Title: Walker Wars

Author: Smenzer

Email: Smenzerberranzan@aol.com

Rating: PG

Pairing: None

Archive: Yes, please. Let me know if you take it, OK?

Teaser: Even as old men, Herc and Ares want to fight!

Disclaimer: The characters are not mine. They belong to Studios USA or

Whoever owns the Rights to Xena: Warrior Princess.

Hercules hobbled down one of Athens' many streets. Near one hundred years of age, he leaned heavily on the metal walker Hepheastus had made for him. He couldn't believe he had grown so old. Or that his best friend, Iolaus, was still with him! Although his body had grown old, his mind and emotions were still those of a younger man. That is, he still wanted to be out doing things. Trouble was, doing anything these days were a real pain, if not impossible!

"Wait up, Herc." Iolaus croaked from somewhere behind him. "My walker got stuck on a crack."

"OK." Hercules replied. He wanted to turn around and go help Iolaus, but he didn't dare. If he did, they would both miss their doctor appointments at Apollo's temple. He figured that just turning around would take fifteen minutes. He just hoped Iolaus would be able to help himself and get unstuck. Then he glanced down at the sidewalk, frowning. It was just filled with cracks. Why didn't the city fix it?

Iolaus finally came up behind him. He pointed a shaking hand across the street. "Look at that old man. He can barely walk."

Hercules pulled out his glasses, both pairs. Putting them on, he stared in the direction his buddy indicated. "Yeah, I see him now. Say, if we hurry we can beat him to the temple. I just hate sitting in the waiting room!"

"Yeah and the room is always filled with sick old men!" Iolaus complained, shaking his head of curly white hair. He almost lost his balance and fell, but luckily there was a stone building next to him and it held him up. He glanced at the building for a moment, confused. "Was that there a few minutes ago?"

Hercules shrugged his shoulders. "I don't remember it."

"Neither do I." Iolaus said.

Now the other old man had crossed the street and was in front of them. The man's dark eyes fell on Hercules, his face scrunching up in anger. "It's you!"

"Hah? Did you say something?" Hercules asked, leaning forward so he could here better. That's when his false teeth dropped out of his mouth onto the sidewalk. "I ost mee feeff!"

The other old man, dressed entirely in black, also leaned heavily on a walker. He slowly moved the walker forward, step by step until he had reached Hercules' false teeth. Grinning, he kicked the teeth. There wasn't much power in the kick, but it was enough to send them flying off the curb. They landed on the stone road and fell into the grating used by the brand new sewers Athens had just installed. The sewers were mainly used by all the public bath houses in the city that seemed to be popping up everywhere these days.

"Ha-ha-ha-ha!" the old man laughed. "I got you that time, Little Brother!"

"ARES!" Hercules shouted, well, tried to shout. It came out as a croak.

"Get him!" Iolaus urged. The excitement of a fight made Iolaus weak of breath. He wanted to jump in and pummel Ares, but it's been years ... decades ... since he could jump. His heart beat light and fast in his chest, his entire body shaking terribly. He reached into a side pocket and pulled out a little clay jug that contained his heart pills. He gripped the container and twisted the lid. Nothing happened.

Hercules moved his walker three steps closer to his hated brother. He was confused as to why Ares was old. Wasn't he a God and therefore ageless? No doubt he made himself look this way to spite him! Hercules lifted one arm and swung it at Ares, his other hand clinging to the walker's frame. The hand missed by a few inches!

"I'll get you for that!" Ares taunted as he dragged his walker a step closer.

But before Ares could strike at Hercules, Hercules swung his arm. It collided with the very top of Ares' head, just brushing through his hair.

"Haa-haa! You missed!" Ares laughed. The laugh was more a wheeze. Then he doubled over, coughing and hacking. After a few minutes, he lifted himself upright again. His expression darkened when he saw what Hercules gripped in his swollen bony fingers.

"Give me back my wig!" Ares demanded.

Hercules, meanwhile, was shaking his hand. The wavy black hair was stuck to his fingers! "Ahhhhh! Get it off! Get it off!"

Iolaus leaned against the building, his entire body vibrating. He was shaking so hard his walker sounded like a jack hammer. He tried to grip the cover in his hands, but with arthritis it was almost impossible. "Darn cover! Come on, open!"

The wig finally came off Hercules' fingers and sailed through the air.

It landed a moment later on Iolaus.

"A RAT! Help, Herc! A hungry rat leaped on me!" Iolaus' feet slid out from underneath himself and he banged his chin on the walker. Then both him, the walker and the wig fell to the ground. The clay jug burst when it hit the sidewalk, spilling dozens of little brown pills everywhere. Iolaus frantically clutched one and stuck it under his tongue.

Then he started to pound on the wig, which was sitting on his chest.

"Aaahhh! A raf!" Hercules repeated. Then he started hobbling the OTHER way as quick as he could. Which only amounted to one step before he ran into Ares. The two lost their balance and fell to the sidewalk.

"Get off me!" Ares complained as he waved his arms around in the air. He was caught under his walker, with Hercules on top of him. "Help! Help! I'm being attacked by a crazy old man!"

"Rafs! The Rafs are coming!" Hercules shouted, also waiving his arms around in the air.

The door to the building, the one both Hercules and Iolaus had forgotten was there, opened and a young blonde man came out. He glanced at the three old guys laying on the sidewalk. "I'm really getting tired of this, you know. Every week you three create a huge disaster? Why can't you just GET ALONG for once? That's all Zeus wants, you know."

Apollo sighed. Shaking his head, he started to bring them inside his temple one at a time.

"Maybe someday you'll learn and get your youth back. Until then, you're stuck as old geezers. And I hope you learn fast, because you three are driving me bonkers!"