I missed you...
I missed you...
Those three words. They echoed over and over. It was like a dream. All she could hear were those words in her mind. Stu's voice when he said them. So tender. So passionate.
Was it a dream? Was it real? It seemed so.
She missed him...
She was dreaming about all those times she slept in his bed, the smell of him that lingered on the pillow when he left for work. She always liked it: so clean and masculine. There was some kind of aftershave she liked of his that he wore; she bought a little bottle of Stu's aftershave and spritzed it on her pillow. It helped her feel less lonely in bed, but she missed the smell of his hair, his warm body when they cuddled, those worshipful kisses on her shoulder and neck, how he nuzzled her...
Her dream began to fade. She didn't want to wake up. Ava was uncomfortably hot...yet, comfortable at the same time. Wherever she was sleeping, it was kind of cramped...yet it was soft and warm...and there was Stu's smell, except it was sweaty and dirty. Also it stunk like a public bathroom that no one has cleaned in a very long time.
Ava was hungover, of course. Yet, she felt filthy, feeling the beads of sweat running down her back. Her face hurt. Blinking painfully as she woke up. She was in a bathtub wearing a man's button-up shirt. Great! She saw a man's hand on her shoulder with rudraksha prayer beads (she seen these at the daycare since some of the moms insisted upon meditation with the kids) on the wrist. Just fucking great! Who the fuck did she sleep with this time? She looked up, finding her own hand with matching prayer beads splayed on the familiar plaid shirt...
Stu moaned painfully as he woke up. His face hurt...so did his buttocks. Like the time when he was twelve, he had been spanked hard by his mom for using her bra as a slingshot (Ava's idea, of course!). He smelled Ava's hair somewhere...in his dream? He had to admit he missed her. He loved Lauren, but there was something about Ava...they both were passionate. He found a blurred shape of a woman's head lying on his chest in the bathtub, her hand splayed on his chest with a bracelet on her wrist...he had one on too!
Shit! He cheated on his fiancee! Who was this woman? He blinked a few times painfully...his face hurt so much...until his vision cleared, finding a pair of sapphire eyes looking up...
Stu let out a startled yell when he saw Ava, who also screamed. The two of them recoiled immediately. There was Ava...wearing a shirt of his! Wide open...no bra on AND no pants! She frantically covered her chest with his shirt, staring at Stu. He had no pants on either! Well...thankfully underwear.
"Goddammit, Ava!" he exclaimed angry. "Did you seduce me again?! Ow!"
"I didn't..." she began, then stared at him, horrified beyond belief at his face. Just like in Vegas. "Oh...my...God!" she gasped. "Stu, what the fuck happened to your face?!"
"MY face?" he said just as horrified as she. "What happened to YOUR face?!"
"Stu, we got a..." Phil's voice said from the doorway. "Oh...holy shit!"
Phil and Alan, filthy and sweaty, stood there staring at the two former lovers in the bathtub together. Alan, completely bald, stupefied. Phil with his shirt wide open with Aviator glasses, hiding his shocked eyes and a hand clapped over his mouth. Like deja-vu...but this time, it was worse than Vegas.
"Jesus, Alan! What happened to your head?" Ava gasped, seeing her brother-in-law.
"No, YOUR heads," Alan said shocked looking at Stu and Ava.
"You're...bald," Stu exclaimed, putting his glasses on.
Phil then smirked, laughing at seeing such a sight: Ava in Stu's shirt and pant-less Stu, both had with mussed-up sex hair, together in the bathtub. Classic Stu and Avers, he laughed to himself.
"You two...just can't stop, can you?" Phil said, shaking his head.
"I don't get it, Phil," said Alan confused. "Why are they in the tub together if they're broken up?"
"What do you think we're doing, Alan?!" Stu hissed.
"Playing patty cake?" he guessed with a dumb shrug.
Phil laughed. "More like Hide-Stu's-Sausage-In-Ava's-Pussy Cake."
"Phil, shut up!" Ava said pissed. "This is humiliating enough!"
"Is that a real game?" whispered Alan stupidly.
"OK, Stu and Avers," said Phil, trying to change the subject. "I know you're freaked out...but it's going to be OK."
"No, it's NOT!" Ava near-shrieked. "I FUCKED Stu AGAIN! And who knows how many times! Shit! My face hurts!" She paused for a moment, realizing something. "Wait...did I get married again?!"
"God, I hope not, Avers," sighed Phil. "But I don't see any rings on your fingers...just matching bracelets."
"Is it my teeth?" asked Stu. "Am I missing my teeth again?"
"Just go look in the mirror, you two whores," Phil said, rolling his eyes.
Ava climbed out of the bathtub first, followed by Stu...and looked in the mirror. On their faces was...Mike Tyson's tattoo...on opposite sides: Stu's on the left, Ava's on the right! Oh...FUCK!
"Oh...my...GOD!" she gasped slowly. "Stu! I have a tattoo! ON MY FACE!" she shrieked.
"No shit! So do I!" he cried in horror. "Ava...please tell me this...isn't real..." He reached towards the inked part of his face...
"Don't touch it!" she exclaimed, slapping his hand away. She examined it closely. Oh yea. She could tell. The flesh was red and sore near the ink. "Yes, Stu," she confirmed. "It's real."
"OH MY GOD! THIS IS A REAL TATTOO!" he screamed.
"No shit, Sherlock!" she cried. "Ow! Aw shit! I hope whoever did this used clean needles."
"Who the FUCK cares, Ava?! I HAVE A TATTOO ON MY FUCKING FACE!"
"Yea...and I don't?!" she said sarcastically. "Stu, I'm pretty sure they don't practice sanitation here like the do in the US of A! We could get fucking hepatitis and HIV...who knows what?!"
Phil and Alan started laughing at them. They looked ridiculous!
"I guess great minds DO think alike," said Phil chuckling.
"SHUT UP, PHIL!" Ava spat angrily. "You're not helping!"
Stu and Ava glared at Alan full of murderous fury. They were sure it was his fault again.
"Alan, what did you do to us?!" Ava demanded, grabbing his shirt, shaking him.
"Did you roofie us again?!" Stu spat angrily.
"I didn't do anything," he insisted innocently.
"BULLSHIT!" Ava said angrily, spraying his face with spit.
"I swear, Mama Wolf!" he whimpered, sounding like a small scared child; his blue eyes watery. "I didn't do anything this time."
"OK! Stu, Avers, he swore to God," said Phil, pushing Ava away from Alan.
"I don't give a shit!" Ava screeched angry. "He's fucking lying! I know it! Goddammit! Fuck! I KNEW I should've gone home when I had the chance!"
"Yea..." Phil continued to laugh. "I guess you REALLY are the Best Whore of Dishonor now."
Now she was pissed off! Again Phil and his FUCKING slut jokes! Normally she would've laughed, but this time it was different! She had been holding in all of her outbursts since her punishment for trashing Stu's engagement party. She was going to make Phil eat his teeth for breakfast!
"You motherf..." she hissed, balling her hand into a fist about to punch Phil...
...when something landed on her shoulders, making her scream...hearing something shrieking as well in her ear. The guys all screamed as well, even Stu with his girly scream. Suddenly, whatever it was that jumped on her...was gone. They looked up and saw...
"It's a monkey!" simpered Alan like a happy child. "Aw, look at his little vest! Hi, monkey."
"Alan, don't touch it!" Ava said. "You don't know where that's been!"
Alan ignored her and reached towards it, only for it to slap him away. "Butthole," he pouted.
Soon a phone rang. They looked around...Ava ran to get it...then saw it was Doug. Please tell me we didn't lose you again, big brother.
"Doug?" Ava said panicking.
"Hey, baby sis," he said cheerfully. "Where are you?"
"Dougie, where are you? Are you OK?" she said worried. God forbid she lost him again...and in a country she was not familiar with.
"I'm fine. I'm by the pool having breakfast. Are you guys coming down or what?"
"Doug's fine!" Ava announced to the guys, covering the mouthpiece. "He's at the resort."
The guys heaved sighs of relief with a mingle of 'thank Gods', yet they were wondering where they were. She went back to the phone.
"Aves, where are you? You sound scared," asked Doug.
"I dunno," she said. "I woke up in some shithole room in some city."
"I dunno. Fucking Asia Town or some shit! I have no fucking idea! Dougie, I'm scared!"
"OK, Ava, just calm down, OK?" he soothed. "Are you with Phil, Stu or Alan?"
"Yes. I'm with all three of them."
"OK...that's good. You're with people you know."
"Yes. Yes, that is good," she said, sounding ten-years-old again...like the time she lost Doug.
She felt tears coming...feeling so guilty for what she had done. It was official: she destroyed whatever trust she had with Lauren by sleeping with her soon-to-be husband. She was trying to get past the whole naked office shit, her tantrum at the engagement party, and the horrible moment at the rehearsal dinner when her past was revealed. Now this shit! She could see the whole situation now: Lauren slapping Ava in the face, calling her a slut filled with venomous hate, then cutting off her friendship with Stu.
Nope. She deserved whatever punishment lay in store. She was the official Best Home-Wrecking SLUT of Dishonor!
"Dougie..." Ava said, her voice breaking. "There's something I gotta tell you..."
"What is it, baby sis?" he said worried. She heard him sigh. "Did you marry Stu again?"
"I don't think so...I hope not," she said.
"Did you sleep with him?"
Ava wiped away her tears and her lip trembling, unable to respond. Of course he figured it out when she heard a very disappointed, exasperated sigh on the other line.
"Ava, why...Oh my GOD! Jesus! What the hell is wrong with you?" he said.
"Dougie, I swear...I don't know what happened this time!" Ava whimpered. "Please...don't tell Lauren. Don't tell anyone!"
"OK...it's going to be fine, baby sis. No one has to know. Let me talk to Phil."
"OK," she handed the phone to Phil. "Dougie wants to talk to you."
Ava went to join Stu and Alan out in the living room. Alan kept touching his bald-head. Stu was rubbing his bottom painfully.
"Did you tell Doug?!" he exclaimed. Though it was obvious what the answer was on her face. "Oh...God! Why would you do that?!"
"Well he IS my brother, dumb ass!" she said. "Who else am I supposed to talk to? I can't with Mom and Dad! They're dead! And why the hell are you rubbing your ass, Stu?!"
"My ass hurts," he whined.
"Yea, so does my face," she said dryly.
"No, seriously! It hurts when I sit down. I think I bruised it."
"Lemme see," she sighed with rolled eyes, reluctant to look at her former flame's naked bottom.
Stu pulled down his underwear on the left butt cheek...and...
"Whoa!" said Alan softly with a grimace.
"Oh...my...God!" she gasped in horror.
"What? Did you bite me again, Ava?" asked Stu.
"No...it's just a bruise. It's fin..."
"There's some kind of writing," interjected Alan, squinting. He sounded out the words slowly like a kid trying to read. "S...siut...what does that mean?"
Ava rolled her eyes...she obviously could read better...
"It's SLUT, moron," she said shaking her head in annoyance
"WHAT?!" Stu exclaimed. "I have THAT on my ass?! How did it get there?!"
"I don't KNOW, Stu!" she snapped sharply. "I don't FUCKING remember!"
"Guys," said Alan interrupting their argument.
"What, Alan?" Ava sighed annoyed.
He was staring at the floor...something with covered in blankets...something small and grey was sticking out of the hole in the blankets.
"Check this out," he said getting on his hands and knees, staring like a curious child.
Ava and Stu joined Alan at his so-called new discovery. They squinted, looking at the small thing...
"Have you seen anything like it?" Alan said.
"What is that?" said Stu, about to poke it.
"Careful!" exclaimed Alan. "It could be a spider's nest. I've tangled with those before."
Ava rolled her eyes hearing this. What else did Alan do at home she could only wonder.
Soon Phil came out, panicking.
"Guys, we have a problem...what is that?" he said, joining them. Then turned his attention to what the three of them were staring at. "Is that a worm?"
"I think it's a mushroom," said Alan. He touched it and tasted his fingers. "Yea. Shiitake."
Soon, the monkey climbed onto the blankets.
"Monkey, taste it. What do you think? Is it shiitake?" said Alan.
"Dude, I don't think it can understand you," Phil said.
The monkey licked the small thing with its little pink tongue. Ava looked more closely...then gagged and grimaced in disgust when she realized what her stupid brother-in-law just did.
"What?" asked Phil.
"UH...guys," Ava said, gagging. "That's...not a mushroom..."
"What...wait a second..." said Phil looking closely "Is that a...?"
Then, the monkey slapped the area and a flamboyant yell came from the blankets, startling all four of them.
"What the fuck, man?!" yelled the flamboyant James Hong voice. "Tell that gay monkey to leave my shit alone!"
There, sitting up amongst the blankets was none other than...someone they hoped they would never see again...
AN: Many thanx to A7X4REVer for being an inspirado for this chapter! Kudos to you!