Disclaimer: Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me, I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed. It turns out they were right, because I ended up quoting Smash Mouth. I don't own Dragonball Z.
Italicized and bolded: King Kai
"Do either of you fools understand what you've done?!" Pikkon demanded from Goku and Vegeta. "Do you?!"
"I don't…" said Goku.
"I don't care," elaborated Vegeta. "We're in the middle of some important business, so if you wouldn't mind leaving before you get hurt…"
"Oh. Very well." Olibu waved goodbye as he started to fly in the opposite direction. Pikkon grabbed him by his white man-skirt and pulled him back.
"Olibu, these are the Saiyans that are destroying Other World, remember?"
"Ahhh…" Olibu nodded and stayed, stoic, arms crossed as if trying to hide his embarrassment underneath them.
"What do you mean, 'destroying Other World?'" Vegeta said, getting more frustrated. "This is the eternal after world, I thought it was supposed to be indestructible! It's the one and only place where Kakarot and I could truly fight without holding back!"
"Unfortunately, Vegeta, you're wrong. And you should have been holding back a lot of that stank gas you've been expelling. You and your opponent have both tapped into powers neither of you could comprehend, even if you tried."
"Well, that's good, because I didn't," Vegeta replied.
"Mine's gone, if that helps," Goku added. "It went away not long after I came to King Kai's planet."
"And dragged Vegeta along right behind you!" King Kai shrieked. "You fool!"
"I didn't know Vegeta knew about my problem!" Goku whined. "Who told you anyway, Vegeta?"
"The woman, Kakarot, that's who."
"I don't know who that is!"
"Enough!" Olibu roared over the increasing din of disagreeing voices. "Who is to blame for this situation is irrelevant for the time being. We have but fifteen minutes left to get out of Other World before it melts completely away. You, Goku, will have to use your planet's dragonballs to restore the entirety of the afterlife. If, indeed, such a wish is even possible."
"Farts are killing heaven," Pikkon added. "And hell, too. But it already stinks like sulfur down there anyway."
"Wait, about those fifteen minutes," Goku said. "Are those regular minutes or 'Frieza minutes?'"
Pikkon's face lit up. "Olibu, what side of the universe did you originate in?"
"The eastern side."
"I was hoping you'd say that. Every minute there is roughly thirty minutes to the rest of us, thanks to Frieza's inability to read a watch while ruling half the universe."
"Fantastic," enthused Goku, hoping the rest of the group wouldn't notice that he didn't know what a minute did either. "So, that gives us…?"
"Four hundred and fifty minutes," answered King Kai. "In other words, seven and a half hours."
Goku's face was a constipated mixture of confusion and feigned excitement. King Kai sighed, seeing right through the Saiyan's clever ruse. Oops, I misspelled "dumbshit" pretty bad right there, hoping you wouldn't notice. "Think of it like this, Goku; the time it takes you to eat two towns out of their entire food supply."
"Whoa! That's a good amount of time! We should be able to formulate a plan by-"
"Oh, fucking- can't you teleport, Kakarot?!" yelled Vegeta. He was just pissy because he hadn't had his nap and he hadn't had his nap while having his fight with Goku interrupted by Olibu, Pikkon, and his inability to control the strength of his own butt-methane.
"You mean Instant Transmission? Well, I guess-"
Pikkon shook his head. "No," he said just in case anyone didn't understand what his head gesture meant, which, given Goku's presence, was overwhelmingly yes. "You can't teleport myself or Olibu, as well as the entirety of the underworld, into your own. We will just come right back."
"Like it even matters," griped Vegeta. "You've already died, won't you just float around in limbo?"
"We will merely cease to exist."
"Much like my planet!" King Kai whined. Vegeta turned to glare at the blue martial arts trainer. "Hey, no one cares anymore about your stupid planet, Smurf! Kakarot and I got our home planet blown up too, you don't hear us whining about it!"
Everyone stared at Vegeta.
"Indeed, the Saiyan has a point," said Olibu.
"About me whining about my planet, or my planet being stupid?"
"I'll take that as 'both.' Thanks, Olibu. I feel a lot damn better."
Pikkon was starting to lose his patience, something direly needed when in the presence of Goku and Vegeta. "If we're all done arguing, I'd like us to all discuss how we're going to get around 6 octillion dead souls from all over the universe out of here in only seven hours."
Vegeta looked back over at Pikkon. "What, so instead of arguing you want us to… argue?"
"The difference is the subject matter."
Goku pounded his head trying to think of something. "It's just- I don't understand, if living beings can enter the Other World, why can't dead people go to the regular universe?"
"Living beings aren't supposed to be able to enter the Other World, but someone- I'm not going to name any names here- melted a friggin' hole into the barrier between the worlds!"
With that, Olibu and Pikkon leveled pissed off gazes at Goku, who stood confused. "Uh… I don't know how you guys think I got here, but it was because I know Instant Transmission."
"You're trying to make us think you're from Yardrat?!" laughed Pikkon. "Your outfit may be pretty stupid, but you can't even begin to match the-"
"Any more of this inane conversation," Vegeta finally screamed, "and I swear to God I'm going to prematurely end this whole fucking afterlife! I am the one who put a hole into the barrier, by using my new powers. Which, by the way, have now expired because you two idiots showed up and took up all of my time that was supposed to be for my fight with Kakarot!"
"Oh, sorry," said Olibu. "I didn't mean to impose on you and, erm… Gokurot, while you were in the middle of something important. The salvation of the entire afterlife can wait, Pikkon and I will just be on our way."
"And now you're being sarcastic," grumbled Vegeta. "Well, you can just-"
"No, no, he actually isn't," Pikkon said. "No matter how it sounds, this guy doesn't know sarcasm. OLIBU, GET BACK HERE!"
Olibu turned back around, having already flown a small distance away from the rest of the group. "He asked us to leave!" Olibu shouted back.
"Don't worry about that, just listen to what I say!"
"Why should !?"
"Because Grand Kai said so, now get your big, white, Fabio-looking ass back here before we all die again!"
Olibu floated back to Pikkon's side, muttering G-rated Yosemite Sam-style swears under his breath.
"You said we had seven and a half hours, right?" Vegeta asked. "Well," he then began before Pikkon could answer in the affirmative, "that should be more than enough time for Kakarot and I to finish our battle together."
Pikkon slapped his forehead in exasperation. "Fine, holy shit, whatever. Just try and make it quick if you could-"
Vegeta rushed toward Goku with so much piss and vinegar, you'd swear you were watching a YouTube video of Shoe Nice drinking a tall pitcher of, well, piss and vinegar. Unfortunately, without his gas, Vegeta was woefully underprepared for Goku, who was still the only other Super Saiyan besides Future Trunks. All the Saiyan Prince could do was fake Goku out. "If I can just convince Kakarot I still have my powers, maybe I can distract him long enough to land a finishing blow!"
The prince ground- or, well, flew- to a halt and grabbed his feet once again, placing them behind his head, floating mid-air in a very awkward, gay-porny position. Goku knew what this meant and moved out of the way, but Vegeta followed him, flying right behind him in that same ass-first position while Olibu, Pikkon and King Kai stared in pure bemusement at the spectacle unfolding before them.
Goku decided to stop and play a mind game of his own. "Take the shot, Vegeta."
"Oh, I'm gonna," he said, stopping as well, his ass close enough to almost touch Goku's stomach. "I'm gonna, and you're not gonna like it!"
"Do it, then, Vegeta!" Goku challenged, starting to see through Vegeta's ruse.
"I will! It's going to be foul, and probably smell like raw sewage!"
"Okay! Bring it on!"
Pikkon decided to step in-between them, sensing the fight was going nowhere. "I thought I told you to make this quick, Vegeta, not spend the whole fight presenting yourself to him."
"Shut up, smart ass!"
Goku elbowed Vegeta in the stomach, he wheezed out in agony and belched, which did nothing. What, you thought gas expelled from the mouth was going to be as deadly as gas expelled anally? You clearly haven't smelled enough terrible farts in your life. Stop by my house sometime.
Vegeta fell to the nothing, unconscious. Then he was caught by Olibu, because nothing doesn't exist. "Caught him," said Olibu.
"Welp, I'm gonna go to Namek and gather the Dragonballs! With them I should be able to wish this green poop mist away!" Goku said cheerfully. He put his fingers up to his head and concentrated as hard as he could… but nothing was coming up. "Oh, I forgot! I don't know how to get to New Namek! King Kai, I need your help!"
King Kai hung his head and sighed, not really willing to help Goku out after he was partially responsible for blowing up his planet. "Can't you just picture Dende or somebody and teleport to Namek? That's how Instant Transmission works!"
"But I don't know what any Namekians look like except Piccolo and Kami, and they're both on Earth."
"Who cares, just picture any Namekian, they all look the same anyway!"
Goku gasped. "King Kai, that's racist!"
"Oh, Jesus fucking- JUST PUT YOUR HAND ON MY BACK ALREADY!"
The other three floating there flinched at King Kai's tone. Goku didn't want to piss the blue man off any more, in case he blew up real big like the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. The thought made Goku hungry for blueberries. Mmm… blueberries.
"Snap out of it, you jackass, I don't have forever to wait for you to do this!"
"Okay! But, uh, why am I doing this back thing again? Do you need a hug because you lost your planet?"
Olibu and Pikkon's laughs couldn't be contained while King Kai's face reddened. "Listen, you stupid Saiyan son of a bitch, if you communicate with one of the Namekians, they can round up the dragon balls and grant your wish before seven hours elapses, but we have to hurry!"
"But that'll take forever!" Goku whined. "Can't you just show me what one of them looks like?"
"No, I can't, Goku."
"BECAUSE I DON'T KEEP PICTURES OF THEM!"
Goku was again so surprised by King Kai's tone that he stumbled in mid-air, somehow. "Okay, okay! Jeez, you could have just told me, you didn't have to yell at me!"
Meanwhile, on Namek. No, this isn't leading to a hilarious scene with Guru, he dead.
"So, we all agree," said Mori as he circled his table of advisors, "it is in the interests of Planet Namek to switch to an industrialized economy rather than our continued reliance on subsistence farming and trading with other villages."
"…Uh, sir, we're just here to ask you to pay your bodyguard fees."
"Oh, you're just asking? Well, the answer is no."
"Hey, guys, can you hear me?" A voice entered Mori's head. "Is this a Namekian, or is King Kai facing the wrong direc-" "I'm not facing the wrong direction, damn it!"
"Well, gentlemen," Mori said, "it seems as if I've gone absolutely clownfuck insane, because I'm hearing voices in my head. I'm afraid we're going to have to continue this conversation tomorrow. Bye bye, now!"
"But sir, this is your house!"
But it was too late, Mori had already left to jump in the water from atop the high pillar on which Guru used to stay.
"I'm sorry for interrupting your meeting, but I really need to use your dragon balls!"
Mori swam to the surface and spoke unto Goku, "What kind of evil being are you?!"
"What?! Don't you know who I am? I'm Goku, the guy who defeated Frieza and saved your planet!"
"You didn't do any of that!"
"What do you mean, King Kai?"
"You didn't defeat Frieza, Trunks did!"
"And furthermore, you didn't save their planet from shit! Frieza still blew it up, you just ran away!"
"Hey, I meant that I saved the people of Planet Namek!"
"They were all dead except Piccolo by the time you got your sorry ass out of the healing tank to fight Frieza! Hell, you haven't even seen any other Namek instead of Piccolo, that's why we're doing this in the first place!"
"Could you please stop, Voice 2?" Mori said. "I'm getting a headache. Anyway, I'm going to go beat my head against some rocks until this goes away, so if you hear a-"
"Listen very carefully, Mori. This is King Kai, and we are asking for the dragon balls because Vegeta basically destroyed the entire Other World through means I'm not even going to try to explain at this point. If you don't believe me, find Dende and he'll confirm-"
"There's no need to bring the boy into this. How much time is left before the Other World is gone?"
"About six and a half hours."
"Oh, then what the hell are you even worried about? I can get this done in an hour, just chill for a second."
So Mori gathered the dragon balls and summoned Porunga, who, upon hearing the first wish to clean the Other World of fart gas, was still grateful he didn't have to bring millions of people back from the fucking dead the way his roommate Shenron did.
"Okay, I did what you asked. Now what are your other two wishes?" Mori asked.
"Well, first I need you to bring back King Kai's planet."
"Can be done."
"Mrs. Son," the hazmat cleaner said, "I thought you might like to know that we almost have the entire area decontaminated and we'll be able to get a foundation for-"
But he was interrupted by a house falling on top of him and his workers, one that looked just like the old place.