The Higgs Boson Excitation

(Initial dialogue verbatim from Episode 6.3 – The Higgs Boson Observation)

"Amy, this is crazy. You have nothing to be suspicious about."

"I'm not suspicious. I just want to stop in, say hi to my boyfriend and meet his new assistant."

Amy bursts through Sheldon's office door.

"Ah HA!"

Finding the office empty, Penny asks Amy "Can we go now?"

"Hang on."

"What are you doing?" asked Penny.

"Isn't it obvious?" Amy asked as she rubbed Sheldon's phone in her armpit. "I'm spreading my scent to mark my territory." Amy then picked up Sheldon's stapler and began to lick it.

"Come on Amy. That is not going to work."

"Really? Because just before you became my best friend I did this all over your apartment."

Penny's eyes blink and she begins to think. And then reacts.

"Amy, do you know how disgusting that is?"

"I see nothing disgusting about it. As a neurobiologist it is quite appropriate for me to experiment with behavior management."

"Amy, this is not an experiment. This is a relationship."

"I fail to see the difference. I wished to be your bestie and I arranged circumstances and behaviors to achieve that end. Are you not happier with me as your bestie, bestie?"

"Ya know, I thought I was. Now I'm just kind of disgusted. What you did to me was manipulative and creepy. What you are doing to Sheldon is those things too. And it's disrespectful."

"How so?"

"You know how feels about germs."

"Ah yes. His mysophobia. My plan is to rid him of that and his other phobias and idiosyncracies. And once I achieve that I'll attack the routines. I predict that in three years he'll be knocking on your door only once and multiple times on mine, if you know what I mean."

"Amy, it sounds to me like your plan is to remove every bit of Sheldon from Sheldon. I'm not sure I like that."

"Penny, Sheldon is a brilliant man whose brilliance is undermined by behaviors developed through years of coping with solitude. He has me now so there is no longer any need for those behaviors. I will rid him of them."

"Without telling him."

"Well, I may tell him about some of it. I will, to an extent, require his cooperation. However I expect when my plan reaches fruition to surprise him with the changes he has made for me, um, for himself."

"Y'know what, Amy? Count me out. I'm not going to be your sidekick in Operation Destroy Moonpie."

"What is a moonpie?"

"Yup. Decision made. Find your own way home, Amy. I have an apartment to disinfect."

"But I'll see you on our next Girl's Night, correct?"

"Yeah, um, no. I think that event will be suspended for a while."

"I don't understand."

"Sorry, Amy, but I need to sit down and have a good hard think about what I've been doing since I met you and how much of it is because I wanted to and how much is because I'm your freaking experiment."

"But I don't experiment on you that much anymore since I've already achieved my goal. Sheldon takes up a lot of my time."

"Yeah. I'm going to have to figure out what I'm going to do about that, too. Bye."


When Penny got home she was confused. She poured herself a glass of wine, raised it to her lips and stopped. She wondered "Am I drinking this because I want it or because Amy trained me to take a drink whenever I'm faced with a problem. Come to think of it, Leonard does the same thing. Are they working together?"

She poured the wine back into the bottle. No sense wasting it. She started straightening up her apartment. She knew that she'd need help disinfecting. And she also knew she had to speak to Sheldon just as soon as he got home. She sent Sheldon a text.

Cleaning apartment. Need to borrow supplies when u get home. - P

It's about time. – Dr. Sheldon Cooper

Penny heard Sheldon and Leonard when they returned home from work. A little while later…

Knock. Knock. Knock. Penny.

Knock. Knock. Knock. Penny.

Knock. Knock. Knock. Penny.

"Come in, Sheldon."

"I've brought the cleaning supplies as you requested. Unfortunately I cannot remain to assist you as Amy Farrah Fowler has made plans that apparently immediately require my presence. Before I depart, may I ask what prompted this sudden desire to clean this morass of entropy?"

"Well, it's kind of because of Amy, too."

"I don't understand."

"Sweetie, come over here and have a seat. I'm going to tell you something that may upset you a bit."

"I think then that I prefer you not tell me."

"Sheldon, this is one of those things that you'll be glad you found out about later. Now though, not so much."

"Penny, you are being much more oblique than usual. Please tell me so that I may depart and meet Amy downstairs."

"Amy licked your stapler."

"Excuse me?"

"Amy was curious about your new assistant so we came to visit you in your office. I guess you were at lunch. Before we went to the cafeteria to find you Amy said she was marking her territory and rubbed your phone under her arm and licked your stapler."

"That is disgusting. Why didn't you stop her?"

"I asked her what she was doing and she said she did the same thing all over my apartment. That's why I want to clean."

"So you are telling me that Amy has spread her germs in your apartment, my office…"

"Probably your apartment also."

"Penny, this is horrible. This is the worst kind of intrusive behavior, a complete violation of my personal space."

"Sheldon, Amy told me that she intends to change all of your behavior to make it more acceptable."

"Well that is unacceptable. Amy must be made to understand that."

"I don't think she really cares whether it's acceptable. It's what she wants."

"As her "bestie" how do you feel about that, Penny?"

"I'm not her "bestie" any more. I don't think I ever really was. I think it was just a way of keeping me drunk and away from you."

"Penny, you've rarely needed anybody's aid in convincing yourself to imbibe before."

"Yeah. It's just that, thinking about it, I seem to always have a drink in my hand lately. I wasn't always like that. When Amy comes over she always brings a bottle and I drink most of it. Same thing with Leonard. I think I might have a problem and those two are enabling it."

"I can see that could be an issue for you. You are well aware of my feelings about alcohol. However, I am, of course, available to aid you in however you wish to deal with the issue."

"Thanks, sweetie. But I think we need to figure out another issue first."

"You are quite right. First let me inform Amy Farrah Fowler that I will not be accompanying her anywhere this evening."


A few minutes later there was a knock at Penny's door. She opened it.

"Hello, Amy."

"Leonard reported that Sheldon is over here."

"He is."

"Hello, Amy."

"Sheldon, I made plans and you said you would join me."

"I've changed my mind."

"You are causing me great inconvenience. Come along, Sheldon."

"I will not. And if you intend to converse with us any longer, I request you don these."

"Gloves and a mask. I don't understand. I am not ill."

"Be that as it may, you seem to be quite fond of spreading your germs."

"Penny, that information was shared with you in confidence."

"Sorry, Amy, but Sheldon is my friend and what you are doing is not very friendly."

"Amy Farrah Fowler, have you spread your saliva and other bodily secretions upon Penny's property and mine."

"I don't believe you understand my intent, Sheldon."

"Your intent is irrelevant at the moment. Did you foul my home, office and Penny's apartment with your bodily secretions."

"Yes, but it was for your own good."

"Amy, you are aware of my feelings regarding germs, are you not?"

"Sheldon, you have a phobia and phobias can be overcome with appropriate treatment."

"Are you my physician or my psychiatrist, Amy?"

"No, I'm your girlfriend. You should want to be exposed to me and my germs. I was only easing you into it."

"Without informing me."

"It was going to be a surprise."

"Oh, I am quite surprised."

"Now can we go, Sheldon?"

"Amy, I suggest you cancel your plans. You will be involved in another activity."

"I don't understand, Sheldon."

"Amy Farrah Fowler, under my supervision you will clean Penny's apartment, my apartment and my office and you will do it to my specifications."

"So it will be sort of a cleaning date."

"It will not be a date of any kind. While you are cleaning Penny and I will be going out to dinner. You will be paying."

"Sheldon, I don't understand what you are asking me to do."

"You are going to remove all evidence of your presence, microscopic and otherwise. While I cannot bar you completely, whenever you are in my presence you will wear a surgical mask and plastic gloves."

"I'd kind of prefer that you do that when you see me too, Amy" Penny added.

"Sheldon, people are going to talk when they see us together and I'm always masked and gloved."

"Well then it is probably a good thing that they are unlikely to see us together. I am cancelling our Relationship Agreement. You have violated my person and my trust with you germs. I can no longer trust you and believe that any trust I previously placed in you was mistaken. Now I suggest you begin cleaning if you wish to finish Penny's apartment by the time we return from dinner."

"What if I decide not to clean? My germs aren't harmful. I fail to see the point."

"The point is that the punishment is appropriate to your behavior, Amy. If you reject it you are welcome to leave. Just do not return. Ever."


"Goodbye, Amy Farrah Fowler."