Alright, so I felt like I needed to write this though I was planning to stop writing PD fanfics after 'The Christmas Princess' for a while. But since this is a prequel to 'The Summer Princess', I guess I am somewhat forgiven! :D
So, what is this? Basically, at the end of Book 9 Mia finds a new hope in Amelie's declaration and in JP, right? Well, I cannot stomach JP so I was totally 'noooooo' when I read she actually saw him as a hope for a better future. And since fanfics are a great way to fix what annoys you in the original stories, this is me fixing it!
Though, I gotta warn ya, this is not what you would call a happy story. This is about heart break, losing yourself and trying to regain a sense of who you are supposed to be.
And since it is a prequel, this explains certain aspects of 'The Summer Princess' and 'The Christmas Princess', like how Mia became friends with Rene and Sebastiano.
Ok, enough of my babble :) I hope you will give this a chance and I hope that if you ever happen to go through a heart break (but I hope you won't have to!) this will help you move on.
Of course, as always, feel free to review (ok, change that into please review ;))
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me - minus the poem.
The Autumn Princess
'And I am looking up and I see the sun and I know that up there is the happiness waiting to be felt. I know it all, but I am too tired to climb and it is just too far out of my reach.' Sometimes when we hit rock bottom, what pulls us back up is the thing we least expected. What will be Mia's ray of light after Michael breaks up with her?
Prequel to 'The Summer Princess'.
Thursday, November 9
I don't know.
I just don't know anything anymore.
Not too long ago, only two months ago, actually, I really thought I was finally in control. I somehow made peace with the whole princess thing and I even managed to be somewhat princess-like.
And I really thought I would somehow manage to figure out what Calculus is about. There was actually a time when I truly believed I would pass the third year of High School.
Oh, and not to mention, I had a best friend – well, she could be rather mean to me occasionally. But, hey, that was her way of showing me that she cared. Lilly might not have been the sweetest person but who needs someone who could drown you in their sugar anyway?
And I had a boyfriend. A boyfriend I loved with all my heart and who I thought loved me back just as unconditionally. Honestly, I thought I would marry him. That is how perfect our relationship seemed. I thought we would get the happily ever after.
And where am I now, two months later? Besides seeing a shrink every Friday and with a favorite past time activity writing down the lyrics to my favorite songs ("I'll move on baby just like you/When the desert floods and the grass turns blue/When a sailing ship don't need her moon/It will break my heart but I'll get through/Someday when I stop loving you" * – listening to sad music and feeling sorry for myself and drinking hot chocolate seems to be the norm these days. No wonder I am still not back to my pre-binge-eating week jeans)? Where am I?
Nowhere. That's where I am. I am nowhere.
It's like the world is moving on and I am still stuck in the same place. I watch the world, changing, evolving and I am stuck here, unable to move and I feel myself sinking further and further into the hole. And I try and I try to somehow blend in, at least to pretend to be happy because, I mean, you can totally trick your brain into believing you are happy if you force yourself to smile. But I guess I am just too far gone. I am constantly on the slippery edge and I am losing my balance.
I put a smile on my face and I feel completely empty. And I sit behind our table in cafeteria, everyone is laughing and everyone is happy. And I glance to the other side of the cafeteria and sometimes my eyes meet eyes of someone I thought I would never lose. But I did. Somehow, I still don't understand how, everything just fell apart. I go along with it but I feel myself drowning deeper and deeper and the surface and the light keeps getting further away from me.
Honestly, I just don't know what to do anymore. Dr K told me my depression would get better but with every single day I am losing hope that I will ever feel ok again. I mean, I might not be binge eating anymore, but I still feel like I am in that damn hole.
And I am looking up and I see the sun and I know that up there is the happiness waiting to be felt. I know it all, but I am too tired to climb and it is just too far out of my reach.
Thursday, November 9, later
Mr G, the devoted teacher he is, of course still thinks he can salvage my Calculus. He just spent an hour sitting with me in the kitchen, helping me with homework.
I wish I could repay his efforts and actually figure out what Calculus is about but I am just so … tired.
I am tired of Calculus
I am tired of trying.
I am tired of this pain.
I am tired of this life.
Thursday, November 9, later, very late
As I lie here in silence
I can almost hear my heartbeat
And I wonder, how can it be
When I feel so lifeless?
The blood is running through my body
Yet I feel so cold
As I subconsciously take a breath
I can't help but wishing it would just end.
When you are out there,
When you smile and your dreams are coming true
Do you ever stop for a second
And wonder if I am happy too?
Is there ever a moment when you pause
When you think back on those days
Days when we thought we had it all
Do you ever wish they would happen again?
Do you ever feel bitter,
Does our end ever play in front of your eyes?
Do you ever wish you could erase it
And feel me in your arms again?
As I stand on a bridge where you once stole my kiss
The wind I feel are only memories haunting me
And I watch birds so effortless, so free
I'd jump for that second before the end, just to feel something besides the pain.
Do you ever think of me?
Did you ever love me?
Does it even matter?
I'd still give everything to have you here.
*Carrie Underwood – Someday When I Stop Loving You
To Be Continued.