warning: smut, boyxboy and violence
I felt suffocated. He was inside me. His fingers were around my neck, gripping tighter and tighter. Everything hurt so fucking much I thought I was going to die. He kept thrusting, hitting my insides and shattering me. God, it was so good, so good, so good it wasn't real. I felt his release filling me up. I choked as I found my breath again. I laughed and coughed as I came too. He looked at me and said nothing. I stared back at him. I wanted to ask him where have they gone: all his madness and frustration, where have they gone? But I was too busy laughing and coughing, so I dropped it.
Once Degel told me that I should've never loved that man. He was the kind of guy who could rip my heart out of my chest without hesitation.
I laughed and then replied, 'But we are of the same kind, Degel.'
Besides, I knew I would never be able to walk away from this mess. I didn't merely love him. I became addicted to him. It was worse than any drug. It would never wear off.
Addiction is bad, people say. Hell yeah, definitely. I couldn't agree more. There it was, rotting me from inside out. I could taste it on my mouth when I kissed him. God, it was intoxicating. I wanted more, more and more. I could never get enough and he would always act as if he could give me anything I wanted. I was more than glad to take all of it. But it would never be enough. It was depressing that I wanted him so much, needed him so much. Maybe I was pathetic, but I couldn't even bring myself to care. I was just too addicted to him. It was all that mattered. There was no way back.
He said he loved me once. I laughed. Sorry, but I laughed so hard I couldn't breathe, amazed by how he could make a love confession as dry as a bone. He said no more as we began to fuck.
I don't need them. I told to myself. I didn't need lies to let him fuck me. All he had to do was to thrust hard into me. He shouldn't say anything. I wouldn't be able to take it.
He would never love me. I was damn sure about that. He. did. not. love. me. That was what kept me from feeling betrayed whenever I saw him with someone else. I was just one more, just one of his many choices. It couldn't count it as cheating, and so I was not being betrayed. Still, I was envious. I had always been. Therefore, I found others too. However, I was not like him. I didn't find them to have a pathetic fuck and forget about the others, all I wanted was the result.
It was always rough sex with him.
I didn't even know how it happened. The first thing I remember was that I was bleeding and that there was blood all over him. I licked the trail of blood running down his face. It tasted so good, yet it hurt so badly. I had never been so aroused before. I began to laugh. I laughed like the maniac I was. Was I all sane? Was I insane? He didn't say anything. He kissed me as he shoved into me, which silenced me. It was rough. He was frustrated. I loved it.
'I hate you.' I broke the kiss and whispered against his lips. 'I fucking hate you.'
Hate you hate you hate you hate you…
It was like a mantra, repeated with every thrust he gave into me. I felt like screaming, yet I couldn't even make a sound. I recited my verse until I choked with my orgasm. He was still hard, but pulled out of me. I could see his eyes on me as I slowly lost consciousness.
He never cared.
So why the fuck should he do it now?
'We should end this.' He told me the next morning.
I was laying on his bed with a terrible aching pain spreading all over my body. My strength was nowhere to be found. I looked up at him but I couldn't make my questions out loud, I couldn't even move and I could barely breathe. He, however, seemed perfectly able to read though me, so he began to explain.
'It won't do us any good.'
Ah, I see. That was it. He got bored.
'Fine.' I managed to say as I slowly got out of bed.
I then staggered toward the door. Great. I guess that made me even more pathetic than I already was.
Suddenly, he grabbed my shoulder and talked to me with his eternal blank expression.
'You shouldn't move yet.'
'Oh?' I sneered at him. Why the fuck would he care about me now? 'Just get outta' my way.'
I snapped his hand and continued walking. This wouldn't end well, I knew as I felt slightly dizzy. Maybe I had lost too much blood, but I had to get out of there on my own, so I kept trying. I turned my back on him the whole time. He said nothing after that, not that I wanted him to. I wondered if he watched me as I left. I couldn't know. I didn't even dare to look at him for a last time.
I asked Degel to take me home. Soon, he was going to torture me about what happened, but it could wait for later. I slept during the whole ride home. I was tired, my body still ached and I couldn't bring myself to open my eyes as long as I was on his car. Everything could go to hell for a while. I needed to sleep. I had never needed it so much in my entire life. I was pathetic. I definitely was.
The chick looked at me suggestively. I merely glanced back. I was not in the mood today. I was just sitting at my favorite bar, having some Tequila and about to get back home before Degel dropped in to check on me. God, that guy was troublesome. For weeks, he had been treating me as if I was a child; since the day I, well, broke up with Wyvern. Since I was a little kid, I was supposed to be a good boy. That meant no drinking and no fooling around, yet there I was. And no, I didn't feel guilty at all, not a single bit. I was an adult, I didn't need anyone to babysit me.
That is why I smirked back as the chick approached me with a 'Hey, hottie'. She hadn't given up yet. Maybe I should play with her for a while.
First, we talked, about what I didn't bother to remember. Soon, we kissed, or she kissed me, to be more precise. I still wasn't in the mood and so I found it boring. Her lips were soft, but they had too much lipstick on them. It was disgusting and in the middle of the kiss, my mind started wandering to the point there was nothing worth risking. Hell, it was not even risky. So I pushed her back, rudely breaking the kiss. I smiled sweetly. 'Sorry, babe. Maybe some other day.'
Then I turned and walked toward the exit without looking at her. My head was a mess and I couldn't give a damn about the dumbfounded chick I just left behind.
I was thinking about him again. I thought about how his lips felt, what he would've done to me if we were still in our pathetic little relationship. That was when I realized that such things would never happen anymore. It annoyed me.
I didn't miss him. We were nothing now. I didn't miss him. I certainly didn't.