Author's Note: Trying my hand at Kyman. I have three chapters of this so far. I have a basic idea what's gonna happen in later chapters but really I'm just going with what feels right to me. If it seems a little free form at times, it's cause it is. KylexCartman. Also it's gonna get dirty starting in chapter 2, so watch out.

Chapter 1:: Unzipped

It had to be here somewhere, Cartman thought. Somewhere in the room. The time was about 2 am now on Friday but then again, it being 2 am made it technically Saturday. Cartman had recently lost his notebook; the one that he'd brainstorm and plot out any ideas he had to achieve success onto. He had been working on a new plan involving conning all the students at school out of their lunch money. It was going to be perfect. But just a few days after making the plan, Cartman's entire notebook went missing.

Whenever something of Cartman's went missing the first place he would check was Kyle's room. Just in case Kyle was trying to thwart another one of Cartman's plans. Just in case he somehow found out. So that's why he was here, at the Broflovski's house. Cartman was very familiar with Kyle's room. He knew the best way to sneak in and out, he knew how Kyle sorted his belongings… hell, he had even gotten familiar with Kyle's sleep pattern. In short, he was a master at raiding Kyle's room.

But each time he had to be thorough; if the sneaky Jew somehow knew that Cartman might be sneaking into his room to take his belongings back, there was a chance he would've hidden them in a place he thought Cartman would never look.

Cartman had to check everywhere for his notebook. The flicker of the small flashlight ran through all the cracks between Kyle's furniture, just in case he hid it somewhere super sneaky. But even though Cartman checked thoroughly, under each and every last article of jew clothing in the drawers, his notebook was nowhere to be seen. Cartman sat back and thought to himself silently. He needed that notebook back. If Kyle had it, what would be the safest place to put it?

A lightbulb went on in Cartman's genius brain. Kyle's own body.

That would be a place that almost no one would check! Cartman quickly but quietly scampered over to Kyle's sleeping person. Before his search began, he took a moment to look him over just to make sure he was fast asleep. The 14-year-old Jewish boy lied silently on his back, his small body hardly taking up any space on his much larger bed. Dumb jew— he always wore his little green hat to bed with him. Did he really hate his hair that much?

Cartman leaned down towards Kyle, carefully beginning his search. Carefully slipping his hand under his pillow to check for his notebook, Cartman's eyes were plastered on Kyle's sleeping face to watch if he reacted. There was no reaction. Cartman then reached under the covers and ran his hand, as lightly as he could, over Kyle's pajama shirt. No notebook there either. Cartman slipped his hand off of his sleeping friend's torso when Kyle stirred slightly.

After a moment of waiting, Cartman trailed his fingers across and over Kyle's pajama pants to check for the notebook. This admittedly made him feel a bit dirty, but he focused on his work. As his fingers slipped to the outer side of Kyle's leg, Cartman noticed that there was something under Kyle's legs. He carefully pulled Kyle's covers up and poked his head along with his tiny flashlight under the blankets.

There, a book. He could see the pages of a book very clearly. So the jew did have his notebook! This was the first time Kyle actually ended up having something Cartman accused him of having. He snatched the book out from under Kyle's legs and pulled out of the covers to look at the book.

Cartman quirked a curious eyebrow when he found that it wasn't his notebook that Kyle had under his legs. It was a magazine. Not just any magazine either… a porn mag. Unzipped was the title, and on the cover there was a very toned looking shirtless man giving Cartman bedroom eyes. Cartman curiously flipped the book open and feasted his eyes on practically endless amounts of men touching each other and posing seductively. This was definitely something he didn't expect to see in Kyle's room. Just then, the creaking sound of a bed caused Cartman to jump. As he tore his eyes away from the magazine, he was faced with a very awake Kyle, sitting on the edge of his bed.

"Cartman…" Kyle's voice was laced with venom. His posture signaled that he was ready to leap off the bed and kick Cartman's ass. Cartman flashed his best innocent smile.

"Kahl! What are you doing here?" Cartman chimed, speaking rather quickly. "Oh, is this your house? Gee I must've been sleep walking again! Well I'll just show myself out." After the long string of words, Cartman hurriedly started for the window with the magazine in hand. A gasp hitched in his throat as a forearm flung around his neck and he was suddenly pulled into a headlock by Kyle.

"Give it back," Kyle growled through his teeth. Cartman squirmed under his smaller friend's grasp. Given the right circumstances, he could very easily fling Kyle off of him and make his escape, but that seemed entirely unnecessary for the situation. He gave in quite easily, handing the magazine back to Kyle. This unfortunately didn't make Kyle release Cartman from his headlock, despite Cartman tapping Kyle's arm for him to do so.

"You can let go now," Cartman strained.

Kyle was very red in the face, though it was hard to tell if it was from embarrassment or anger. Maybe both. Probably both. "How did you know about this, fatass?" Kyle snarled, his forearm squeezing against Cartman's neck as he emphasized the last word.

"I didn't, I snuck in here to check if you had something of mine," Cartman insisted, coughing. "I lost my notebook." Kyle continued to glare at the boy, but loosened his grip so that Cartman could pull away. Cartman tried to control his coughs as he straightened himself up. He glanced at Kyle's irritated face for a moment longer, then attempted to go towards the window once again. Kyle grabbed onto the larger boy's arm before he could head out.

"Cartman, you can't say anything about this to anyone." Kyle insisted. He tried to force his tone to be intimidating, but he couldn't help but come off as a little worried. Cartman opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted by an alarmed voice from Kyle's doorway.

"Eric?!" The voice nearly shouted. Kyle's face went pale as he hesitated to turn around. They must have made too much noise when they scrambled into the headlock, and it alerted Kyle's family.

Now Kyle's father Gerald stood in his doorway staring incredulously at the two boys, and had noticed the magazine in his son's hand. "What's going on here— why do you have that, Kyle?!" Kyle's father asked sounding very angry, walking towards the two of them in a frighteningly quick manner.

Kyle staggered back. If either of Kyle's parents found out his secret it would certainly be the end of his comfortable life.

"Dad I can explain—" Kyle barely managed to say. Just then, his magazine was snatched out of his hand.

To Kyle's surprise, it was Cartman that had taken it away, not Gerald. "Your son's been blackmailing me, Mr. Broflovski." Cartman quickly spoke, trying to sound somewhat hurt. Gerald was taken by surprise and confused by what the brown-haired boy was saying. "He found out I've been in the closet when he saw my porn magazine in my backpack, and he took it from me. He's been making me be nice to him all day every day for 2 weeks now. I just came over to get it back." Cartman paused briefly in order for the information to sink in. Gerald's expression had indeed changed significantly. Cartman turned back to Kyle.

"Take that Kyle! Now I don't have to do shit for you!" Cartman made a show of getting in Kyle's face and boasting, but Kyle was so surprised by what Cartman was saying that he didn't bother getting annoyed.

"…Oh," Gerald mumbled to himself. He soon straightened himself up and looked reprovingly at Kyle. "Kyle, you shouldn't use Eric being in the closet as a weapon, even if he is being mean to you. Sexuality is a very sensitive thing in high school. And you certainly shouldn't pick on Eric for being gay. I raised you to be a tolerant person."

Kyle raised an eyebrow and glanced at Cartman to see if he was seeing the irony of the situation. From the way Cartman's mouth hung open for a brief moment, Kyle could conclude that he saw it too. Cartman quickly cleared his throat.

"I hope you won't tell anyone else about what happened here, Mr. Broflovski. If the guys at school knew about this it would ruin me." Cartman said, faking a soft, vulnerable voice. Kyle noticed that Cartman was still holding the magazine in his hand, and it didn't look like he intended to give it back.

"Of course not, Eric. But you know, you shouldn't be breaking into people's houses for any reason. I know it was to get your magazine back, but you should have come to me or Kyle's mother first." Kyle's father said waving a scolding finger at Cartman. Kyle frowned at Cartman when he saw the familiar innocent smile that Cartman always faked around his parents.

"I understand. I'll just be going now," Cartman said, slipping out of Kyle's window and heading back down the ladder. Kyle watched Cartman from his window as he leisurely put the Broflovski's ladder back where it belonged and strode down the street like nothing had happened, with Kyle's magazine in hand.

"Now Kyle," Kyle heard his father start again, "I want you to be careful around Eric. Understand?"

"Careful?" Kyle turned to look questioningly at his father.

"Yes. He might try to do weird things to you."

Kyle got an offended look on his face. "Dad, that's messed up!"

"It's very possible, Kyle! He might even rub off on you. So be careful!" Gerald repeated, grabbing the doorknob to begin closing it. "Now get back to bed."

Kyle angrily threw himself onto his bed, grumbling to himself. That was exactly why Kyle was still in the closet. His parents claimed to be tolerant of gays but they would rather die than have a gay son. It would be a disgrace to their family or some shit. It's a good thing Cartman said what he said, or else Kyle would've been—

… Wait.


Cartman just took fall for his gay porn magazine. He just claimed that he was the gay one instead of Kyle. He saved Kyle from the shame of being found out by his parents.

… Why would Cartman do that? Kyle suddenly became nervous.

Whatever the reason was, Cartman must've been planning to use it against him. After all, Cartman was now in possession of Kyle's magazine. That was what scared Kyle the most. Cartman could easily make Kyle do his bidding to keep his mouth shut. But… at least it wasn't over yet. His home life hadn't been ruined in the blink of an eye, so… At least this way, he had time to figure out what he was going to do about Cartman.

End of Chapter 1

As a side note I'd like to say that I am A-Okay with receiving feedback. I hope I end up writing the characters right. ^ ^;