Konoha was easy to find with the directions the kids had given him. It was a good-sized city by local standards, in the middle of a massive forest with a mountain on one side that had an Asian version of Mount Rushmore carved into it. Missing it would have taken some effort on Xander's part. The village looked like a medieval city, built to survive constant warfare, but with an Asian feel to it from the red tile roofs to the Meiji style architecture. Xander thought it looked cool, though he had no idea why they called it a hidden village since it was so easy to find with well-traveled roads leading right to it.
Xander took his time flying there so he didn't damage the ship or crush his passengers, choosing to land outside of the open main gate, which was a thirty-foot-wide entrance in the massive stone wall that surrounded the village. Xander carefully set the ice encrusted ship on the ground in front of the massive gates and Kakashi immediately jumped out of the hole in the side of the ship, followed by his team.
At the sight of their fellow nin, the gathering nin on the walls let out a sigh of relief or various mutters of thanks to their deity of worship as apparently a flying man carrying a small iceberg with a ship inside had put them on edge.
An old man in white and red robes wearing a triangular hat appeared in a swirl of leaves with a group of six animal masked figures. "Kakashi, I trust the mission was a success?"
"Hey old man!" Naruto cried out with a wide smile, rushing over to give him a hug. "It was awesome! We defeated Zabuza!"
The old man smiled fondly down at the young boy. "So I hear." He patted him on the back. "We can talk about it over lunch, once we've got Kakashi's report filed."
Kakashi smiled under his mask. "Hokage-sama, I have… a lot to report, but the basic details are, our upgraded A rank was completed to everyone's satisfaction with no lasting injuries to my team."
"That's good to hear," the Hokage said as Raven and Hippolyta floated out of the ship followed by a cautious Haku. "How about some introductions?"
"Allow me," Kakashi told Naruto before he could speak. "Everyone, this is Sarutobi Hiruzen, the third Hokage of the Village Hidden in the Leaves."
Kakashi turned to the visitors. "This is Xander, Hippolyta, and Raven, Deities visiting from another world and Haku of the Yuki clan, apprentice to Zabuza who is the current Mizukage."
Sarutobi blinked. "It sounds like it's going to be some report," he said.
"It is, Hokage-sama," Kakashi said firmly, trying to impart the importance of proper behavior in front of outsiders to his students.
"Hey, we kicked the Mizukage's ass," Naruto said suddenly, completely missing Kakashi's 'subtle' lesson, "as a team we rock!"
Kakashi sighed while Sakura grabbed Naruto's ear and loudly lectured him on proper decorum at full volume.
Sarutobi laughed. "I'm just glad everything turned out so well. Fresh genin teams are not assigned A rank missions for a reason after all."
"When they actually work as a team they are a force to be reckoned with," Kakashi said proudly, "it's only every other second they're together they fight like a bag of cats."
"They're young, they'll get over it," Xander said. "Mostly," he added after a moment as he thought of his friends.
"Xander and his consorts are here to buy furniture for their temple as they are only staying on this plane until tonight," Kakashi told Sarutobi. "Naruto suggested a place he knew in the village and they were kind enough to give us a lift."
"That was nice of you," Sarutobi said with a grandfatherly smile that was not entirely faked. "Let me provide you with a guide while you're here."
"A couple of guards and a go-between isn't a bad idea either," Xander offered, thinking about what he would do in the old man's place, "it'll help us get our shopping done and prevent any needless worry our presence causes."
Hippolyta chuckled. "You don't believe in subtlety, do you?"
"I can do subtle," Xander defended himself, "but sometimes a little directness prevents problems from cropping up and since they've been so helpful the least I can do is prevent any misunderstandings."
"It's a refreshing change from the usual visit of foreign dignitaries," Sarutobi told him, clearly amused.
A slender dark haired nin appeared, seeming to melt out of the shadows. "Would you mind parking the ship where it won't block traffic?"
"Can I have it?" Naruto asked excitedly. "You said you didn't want it."
"Sure," Xander replied. "Where would you like it?"
"Well…" Naruto considered where to place it for a second before deciding, "there's a nice pond where we meet up in the mornings to wait for our sensei. It has a red bridge across one end and is near our usual training ground."
Xander turned and scanned the city. "The one with scraps of your orange jumpsuit in one of the bushes?"
"Got caught by one of my own traps," Naruto admitted, "but that's the one."
The ship vanished and Xander was suddenly holding a small chest under one arm. "Done. Not sure why you want it, but it's sitting in the middle of the pond. You'll want to check it for traps, since I didn't clear out the personal belongings of the crew."
"Thanks!" Naruto said with a bright smile.
"Teleportation?" the nin asked.
Xander shook his head. "Speed," he replied, pretending not to notice the way the surrounding nin stiffened.
"When I said they were deities I was not exaggerating," Kakashi said.
"I'm suddenly even more interested in your report," Sarutobi replied.
"So am I," Kakashi agreed, "because I haven't written it yet, but to be fair, we completed our mission less than an hour ago and I was planning on writing it on the way back… which turned out to be roughly thirty seconds."
"I had to take my time so you didn't turn into soup," Xander said. "Also, not a god, just really powerful."
"Potato, tomato," Kakashi said with a smirk that you didn't need X-ray vision to see.
"Fair enough," Xander said, "I'm just pointing out I'm not descended from divinity, so no being overly polite and all that."
"I am descended from divinity, but thankfully my people are warriors, so there wasn't an excess except for formal occasions," Hippolyta offered.
Raven raised an eyebrow as everyone looked at her. "I'm descended from the demonic, not the divine and I'd rather be treated like a normal person."
Sarutobi gestured to a pair of his guards. "Rabbit, Cat, make sure no one upsets our visitors." He turned to the nin who had asked Xander to move the ship. "Shikaku, if you'd care to escort them."
Shikaku let out a heavy sigh. "If I must. It's probably less of a drag than listening to the report." He gave a lazy wave to Xander and the others to follow him before entering the village.
Xander chuckled as he and the girls followed their guide into the village proper, with Haku sticking close to them.
"An interesting mix of technologies," Raven noted as she looked around. "You have powerlines and electrical lighting, but use carts and horses."
"I'm not sure how those are connected," Shikaku admitted. "Is there a way to speed up transportation using electricity?"
"Many," Xander replied, "but she's probably thinking of cars and trucks, vehicles that use internal combustion engines."
"I was," Raven agreed as they looked around curiously. "You seem to have skipped gasoline and most products that require oil, like plastic and rubber."
"Not sure what plastic is, but we do have rubber," Shikaku offered. "It's rather expensive as the trees the sap is collected from are difficult to cultivate."
"Technologies tend to develop based upon local resources," Hippolyta said. "Lacking deposits of oil close to the surface would account for their missing any of the accompanying technologies."
"That's a very interesting concept," Shikaku said, impressed.
"You learn a few things after the first millennia of life," she replied with a serene smile.
"That looks like a good store," Xander said as he spotted the wares inside a furniture store.
"Looked through the wall?" Hippolyta guessed as these stores, unlike on their respective Earth's, didn't have large glass windows in front of them to allow people to window shop but instead relied on colorful signs and reputation to draw in customers.
"Yes, and I like what I see," Xander said as they crossed the street after a cart carrying bales of cloth passed. "Not only is the furniture made of solid wood, they've also used steel to reinforce the frame."
"Ichigo is quite talented," Shikaku said as Rabbit entered the store ahead of them while Cat silently gestured for them to wait, "though most of his sales are to active nin as he values function over form."
"Which is exactly what I'm looking for," Xander said as Rabbit came out of the store and waved them inside.
"Very nice," Hippolyta said as they entered seeing the quality of the furniture and comparing it to the furniture her daughter had shown her from IKEA. "While the style is not one I'm used to I can see that they were made with quality in mind."
Shikaku raised an eyebrow and looked around, wondering what she was seeing that he did not, as it looked like simple but sturdy furniture to him.
"Yeah," Xander said, "It's comfortable, doesn't have excessive frills and you can throw the couch at someone without it breaking."
"That's how you judge furniture?" Raven asked, unable to hide her amusement.
"Also by comfort, but I could sleep in lava so the bar is kinda low," Xander admitted.
A blonde-haired woman wearing a pink kimono covered in sunflowers stepped forward. "I see you have an eye for quality. My husband is a retired chunin and designs our furniture to be able to survive a battle, though I don't believe anyone has used a couch as a projectile weapon thus far. My name is Sousuko."
"Where are my manners," Xander said with a smile, finding he liked her attitude, but then he'd liked most of the people he'd met so far. "My name is Xander. The lovely blonde woman to my right is Hippolyta, Queen of the Amazons. The young lady to my left, hiding in her cloak, is Raven."
"Your highness," Sousuko said, quickly bowing.
"None of that," Hippolyta said, "I've abdicated in favor of my daughter for the moment. Currently I'm merely a concubine."
Xander snickered. "As if either of you can be called merely anything."
"A wise man," Sousuko said, exchanging a smile with Hippolyta.
Xander shrugged. "To quote Socrates, 'The only true wisdom lies in knowing you know nothing."
"I didn't know you studied the great philosophers," Hippolyta said with some surprise.
"I know exactly that one phrase from that one guy," Xander said with a smirk.
"There's a joke in there, isn't there?" Raven asked, sensing his amusement.
Shikaku stroked his goatee. "But… wouldn't that mean the more knowledge you accrued, the less wisdom you possessed? Oh, that's the joke."
Xander laughed. "That's better than my joke was going to be, which is 'I saw it in a movie."
"I hadn't realized they made movies about philosophers," Hippolyta said, curiously. What she knew of from Man's World was rather limited, mostly consisting of her daughter's reports. She made a mental note to correct that when she had the opportunity.
"He had a bit part, it mostly focused on two teenage boys travelling through time and meeting famous historical figures," Xander explained, "but they have movies about everything where I'm from."
"How much furniture do we need?" Raven asked, not wanting to get sidetracked into a discussion on popular films, having suffered through Beast Boy and Cyborg's obsession with several movie franchisees far too many times to willingly subject herself to something similar if she could avoid it.
"I figured we'd just buy everything," Xander said. "The temple has zero furniture and we can store everything we don't use in one of the storage rooms."
"How many beds do you need and what size should they be?" Sousuko asked.
Xander shook his head. "I want everything in the store." He set the chest on a dining table and opened it, revealing a fortune in gold and jewels. "Take out enough to make you feel giddy and have someone build a container large enough to hold it all."
Raven reached into the chest, removing several stacks of gold bars, and set them aside. "Push through the shock please."
Sousuko stared for a second before managing to regain control of herself. "I'm not sure I've ever had 'giddy' as a payment option before."
Raven doubled the amount of gold and set several blue gems on top of the pile before nodding in satisfaction. "She feels giddy now," she told Xander.
Xander grinned. "How long will it take you to have everything ready?"
Sousuko did some quick estimations in her head. "Two to three hours, but I'm not sure how you'd ship the resulting container, it's going to take up half the street and weigh as much as a house."
"It'll be taken care of," Shikaku assured her.
"Can we do some clothes shopping while we're here?" Raven asked hopefully. "Specifically, shirts."
"So modest," Hippolyta said with an amused smile.
"We can spend a little time on shopping for clothes," Xander reluctantly agreed.
Raven immediately turned to Shikaku. "Clothes please."
"Would you prefer pre-made or custom tailored?" Shikaku asked.
"Whichever is quicker," Xander said. "I've always found clothes shopping exhausting, but it's up to Raven since I just need a few simple things and can always escape if it takes too long."
"Pre-made is fine," Raven said, "I generally prefer a unitard or body stocking and boots."
Shikaku nodded. "I know just the place."
As soon as they were in the Hokage's office, Sarutobi bit his thumb and wiped a drop of blood against a corner of his desk.
Elegant lines of script crawled across the walls before fading from sight, the three genin staring wide eyed at the casual display of skill and power.
"Threat level," Sarutobi demanded.
"If they aren't gods, they are close enough to make the distinction academic," Kakashi reported. "Xander is the most physically powerful as you've seen, but Hippolyta has also displayed strength and speed at least on par with Gai. Raven has displayed skills in shadow manipulation, healing, and implanting knowledge directly in the mind that any nin would kill for. Fortunately they are quite friendly and, according to them, will be leaving this world tonight."
"They're good people," Naruto added. "Xander chucked the Sanbi off the planet to free Mist and gave us cool swords!"
"Each of my students was given a chakra blade as a gift and he gave me two for helping disarm a trap on a chest full of gold and jewels," Kakashi explained.
"Generous," Sarutobi said with a thoughtful nod. "We'll have to schedule training so your students can handle them."
"As long as no one attacks or insults our visitors I don't expect we'll have any problem with them," Kakashi said. "That being said, if we do have a problem with them, our best bet is to resolve it to their satisfaction as quickly as possible."
Sarutobi nodded. "That's my assessment as well."
"Fortunately, they seem to be unusually well adjusted for people as powerful as they are," Kakashi said. "Hippolyta didn't take offense at Naruto trying to cover her with his jacket when he thought she'd lost her shirt and wasn't going topless by design and Raven has been enjoying teasing Sasuke as he's tried to use low level jutsu to get a glimpse of her chest."
"What?!" Sasuke and Sakura chorused, both upset for completely different reasons.
"Why do small children keep pointing at me and saying Tanuki?" Xander asked curiously as they walked down the street.
Hippolyta burst out laughing while Raven and Haku smothered their own with some effort.
Shikaku decided to answer as delicately as possible, hoping not to upset him, "Xander, the Tanuki, or Racoon Dog, has a few defining characteristics which you seem to embody."
"I'm guessing the black circles around my eyes are one," Xander said, having joked about them himself before. "So, what's the other one?"
"They are known for having extremely large testicles," Shikaku said bluntly, "and your choice of attire…"
Xander glanced down at his spandex bicycle shorts and snickered. "Got it. I guess some clothes shopping is a good idea after all."
"Does this mean you won't be lounging around the beach in your shorts anymore?" Hippolyta asked with a pout.
"Of course not," Xander said, "we can lounge around in whatever you like, I just mean I'll wear a bit more when out in public. At least enough so small children aren't pointing at my junk."
"Probably a wise idea," Raven said with a smirk, Xander's good humor literally being contagious to her now that she had loosened her hold on her emotions. "So, spandex pants are no longer the island's mandatory uniform?"
"Only for special occasions," Xander teased, "like days that end in 'why?' As in, 'Why does this crazy man insist I walk around in nearly nothing?"
"Obviously it's because we are such striking displays of female perfection that it would be a crime to cover us up," Hippolyta joked.
"Well… you're not wrong," Xander said honestly, "but mainly I was just being a dick cause I was a bit upset at the time."
"Perhaps, but I can't say you were unduly harsh in your responses and those of us you 'punished' seem to be benefiting from it," she said with a smile.
"You learned your lesson so quickly I never even got to the part where I'd need to spank you," Xander teased.
Hippolyta froze in place for half a step before blushing, thankful that Xander was in front of her and couldn't see.
"I've never been spanked," Raven spoke up to cover for Hippolyta. "Probably because my power would have exploded and destroyed everything around me."
"Yeah, you got the short end of the stick," Xander replied, pretending not to have heard Hippolyta's heart rate triple. "But thankfully you'll have plenty of chances to let your hair down and really find out what you're capable of."
"That reminds me, I need to find a bookstore that has books on seals and jutsu," Raven said. "I'd also like to stop by the hospital."
"I'll see what I can find on jutsu and seals that are available," Shikaku said making a series of subtle hand signs to one of the nin escorting them from the shadows, "but how does that connect to visiting the hospital?"
"It doesn't," Raven replied, "but I like healing people."
"Now that is a power I wish I had," Xander said wistfully. "I can take people apart, but putting them back together? You have my envy there."
"I know of some minor rituals that can heal, but most depend on the favor of the gods," Hippolyta said, glad for the change in subject. "We have some remarkable healers on my home island, but I never studied it myself. Thinking on it, it was rather short sighted of me, but ruling always takes up so much time."
Xander turned back to look at the former queen. "You have time now."
Hippolyta smiled. "I do, don't I."
"I'll have them include some books on healing techniques," Shikaku decided. "Can you use chakra?"
"Not really sure what that is," Hippolyta admitted, "but as has just been pointed out, I have time to learn as do you."
"I've just tricked myself into studying, haven't I?" Xander asked with a chuckle.
"If you want to learn healing you have," Hippolyta agreed. "Take heart, the rituals I know take less than half an hour to perform and only require the sacrifice of an animal's heart, so you even get a good meal out of it. As long as you know the name of the gods of your homeland, they are easy to perform."
"I punched out all my gods," Xander reminded her. "Well… those I didn't boot or noogie anyway."
"Noogie?" Shikaku asked.
"It's when you get them in a headlock and grind your knuckles into their scalp," Xander explained.
"You noogied a god?" Raven asked in disbelief.
"Coyote was askin for it," Xander said, a little of Lobo leaking into his voice.
"Are you sure you committed violence on every member of every pantheon?" Hippolyta asked as she tried to think of every pantheon she had knowledge of.
"Yeah… well, "Xander looked embarrassed, "Not quite," he admitted, "but I'm pretty sure they were even more pissed."
"What did you do?" Raven asked cautiously, not sure she wanted to know.
"Let me give you a bit of backstory," Xander said. "In my world demons were plentiful and a number of named beings had been killed on both sides. So, the number of deities on both sides are a lot lower than on yours. Now, one of the reasons I listened to Athena and Aphrodite is because I feel a smidgen of guilt over how I treated them."
"Please tell me you didn't kill my patron's counterparts," Hippolyta begged.
"I didn't kill any of the gods," Xander promised. "The Lobo part of me had a bit freer rein because I was still adjusting, so he smacked Dite on the ass, gave her a wedgie, and chucked her into the ocean."
"That… isn't too bad," Hippolyta decided.
"I think punching her would have been less offensive," Xander said. "It was completely inappropriate and my best friends would have been seriously pissed if they'd found out."
"And Athena?" Hippolyta asked, thinking Aphrodite probably preferred that treatment to being punched or at least her own Aphrodite would.
"Blistered her ass," Xander said. "I was pissed that the goddess of wisdom could behave so stupidly as to agree to the compact both sides signed which limited their powers and how much help they could provide to mortals. Evil cheats! Anything they agree to is designed to further their goals, it is never fair!"
"That would have stung her pride enough to make calling on her unsafe," Hippolyta said with a sigh, "but the spanking would come second to a mortal calling her out on having made an unwise decision."
"I've gotten a much better grip on the Lobo part of me, so I don't have to worry about anything like that occurring again," Xander said. "Still… I feel bad."
"As well you should, but at least you learned from it and have increased your self-control," Hippolyta said.
"What about Artemis?" Raven asked.
"Straight beat down, though I may have lost my big toe kicking her in the ass. I'm not quite sure as we both pulled out a lot of dirty tricks and I regenerate pretty quickly," Xander said.
"The fact that you beat her is enough to make her unsafe to call upon," Hippolyta said, "where your toe ended up she wouldn't care."
"Was the compact the reason you could defeat all the gods?" Shikaku asked.
"No," Xander said shaking his head, "but it was the reason I beat them so quickly. Without the compact it would have taken decades if not centuries."
"Were there any gods you did not beat up or disrespect?" Hippolyta asked in exasperation.
"I don't think so," Xander said. "I had to deal with everyone and I wasn't in my right mind at the time, so I'd wipe out a tribe of demons, one of the Powers would show up, I'd demonstrate my feelings on their orders, rinse, repeat, etc…"
"The gods were upset you were killing demons?" Shikaku asked, just to be sure.
"The compact not only limited what they could do, it also made them enforce it and part of that was dealing with any new power that was upsetting the status quo, so evil was slowly taking over while the good guys were making complex plans, completely convinced of their superiority," Xander explained.
"Are you sure they weren't right?" Hippolyta asked.
"Complex plans fail if any single thing goes wrong, and considering I broke one of their prophecies while I was still a run of the mill mortal, they had to fail pretty often, but regardless of all of that, evil was just distracting them by working against their plan while their real move was simply slowly moving in demon after demon until having a world with more demons than Hell was the status quo," Xander explained.
"Do you think that your gaining powers and destroying the compact might have been one of their complicated plans?" Raven asked.
Xander froze as still as a statue but floated forward at the same pace.
Raven waved a hand to stop Hippolyta from saying anything as Xander thought.
"If you're right, and that's a pretty big if… then they planned it in advance, knowing what evil would do and setting themselves up to 'fail' against me so evil would have no choice but to agree on a new compact with them to 'thwart' me, giving mankind five hundred years to grow stronger without interfering," Xander said.
"Which should be their ultimate goal," Raven pointed out.
Xander groaned. "Now I feel somewhat guilty."
"Only somewhat?" Hippolyta asked in disbelief.
"They were being complete bastards to me and all my friends, enemies… humanity in general," Xander said with a shrug. "So, if you're wrong, they deserved it and if you're right I was only doing what they set me up to do, so it's still their fault."
"That is one way to look at it," Raven admitted politely, dealing with her teammates helping her follow his twisted logic.
Xander perked back up. "I'll mope about it later, I've got centuries after all. Now, before I forget I just remembered my latest dealing with a god level entity and why we got up this morning." He turned to Shikaku. "Does your village know how to make slurpees?"
Raven blinked at how quickly Xander's emotions had shifted only to stare as Hippolyta's had swiftly changed as well.
"Or slushies!" the Amazon Queen added eagerly.
Typing By: Abyssal Angel
TN: Somehow I doubt that was their plan. Too simple. Maybe if that was just scratching the surface… Like them hoping Xander would recruit some new talent to bring back and stomp the demons even more effectively if he holds out for that long…