Characters aren't mine. They belong to ABC, Disney, and other assorted entities of importance. I gain nothing from writing these stories but the fun of doing it. Please don't sue me.

Dear Editor:

They're at it again. I'd be mad, but, at this point in my life, I've come to the decision that it's better to accept things as they are and work around it. I mean, what else can I do? It's not as though anyone is really paying attention to me. I'm not important here. Back in the Enchanted Forest, I was a milkmaid.

Yes. A milkmaid.

I know what you're thinking, and, no, I'm not 5'7" with long blonde hair done up in braids, and, no, I didn't wear clogs or those weird little dresses with apron things down the front of them. In fact, being a milkmaid was terrible. It was dirty work, and I cannot tell you how hard it is to get the smell of cow off of you. Actually, you can't. I smelled like a barn all the time, and bathing in the Enchanted Forest was remarkably difficult to do if you weren't a royal because there just wasn't a place to do it unless you lived near a body of water, which I did not.

So, for the first 25 years of my life, I lived in the White Kingdom as a milkmaid. I spent my days around cows and pigs and pig-like men and whatever other disgusting thing you can think of, and, during most of that time, I had the added bonus of either trying to dodge Queen Regina's so-called knights to keep them from trying to use me for things other than regular milkmaid duties or trying to understand whatever ridiculous rule Snow White and Prince James had decided to implement to make things "better."

It never made things better. Ever.

At least, with Queen Regina, the taxes did, in fact, go to helping out the towns because the officials were too scared to lie to her. With Snow White and Prince James? Pfft! Forget about it. Everything was fair game. I can't tell you the amount of times after those two gained power that I was given the option of giving up my last penny to the tax collector or giving the filthy swine "something else."

There was a reason why I was penniless for most of my young adult life.

To recap, in the Enchanted Forest, I was a single, filthy, penniless milkmaid who was also considered an old maid because I wasn't married with children yet.

Yeah, my life was awesome.

When Queen Regina enacted the curse and I saw the purple smoke coming at me, I distinctly remember thinking to myself, "Well, anything has to be better than this."

I can't say I was wrong. Yes, I had no idea who I was for 28 years, but they were a pretty good 28 years. I'm an administrative assistant who works in the mayor's office. It's not glamorous, and the general rule has always been to stay out of the mayor's way, but it's a good job.

I'm not living in a barn anymore. I have a nice apartment, running water, electricity, and I can take a bath whenever I want. A bath! It's like I died and went to heaven. I don't smell like a cow, I don't have to work every single day, I have healthcare benefits, central heat and air, and the ability to go to the store and buy whatever I want to eat as opposed to having to grow it and/or kill it myself.

Who doesn't love that?

Working for Mayor Mills was a little touch and go for the first 5 or 10 years. After that, I found a pretty good rhythm about it, and, once the curse was broken, I was just happy to not be a milkmaid again. To this day, I still don't understand why a fourth of the town decided to storm the mayor's house because, frankly, we have it pretty good here, and, with the curse broken, it wasn't like we couldn't find a happy ending.

Not that most of us in this town were ever likely to find a happy ending in the Enchanted Forest anyway. Most 'happily ever after' stories apply to royals and royals alone. The rest of us lowly peasants are lucky if we didn't die from some wretched disease before the age of 25.

I love how the Charmings and the group of what was once their council of advisors never bothered to take a poll and ask the remaining three-fourths of the population here what we wanted to do. Nope. As per the usual, they just rushed headlong into it acting as if they knew what's best for us.

Let me tell you a thing. They. Do. Not.

I can't think of a single person I know personally who wants to go back to living in our filth and squalor while the royals go back to their happy endings and castles.

What's more, when they kicked Mayor Mills out of office, which is completely illegal, by the way, they didn't instate anyone to take her place, so the administrative staff spent months trying to keep the city running without a mayor or an interim mayor or anything.

I've forged Mayor Mills' signature so much because of this that my own signature is starting to resemble hers.

None of the royals can leave well enough alone, and it's starting to really tick me off. It's not just me. It's most of us in this town. After nearly destroying the town and us with it, they go off to Neverland and come back with Peter Pan.

That's like going to hell and deciding to bring Satan back. Who does that?!

Naturally, this all ends in everyone being forced back to the Enchanted Forest. I have no idea why nor how, but I'm sure it had to do with Mayor Mills' son, Peter Pan, and Mr. Gold. Excuse me, make that Emma Swan's son, Rumpelstiltskin's father, and Rumple himself. At least, that's what the rumors say happened. I have no idea because no one bothers to fill us in on whatever grievance of the moment is going on with the royals that is, thus, sending us to God only knows where this time.

Far be it for anyone to let the majority of the town in on what's happening. The outside world wants to complain about the 1% having it all and forcing the other 99% to do their bidding and bend to their needs. They don't know the meaning of the concept.

Now, of course, we can't remember the last year of our lives, which is just about par for the course, and, naturally, there's yet another witch to deal with. This time, it's the Wicked Witch of the West, also known as Zelena, who, apparently, is also Mayor Mills' half-sister.

Who needs to watch soap operas when you have this lot of royals governing the town?

Oh, and did I mention the flying monkeys? Yeah, we have those now in addition to the fairies (whom I've never trusted), the disproportionate amount of royals, and Emma Swan, who I choose to classify by herself because, whenever she shows up, my life gets completely turned upside-down.

Every time I see her, I just want to throw something at her and beg her to stop it. Whatever it is she's doing, I just want her to stop because I'm tired of having to worry if I'm going to be a milkmaid again or that flying monkeys are going to poop on me. I know it's not really her fault, but I'll be damned if she isn't the harbinger of whatever bad crap is about to happen to the town next.

Is it too much to ask that they royals just ignore each other and let the rest of us live in a place that has the internet?

I really don't think it is. I mean, what do they have against us living in some kind of harmony where no one is accidentally hurt by default of getting hit by a stray fireball or something? Between the witches, the imp, and other maligned magical creatures here, Detroit is safer than Storybrooke.

Look, I'm not saying that what Queen Regina did was right, and I'm not saying that Mayor Mills is always the best mayor. In fact, I might even vote for someone else if we'd ever get a chance at an election because, you know, we live in a democracy here, and, now that we know who we are, I'm pretty sure someone else would run against her.

Not Snow White.

I'd rather poke my eyes out with rusty nails than vote her in office. She tries to fix everything with love, hugs, and good wishes. There's no way I'd voluntarily let her lead us, and I'm not EVEN sorry to say that.

I just want to live my life, go to work Monday through Friday for 9ish hours a day, have my weekends free to play online, and occasionally have a bite to eat at Granny's Diner without having to worry about getting hurt, killed, or, worse, pulled into another drama filled event courtesy of our royals.

Is that so much to ask?

I mean, they totaled my car when Tiny came to town, and the local insurance company said that 'destruction by giant was not a legitimate claim,' and I loved that car. It was like my child. When Cora came to town, she magically restrained me for an hour as she riffled through Mayor Mills' office on what I can only assume was the first day Cora arrived. She was clearly doing some kind of reconnaissance. Frankly, I didn't actually care what she was doing. I cared that I couldn't feel my hands and feet, and I honestly thought she was going to kill, but, luckily, she thought I was too low in class to bother with killing.

Thank you. It's good to know how valuable I am as a person, as if I didn't know that already.

Right now, things would be great if Zelena wasn't in the picture because, again, there are flying monkeys. I'm pretty sure one of them ate my neighbor's dog. I'm not sorry about that, either. The little shit barked all the time. Really, it was more of a blessing for him to suddenly 'disappear.'

That said, Regina Mills is actually our mayor again, the Charmings are too busy with the pregnancy to bother trying to 'help' with governing the town, and, thanks to the fact Henry has no idea who he actually is, Emma Swan is too preoccupied with keeping it that way to bother with anything else outside of taking out the Wicked Witch.

That's all fine and dandy, but, if I wind up in the Enchanted Forest one more time, I'm going to lose it. I mean it. I have had enough of this bullshit. One more time of being forced to go somewhere and do something I don't want to do because it falls in line with what the royals' trauma drama is doing, and I'm going to start an uprising. Yup, I'm going to blow it all up, and I'm going to have help.

The townsfolk are tired. We want off this rollercoaster. I may just be an administrative assistant, or a milkmaid, but even we low-on-the-totem-pole people have feelings and rights. We do! I think it's getting about time the royals were reminded they're not the only people affected by the dumb shit they do.

I'm going to start with a petition. Anyone want to sign?

With much frustration,

Ann Hawthorne

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