My Time Of Dying
By Breech Loader
Breech: This fanfic was once a one-shot, but it got longer and longer. I'm using my style of First Person Present Tense. The Fourth Wall is also lying choking on its own blood in the dirt.
The Sonourge was going to be subtle, but the Faggotry Factor (I call dibs on that term) got a lot stronger. However, it's going to remain clean. This is a story about Scourge dealing with depression, and oh MAN but it's angsty. According to some of my readers, it makes them cry.
Can things change for the better, instead of just changing?
Chapter One: My Time Of Dying
Let me tell you what the shitty thing is about being born on Moebius. And it's not the evil twin shit, even though that's pretty damn demeaning. I can handle being Evil. I'm not that proud. Hell, for the longest time I liked being evil.
Hell, I can even live with only living because the Blue Blockhead lives. Pisses me off that he's supposed to be the best, I swear. Living in another guy's shadow sure does suck. But that's not the worst thing. That, I can deal with.
The really shitty thing is all the opposites. Everything that's good in his dimension is bad here. And he's got a lot of goody-goodies hanging around. And you know what that means? That means the Blue Blunder gets all the breaks and I get all the shit. We both get a bunch of hot chicks aimed at us, but his are sweet and cool and they stick to it. Mine are still damn sexy, but they're a bunch of whores and nags and unreliable bitches. And shut the hell up, no, I don't like bitchy cunts just because he doesn't like them either.
I mean, look at Amy versus Rosy. Both obsessive stalkers. But mine's a total psycho who wants to kill me. And you know what the bitchy part is? She used to like me. Sure, she was a creepy little cow, but whatever. Sonic's Amy makes a wish on a Power Ring, to get older. She gets some nicely developing Tee and Ay. My Rosy makes the same wish on one of our Power Rings and guess what happens? She bumps herself up a few years, and turns into a goddamn psycho.
Doesn't stop there. He's got that brat Tails too. Sure, the kid's a freak and a crybaby, but at least he's loyal and honest. My Miles is a backstabbing little bastard who hates me. He's always plotting against me. Hell, he's always plotting against everybody, the cunning little cunt-nugget that he is.
Same goes for all of Sonic's pals. They love him. My posse would just love to use my head as a paperweight if I gave them half the chance. And because this is Moebius, it doesn't matter whether I want to be nice to them or not; if I'm not the biggest asshole who can stamp all over them; the meanest motherfucker on the planet, I'm dead meat.
Now don't get me wrong, the nice guys sure are a bunch of wusses. But they work together a shitton better than the collection of morons in my dimension. If Sonic wants somebody to rely on, he just has to look out the window. If I want loyal mooks I have to scrounge them off Sonic's dimension.
But you know what the worst thing of all is? The shittiest thing? Even doing good things here doesn't cut it. Take my dad… and Sonic's dad. One time I snuck into Sonic's house to give him a good surprise late-night pummelling. His dad spots me and starts lecturing. And that's when it hits me. How much my dimension sucks.
Because my dad was a politician. Kind of an Ambassador. Good at it, too, I guess. My dad brought in the Great Peace to Anti-Mobius, as it was known at the time. Never thought of anything besides bringing peace to the planet. Sure as hell never thought of me. What happens next? Happy, hippy days? Nope, we still get the shitty end of the shit-stick. Why? Because this is Anti-Mobius and good things don't happen here. Mobius is having the helluva war, but do we get perfect peace and a chance for the evolution of society towards happier days? No, we get endless stagnant debates and arguments that try to drag us back to outdated laws and a whole load of corruption instead.
But Sonic? Sonic gets a brave, tough soldier dad who's always there for him and would die for him, even though he's ended up a stupid robot. My dad didn't need to risk his life for me because he led the Great Peace. But that just means he wouldn't have given a shit about me if he did need to. That just means he's a coward. Doesn't matter that he did a good thing, because he's the Anti-Jules; the opposite of a good person, and that just means whatever he does is gonna end up wrong.
Because he's the good guy, Sonic Prime gets to have a father. Mine-
No, I don't wanna think about how that happened again...
And if you're wondering what happened to my mom, well, she died when I was being born. Way-fucking-hey. That's my life. I couldn't even be born without making something bad happen.
Mobius gets rid of its old, weak king and gets democracy, which seems to be working pretty well for those pussies. I kick out that asshole Maxx, and everybody hates me just because I'm the one in charge. If I tried something like 'democracy' on Moebius, my head'd wind up on a spike by the end of the day. Even the best girlfriend I ever had was scrounged from Mobius Prime. And I… I just can't take that shit any more. The way that just because there's so much good on Sonic's world means there has to be so much bad here. We don't get to choose, so that they can. They don't know how good they have it.
Sonic gets those kickass Chaos Emeralds. From the kick I got outta that Master Emerald, those things rock before and after. You can use 'em all you want. I'm still feeling good from my last hit on Angel Island. Moebius gets the Anarchy Beryl, which is kinda like super-cocaine. Nobody hardly touches the stuff because after one use you're out for the best part of the next day.
Oh yeah, and it's addictive as all get-out. Once isn't enough, twice is too many. Trust me, I still keep thinking about my first trip on that shit. Most days I wish I'd never tried it at all.
It used to be that I liked being bad. I guess a lot of me still does get a kick outta smacking heads. I sure like being the best. Except I'm not the best, either, because Sonic Prime busts my ass because however hard I try, I'm still the Evil Sonic and anything I do is evil so he can kick my ass any which way he chooses to slice it and still be the hero.
I know I wouldn't make much of a hero, but I tried, y'know? That ass-bandit Shadow… he's got some qualities I could like if he didn't aim 'em at me. And people call him a hero. I tried fighting the bad guys on Moebius. And we've got them in plenty. What happens? I run the planet, but everybody hates me for being in charge. Which is why I took a jump here through a Super Warp Ring. Okay, I know these people are kinda mad about the time I tried to take over their Freedom HQ but I figured, okay, I'll try busting up this dimension's resident super-asshole. If they're the good guys, they'll give me a second chance, right? And for some fucked up reason, what happens? Sonic the Hero-hog turns up and stops me from killing a goddamn warlord, because he's just that much of a hero.
I didn't know what to think about that, so I just made a run for it.
And anyway, now I'm just sitting a ways outside of New Knothole in a nice, grassy little garden place that I've typically never seen an equivalent of in Moebius. Mobius gets all the nice stuff. But anyway, I'm covered in mud, and leaning back on a tree and thinking how the better a person is in Mobius, the worse they are in Moebius, and how fucking unfair that is. And then I think about what a goddamn fucking awesome hero Sonic is, and I know that I will never, ever be able to be the good guy.
And real fast, before I can change my mind, I flick out my switchblade and apply it to my wrists, and start bleeding, breathing hard and sweating from the sharp pain. Because I'm so sick of living this hellish nightmare of a life. Maybe if somebody finds me here, they'll be sad, because sure as hell nobody on Moebius would be shedding any tears to find my corpse.
I look around me, trying to get comfortable as I bleed to death. There's little cute bubbly watery things squeaking around me. I hate cute, but I can't be bothered to kick them away right now. Too tired… One sniffs up to me.
"Aw, fuck off, ya little… bubble… thing…"
"Huh. For sure I ain't seen cute shit like you on Moebius. We probably ate you into extinction or something. We're kind of assholes like that…"
"Chao?" It sniffs at my bloody, slashed wrists. It doesn't look exactly happy about them. Tugs on my jacket and tries to hold my hand.
I groan and pat it on the head a bit, "Now piss off and let me die in peace…" For some reason, it looks like it's changing a little, turning a little spiky and, for some reason, a bit green.
Whatever. I'm not in the mood for petting something when I'm gonna bleed to death in a couple of hours. It won't leave me alone now that I've petted it though, so I try to tune it out. Sit back and amuse myself during my last hours thinking about what these things would be like on Moebius. Carnivorous, I guess. Maybe like vultures? It reeks of Chaos Energy. Maybe ours would be a bunch of scavenging junkies.
Typical. Once again, Mobius Prime gets all the nice stuff, and we get the shitty end of the shit-stick. I roll over to the pool, and lie face down and dip my wrists in, letting the blood flow easily.
Which is when I hear the most hated voice in the world approaching.
"Okay, ya nippy little water-balloon, what's so important that you had to- Damn, Scourge?! What're you doing here, Green Faker?" he grabs me by the back of the neck and pulls me out of the water.
"Fucking your mother, that's what," I mutter. He grabs me by my jacket and pulls me up and he's about to punch me in the face, as if I care any more, when he stops, maybe because he's noticed all the blood from where I already slashed my wrists.
"Woah, shit. Scourge, what the hell did you do to yourself?!"
"Three guesses…" I stare at the dirt for a while, him holding my jacket. I swallow, and a breath I didn't know I had, hitches up in my chest, "You… you win just because you're the good guy and I have to b-be the… the bad guy… so I have to lose…"
Sonic starts putting me back down, "Scourge, you don't have to be the bad guy. I figure there's gotta be some good in ya, if this little guy didn't want you to die."
"Chao!" it tugs on my shoe and I look down at it. It got a lot bigger real quick, and spiky, too. It looks a lot faster too. Did it run off and fetch the Blue Blunder?
"Oh, piss off, bubble-head… I'm trying to kill myself here…" I resist the urge to kick it.
"It's called a Chao, Scourge. And it's probably just as curious as me, as why you're slashing your wrists in its habitat. What the hell are you doing on Mobius again?"
"Huh…" I pull out my switchblade again, "You got everything. I got nothing…" I stare at the blade, "I worked it out, y'know. I've gotta be a bastard. Because that way you look good. When I come along everybody says 'Wow, that fuck-head makes S-Sonic look even better'! And then, I g-gotta have shitty stuff happen to me, all my life, so that you can have great stuff, rewards for bein' the good guy… Just fuck off and let me bleed, d-dammit…" And I dig the blade into my skin again. It's hard to talk. I didn't mean to start crying but I am anyway.
"Whoa! Shit, Scourge!" Sonic snatches the knife and tosses it away, "Cut that out!" Then he grabs my wrists and he's holding them tight to stop me from cutting deeper, and to stem the bleeding, "Okay, bad choice of words. Don't do that!" My blood is soaking his gloves bright red.
I start talking faster, blurting everything out, and my words start hitching, "You g-get the chicks and the trust and the great parents… Cus everybody here is g-good… And I've g-got a bunch of assholes back on Moebius who want me dead and it wouldn't matter even if you were the bad guy so's I could be the good guy cus you have f-friends and they all hate me…"
"And you get to be Sonic Prime! I'm j-just a copy… even n-now I'm just your evil tw-twin…" I grit my teeth, but I can't stop the tears running down my face, "Doesn't matter if I'm b-bad or g-good because you're still good…" I'm crying harder now; I didn't mean to but the words won't stop, "What if I don't wanna be bad or good?! Wh-what if I just wanna be me? But I c-can't be, and I… I…"
"Scourge, wait, I didn't realise-"
"I don't wanna li-live like this… I wanna d-die…" He's keeping me from bleeding any further, but he is still holding my wrists to keep me from scratching the cuts open again, not letting me pull away from him, so I'm just sagging, laying there and sweating.
I just keep going and going, ranting on and on, blaming him for my whole shitty life. And why shouldn't I? If I'm from a universe where things have to be opposite, what chance do I have at a happy life if he's got one? I tell him a whole lot of that too, and I tell him that was why I tried to change Moebius as well.
I tell him about how I've started taking pills from Doctor Kintobor just so that I can sleep at night without having nightmares. I tell him about how I've been making myself throw up in secret. I tell him about never mind about Fiona being there; I've just been feeling so fucking lonely. I tell him how I tried to overdose on Paracetamol a couple of weeks ago, and how I just want to kill myself.
And then it sinks in that at some point, he has wrapped his strong arms around me and he is holding me. He is wiping the tears off my cheeks with a thumb, and wiping some of the sweat off me. He's rocking me back and forth, holding me to his chest as I sit limp and shaking with emotion. He's muttering something in my ear, and for a while it isn't even proper words; it's just him shushing me and telling me it's going to be okay.
I could never bring myself to hold him in return. I just tell him that every time he wins I feel so totally pathetic; we're supposed to be the same guy but he comes out on top just because he's the hero. I tell him I'd try being a hero, but I don't know how. I also tell him what a cockwad he is. But he doesn't seem pissed or anything. He just keeps on holding me close and rocking me, his lips close to my ear and murmuring calmly as I rage on and on.
"I'm not your copy! I'm not your fake! I'm not your evil fucking twin! I just wanna be me… So what if I'm an asshole? You're a total dick, but it's okay for you because… because… because you're the first Sonic…" I choke on the words. I'm crying again, and he starts brushing his fingers through my bristling quills, "I'm just the bad guy… Calling myself Scourge didn't change that; it just made me more of the bad guy…"
He's shifting me almost into his lap and letting me listen to his heart beating slow and calm. He's tutting and whispering nothing at all. To be honest, I don't feel a whole lot better because right now I'm just thinking about how I'd never do the same for him.
"Why do you get to be such a fucking hero, anyway? I could be the g-good guy, if you'd quit that, but noooo, you have to keep on being the nice guy all the time…"
Finally, he speaks, more peaceful and gentle than I thought he'd be, "Scourge, it's not like that," he tells me, "Anybody can be a good guy; I know a few guys who can prove it. You do have a choice-"
"Shut UP!" I can't look up at him. I just can't stop crying; hiding my face in his shoulder, "It's easy to be a good guy when… when you've only got a single great evil to fight against… when everybody's got a single huge jerk to unite against… On Moebius, that jerk is me. I fucking hate my life… I hate my dimension… I c-can't k-keep living like th-this…"
But he keeps on holding me anyway. Trails his fingers through my green quills once again; wipes away more of my tears, "You say you're not my evil twin, Scourge. If you're not my evil twin… you don't have to be evil. How's that, huh?"
I'm not really listening. I'm just slipping further down him, crying into his smooth, peach fur, because everything's just tearing right out of me right now; all that anger and misery bursting like it's broken a dam, even as my arms still hang limp by my sides. But he keeps on talking anyway.
"It's cool how you've convinced yourself that I'm good through and through; that I'm totally perfect, but I'm not; honestly. And if I'm not perfect, you can't be perfectly evil."
There's a longer pause; I let out a hiccough of a sob again, my face pressed against him with my eyes tight shut. I haven't cried in a real long time. I sure didn't expect to be doing it today. One of his arms is around my back, the other is now stroking my heavily scarred chest, and he's somehow calming my racing heartbeat.
And he speaks again to fill the silence, "You're right about one thing though, Scourge. I can be such a dick to my friends. Still, just because I am the good guy, doesn't mean I always enjoy it. It'd kick ass, to let myself waste Eggman permanently. But you know what? Mostly I keep from being a total douchebag, even though I want to be a lot. So…" he makes me look at him, emerald green versus blue fire, "There's gotta be something good deep inside of you. You just gotta let it out."
"B-but… I d-don't know how to b-be the…"
"Yes, you can, you can..." he whispers, and starts standing, making me get up with up with him, "We can start with me taking you to Doctor Quack and getting him to patch you up."
"B-but I..." I slump and he holds me up, "I'm the bad guy..."
He keeps eye contact with me, "You haven't been Evil Sonic for a long while now, Scourge. That's why you got so sick of playing the bad guy. Because you're more than that. You always were..." he practically cradles me, like I'm a baby. Right now, I feel like one, "I'll prove it to you. Don't lose hope, Scourge. Don't ever lose hope..."
I press my face back to his chest. He keeps a tight, but careful, hold on me to keep me from running off while we walk into Knothole. I can't bear to look up at him again… but he keeps his strong arms around me just the same, one stroking my back, the other hand wiping off my tears. And he's the good guy… so everything he does… is a good thing…
On the ground I lay,
Motionless, in pain,
I can see my life flashing before my eyes,
Did I fall asleep?
Is this all a dream?
Wake me up, I'm living a nightmare,
I will not die (I will not die),
I will survive,
I will not die, I'll wait here for you,
I feel alive, when you're beside me,
I will not die, I'll wait here for you,
In my time of dying…
Breech: Yup. Used to be a one-shot. Not any more. Each chapter will be named after a song that i feel could be appropriate.