A/N: Welcome to my new oneshot series. I have a hard time writing a long story with a consistent plot, so I figured that writing a bunch of oneshots would be more up my ally. I guess it will be for you guys to agree or disagree. These will mostly be Harry Potter, but I'll throw some anime and media in.
Most of these will be crack. My humor is often violent and stupid. If you hate slapstick you'll probably hate this. I don't care. Flame me if you want, it makes me laugh.
Without further ado:
Accepting candy from strange old men.
As the beginning of the year feast was coming to a close, Harry wondered what the coming year would hold for him. Last year was the tri-wizard tournament, and Harry's friendship with Ron was strained.
He had forgiven Hermione over the summer when she convinced her parents to take him along on their summer vacation. She wasn't sure what happened to cause her to act so irrationally. Of course Harry would never enter himself into the tournament, he was never that stupid. Harry suspected potions, but at this point it was too late to find out.
Ron had sent him a card on his birthday, but seemed for forget how terribly the Dursleys' hated him and magic. By the time Harry got back they had burnt it and asked if he got a card from any of his 'freak friends' while in France.
Harry had avoided Ron on the train, not ready to face him yet.
Looking around, Harry noticed Ron starting to walk towards him. Right before he'd need to talk to him though, Dumbledore was calling him over, presumably for a talk in his office.
Harry was right, and thus able to procrastinate confronting his 'friend' for a while. As he walking into the office of whirling Gizmos Dumbledore took a seat at his desk.
"Would you like a lemon drop Harry?" Dumbledore offered like always. Harry had never accepted one before, but what the heck, he might as well try one. Maybe it'll give him a few extra seconds of avoiding confrontation.
Harry grabbed two and popped them into his mouth. Dumbledore took a surprised expression on his face.
"I don't know if it's wise to start with two. Lemon drops are pretty powerful." Dumbledore said. Harry didn't hear him though, as everything other than Dumbledore became very purple.
Dumbledore's face started melting, his expression a horrified scream. As his flesh dripped into the bottomless pit on the floor, Harry decided to make a break for it. He'd be blamed for sure!
Dumbledore watched as Harry ran from his office, amused. He remembered the first time he did LSD. Good times!
Harry ran through the cave he was trapped in as fast as he could. Various monsters looking at him with surprise as he charged past. He was terrified of them. If they caught him he'd be dead for sure.
Harry stopped and did a double-take as he saw Hitler, just standing there. Pulling his wand out Harry cast a quick Reducio curse and exploded Hitler's upper body. Fuck Hitler.
The monsters screamed in surprise and rage before attempting to give chase. It was no use however, and Harry pulled his cloak of invisibility from his pocket as he rounded a corner.
The stupid monster ran right past him, and Harry decided to find an exit to the cave.
Harry didn't know how long it took, but eventually he caught sight of Hermione. Great! She'd know what to do!
Harry quickly followed her until she entered a side-cavern filled with small running waterfalls.
She squeaked when he pulled the cloak off, but calmed down quickly.
"Harry's what's going on?" she asked, a concerned expression on her face.
"I don't know, how did I get here?" Harry asked. Hermione's expression became puzzled.
"Harry, are you okay?" Hermione asked. Concern flashed across her features. Harry quickly realize they must have switched his normal language, and this cast the translation charm on himself. He must have messed up though, because everything went black.
"What did I do last night?" Harry asked as he woke up. He was in some sort of bathroom by the looks of the walls and toilet stalls.
A light, tired sobbing to his left caused Harry to look over. His eyes bugged out as he saw Hermione, completely nude and covered in semen. Her hand were tied behind her back, and she was curled into the fetal position sobbing.
"Hermione, are you okay? What happened?" harry asked in panic. Her fearful gaze quickly turned angry.
"From what I gathered Harry" Hermione started, his name coated with such fury Harry almost ran "you met with Dumbledore, sprinted out of his office, down the halls and killed Malfoy. Then you walk in here, start talking gibberish, point your wand at yourself and scream 'Rapeus Maximus!' before raping me for over three hours! How about you tell me what the fuck happened before I get free and turn you in."
Harry's eyes were wide as he realized what happened.
"Uhh. This is going to sound stupid, but I took two of Dumbledore's Lemon Drops. I think they have something in them." Harry said. Seeing Hermione's incredulous face, Harry had a brilliant idea.
"Accio Lemon Drops!" a second later Harry heard a grinding sound before the rear wall of the bathroom exploded in a shower of rock chips and dust. 5 lemon drops floated in the air. Harry popped two of them in his mouth and three in Hermione's before untying her. (He had to hold her nose shut until she opened her mouth, but it was to prove his innocence to her.)
"Oh god, They're all dead!" Hermione screamed as they came to. They were seated in the Slytherin common room, surrounded by the corpses of every Slytherin, including Snape, and that ugly new DADA teacher.
Half of the girls were covered in semen, and about a fourth of the boys seemed to have math equations carved into their flesh that made Hermione start to feel hot and heavy.
"Why!? Why would you do more of those after the first time!?" Hermione asked Harry frantically.
"Well, you know when you get glue on your hands, so you put some more glue on to get it off?" Harry started.
"This is nothing like that you idiot!" Hermione shouted before slapping him so hard he fell over.
They both turned as the common room door swung open, revealing Professor Sprout.
"Has anyone seen my first period – Oh my god!" Professor Sprout started before Harry stunned her. He looked over to Hermione and pulled out four more lemon drops from his pockets.
"Do it again?" Harry asked.
"Fuck it, sure." Hermione responded, resigned. She grabbed two, they linked arms at the elbows and took the 'candy.'
What's the worst that could happen?
I'm sorry, I had to write this. Actually, I'm not sorry. I also didn't really need to write this. Forget all of that.
Leave a review and let me know what you think.
Until next time,