Rick and Mary

It never really was a big deal to him, the whole "settling down" thing. In fact, he had been so focused on science all his life that the thought scarcely crossed his mind. And the day he met Mary was no different. Sure, she was hot. And yeah, he attempted to get his beak wet with her, but she shut him down pretty hard.

"Seriously? I don't think so," He remembers her smug little voice.

She was completely different from him in every way. Which was why she drove him crazy. Dear God was that bitch annoying. A total femi-nazi med school graduate working on her masters.

Sure, she was smart, but she was also pretentious and spoiled. Whenever they met the two collided furiously. All she could ever talk about was school and "higher learning." Fuck that noise. Anytime he'd use his infamous, "School isn't a place for smart people," line, she'd become furiously red faced and would really rip him a new one.

Now, it would seem a simple task for two incredibly smart people to just... avoid someone who pissed them off so. That wasn't exactly the case for Rick and Mary. For some reason, they just kept finding each other.

First it was at a bar. She was sitting on a comfy chair beside a fireplace in a dimly lit corner with her red hair pulled up in a loose bun, a book in hand with a glass of wine. She was dressed pretty scantily for the times, but, not too trashy, sort of that "I am woman hear me roar, I dress how I want," kinda way. It was the 70s after all.

So when he strolled over to schmoosh the girl, he was met with a soupuss face and a raised brow.

"I'm just trying to unwind after a very stressful day of classes," she articulates, waving him off without so much as looking away from her book, "I have neither the time nor inclination to be bothered by your simple one-track mind. I wish you luck, however in finding a fuckbuddy for the evening,"

He was stunned. Bitch say WHAT?

"I-I-I'm sorry... are you implying that -I- have a suh-simple mind?" He drawled, his signature stammer muddling his words, "Luh-listen to me, Buh-huh-buh-Bitch! I'm THE RICK. I'm a mutherfuggin' genius, ya hear me?"

"Mhmm," She murmurs, still not even giving him the slightest glance.

"I build robots for fun!" He barks.

"And I am getting my PHD in open heart surgery,"

"Well la-dee-da," He slow claps for her, "So y-you g-go to school. Big wup. I-It's just a dumb pl-place for mediocre people,"

This was when she shut her book and looked up at him. He glares down at her, with equal distaste. Rick Sanchez was quite the looker in his younger days. Blonde hair, though a bit muffled, and very tall and sturdy. She wasn't impressed. In fact, she reached forward, grabbed him by his belt and dumped the contents of her wine glass down his pants. Rick jumped at the sensation and cursed at her profusely. But by the time he had recovered from the shock, she was already walking out the door.

Good riddance. Dumb broad.

He glanced down at where she had been sitting, and noticed the girl had left the book she was reading. Grabbing it, he initially was going to rig the damn thing to a rocket, but when he saw the cover "Multi Dimensional Physics and Possible Travel," he stopped in his tracks.

It wouldn't be long until they ran into eachother again. In fact, it was the very next day. While on her way to class, she stepped over his passed out body lying in the garbage outside the pub. She gave his foot a little kick to see if he responded, which he did with a groan. Satisfied that he wasn't dead, she kept on her way.

Rick lay there, head throbbing, body exhausted for several hours. In fact, he only started getting up after he heard that stupid voice again. Only this time, she was giggling and sounding much more agreeable. In fact, he almost didn't recognize it at first what with it being so pleasant. He peered out from behind the alley he was in to see her walking down the street with a much older man. She was walking beside him and gazing up at him as if he hung the moon. Gross.

"Thank you for helping me with this study, Mary," The geezer said, "Its difficult to find students that are willing to assist me with my work after school hours,"

He was her teacher? Double gross.

"Oh, I'm happy to, Dr. Mainsteed," She beamed.

That's when Rick had a great idea. He cleared his throat and dusted himself off before turning the corner to walk over to them, "Mary! MARY! Oh, THERE you are, Mary!"

Mary paused, a horrified but confused look on her face. Dr. Mainsteed seemed puzzled as well.

"I'm glad I caught you, Mary," Rick said, looking very concerned, "Can we go someplace... private to talk?"

"What? No! Get lost, creep!"

"Mary, is everything ok?" Dr. Mainsteed asked.

"Actually, n-no, it's not," Rick continued, "Mary, I ruh-really need to tell you something,"

"Well, I don't wanna hear it," She scowled, grabbing her teacher's arm and pulling him down the sidewalk towards their destination. Rick followed alongside them.

"Look, I really have to tell you, Mary... it's im-im-portant," He persisted, "And It's really something that shuh-shuh-should be said in private,"

"I already told you I don't want you bothering me," Mary told him angrily.

"It's REALLY important, Mary"

"FINE!" Mary fumed, stopping in her tracks, "What is it?"

"Don't you think we should go..."

"NO! Just tell me right here so we can be on our way,"

"but I..."

"I'm not doing this," She had had it and started walking away agin. Rick grinned devilishly and waited until they were a good 5 feet ahead of him.

"My tuh-tuh-test results c-c-came back, Mary!" Rick shouted after her, "WE HAVE HIV, MARY!"

Mary haulted, her face beat red and her body rigid. Dr. Pervert coughed awkwardly and gently stepped away from her.

"Mary, perhaps this isn't a good time," He said.

"I-I don't know what he's talking about," She exclaimed, "He's just... just some loser I met the other night,"

"I will uh... see you in class, I hope. Good day, Mary... and uh... Good luck"

Mary watched him walk away with her mouth agape. Rick strolled up beside her, his arms comfortably behind his back and a very satisfied smile on his face.

"WHY would you DO that?" she shouted at him, watching his back as he walked away.

Rick chuckled to himself, and called over his shoulder, "Seemed fun,"


The next time they met was only a few months later at a party they were both invited to. He was on a couch, surrounded by two ridiculously attractive women with IQs that added up to about half of his. They were laughing and giggling at every crude thing he said. Mostly interested in how much money a scientific genius inventor made.

"I'm not saying I'm rich. All I'm saying is there's-,"

"An economic downturn for people in the robotic field and finding a job has been harder than ever for people without a college education?" That smug voice cooed from over his shoulder.

"You don't go to college?" Bimbo #1 asked him.

"N-No, it's stupid," Rick stuck to his guns, "Buh-but you don't need it,"

"And you're unemplyed?" Bimbo #2 asked. The girls exchanged looks and got up to walk away, leaving Rick alone with the single most obnoxious person on the planet.

"The FUCK was that for?" he exclaimed, throwing his arms in the air. She just giggled to herself and took a sip from her glass as she walked away triumphantly.

"It was fun,"


"You gotta be fucking me,"

Sitting in the window seat right next to the seat he was assigned on the plane was that same annoying woman that he hadn't seen in a year. But it was really her. Red hair and all. She didn't look too happy to see him, either despite it being an entire year since their last interaction.

"Oh God," She drawled.

"HEY! Hey, stewardess!" Rick turned and grabbed one of the flight attendants, "An-Any chance I can guh-get another seat? I can't sit next tuh-to this-this-this broad,"

"I'm sorry sir, All seats have been filled," The stewardess said sweetly to him.

"You don't understand," Mary piped in, "We absolutely cannot sit together,"

"Either you sit in your assigned seats or you don't sit on this plane," The stewardess said in the sweetest voice she could and walked away just as pleasantly as she came. Rick groaned and looked down expectantly at the young woman still in her seat.

"Look, Muh-Muh-Mary, I ha-have a really important guh-gig in Jesery first thing in the morning that I can't miss. You gotta catch the n-n-next flight,"

She scoffed, "I have to assist in open heart surgery in New York. YOU can catch the next flight,"

"That's nuh-not gonna happen, Mary"

"Well, then, I guess we'll just have to make the best of it, won't we?"

Rick groaned and took his seat. He waved that stewardess back over and simply said, "If I'm gonna be on this fu-fu flight, then I'm g-gonna need some pretty strong whiskey,"

"Oooh, I'm so sorry," That sugarlaced voice said, "This is a dry airline,"

"Are you fucking me?"

"Afraid not," and she walked off.

"Son. of. a. biiiiitch," He groaned.

Suddenly, a small silver flask was infront of his chest, "Here," was all Mary said.

"Woah," was all Rick could reply. He looked at her, somewhat shocked.

"I can't stand these flights. They're the only ones my college pays for, so I've learned to think ahead," She explains, "This is the only way you and I are gonna survive this flight, so I suggest you just take it,"

He takes a hearty swig. Highland Scotch. Good stuff. He's impressed.

Mary takes a swig herself and the two begin a very quiet plane ride. Atleast, thats how it starts at first. The two handed the flask back and forth to the other in complete silence, until Rick (becoming quite buzzed) says, "you're kinda a bitch, you know that, Mary?"

"Yeah," She shrugs, being quite a bit more buzzed than him, "But I kinda hafta be,"

"That just what b-augh-itches say,"

"No," She snaps, "I really hafta! You know how hard it is for a woman to be a doctor? Much less a heart surgeon? It's... It's REALLY fuckin' hard,"

Rick says nothing, just watches as she gets more intense.

"It's such a damn boys club. The only reason why I've gotten as far as I have is cuz I work twice as hard as everyone else,"

"And y'know, you g-g-get to fuck yer professors,"

"Excuse me?"

"Th-that professor I-I-I saw you with and t-told you you gave me AIDS,"

She got red in the face again, "I NEVER!"

"Yeah, suuuuure. But you were going to, right?"

She slapped him hard across the face, "THAT was Dr. Mainstead and I was just trying to earn extra credit! Because of your CHILDISH prank, I had to go to a different college because everyone took me even LESS Seriously than they already did!"

Rick rubbed his cheek and glared at her, though, he DID feel kinda bad... but it was probably just the booze. He got very quiet and in a softer voice asked, "If the cards are stacked so high against ya, w-w-why don'tcha just quit while you're ah-ahuh-ahead? I mean... who cares if you're an open heart surgeon or what-whatever? You can do whatever you want,"

"It's what I want to be, though," She says, "It's all I've ever wanted to be. My dad was one, my grandfather was one... and they all tell me I couldn't,"

"So you wanna be a doctor just to get back at your dad? Fuck. Most girls just strip,"

"You're a total ass, you know that?"

"Yeah, and need I remind you- you're kinda bitch!"

What happened next cannot be described scientifically or logically. She rammed her face into his in a very messy, drunk kiss which he returned readily. They ignored the always perky stewardess when she returned to ask them to stop. The makeout session ended when the plane landed ten minutes later and Mary breathlessly said, "I'm booked in a hotel a mile from here,"

And that was that. The two drunken idiots poured themselves into a cab and made very bad decisions the rest of the night.

Mary woke up at 5 AM in time to get ready for her surgery, only to find that Rick had vanished. She cursed and started to scold herself for such misbehavior. She noticed, suddenly, on the nightstand was a very familiar book that she had long forgotten of.

"Multi Dimensional Physics and Possible Travel,"

How on Earth did it get there? She had lost it a long time ago. She opened the book, only to find that the first page had scribbled his phone number, along with a message:


Had to leave in a rush. Thanks for a good lay. Hit me up sometime and we'll have at it again. You know, when you need your pipes cleaned. What what!

-Rick Sanchez

"Asshole," Mary said, tossing the book asside.

But she did remember his number.