By the time we get back to Dauntless, it is late. There are still members walking around the compound, but it is well past the time that initiates should be in bed. From what I've seen the past few nights, members don't go to bed until late unless they have security jobs. Switching out shifts at the gate require leaving early in the morning to make it on time. Given that I'm now a member and not just an initiate, I will not get in trouble for leaving the compound. Unless of course, anyone were to find out where Tobias and I had been for the past few hours. The factions don't really think of visiting family as acceptable. It is faction before blood, after all. And if you cross that line, there is never any going back. At least that was the way that Jeanine saw things. If you go against your faction, then you must not know who you are. And if you don't know who you are, you must be dangerous. I pray that no one finds out, because the last thing that I need is Jeanine or Eric finding it out and using it against me. After we get off of the platform the net is on, we head down the stairs toward the heart of the building. I am about to turn down the hall that leads to Tobias' room, but his hand pulls me in the opposite direction. I don't ask questions, even if I am curious. I know that Tobias wouldn't lead me somewhere dangerous.
We make our way toward the Pit, through empty hallways and countless stairs, heading toward the Chasm and I know where we're going. I get butterflies in my stomach the closer we get and he lets go of my hand to go down the rocks. I follow his moves, and then in a few moments I am sitting next to him on the rocks. I'm glad that I am wearing my jacket because with the water rushing past us, it creates a bit of a breeze. His hand finds mine again and I rest my head on his shoulder.
"What do you think is happening?" he asks me. His voice is low and over the rushing water, I barely hear him. But I feel the vibration of his voice through his chest.
I shrug my shoulders at his question. Because I honestly don't know. And I don't even know where to begin. I assume that Tori has been working on everything, and I haven't spoken to her since she told me that Jeanine was back. "Something big," I say. "If we're all coming back to life..." I close my eyes and breathe in, taking in his scent. He shifts and presses his lips to my head and I smile. "What about you?"
He chuckles and squeezes my hand. "Whatever it is, I'm glad for it." He doesn't need to explain. I don't think there are words to explain how he felt when he lost me. Because if the positions were switched I wouldn't be able to explain it. I would have wanted to serum, too. "Even if this is all a dream...a figment of my imagination, it doesn't matter. I have you."
"You'll always have me," I whisper. I wish that were true. I wish that I could promise that and be with him forever. But no one can promise forever. Plans change, they go wrong. And when things go wrong, people die. I'm proof of that. But whatever this is...sure, people die. But they also come back. If I am just a figment of Tobias' imagination, I don't mind it. It just means that I have this time with him. I have these moments, where it's just him and me. I look up at him and he's got that half smile on his lips. I move with him and as our lips collide, I feel whole. Every time that he touches me, it's like my body is on fire. We break after a few moments and my thoughts are rushing around in my head. They are moving so fast that I can't stop myself from asking him. "So..."
"So..." he says resting his head against mine.
"From before..." I say. "When you didn't remember me? You kept looking at me. And I was wondering...why."
"You mean because you're not pretty?" He smiles as I roll my eyes. He would remember part of our first conversation here. Even after all of this time, it still surprises me that he knows all of these things that I hadn't realized he'd been paying attention to. "I felt something when you showed up in the Pit that first day. I remember being annoyed that you were late because I didn't know why you were late. And then I saw you and something sparked inside of me. I hadn't felt it before so it was both confusing and scary to me." I bite my lip to keep my smile from getting too big. "When you called me Tobias, I was angry...thinking that someone had slipped up and told you who I was. Keep in mind, the way that you and I had gotten to know each other last year, it never happened."
"But you did throw knives at me," I say.
"That happened for the same reason," he says. "I cut you because I knew Eric wasn't going to let you go unless you were hurt in some way."
"Was I the same way? Still outspoken?"
"I don't think you'd ever not be outspoken," Tobias says. "And because of that, Eric had taken an interest in you."
"What happened to him?" I ask. "In your memory?"
He shakes his head. "Nothing. Before I got my memory back, I just figured he was off doing whatever the hell it is that Eric does."
"What about when you had found out that I knew about Marcus?"
He swallows. "I was so angry. There could be no possible way that you would have known about it. I had worked so hard to get to where I was. Strong, brave, smart, Four. I had buried my past so deep down that to me, the thought of sharing who I really was with anyone was completely incomprehensible. But that spark was still burning and even when I was angry with you for knowing about me, the thought of you with Peter...it infuriated me. And I knew that I shouldn't have had those feelings because I was with Christina at the time, but they were there. When I found you and him in the Pit and he had you, with a knife to your neck, threatening you," he pauses and I can feel him shaking so I squeeze his hand to try and clam him. It took everything in me not to kill him. And then before...when Peter kissed you...I wanted to choke him. It was..."
"Bad," I say, shaking my head. "So bad."
He laughs and the sound echoes off of the rocks. I nudge him. "Don't laugh at me," I say. "I'm the one who has to live with that!"
"Okay, okay," he says, his body still shaking with laughter. "I'm sorry." I roll my eyes and slap his leg before leaning back against him. "And then everything changed and I was just...completely overwhelmed about how I feel about you."
I feel heat spreading to my cheeks. I know how he feels about me, even though it's never made sense to me. But it's still nice to hear. "What triggered it?" I ask. "Your memories?"
He lifts a hand to gesture to the rushing water surrounding us. "This place," he says. "I remembered when we were here. Right after you found out the truth about me. About Marcus. I was completely vulnerable but you...you still looked at me the same way."
"What way is that?" I ask.
He smiles at me. "It's the way you're looking at me right now," Tobias says. I reach up to touch his cheek and kiss him again. "Last night, I barely got any sleep because I kept waking up to make sure that I wasn't dreaming." He shakes his head.
"Are you dreaming?" I ask.
He looks down at me and smiles at me. "I've never felt more awake."