Alright, it's been forever since I've written a one-shot.
Think of this as a gift to Kasumychan, seeing as I kind of wrote it because she semi-requested it. Don't take this fic too seriously; it's mostly just for laughs anyway.
Disclaimer: Teen Titans is the property of blah de blah de blah de crap not mine.
"That idiot! How could he have the gall to even suggest that!?"
"Yes, we've been going out for close to half a year, but so what!?"
"You don't just walk up to your girlfriend and say that!"
Starfire nodded sagely, one hand outstretched towards the distressed empath's arm. Before she could make contact, Raven whirled around, clamping both hands down upon the surprised alien's shoulders.
"STARFIRE! You've been going out with Robin for at least a few years, right?" Seeing the princess nod, Raven leaned forward, ignoring the sound of yet another pillow being reduced to smoking cinders behind her. "What should I do!?"
Starfire leaned away cautiously as Raven released her death grip, awkwardly staring towards the destroyed doorway. Try as she might, there was absolutely nothing coming to her mind which would have been even remotely helpful for the dark girl aside her.
Mostly because Raven had blown up the door, shaken her awake, and then proceeded to yell at her whilst simultaneously destroying half her room with her rampant emotions, all without actually telling her what the issue was.
"I mean, who does he think he is?" Raven demanded, a stray wisp of magical power effectively blowing a gaping hole in the bedroom wall. "Asking me if we can sleep together, with a straight face no less!"
"Wait." Starfire interjected, calmly reaching up in order to catch one of her many stuffed animals, which had been tearing viciously through the air, covered in black energy. "You mean to tell me that friend Beast Boy has requested the intercourse from you, and that is why you are upset?"
"Well, it's not like I don't want it to happen." Raven admitted, turning away in order to hide her reddening face. "I just don't know what to-"
"Oh, this is most wonderful!" Starfire declared, almost knocking Raven off of her bed as she threw her arms wide. "I am to be an auntie soon!"
"Starfire!" Raven yelped, anger giving way to mortification as she glanced towards the craterous doorway.
"Oh, what shall their names be? What of their gender? When shall the little bumgorfs be arriving?" Starfire babbled, not seeming to notice as Raven sighed, before levitating away from Starfire's bed, making her way through the desecrated doorway.
"Why did I think that would be a good idea?"
Raven allowed herself to sink further into the couch cushions, her cloaked wrapped around her like a security blanket. Though it wasn't necessarily cold, a shiver still coursed down her spine unbidden, her powers threatening to unleash themselves against the defenseless room.
After having laid waste to Starfire's room, she felt slightly drained. Even so, her emotions were restless, both Beast Boy's words and Starfire's impromptu speech weighing heavily on her mind.
She needed to relax, just enough to either get some sleep or give the night's events some serious thought.
Maybe some tea was in order?
Moaning quietly to herself, Raven struggled to her feet, stumbling blindly through the dark towards what she hoped was her kettle. Reaching towards where her memory told her the light switch was, she blindly pawed at the wall, fingers searching for any evidence of the small, plastic contraption.
Locating it at last, Raven closed her eyes, protecting her retinas from being incinerated as light flooded the kitchen. Peeking through her eye lashes, she set to work, filling the kettle with water whilst searching through the cupboards for her tea.
Locating the shredded leaves, Raven carelessly threw a teabag into a cup that had been levitated out of one of the cupboards, boiling water being added not a second later.
Staring down into her cup, Raven's mouth twisted into a frown, the murky reflection in her tea copying her actions.
She could drink as much tea and think things through as much as she wanted, but that still wouldn't help her. She had no experience in this matter.
What she desperately needed was some advice.
Raven groaned, taking a sip of her still scalding tea. If it were any other subject, she would have no problem going to either Starfire or Cyborg for some pointers.
But on sex?
Stealing a glance towards the clock on the wall, Raven mentally checked over her options. She didn't really have any friends outside of the Titans, and she didn't feel close enough to any of the honorary Titans, not when it came to this matter.
Beast Boy and (now) Starfire were out of the picture, for obvious reasons, not to mention Cyborg would most likely attempt to wring Beast Boy's neck should he get wind of this particular scrap of gossip.
Feeling the distinct urge to slam her head against the counter, Raven turned towards the window, Jump City's late night lights easily discernible across the bay.
She needed someone with experience, someone who was smart and down to Earth. They'd have to be responsible, not to mention be able to keep a secret. Oh, and she'd also have to feel extremely close to them, almost like one would a sibling.
Great, she's just basically described her own reflection.
"Hey, Raven." A voice suddenly came from behind her, causing her to almost drop her tea. "What are you doing up so late?"
Raven silently cursed her wobbling hands, forcing the shock from her features as she turned to face her leader.
"Robin." She said curtly, nodding towards the Boy Wonder. "I could ask you the same thing."
"Late night training session." Robin shrugged, turning his back to the girl as he opened the fridge door. "You?"
"Lots of things on my mind." Raven replied, turning away as Robin bent shamelessly over, his backside quite high in the air as he rummaged through the blue mould that only Starfire would ever call food.
"Oh yeah? Such as?"
Raven scoffed, her eyes glued to the soft illumination of the city across the water. There was no way she was about to clue in the Boy Blunder on her troubles.
Raven paused for a moment, her brain sparking off one idea after another. Robin was basically a brother to her, maybe not as close as Cyborg, but just as protecting. He was smart; he wouldn't purposefully lead her the wrong way, and if the noises coming from his bedroom late at night were any indication to go by, he was definitely experienced.
"Can I ask you something?"
The words had left her mouth before she could stop them, her own conscious inaction throwing her into the deep end.
"Mm?" Robin hummed, not bothering to look up from the fridge as he ventured further within its depths.
'He can help you, he can help you.'
"Beast Boy...and I…want to have…want to take our relationship to the next level. I'm not sure how to do that."
"Next level? That does sound serious." Robin commented idly, his head still buried within the cool confines of the food prison. "What are you talking about, exactly?"
"Well," Raven was mumbling at this point, red staining her cheeks as the words (and pictures) formed within her mind. "I want it to be passionate…and I guess spontaneous would be nice too…"
"What, like dinner?" Robin inquired, his ransacking pausing as he began swatting away some blue mould with his free hand.
Raven sighed silently, her eyes lowering down to the teacup in her hands. Of course, she had forgotten who she was dealing with here.
'Rest in peace, tact.'
"Sex, Robin." Raven said far too loudly, her eyes completely focused on the cup below her bust. "Beast Boy wants to have sex, and I want some advice on what I should do."
Robin jerked backwards as if struck, his head connecting solidly with one of the shelves in the fridge. Ignoring the pain that had exploded within his skull, Robin stared wide-eyed at the girl in front of him, his blush threatening to consume his entire face.
"Wha…" He attempted, his voice spluttering out into a raspy whine. His eyes gargantuan behind his mask, his mouth remained hanging open, giving off a very convincing impression of a fish.
"Robin?" Raven ventured, snapping the Boy Wonder out of his trance.
"Why are you asking me!?" Robin shrieked, his hands flying up past his hair, which had been coated in thick, blue slime.
"Because you're my best option right now." Raven replied calmly, not the least bit surprised by his actions. Even though he was the most mysterious person she'd ever known, apart from herself, a few of his aspects were incredibly easy to read. "Is it true that every guy likes it when you-"
Robin hastily reached into the fridge, pulling two carrots from the crisper faster than what seemed humanly possible. Ignoring Raven's wide eyes, Robin briefly wiped both carrots on the leg of his uniform, before plunging them into his ears, yelling at the top of his lungs the entire time.
"LALALALALALA!" Robin screamed, both index fingers placed on the ends of the carrots, in order to signify his recent loss of hearing. "I can't hear you!"
Raven could almost feel a large drop of sweat begin its descent down the back of her head as she viewed her leader's reaction.
She'd expected something over the top, but this was ridiculous.
"Stop acting childish." She demanded sternly, eyes still wide as Robin shook his head stubbornly, leveling her wide a piercing gaze.
"Stop asking for advice on sex!" Robin commanded, sounding more like a little child than a fearless crime fighter. "Go talk to Cyborg if you want to know about that stuff!"
"I didn't think that would be a good idea!" Raven stated, images of Beast Boy being mercilessly beaten by the half robotic man for 'daring to take his little sister's purity' playing through her mind. "What's the big deal? You and Starfire are already sleeping together, so why won't you help me?"
Robin's face paled, his skin becoming a lighter shade than even his mask. Letting out his breath in a combination of sharp gasps and chuckles, his eyes rolled to the back his head, his legs crumpling beneath him. His head connected with the ground with a dull 'thunk', his body twitching erratically.
Raven watched as Robin collapsed to the floor, taking a calm sip from her cup as his limbs began spasming randomly.
She should have known this would happen if she mentioned Starfire.
Sighing, Raven stepped over Robin convulsing form, placing her empty cup on the bench as she did so. Shutting off the light, Raven threw one last glance over her shoulder at her leader, idly noting the foam that had begun to appear around his lips.
Stepping out into the hallway, the doors closed with a hiss behind her, leaving the girl alone with her thoughts.
So far tonight, she'd managed to break Starfire's room, not to mention possibly damaged Robin beyond repair. On top of that, she'd never really gotten her advice.
Raven sighed once again, levitating from the ground as she made her way towards the room that she shared with her boyfriend. There was no point being upset over her lack of success.
After all, there was always tomorrow night.
And done. It's just a short one-shot, nothing really special about it.
If you notice any mistakes, feel free to let me know. I would appreciate it, seeing as I'm not actually entirely sober right now.
It's a lot more fun this way. Anywho, I'm off!