The moon is not Ponyville. Care to explain this?
Tia, do you really need me to explain to you why the moon is not Ponyville? I'd think that would go without saying. You should consult with Twilight if you really want to know.
The explanation that I will require if you expect that you will not be punished for this is steadily growing more complex and difficult to produce. Return to Equestria at once. This is an order.
You used the O word. Such language!
-you know who I am
Thou foul misbegotten miscreant,
Dost thou believe for one moment that We cannot perceive thy doings up there? Thou art desecrating Our moon with thy hideous chaos, and it is visible from Equestria, to the naked eye. Cease and desist forthwith, and remove thy presence from Our moon, or it shall end with thee weeping bitter tears that thou ever didst leave the safety of stone.
-Luna, Diarch of Equestria, Princess of Dreams, Lady of the Night
Luna, Luna, Luna, using so many titles only makes you look insecure, didn't you know that?
-Discord, Lord of Chaos, Grand High Poobah of Nonsense, Spirit of Disharmony, Beezix of Fun, Former Watchbagel of Equestria
-see I have even more titles than you, or wait, how do we do that again, ah yes: Seest thou, verily We have more titles than thou dost, therefore nyaah nyaah nyaah-eth
PS: I forgot Muppet Master of Mayhem with Cheese!
BASE SNAKE-TONGUED SON OF A DISEASED DRAGON WHORE-DAM, REMOVE THY FOUL PRESENCE FROM OUR MOON IMMEDIATE BEFORE WE REND THY SPINDLY MALODOROUS BODY LIMB FROM MISMATCHED LIMB!
-LUNA, DIARCH OF EQUESTRIA
That's rude, Luna. I smell like popcorn and peppermint. It's not my fault you're a weirdo who doesn't like popcorn and peppermint. And don't you think 'yo mama' cracks are beneath your dignity?
And what's wrong with a snake tongue anyway? Your sister never had any complaints.
-Discord, Smexy Chaos Beast, Best Dance Moves In Equestria 600 years running
I'm honestly not sure how much longer I can persuade Luna to restrain her temper. I don't think I need to remind you of what happened the last time she was consumed with mindless rage. Is your need for knee-jerk defiance so great you would endanger her sanity, and all Equestria? I very much doubt Fluttershy would approve.
Return home at once.
You say that like I have a home, Celestia.
Look, if it's upsetting Luna that much, I'll move to the other side where ponies can't see. But don't you understand, it's better this way. You demanded that I stay in Ponyville so I could feel shame every time I run into some pony who hates me for what I've done, but did you ever stop to think about what you were doing to your ponies? Why would you want to inflict the presence of a creature they hate and fear on them, while they're trying to recover from what I helped Tirek do to them? Are you seriously telling me you're prioritizing my moral development over the well-being of your little ponies? For shame, Celestia, you should be looking out for them first.
I removed myself from Ponyville so that no pony would have to endure my chaos. I tried living without it first, but that didn't work. Reformed or not, I don't have that much self control and I never will. You wouldn't have any better luck ordering Rarity not to make dresses or Rainbow not to fly or Applejack not to brutalize perfectly nice trees who never did anything to her to make them give up their babies to her.
For what it's worth I'm sorry I couldn't stick to the probation you gave me, but I'm not doing this to be defiant, as you seem to think. I'm not even doing it to annoy Luna, though I admit she's hilarious when she's angry. I'm here on the moon so that ponies don't have to deal with me or worry about what I might do to them, and I don't have to worry about slipping up and doing something else to upset them.
I'll come back once everypony I betrayed who isn't an alicorn or a dragon is dead, how's that?
THOU PIG-SWIVING DUNG BEETLE, WE ARE NOT DECEIVED! THY BILIOUS CHAOS RESOUNDS THROUGHOUT THE THAUMIC FIELD OF OUR MOON REGARDLESS OF WHETHER THOU UNLEASHETH THY VILE AND THUGGISH SORCERY UPON THE VISIBLE FACE OR THE SHADOWED SIDE. WE KNOW THOU ART STILL THERE. REMOVE THYSELF NOW OR SUFFER CONSEQUENCE UNENDURABLE!
-LUNA, PRINCESS OF THE MOON
Consequence unendurable? Oh, the horror! You're going to make me watch foals performing skits from Improving Tales For Youth, aren't you? No! Anything but that!
Or, you know, you'll continue sending me hilariously foul-mouthed diatribes from Equestria, because you can't get to the Moon without the Elements sending you here. So how exactly are you going to cause me any consequences, outside of maybe cracking my ribs from laughing at you too hard?
BTW, I found your crater full of rude words about your sister. I hope you don't mind that I added "CELESTIA IS A POOPY HEAD" and "CELESTIA FARTS RAINBOWS THAT SMELL LIKE WET SOCKS" to the list.
-Discord, who's howling, on your moon, at you
It was not your decision to make. I am the ruler of Equestria, not you; I assigned your punishment, and I told you it was your last chance. You had no right to take it on yourself to assign yourself a different one.
And no, staying up there until every mortal you betrayed is dead is not acceptable. Are you even for a moment considering anyone else's feelings? Do you truly intend to stay up there until Fluttershy is dead? Have you considered the possibility that she misses you? What of Twilight? What of Pinkie?
As for your last missive to Luna… you are aware that two alicorns can create and hold open a spatial wormhole, aren't you? It's not a spell I was confident that Cadance could support me in, but either Luna or Twilight could support me, and allow the other one to go through. Shall I send an alicorn after you, Discord? Luna, who draws her power from the body you are currently defacing with… whatever that orange and green substance is? Or Twilight, who called you a friend and freed you from Tirek, saving your life? Are you so very eager to face one of them in battle?
This is nonsense. Your assertion that you're doing this to benefit ponies is a transparent lie and I don't know why you think I'd believe you. Come home. Now.
Princess Celestia says you're on the moon, and she and Princess Luna have both sent you letters asking you to come back, and you won't.
Mind explaining why not? You told me you agreed to Princess Celestia's terms for your probation. Why are you violating them now?
I want to believe you have a good reason for this. I want to believe this isn't one of those stupid whims of yours like "I know, I'll pretend I'm sick by infecting myself with a real disease and then exposing myself to a creature who suppresses magic that my own chaos made large enough to harm me, so that I actually do get sick; that'll work great!" Or, you know, "I'll sell out my real friend for a guy I just met who I happen to know is totally evil, because I really, truly believe that totally evil guys who say that friendship is a weakness are absolutely willing to be my best buddy and not planning on stabbing me in the back at all after they're done using me! Sounds like a plan! Why, it's not like I have experience with backstabbing and betrayal, I'm only the Spirit of Disharmony, after all, how would you expect me to know anything about that?"
Please tell me that for once you have a rational reason for what you're doing and you're not breaking Fluttershy's heart and throwing away your reformation and your future out of some stupid plan that a five year old foal would see the holes in.
Also… come home. I can protect you from Princess Celestia, maybe, if you have a good excuse for what you're doing, but not if you won't come back.
-Princess Twilight Sparkle
Ooh, a letter from Princess Twilight Sparkle! I'm getting all tingly inside!
Tell me, isn't it supposed to be part of 'being good' and 'reformation' and 'friendship' to not enjoy gratuitously causing the suffering of the ponies around me?
Yes, I have a good reason for this and it is called 'trying not to hurt anypony'. They hate chaos. They hate me. And under Celestia's rules I have to live with them and if I cause any chaos it can only be where they'd have to see it. My continuing presence upsets every pony in Ponyville except you six and probably some of you six too. And I can react to that with delight, because I really got to them and woo, I still got it, but I'm reliably informed by a certain purple princess that taking pleasure in the suffering you cause others is evil and I am trying not to be evil. So instead it makes me miserable. And if I'm being made miserable by me making them miserable then isn't the friendly thing to do, the correct thing to do, the thing the very emotion of guilt was invented to make me do, to stop doing that thing?
Sorry, can't stop existing. Suicide out of remorse is just so clichéd and jejune. If I was going to end my existence it would be for a good reason, like that ponies no longer make or want to eat jellybeans. Now that would be worth killing myself for. But short of ceasing to exist, the only way I can cause my presence to stop distressing the ponies of Ponyville is to remove my presence. If Princess C is going to get herself in a tizzy over it because she told me not to do that, well, tough. What part of "Spirit of Chaos" sounds like "Spirit of blindly following orders he knows are wrong and are hurting ponies?"
She can get over it or she can send Luna up here to assassinate me. Apparently she needs your help with that, though. So I guess it's up to you. Is trying to spare ponies the trauma of remembering my actions every time they see my face worth turning me to stone for? Please let me know, if the verdict is for statueification then I have to pick out the perfect outfit to spend the rest of eternity being gawked at in.
-Discord, who would rather not be a statue, but apparently my input on the matter isn't important
It was so my call to make. You are the ruler of Equestria; I am the Lord of Chaos, which is everywhere in the universe and much bigger than Equestria, therefore I outrank you. Nyaah. I don't take orders because they're orders, I take orders if I agree with them, and I don't agree with you anymore. I tried it your way. It didn't work.
And I'm sorry if Fluttershy misses me, but she's a big idiot who ought to have seen it coming. You don't make friends with the Spirit of Chaos. Really it was cruel of you to make her think she could, particularly after your experiences. Didn't our past teach you better? Or does misery love company? Looking for a mare friend you can dish dirt on how awful I am once I break her heart and ruin her life?
I care about her very much. So I'm not going to do to her what I did to you. I mean, okay, actually yes I already did it, but then I felt bad about it so I'm not going to do it again. She'll get over me. She's got plenty of friends.
If it makes you feel any better about me dodging out on the punishment you deemed for me… I'm miserable up here. Happy now?
-Lord of Chaos, not Celestia's Pet Puppydog
I just found out that you're on the moon? I should have guessed it from the moon turning orange and green, but you know I don't go outside at night very much and so I only saw it once, and I thought it was a trick of the light.
I tried sending you letters before, when you disappeared and no one knew where you were, but of course you didn't answer them because they were probably going to where you used to live. Twilight has given me a spell candle to send messages to where you are now.
Please come home. I really miss you. And so does Pinkie, and even Rarity and Applejack are worried about you. (I think Rainbow might be too, but she'll never admit it.) You're upsetting the princesses, and Twilight, and apparently you think it would be better for me if you stayed away? At least that's what I heard from Twilight, who heard it from Princess Celestia, so who knows if something got confused, but if that's true… stop it. It is not better for me to be worried sick about you. It is not better for me to miss you and wonder when I'll see you again.
I know why you did what you did. I won't lie to you; it hurt me. Very much. But I understand why you did it. I thought you wanted to make amends. And now you're talking about staying away from Equestria until I'm dead? That doesn't sound like wanting to make amends to me.
You're hurting me, Discord. If you're really sorry for what you did, then please come home. We can work this out, as friends.
-Your friend, Fluttershy
Celestia, siccing Fluttershy on me is dirty pool. Well played. Hats are off.
Incidentally, what ever happened to Luna and her nastygrams? They were the funniest thing I have to look forward to here. Please tell her to insult me some more.
My dear Fluttershy.
I'm sorry. I can't come back to Equestria.
Aside from all the other reasons, it's gone too far and I'm well aware that the moment I set foot on Equestrian soil I'll be outfitted for a stone tux again because Celestia and Luna are seriously mad at me. It's lonely up here but at least I can still use my powers, and communicate through letters, at least. And see. And eat. Eating is a lot of fun, I don't like not eating for a thousand years. Not that I was hungry, but I missed eating.
I am very, very sorry for hurting you. Both before, and now. If there was another way… but unless you want to come live with me up here, I don't see any way for us to spend time together. Not without putting you in the position of choosing between obeying your ruler and being kind to me, and we all know which one you'll pick.
I miss you dearly, Fluttershy. But I don't think I will ever be able to see you again. I'm so sorry.
-Your friend, Discord
It has been pointed out to Us that Our earlier tirades of justifiable rage at you, while deserved, are bread and butter to the spirit of Disharmony. We shall not "feed the troll" any longer.
Hpwever, your depravity in calling the only pony who would befriend you an "idiot" for doing so is beyond the pale. We look forward with pleasure to making you weep. And it may happen sooner than you think.
-Luna, Diarch of Equestria
I'm so sad, Loonie! Don't I get to be a thou anymore? After all we've meant to each other? I thought we were BEF – Best Enemies Forever!
Also, you should have that blood pressure looked at. I'm quite certain that even for alicorns, it is not healthy for a blue pony to turn purple.
-Discord, still your best enemy
Twilight has spoken to me on your behalf. She believes you are sincere when you claim to have removed yourself from Ponyville, and the Earth, out of guilt and shame.
That may be as it may be, and I am possibly prepared to forgive your trespass against my directive, if you can convince me that you are sincere. But the longer you remain on the moon, the less likely that becomes.
Come home and explain yourself to me, if you want to be forgiven.
And no, it does not make me happy that your self-inflicted punishment is making you miserable. That was never my intent.
Celestia, in case I hadn't made it perfectly obvious by now, I don't want to be forgiven. I don't know why you think I do.
Not coming home. It's not even home anyway.
I've talked to Princess Celestia about what you said in your last letter to me. She's willing to hear you out, but you need to come to Canterlot and talk to her in person. Please.
-Princess Twilight Sparkle
Sparkle Twilight Princess,
Please. I'm not that stupid. I know perfectly well that coming back to Canterlot means I get to taste the rainbow again. Honestly, I didn't like it the first two times.
Maybe you sincerely believe Celestia, but I kind of doubt it, given that she'll need your cooperation.
And explaining myself to Celestia won't solve any of the problems that I went to the Moon to stop causing. So what would be the point, I ask?
I don't even know why you're all so eager to have me come back. I do make a gorgeous lawn decoration if I say so myself, but I'm sure some artist in Equestria must be talented enough to make Celestia a replacement statue that's almost as handsome.
I'm not causing any trouble. And I'm not in stone. And this is the first time those two phrases can be juxtaposed in my life. Can't you just leave me alone? Let me wallow in my misery.
Do you seriously call this not causing trouble? Fluttershy's miserable, Luna's enraged, Princess Celestia is upset, and actually all of us are upset because you're hurting yourself and us and there's no reason for it. You didn't have to run away, or disobey the Princess. You could have talked to us. We're your friends.
If you really think you're not causing trouble, you have another think coming.
And no one's going to turn you into stone. I'm a little bit offended, actually. Did you think I told Tirek to let you go because I wanted to turn you into a lawn ornament myself? I don't even know if the Rainbow Power can do that, or if it would if it could, given that you helped us unlock it. I really feel as if possibly turning the Rainbow Power on any of the six friends who gave us keys might be the equivalent of Princess Celestia turning the Elements on Princess Luna… it might break it.
Besides, even if I wanted to, and even if Pinkie would agree to it, which she wouldn't, and even if Rarity and Applejack wanted to do it, which they don't, Fluttershy wouldn't. I admit that Rainbow stomps around a lot talking big about punching you in the nose, and she might be willing to do it, but one out of six isn't going to do anything. Besides, she's mostly mad that you're hurting Fluttershy.
Don't get me wrong, if you came back home cackling and spreading wanton chaos we might change our minds, but all you did was go to the moon when you were under town arrest. That's not a thing you even deserve to be turned to stone for. I'm not sure what Princess Celestia had planned if you violated parole, but she hasn't talked to me about using the Rainbow Power for anything.
Please come back. For Fluttershy's sake, even if you don't care about anypony else.
-Princess Twilight Sparkle
I've tried to write this letter six times now. I keep crying or seeing red with rage. How dare you. How dare you say I would betray you if Princess Celestia asked me to! How dare you even think that!
What have I ever done to you to make you think such a thing? I'm not the one who betrayed you, mister, it was the other way around, remember?
I am so mad at you right now. And part of the reason I am mad at you is that you are torturing one of my best friends. Discord, stop hurting Discord just because you feel like he deserves it, because he doesn't.
We can work things out. Derpy forgave you. And apparently you personally tormented her, above and beyond just letting Tirek take her magic, and she still forgave you. I am not the only kind pony in Equestria. But nopony will forgive you if you don't reach out. You apologized to me and you apologized to Derpy but did you apologize to anypony else? Even Stellar, all you said to him was that you understood why he couldn't sell the lamps and then you made them into Rainbow Power figurines of us (I'm still a little bit mad that you didn't ask for my permission, but I know you were trying to do a nice thing for Stellar and I guess I can take being a figurine since he promised to give my cut of the royalties to the Equestrian Society for Animal Care to fund more shelters). I know you meant that for an apology, but you never said the words to him.
You don't need to hide yourself away from all ponykind. Please come home. Please. I'm begging you, Discord, I can't stand the thought of you being all alone up there. I would come up to see you if it weren't for my animals and if I knew I had some way of getting back home, but I can't leave the animals. At least come see me. You can go back to the moon after we talk if you feel like you have to, but please, I just want to see you.
-Your friend, Fluttershy
DISCORD STOP BEING A POOPYHEAD AND COME HOME! EVERYPONY MISSES YOU! FLUTTERSHY MISSES YOU! I MISS YOU! TWILIGHT MISSES YOU! THE CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS MISS YOU! THE TWINS MISS YOU! DID I MENTION I MISS YOU? BECAUSE I DO! DON'T MAKE ME COME TO THE MOON AND GET YOU, MISTER!
-PINKIE PIE PIE PINKIE PIE PIE PINKIE
Pinkie, I halfway believe you could, but don't. The ways you'd use to get to the moon are not reliable or safe. I wouldn't use them myself.
How goes being the Minister of Parties? I imagine you're very busy.
-Discord the poopyhead
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply that you would choose Celestia over me. Well, I suppose I did mean it, but I didn't mean it as a slur against you. It's just that I find it very, very hard to believe any pony would ever defy pony laws for my sake. Though if there were any pony who would be willing to do it, I do believe it would be you.
Twilight clarified for me that she doesn't think Rainbow Power would work against me without breaking, because I'm one of the key-providers. So I do understand that neither she nor you would actually involve yourselves in turning me to stone. That just means Celestia probably has something worse planned that she can pull off with just herself and Luna. They weren't a match for me in the old days until they found the Elements, but Celestia's had more than a thousand years to come up with all sorts of backup plans. And given that she did absolutely nothing, the day she asked you to reform me, to prevent me from sending Rarity to Zebrica or some such to prevent the Elements from working, I must assume that she does in fact have backup plans prepared for me that don't involve you.
I can't take the risk. I'm sorry, but I'll have to stay here.
-Your friend, Discord