WARNING: This chapter is extremely confusing and will mess up your head!
You guys, I GOT 1000 REVIEWS! WHOO! YAY! Okay, so to say thank you and to do a special little thing, I wrote a chapter where almost all the Harrys come together. It's not stated explicitly who they are, but can you guys guess?
Also, I WILL BE BACK FOR A NEXT CHAPTER! AND TO GIVE YOU GUYS A PREVIEW FOR BEING SUCH BEAUTIFUL READERS I SHALL TELL YOU IT WILL BE!
Drum roll please...
Crazy Cat Lady Harry!
Everyone's here and Voldemort just can't take it.
Voldemort's eyes grew cloudy as he listened to Harry rant on and on and on…
"Apparently Cedric's death will affect me more than my parents' does… due to some rubbish about 'acceptance'. It's ridiculous, I mean I'm still having nightmares about Cedric's death when I see the Thestrals, not my parents'. And it can't be something about children never truly understanding their mother's deaths, because Luna can see them and it was her mother who died-"
Voldemort shook himself awake. "Wait a moment- how do you know this? The spare was only just killed. What has the Trelawney hag said now?"
Harry wore a wide-eyed expression of vagueness. "Goodness, the SollIsprites really have eaten your toes. The professor of seeing wasn't the seer who Saw it at all. Personally, I suspect the Nargles, but the Moonfrogs have assured me-"
Voldemort grew even more angry and slipped into hisses. "Which ssseer wasss it?" Then he froze. He looked at Harry. And then at Harry. And then back to Harry. "What on-"
"Goodness, you are going to die a grisly death." Harry's eyes were even wider and his skin pale, holding himself with a grace almost like floating. "Can I, just-?" He gestured towards Nagini. Harry didn't wait for an answer though, but lunged forward brandishing a large sword. The rubies glinted in the moonlight, almost exactly the same shade as the spray of red as the snake's head thudded on the ground. "Phew, that was going to cause me a few problems in the future."
"NO!" Voldemort yelled as he gazed at the remains of his Horcrux.
"I'm sorry, my love. Your attractiveness demands I, Harriet Potter, comfort you in your hour of need. Marvel at my femininity!"
"But I don't love-"
"Sorry, er, Voldy. About your pet, I mean. Can I still join the Dark side? I mean, James and Lily were dicks and all and I'm messed up so…"
"No you can't!"
"But I was abused!"
"I don't care-"
"Hey handsome," Harry tossed his scarf over his shoulder. "You are one gorgeous hunk. I've always gone for a bad boy."
"Why on earth would I date someone like you? You're so light, you even wear hair gel." Harry scoffed, flicking his 'emo-fringe' back.
"But you're me! Our complexions would completely match and, darling, I can see the outfits now. Twins are in at the moment, you know."
"I'm sorry, but I won't date anyone except for my beloved Severus/Draco. We're soul-mates, you know."
"You'd date our head of house? And admit it? You'd admit to illegal, under-aged doings? How… un-Slytherin of you." Harry said, sneering slightly.
"Whoops!" Harry tripped and only just missed the blast of light that exploded from Harry's wand as he ducked and rolled.
"How lucky!" Harry laughed.
"Damn it," Harry said, inspecting his wand angrily. "I thought I'd already cracked his head open…"
"Tell me about it. I thought I shot him- oh, there's my bloody helicopter."
"Sorry! That's mine; rich playboy, you know. HELLO GIRLS!" He yelled, waving enthusiastically.
"Hey, can I go with you? I need to get to Gringotts for a portkey and a property!"
"OMG, he's so f-ukign hot! I want 2 snog him!" Ebony yelled.
"In my day, people knew how to spell." Harry/Salazar shook his head disapprovingly. "Of course, in my day incest was fine, so we weren't perfect."
"Whot's rong with inset?"
"That's not how we spell incest, sweetie." Harry said patronizingly, with his hands on his knees, "Repeat after me; 'in-ce-st."
A shuriken sailed past Teacher!Harry and impaled itself in Ebony's chest. Everyone turned to an 'inconspicuous' Harry shuffling away. "That wasn't me at all. I'm not a ninja, I mean- KAWAII! And all that. Oh, is that Sasuke? Bye!"
"Don't look at me. I wouldn't kill someone. Far too troublesome." Harry didn't bother to get up from his spot on the ground.
"The Ministry and my mother will hear about this. It's all just a conspiracy to bring down my unc- I mean, the Minister, I tell you!"
A second shuriken sailed past Harry, only missing by an inch.
"STILL NOT ME!" came the distant shout.
"You know, I've never had a threesome with myself," Harry mused, looking around himself with interest and a perverted gleam in his eyes.
"YOU CHAUVINISTIC PIG! IS SEX ALL YOU THINK ABOUT? MEN HAVE IT SO EASY, JUST GET A GIRL PREGNANT AND BOOSH! A BABY! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH WE SUFFER! BLOOD EVERY MONTH AND THEN FORCING A HUGE THING OUT THROUGH YOUR VAGINA!"
"I completely understand, sister. Life's all about finding your soulmate, even if he did kill your parents, and then staying gorgeous." Harry's perfect hair went soaring through the air yet again.
"NO! NO IT'S NOT! IT'S ABOUT CHOCOLATE AND YOUR FRIENDS AND-"
"Hey, does anyone know what's going on here? I'm blind and I just-"
"You're blind?" Harry asked interestedly, twirling a sudden moustache. "Would you care for a custard cream-"
"Shut up Sirius!"
"Wouldn't mind if I d- squawk!
"I can deduce from your wingspan, pitch of squawk and bone structure that you are a canary." Harry informed him monotonously. "Do keep up Watson."
"Well done, genius. I'm sure if my meemaw were here she'd give you a gold star and a pat on the pack. Only she wouldn't, because I have a PhD and you don't. Ha!"
"I can deduce from your dress, speech and general air that you have a lower IQ than Anderson, which I will now demonstrate in a series of close up with white writing."
"Very good." Harry said patronisingly. "But I'm a Physicist, and I have string theory. What are you, a Biologist?" Harry snickered.
Harry regarded Harry with distaste "A consulting detective."
"I've never heard of it-"
"WILL YOU TWO BE QUIET? I'M TRYING TO FINISH THIS BOOK!"
"… Is it a physics book?"
"Then it's stupid."
"Dudes, relaaaaaaaaaax. Your bad energy is just generating bad karma. You need to reconnect with your core."
"I agree. Take off your clothes, run through the bracken and let the fern brush against your skin." Harry said, "Let the fresh air totally refresh you."
"I'd pay money to see that," Harry said lustfully.
Harry growled and slapped Harry.
"Er, can you do that again, please? I didn't catch that." Harry said, holding up his camera.
"What's that? We didn't have those in my day…"
"I was just hanging out,
When this ghost came up,
He was a carbon copy
I spat out my cup,
Is this a vision, a premonition,
Of my future if I follow?
Down this twisted road
Will I end up hollow?"
"That was very good dearie, but what do you mean 'twisted path'? Is it drugs? Because you're looking rather thin. I'll just fry up some bacon-" Harry flapped his hands concernedly.
"Bacon! My Lightning Owl form loves bacon!" Harry shouted enthusiastically, flickering between forms faster than the human eye could follow.
"That's nice, dear."
"Excuse me, ma'am. Have you seen this man?" Harry in dark sunglasses asked.
"Why yes, I have! That's you sweetheart. Right down to that bit of scruffy hair- can I just smooth that down-?"
"You are not permitted to touch!"
"Darn it. How can I bring myself in?" Harry frowned behind his shades.
"007, I'm not authorized to give out that kind of information."
"This is Harry Potter, reporting for the Daily Prophet. Mr Unspeakable, what can you say about the rumors that the Department of Mysteries is messing with time? Has one of your own gone missing? Are you controlling the Ministry from the inside? Has the office kneazle gone missing?"
"Pardon me sir, but have you filed the necessary forms to make public the events of this ritual? Have you filled out forms B66 or K3?"
"Just stop talking! God, all this mention of paperwork is just making me so God. Damn. Depressed!"
"You think you have it bad? Imagine having to wake up every morning to see this in the mirror! I'm hideous!" Harry took his hands away from his face and everyone screamed.
"Tis a horrific spectacle, and one I may not wish upon mine enemies. Was thou cursed as a babe?"
"Not that I know of-"
"Hermione! We're in the wrong place again! And it's the same wrong place!"
Woosh! Woosh! Woosh!
"I seen Jesus! He was blue and so beautiful and- you're my best mate, you know that? I love you, man." Harry staggered.
Harry looked disappointed. "This is all down to bad parenting. If you were just a little more authoritative… Use the bean bag method like I taught you."
"I know!" Harry sobbed, clutching a pan of bacon
"Hey it's not my fault he's my dad! It's hard to overcome blood, you know!"
"WHO SAID BLOOD?! I'LL KILL THEM!"
Finally, Voldemort had had enough. He stared straight at the readers and whispered unsteadily (and slightly deranged). "This is madness." And then he ran straight for them, faster and faster and faster until
"The fourth wall would never quite recover from the Many Harry Potter's of Little Hangleton. Although it would try, shivers still racked it as it cast its mind back to the 68th chapter."
"Do you think we should have told him we have MPD?" Harry asked uncertainly, observing the shattered remains of the fourth wall, which was already beginning to repair itself, ready for the next chapter- damn it! There it goes again.
"Nah," Harry dismissed. "We'll conquer our demons some other way."
"I heard Severus was free!"
"Shut up, Snarry. Everybody hates you!"