Fifty Shades Complete Part 4
I do not own Fifty Shades or any of these characters.
All rights go to E.L. James
My hands are shaking, trembling. Every limb on my body is shaking and my stomach is gnarled in knots. "Please, please, please, please," I whisper repeatedly. I want so badly to open my eyes. Or I want to keep them closed. My mind and heart are on a seesaw, teetering on two sides of a scale. Knowing the truth will either be good or heartbreaking. Not knowing will be the same.
Maybe I will just throw the stick in my hands away and live in bliss until one of the two inevitable events occurs. A tentative knock comes from the other side of the bathroom door. "Ana, baby," Christian calls to me softly from the other side.
I've been locked in the bathroom for I don't know how long. The steam from my shower dissipated long ago, long before I shut my eyes and stood in front of the bathroom vanity praying to God that mine and Christian's prayers will be answered.
"Ana, open the door." He tries again, this time the doorknob turns. The locked door doesn't give way. "Unlock the door at least, baby." His voice is kind and coaxing.
Knowing I cannot keep him at bay any longer I allow my eyelids to flutter open and look down. A single pink line stares back at me. My heart drops and tears promptly fill my eyes. I drop the pregnancy test in the sink like it is a vile poisonous object. Last month was the same, and the month before. I was so stupid to think it would come easily, as easily as it did when I became pregnant with Ted and when I became pregnant with the baby we lost. You are not stupid; my subconscious offers her shoulder to me, there was no reason to believe you would not become pregnant right away. Her words are valid and I know they are true. It doesn't make the disappointment I feel any less though.
I look at my already reddened eyes in the mirror and dash away the tears, which refuse to stop falling. I don't want Christian to see me like this, not again, but I cannot help it. Biting my trembling bottom lip between my teeth I open the bathroom.
"Oh, Ana…" His strong arms enfold me. Giving no matter to the fact that my still damp hair wets his dress shirt he holds me tightly.
"I thought for sure, Christian. I knew this was it." I sob out the words and fist my hands in the white linen fabric.
"Shhhhhh…Baby…Shhhhh…" He croons to me and lifts me in his arms, cradling me like a small child.
Christian carries me to our bed where he sits and holds me as long as I need to be held. He lets me cry out my sadness and frustration. I feel selfish for having the emotions I do. Remembering Grace who was never blessed with a biological child and endured loss too I know I am selfish. I have my beautiful baby boy whom I love and am thankful for every day. Somehow it does not hurt any less though and I reprimand myself for my reaction to the negative pregnancy test once more.
Slowly my sobs subside and I am left sniffling back the remaining tears. Christian produces a handkerchief from his pocket and I take it. I wipe my eyes and my nose, blowing it in a very unladylike fashion.
Christian's lips press to my forehead. "We'll have another baby, Ana. I know it in my heart. It only takes time. Dr. Greene…."
"I know what she said, Christian." My words come out harsher than I intend for them to. He hangs his head and his body moves as he sighs deeply. He sees me hurting and is powerless to do anything to stop it. I should not make him feel any worse than he already does; one more thing to scold myself for. "I'm sorry; I shouldn't have spoken to you like that."
"I know you're hurting, baby."
"There's still no excuse. You're hurting too and I'm sorry." I nuzzle my nose to his neck and kiss him there. His skin is soft and freshly shaven. He smells good and his scent comforts me the way it always does.
"I'm going to take the day off work and spend it here with you and Ted."
I sniffle and raise my eyes up to meet his. "Nonsense, I need to go to work too and Ted has a day planned with Auntie Mia. This is not a reason to upset our plans for the day."
"Are you sure?"
I give him a smile, "Positive." I hope I am able to convince him of my sureness. Even if I am not feeling one hundred percent certain about my decision I will not show him that. We will have our baby. That is the only thing I am one hundred percent sure about right now. I'm just not one hundred percent sure of when.
Something is amiss. I blink my eyes open against the dawning sun. The first rays of morning shine through the window, shedding light on Ana's empty side of our bed. I reach my hand out to touch where she was and the sheets are still warm from her body. She has not been awake for long. I shed the covers, disentangling my legs from the mass of blanket and sheet.
"Fuck!" Ana's angry voice cries out from the other side of the closed bathroom door. I hear something smack the wall and am on my feet dashing to where I know she is.
The bathroom door swings open faster and with more force than I had intended. I anticipated it being locked, but it isn't. On the floor directly across from me is a pregnancy test. It is lying as if she has thrown it and my mind quickly reasons that this was the smack I heard, the test hitting the wall. My eyes swing to the other side of the room and I see her sitting there on the toilet.
Startled by the commotion of the door opening as I burst into the room she jumps. "Christian!" She calls out in an alarmed voice. I see her sweatpants resting on the floor around her ankles. She grasps her white panties up in her fist as though she is hiding something. "Please go, I need a moment." Her wide blue eyes beg me to leave.
I know I should give her the private moment she wants, but I cannot leave her. Her actions are already telling me the answer to the question playing through my mind. Still, I will not leave her. Not leaving her alone I give her space for a brief time. Keeping my eyes cast downward I go to where the unused pregnancy test lies and pick it up. Unused, she hadn't even taken it yet and she is already wretched with misery. I turn the white stick made of plastic over in my hands, looking at it, examining it, waiting for something or for nothing. I look at it knowing it holds no answers, a blank page, but it still tells me everything I need to know. The toilet flushes and I look up. Ana pads quietly to the sink and turns the tap on. I move to stand behind her, first discarding the test into the trash receptacle.
Ana's eyes look down at her hands, she holds them under the hot water and I know it must be near scalding because steam is rising from the sink. I turn the tap off and taking the hand towel from the rack I begin drying her hands with it.
"I'm bleeding…my period is here." She says despondently. I already knew this was the case, but I let her go on and listen to her. "I thought this was the month, Christian. I don't know…I don't know what else to do. Why am I not getting pregnant?"
Her sad blue eyes turn to me and I want to kiss away the tears. A beast is ripping my heart to shreds with its talons and I haven't the strength to stop it. Seeing my Ana hurt paralyzes me. She wants another baby so much and I have not been able to give one to her. I have never felt like less of a man than I do right now in this very moment. "We could speak with Dr. Greene again." I suggest half-heartedly.
"She said we have to try six months before she will even think of intervening. It's only been three months since I stopped taking the pill. Three months is a short time and I feel so stupid for my impatience." She looks back down at her now dry hands and twists her fingers together.
I cannot handle seeing her torn up anymore. I put my hands on her upper arms and turn her body so that she is facing me. "Ana, look at me." I guide her eyes to meet mine by cupping her chin with one of my hands. "This has to stop." Her eyes go wide at my words. I continue hurriedly seeing the shock beginning to take root in her mind. "This stress is taking over your life and it isn't good for you, so no more." I bend down and retrieve the remaining pregnancy tests from the cabinet. Without asking I throw them in the receptacle with the other unused test.
"What are you doing?" She nearly shrieks.
"We are not keeping those in this house one second longer. This is controlling you and it is controlling us. No more. We will have our baby, Ana." I come back to her and lock her head with my hands. "We will." I tell her forcibly. "Not this way though. No more calendars or reminders. No more counting days or tests. This stress is not good for you." I repeat to her again.
"So we just go back to doing what we always do?"
"Mrs. Grey," I smirk at her. "We have been doing what we always do, having mind-blowing sex whenever we want. I am only removing the stressors. Is this okay?"
She breathes in a sigh and nods her head before wrapping her arms around me. She buries her face into my chest and I feel a few wet tears soak my skin. I hold her. Running my fingers through her messy hair I comfort her. We will have another baby; it will not be on our time though. The blessing will come when we least expect it.