Few years ago I wrote this story but I found that the way it's been written before didn't express me anymore. Their mutual love was bigger than I could ever considered and imagined, I've already learned...
So this is my new story about the old subject, the story I've plagiarized to myself ... a story about hurt and loss.
Because, I really think that he couldn't have go on living, most definitely.
And you? Do you really think that he could have made it?
The way I see it, he might have just not been able to do it, get over it and survive.
And this is my story.
A story about simple facts and huge decisions.
About those heartfelt decisions which are made on behalf of the everlasting love two people can share, the eternal affection that will never disappear because the ties that bound them were too strong to be broken.
A story of endurance, valor and faith.
A story that let us hope that, in the end, there will always be a tomorrow, a new dawn, a new beginning, no matter what.
Hopefully, for everything...
A story of how the sensitive dependency of an initial condition in which a small change at one place in a determined moment of a nonlinear system, can result in large differences in a later state.
And alter a state of being, forever... with the tiny flutter of a butterfly.
A simple fact.
THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT -Wishing you were here-
Life caught me off guard when I least expected and washed away my future, our dearest dream.
We were coming back, for Christ's sake, we were trying to be us again... when his sudden loss, left me inert as scorched earth.
That was how I felt, like scorched earth.
Dry, hollow, barren.
My existence in a paradox. A mockery.
Last May, the most tragic and devastating event of my life had happened and since then, my little world had turned upside down, the fact itself hellish… though what hurt me the most is that nothing seemed to have changed in my same direction in the whole universe... that, what finally had made it even more disgusting.
The size of the event, for the rest of the world, inversely proportional to damage.
As for my life, leaving it in turmoil…
In chaos theory a seemingly minor event could result in the unfolding of very really different outcomes, the so called "Butterfly Effect", in which butterfly's wings might create tiny changes in the atmosphere that might ultimately alter even the path of a tornado...
My own, up and close and personal tornado had swept me a month ago... leaving me like an insignificant butterfly.
My life the only casualty... and I wished that the only reason could have been of the size of a butterfly flapping...
My world, as it had been conceived had become a mess ... and I couldn't believe the days and nights.
How come they were still happening?
It had been several days since the last and regardless everything, all seemed to suggest that this would be a day like any other, but would it be?
A day like any other?
Perhaps... but not really.
I had woken up at some point along the day, trying to get rid of the stupor of my ultimate drunkenness when I found myself standing in the middle of my living room, the midst of my world, which was as empty and ridiculously desolate as I was, trying to cope this reality that I had never dared to imagine.
He, the invincible!
What a fool I had been…
Somewhere, someone was playing music, and even that small and distant whisper, was loud enough to me to remind me of how I was suffering his absence, how my silent ears hurt in his quietness... the way that every twinge still pounded in my already broken heart.
And I recalled, how I used to enjoy the beauty of the music before, its glee, permeating the air… how I loved those tiny moments of merriment with him here by my side, sharing our spaces, the everyday of an ordinary day…
And now, with everything gone, his lost made me feel as lifeless as empty veins... clotted! deaf even to the very music, the only sound the galloping of my weary heart, only beaten by that deafening barely listened beat.
I could hardly breathe. Irrevocably alone and hopeless.
Like the flutter the wings of the butterfly.
Stifled by the loss.
Still here, stuck in this pit of a hollow hole that now is called life, waiting for…
What might be?
Who might be…?
What else might expect…?
How long it'd take...?
Since his last day, I've been feeling asphyxiated, trapped in this stark reality in which lots of questions had been left unanswered, everything so sudden and unexpected... that I still needed to know…
30 days had passed, 30 days more or less…
But today, suddenly this searing pain had been rebelled.
I was restless, I felt weird, wanted to escape and boisterously rouse my waking slumber ...
Above all I felt different and more alone than ever...
The time had come to put me to work. Not knowing from where or whom, miraculously, I guessed, something, someone with a force greater than my own despair gripped me and launched me in a frenzied madness that awaken me and set me into motion, suddenly feeling the urgency to go out to the wind, down by the beach...
And scream my litany to demand the reasons why, it had all happened, in the place where -of all places- Starsky and I should have felt safest…
And off I went.
I unlocked the door.
His body intact, restored.
My aching being ailed me, like a carcass… and my eyes were filled with renewed tears at the precise moment when I had the chance to get to see his car, once again… my first time with it, after all…
Two miles west -I thought- to the coastline... not far enough to mourn as much as I wanted to – I deceived myself.
The short distance, my lame excuse to start grieving almost immediately. So I allowed myself and with all the relief I could muster, feeling justified, I broke into tears from the very beginning... bent in pain upon the steering wheel as I drove to the beach, sobbing, barely making out the road's bends, panting until I reached the golden sea.
I got out of the car and decided to walk along the wet shore, my bare feet on the chilly sand, my hair whipped around by the wind, my salty tears intermingling with the drops of the endless immensity.
And I saw the sun that was drowning into the deep, shaking off the hubbub of the day, choking in the torpor of the twilight that was being soaked up by the evening, while the gulls were cooing at the sundown, singing mournful lullabies for the end of the day that was freshly arriving, shortly before I did.
And numb, I stood still, perplexed, just watching the dull comings and goings that were happening on and on restlessly.
That miserable repetition.
The paradox of my life.
My theorem of terror.
The dawn, the sunset...and all in all everything in between, the unbearable showiness of those events yielding life, so oppressive to me, that I couldn't believe they were still happening as if nothing different and painful had occurred, with all the obscenity of his absence which was simply outrageous...
For Christ's sake!
The lack of!
Every day, every single day were miserable and that simple fact annoyed me… I thought I would explode.
How the world could possibly keep on going without him? How could I possibly be grounded when I felt like I was lingering in a void, with no land to hold on, erratically, wild and bewildered...?
Like a lone beacon in the middle of a storm with no shore in sight nor sailors able to see... which guided anyone to nowhere in the whirl of the ocean.
With no starting points or final destinations to reach…
Searching for him frantically... everywhere, in every smile, in every gesture, every time, in every reason with whatever it takes!
Stop, please... stop this terrifying roller-coaster.
Make it stop!
It hurts so much!
I needed a parenthesis. A planned break which could grant me one moment of peace, to sit and think and reacquaint myself , a hiatus to stop this nonsensical and crazy recurrence... to enable me to compose myself. To finish with this current world the way as it was until now and tell another story and start a new beginning, again, and find the place from where I could end this dizzying succession of meaningless facts in which my life had become.
My random moments and faint memories of our happy existence together, my only and harmless weapons… He, my only hope to put an end to this devastating feeling...
That helplessness I felt...
How could I've been so…
Oh! I felt so silly.
How come I had got caught in that useless deception? ... I could neither protect him nor comfort him, give him hope that I'd do my best to get him back...
That's why the pain I felt was bigger than myself, Oh! I knew that I should have known! Sensed it coming. Even vaguely, but I had been warned of the danger we were immersed and yet I had been too slow, sadly ominous, even so ... I'd been so late then... and now, it will never be again!
So distracted… and blind! They ripped him from me and now I couldn't do anything to get him back and repair such injustice…
What's this thing called life for?
Oh My God! I knew…
This wouldn't be any ordinary day.
This was the day after the day, after the day after the first month...
The rainy season over and the clear skies bluer than bluer.
June with all its glory had fatally arrived and with it... the summer he adored.
The girls wearing their tiny swimsuits soaking up the sun, the apricots, the surfers, the avocados, the beach volley and the Beach Boys singing louder than ever on the radio... all the things he loved the most, everything, indifferent and inexorably seemed to bloom all over again, even the grunions that were running ashore... over and over and over.
The circle of life.
What an irony!
I wondered whether it would always be like this without him.
The weary silence, the longing. The sorry existence. White on black. One grim life without color.
The will, expelled off my body. My troubled body, opened and torn. Shattered in its sad grieving.
And then I realized of course it would be...
I had lost him!
And he had died alone.
He, my pal was gone and I wasn't there for him and neither the end of the day nor the stars in the sky would bring him back to me ... ever.
He, my buddy was gone, and after that, everything, absolutely everything in my miserable and finite world had lost its meaning and substance.
Vanished, along with my dearest friend.
Forever... a memory
And I was so angry, so furious...Damn! I knew that it hadn't been his choice, I knew he would have never decided to go, he would have never chosen to leave me as forlorn…
But the hell with it if I wasn't angry...
There hadn't been any logical in the endless and unexpected hail of bullets that had flown toward his body. That final shootout that tore him and pulled him out of me, leaving me... quivering, motionless and staring at him as he lay inert in that parking lot surrounded by a flood of blood... his blood.
And I felt guilty for not having been able to prevent it and be there for him when that absurd and violent violation of our universe had happened...
Sinner of being such a coward, for not having been able to stay there for him in that ultimate moment by his side... not having been able to touch him! Powerless and helpless!
Leaving him alone, on his last journey to his final destination.
Alone, in his ashen snow-white hospital room, surrounded by cold metal where his heart most likely was going to stop throbbing forever, refusing to beat one more time, as it did... and I knew it would do…
Alone, because I had gone after a delusion, a phony excuse to leave, truly because I didn't want to witness his end…
Alone, in that final instant when they ceased to make the efforts to revive him and his last whisper was released and was spread into the universe... where his final breath had forever gone and with his, ours… never to return...
And at the end -his end- sadly realizing that -with my neglect- I had only been an unwilling witness of the slaughter that had been sketched and carried out just before my eyes... which I had had no power to prevent, no power to repair, not even time for one decent farewell nor heartfelt words to say.
God! I never even got a chance to hug him one last time, comfort him and tell him … everything and more.
So angry, abashed and taken aback…
That I wondered whether his loss and the pain suffered had been for any reason?
If his gifted life dedicated to the pursuit of the ideal of justice, had made some sense?
Had he made any difference…?
As inequitable and unfair
He sacrificed himself.
To protect and to serve.
And what was the point?
Maybe everything ... everything had been for nothing ... could it be?
Was he? Useless?
Did we take our love, our partnership for granted? Didn't we cared? At the beginning... what was its meaning? What were our dreams? Our challenges, our small battles? By whom? From whom?
It was meant to be forever Starsk! How many times... have we fantasized with a long term story, a hoary friendship that would last till the end of times ... how many times?
I shouldn't forget.
I should always remember... him, me and us.
The forgetting. Oblivion to the reasons that had made us who we were, would be disrespectful, a disgrace to his memory… I couldn't afford.
Because we were worthy.
He was worthy!
Stop it. Focus.
So I took a deep breathe, overcame myself and my sorrow and with all the strength that I could muster I started to remember...
And I really did!
And he came vividly into my mind, his laughter, his optimism... in all his glory.
And I… I looked back at our first times together when we were almost the perfect pair… quite a team!
Those first days at the Precinct when we were so eager to fight the abuse and change the world, and save everyone...
His endless tenacity…
And my wonderment, when I realized that he existed, that he was exactly how I imagined.
Those first times at the Academy, when we first met and I sensed, that he would be my buddy, my pal, the one whom I had molded in my fantasies since my early childhood.
Incarnated in the amazing form of Starsky, very real and not a figment of my imagination... finally conjured.
Lucky enough I had been to find him, to enjoy him!
He was true, he existed, my dreamy friend… in his image and likeness.
Faithful, loveable, courageous. A resilient warrior.
Sometimes childish, like a naughty kiddo. Sometimes extremely manly, with all the wisdom and maturity that only real men can have... Prancing his swagger wherever he go, sometimes tough, sometimes perky, sometimes gentle. Always loveable, a concoction of love.
My "all in one" companion. Sometimes a valiant stallion, sometimes a cute puppy.
… Who would have wanted to replace him anyway?
… Who might have wanted to forget him anyway?
And now I lost him?
… How could I have been so careless?
How could I?
Too perfect to be real? Was he?
Had he ever existed?
I threw those questions to the surf ... that came and went.
Come back to me, please… come and tell me. Come! Never let go…
And I found myself laughing at the tender memory… The days we were so young and free!
And suddenly I felt his magic around me, haunting my mind and soul.
And I heard his voice rumbling…
And the realization that the answer dwelt inside me.
And while my feet were being gently touched by the froth that had come to tell me… warm and soft in the chill of the night, it dawned on me, the final revelation...
Of course he had! He had existed!
Oh! How I wish I could shake him off me... instead, he's still here in every simple fact of my life... when I saddle a chair, while I sleep ... while my feet on the desk... when I eat. The desk...
I won't ever go back to the station again, sit down to that desk…
He completed all the spaces in my life with his outrageously festive presence. What's not to miss?
He had always mesmerized me with his heart, opened and beautiful, his deep blue eyes that not only looked through me but embraced me and fed me when I was starving. Humbly surrendered, my heart and soul to his lethal, killer love. So strong it's hard to forget.
Smitten by his majesty.
But was he any different than other men? Some kind of celestial leprechaun, with magical attributes I have to adore, conjure, evoke?
Damn! Gosh! What if… what if?
Object... don't lose it!
No! I'm going crazy here…
He was flesh and bone and had blood too!
And he was real… and he bleed to death!
And at the end he died anyway...
What does it mean?
That he had vanished in the afterlife?
Disappeared, in the infinite and beyond?
And the moments we had shared together…?
Where had all those moments gone?
Because there were, oh yeah! There were moments. Those I wanted to hold on to and grab, those moments I definitely needed to withhold…
My sweet, funny, adorable and amazingly beautiful friend, partner, who left me his amazement, his hunger for life, his fierceness, his desire of justice urging mine, my own desire urging his, mutually…
Infatuated by his generosity, blinded by his glow!
Infinite as our time should have been - and yet as brief and human as he was - as infinite as my love for him and our friendship will ever be…
One lifetime's not enough to have experienced the joy and fulfillment of his friendship...
Oh how it hurts!
Focus, calm down...
I have to stop this frenzied misery and try to feel and remember...
Don't freak out, just ... remember
How many times did he save me? How many times he held me? How many, many times...
Now he is just a dream, a memory from the past, some photos and a few songs… his musky fresh smell and the faded color of his voice...
He represents the nostalgia of our bygone days... those tiny big moments we shared together.
Now he's etched in my mind, carved in my skin, imprinted in my soul.
And that's the way it'll be forever, since he will always be alive in my heart.
Because he was a believer and he trusted. In me, in us. Loyal to his bones. (And I have to believe too.)
Because he's needed, oh my God, he is so needed! (And I need him now to ease this immeasurable melancholy I feel, this unease about my lonesome future…)
How I wish he was here with me! His voice still echoing in my chest, his mischievous laughter impersonating my smile again... (Laughing in my every heartbeat.)
Because his eyes had all the answers to all my questions... his face treasured all the footprints of the world we were living …
So alive, still, now I can close my eyes and see him in my life as a slide show.
His face..., crashing to the ground beside the Torino,
His face..., surrounded by the clatter of the bullets, the blowup...
His face crying in pain, my shock, his collapsed body... my futile attempt.
In slow motion, like a slide show... stop.
Skip over that!
Oh My God, Oh No! His face!
No, no! Not that face, his last face!
Ease! Breathe! ... Inhale, exhale.
Only a mechanical movement, will's not required.
In and out. In and out! (I won't ever regain the will)
I'm scared, I was so scared…
Oh no!…I don't want to remember his last face never; the surprised and incredulous face that was frozen forever in that last instant beside his beloved car, groping with the keys, talking about that last meal that is never going to be…
Those words, ironically his last words to me... so silly words while there were so much left to say.
So help me God! Please help me!
Help me to remember and help me to forget!
I still have the right to choose what to conceal, don't I?
And though I don't want to look back to that last moment, I know I can't escape…
Because I know I have to remember, but I don't want to remember.
Because I know I need to forget, but I can't forget.
Because I'm here and I feel like I'm not here since I'm already gone with him in his farewell…
Because I don't want this happening to me, don't want to feel like this, this gap in my soul anymore... and still I'm unable to make it stop and fill it.
Because I could not help him, save him, heal him... make it well and complete again though I urged him and begged him to breathe and to stay with me...
Please let's just breathe… !
...in and out… might I be able to do it again as well?
So many memories to erase…
And so many to hold on to!
Truth is I still feel him though I know that he is not true. Truth is I miss him so much. Truth is he isn't close to me, not anymore, not like it was supposed to be. Truth is that his proximity, the comforting feeling, that soothing sensation won't ever happen again, won't ever be the way it used to be, never again.
Deprived of him so out of the blue…
Though I knew, I knew that I have to let him go. Please...
Let me let him go! I'm begging you, God! Let me...
Regardless, the force that have bonded us through the years was still so strong… and
It still remains today and I can feel it here, just like him, by my side, whose presence I can't shake off...
And I know that I can't wait for him forever, for him to come and take me… (Please come and get me... please… take me? How cold the sea might be?). He might not want!
How cold it could be?
How scared I was, how…
Hutch, help, I can't, I can't…
My heart began to fail me, I felt my future was being challenged to a duel and I felt insecure... what was I expected to do?
I felt skeletal like a corpse. Empty.
My shallow breaths were leaving my body, rapid...
and I remembered how shaken I felt then,
shocked now as I was reliving the moment...
and I started panting, unable to move... again...
and he was there too, bleeding to death, just in front me...
so I instructed my body to move to reach him, wishing that I could do it this time…
and I started screaming from my insides... urged to stir, to scream
my voice audible, finally…
And finally I made it, I moved!
This time finally, I'd achieved!
The voice louder than I could have ever dared to rise, up from the soul, from my belly
"Oh Lord! Starsky! I can't resist anymore, I feel so tired, so sad, so empty… Life without you is so very unthinkable, buddy…
Because, after losing you, what or who is worthy?
Needed. You're so needed!
I have no answers... I feel clueless
Can I wait forever…?
Should I move forward or not?
Hey Pal? You there? You listening to me?
I'm so puzzled here, give me an answer, a sign, what's the right thing to do? What am I gonna do?
I know if I give in to this pain, I will lose you forever. And I don't want to…
You would also cease to exist in my memories and in my soul.
And who's gonna look after you? We would be both dead and I love you too much to let you die again, to get us both killed.
So what do I have to do?"
My life had no more than ten certainties at the moment, ten, or more or less reasons I could think of... and I decided it was time to throw them into the open space... to the Gods, to the omnipresent Starsky and even the seagulls (and my own core) to hear…
"I love you partner.
I hate the way I've lost you.
I can't change it.
I can't fix you.
And make you whole again, complete, and stick you with glue like a doll.
I want you to come back to me and stay by my side.
I miss you so much buddy.
Do you forgive me? Could I ever forgive myself, as well?
I don't want to forget you, never. Don't leave me.
I just wanna die with you again, this time.
My scheme, my new outline.
My ten commandments…
Now, lying strewn on the sand, scattered around my feet... in the open, waiting... and that is all I knew…
How long it is forever?
And after a while of overwhelming quietness, a serenity in the atmosphere, a whirlwind of memories followed one after another uncontrollably, and suddenly our times together passed before my eyes like little broken images of a mirror that reflected the kaleidoscope of our lives. My decisions in riots. My muscles tensed, my body shaking. Floods of guilty were drowning me in a tidal wave of dismay.
The times when I almost lost him and I saved him and he came back to me ... miraculously (Whaddya go and do that for partner?)
The times when he came and rescued me, and protected me and cared for me... (I hear that sound Hutch, the ball's in the air…)
The times we were there together for each other, (Seemed to be a good idea at the time) enjoying ourselves... and relishing that, our unique friendship, the one that maybe very, very few people in the whole world could ever get the chance to taste...
My feelings, all jumbled, confused.
Good and bad times.
My duty. My onus. My fears. My Selfishness. My cowardice.
My hunches. My instincts. My efficiency.
My dreams. My plans. My love.
My faults. My mistakes
My last incompetence...
And Gillian, and Terry, and Rigger, and Van, and Starsky… all gone!
And I can't stop blaming me
And I reproached to my fate, why?
Why wouldn't have been me...? It should have been me also!
Game, set and match!
"You know something Starsk? It's always toughest on the ones left behind…
I believe that when I hear it from somebody who went first"
And now you know…?
Why have I been the one to survive?
Couldn't it have been reversed?
Wouldn't it be good to go together in a blaze of glory as we longed, as we had designed? Go to Bolivia, rob a Bank…
I had always known... Starsk!
Yeah… you were faster, you'd always had beaten my pants off…
Always had known that It would be me the one left behind… You proved me thousand times, Oh man! how can I forget Bellamy…
Hey Pal, How about Strike One?
You know… I think one of us oughtta be here… in case we lose him… … better get down here right away Hutch!
I guess this is it.
Starsky you know I love you!
You're the best friend I got in the whole world...
Words, words, words fluttering in my ears.
And I found out that only the passing time could mend my broken heart, eventually…
Desperately to silence these voices that stunned my brain!
Starsky get down!
What took ya so long…?
Have I been that long too?
And I hated myself, I hated myself for not being able to stop thinking about all of this instead of thinking just about him.
I mean, Starsky, wasn't any burden to bear and reduce my love for him to that last fatal moment, forgetting the rest, was unfair…
I realized that ultimately I was the one who should be able to deal with the outcome of this nightmare, without thinking whether I had taken some responsibility in it or not, because after all, I always knew that he would have never hold anything against me.
So like him being so generous and understanding…
And in that instant, I felt his forgiveness like the flip side of my hope…
And the last of my tears, which had been sown in my eyes that dreadful morning of May, were freed and went streaming down my face endlessly, to its dry ending...
And suddenly, the survivor who I used to be ... the lone warrior who had been left behind and still lived in me ... resurfaced. To fight the pain to stop the chaos... knowing that the final decision was soon to be taken
And on the verge of it…
A crack opened in the dead sky, a cold thunder detonated by an ill wind, stole the warmth.
One drop, two... countless, endless. Weeping with the mingled rain...
And beyond the preceded tears in my eyes, a lightning lit up the dark mantle of the night, and I could see his face hiding in disguise and in the distance and over the horizon through the sea... while the faraway echo of thousands of ancient storms, wrapped my stuttering along with his words, mine, becoming his, and both in a single voice, ours, the one and only which had always told me where to go, what to do and the one that was now starting ringing in my ears again trying to wash away the tears and the rain... to give me direction
And I listened intently to it, quietly…
Every little sour detail.
Every bitter truth.
"Your pain is mine too Hutch! But pain is temporary… and I am not! Pain may last an hour, a day, or a year but eventually it will recede, something else will take its place.
But if you don't reject it buddy, if you don't let it go, it will kill you, it's gonna end up with you.
You know what? I need your help, I'm exhausted... feel my strength is leaving me and I'm getting weaker and weaker every day, tired of lurking, waiting for the right moment for you to understand ... to you to realize you simply have to look back to the moments we had spent together to regain control of your life and keep me awake and alive and to keep you awake and alive, ... finally here beside you...
Every day since that day, I pray you can do the same I've been doing... clinging to the good old days ... how to let them go?
But I'm afraid I'm not sure you'd be able to... and I know that I'm being a little bit skittish lately but anyway... you gave me a startle, admit it! ... Yeah… I've been searching for you and couldn't find you anywhere and I was frightened...
I've told you once, you don't have to antagonize the people I need Hutch, remember? And I need you now Hutch like I always did, where the hell have you been?
Where had you gone?
Come back to be, please... and to me... because without you, I feel like a slave trapped in your grief, inside some stranger I don't recognize anymore.
Deliver me from your sorrow, if you surrender, the suffering will be forever. Forget the revenge, the hatred.
Detach yourself from your alleged failures, since to me, I told you before, they hadn't been yours anyway.
You have to believe!
In me and to me...
I want ourselves back. I need to!
You have to learn that death is a passage, Hutch, a change in the state of things, a transition from one part of life towards another, which love is the main goal of conquering rather than the hatred.
I beg you, I ask you to think of me in terms of affection, of endearment, getting rid of your ghosts, discarding those fruitless searches intended to determine whom were the responsible ones from whom they weren't; ruling out retaliation against the bastard who masterfully devised this daredevil stunt which life set us into. Who had been the guilty party in this ploy? Man, it doesn't matter… whether you believe you've been reckless enough to ignore this deceit... it isn't important now. Not anymore. Is hopeless to go back on the things we can't have anymore, unable to change the past... powerless.
For all that we had been and have been worthwhile.
Try. Look forward!
Because our love will never go away, it will only grow bigger and bigger beyond my existence.
Let's take a never ending ride in the Torino, Hutch? ... Let's keep on chasing cars in our minds, running down few alleys, busting down a few doors... doing the job… the damn job, evermore!
You're too good a cop to let yourself down!
(Don't let me down...)
Let me "be" again, us... please? Through you, for you and by you.
And don't forget us, and unless it's too unbearable and hurts too much, spread our love and remember me!
A tiny sweet taste at the end…
And I closed my eyes and I heard him, I felt him…
And all my senses returned … and I knew this hadn't been a revelation, nor a divine intervention from anyone but him, who now was telling me from beyond the same words that he had already said to me before.
His living will.
He loves me, and his love will protect me, and the years of care and loyalty wouldn't be diluted or wasted in the adversity.
I must go on, and be faithful to pursuit the light that still lived in his eyes, eyes in which I feel complete, carrying his love away… , our new badge, to protect and to serve us, to serve and protect 'til the end of times.
I really knew, this wouldn´t be any ordinary day...
I stayed stiff for a while... staring at the top of the surf kissing the sky, a shiver of excitement wrapped my body, and I couldn't tell if it had been him, the mist, the sea breeze or the chill of the "June Gloom" that already had slowly killed the sunset, but I could tell that I was cold.
The pier had started living its night, wakening from its idleness, and I could hear the people's laughter in the distance, I could see people taking care of each other, living and giving on and on...
And when the Sky opened, and the first Star appeared round and bright, shining like it always had done...
I felt like the moment had come, finally.
And I decided it was just the right time to go back home and let go...
I went back to the Torino, which was waiting for me, healthy and stoic.
I opened his door, caressed his leather skin and when I rose the eyes to see my reflection in the rear mirror... there he was!
He showed up for real, in his shining heavenly presence, every inch of him in its right place...
The right hand was holding the slope of the head.
The eyebrows in wonderment, framing the deep blue eyes.
His mouth... in a sweet grin, yet sensual and naughty, surrounded by the indentation of the corners that were decorating the strong and unshaven jaw which showed the way to the rugged and masculine mole...
The long manly nose, soberly carved, distractedly interrupting his amazing blue glance…
That wise look of his, I was longing for from that day on, to either receive or give one more time at least in my life, and which I know it'd be forever hidden in mine.
His infectious slow wink; his uncanny, almost feral blink.
There he was, blue Adidas and all, doing exactly what I was expecting him to do …coming back here for me in the nick of time just to save me and don't let me down.
He had never disappointed me before!
I always knew, that I could count on him, even today in distress and concealed among the clouds after this storm... always there for me, he had reappeared to fulfill his main purpose in this life, which was give me his whole being and his selfless soul. (As if a further demonstration required ... once again).
I sighed deeply, the vapor of my breath mingled in my sweat... tarnishing the windscreen.
We locked our glances, a ghost of a smile …
And he held me and held onto me. Embraced me with the slightest of the touches and I felt how his concern and affection, like a strong breeze that had been caught in the middle on his way home guided me to his heart, … where my home was, where I would never be alone again, reminding me how I haven't had been ever, indeed.
No words were needed.
And in that ethereal instant I knew...
He no longer belonged to me,
No longer belonged to the now and here...
He was sheer nature, timeless.
And I heard his promise for the ever after, that one day we'll be as one, again. Together.
And I could let myself go and say goodbye.
And I released him.
And at last…
We finally had it...
Our final moment together.
(Earthly moment together... –I corrected myself-)
The Torino our only witness...
So I started the engine, turned up the music's volume from the car stereo and started driving home full speed, humbled at the immensity of the moment I've just starred and witnessed… the starry heaven above, my only North, and he, here! With me now inhabiting every single particle of the Universe (where he belongs and where he will always be), because he promised...
And I heard…
Alive! always within my heart and my soul.
On and on...
Forever and ever.
(And I miss you so badly ... eternally wishing you were here...)
for the flutter of one butterfly!