First things first, I don't own anything. Otherwise I would be on Fiction Press.

That being said, hey guys, The Sarcasm Master here. For a while now I've been thinking about story ideas for Total Drama and I came up with the idea of what the Total Drama contestants would give as speeches for the Academy Awards! I will hopefully go through every character, and I will take suggestions for who to do next. There will be no continuity, they are all separate from one another. Also, if you haven't already, check out my one-shot "Beyond the Fourth Wall" or my Hunger Games/Total Drama crossover "From Drama to Death." You won't regret it. :)

First up...


The applause filled the ornate room as the pudgy woman in a garish dress that did not suit her at all took the stage, looking to be on the verge of joyful tears. She clutched the golden statuette as she tearfully took the microphone.

"Yah, I'd just like to thank the Academy for this award. I was totally shocked when I was nominated, and I feel like I'm in a dream right now. I have a lot of people to thank for this, and I'd like to appreciate them all."

"First, I'd like to thank my great-great-great-great granduncle for inventing the award. Before him, people just gave themselves pats on the back when they did something impressive! Second, I'd like to thank my great-grandma for inventing the Academy Awards. Before her, people just relied on their own opinions to determine whether a movie was good or not. Yah, like that would ever work."

Glances between audience members were being exchanged, some confused, some agitated, but the girl on stage just kept talking.

"Next, I'd like to thank my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather for inventing speeches! Before him, people had to use inner monologues to express their feelings! And of course I can't forget my great-great-great-great-great-great-great step-uncle, who invented the stage!"

She didn't seem to notice that pretty much everyone in the crowd were waiting impatiently for her to finish or for the Jaws theme to chase her off stage. "My point is, I have a lot of relatives I can thank for my success, but the relatives I would have to thank the most would be my mom and my dad, for inventing and loving me." She sniffled.

There was actually some positive reaction and "awwww"ing to this comment. Then, she went right back into her speech. "So yah, I look forward to seeing you all again soon, because you don't have as much of an awesome family as me. 'Cause my family has shaped the world. I must thank one final person who made this all possible. Thank you, oh Great great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-"

The Jaws theme began to play, although Staci didn't seem to notice or care. "-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-"

Da duh. Da duh. Da duh. DA DUH DA DUH DA DUH DA DUH!

What appeared to be a shark was creeping up on her from behind. Strangely, none of the audience were reacting.

"-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather, who invented everything in the world. Thank you, God." She turned around to see a shark grinning and staring at her.


The compulsive liar ran off the stage screaming wildly, and the "shark" exit stage right, cackling. When out of sight of the crowd, Izzy took off the head of her shark costume and whistled innocently while walking down the changing room hallway.

There was applause for Staci's speech, but the timing made it seem as though they were applauding the shark chasing her off (which, to be honest, a lot of them probably were).

The nominees now started frantically trimming down their speeches, not really sure what the deal was with the shark, but they definitely weren't going to take too long like the fat lady up there just had.

Too bad Izzy would probably just scare them off the stage anyway just because she felt like it.

Thank you for reading. As I said at the beginning of the story, these will not be in the same canon or have any relationship to each other unless the "Rule of Funny" benefits from it. I'm not sure how long these will end up being on average, but probably not more than 1,500 words a chapter. Thank you and see you next time!