Happy Birthday, My Darling Rage.
Hope you have a great one.
Thanks to my special guest Epi II writer extraordinaire. The very talented Jr.
And to the wonderful Missy. You know why :)
I met her in a bar.
She was hot. Or I was drunk.
She agrees to come back to my place.
We have a wild night.
I've never let anyone back there before.
That strap-on was bigger than I expected.
The next morning she was gone.
No phone number was left.
I think her name was Izzy.
I haven't been feeling well lately.
Maybe it's just gas.
My stomach is grumbling.
It feels like I need to go.
I use an enema.
I scream. It's so painful.
I've never unloaded one this big before.
Holy shit! What is that?
A baby? A back door baby?
I didn't even know I was pregnant.
What was in that strap on?
I think I will call her Rosemmet.
News of Rosemmet traveled fast in this town.
Izzy finds me again. Decides to see for herself if it's true.
There is no denying that she is Izzy's child. They look exactly alike.
She's anger and venom. Yelling at me. Saying that I am not fit to raise Rosemmet on my own.
That I flirted too much with the bartender that one night. That I am a manwhore.
She says she is taking me to court to sue for custody. I'd like to see her try.
We go in front of the judge on a Monday. She tells them false things. She yells and curses.
I have character witnesses. They stand by my side. Her witnesses have never met me.
The judge sides with me. She will not take my child. She also gets 2 years in jail for filing false reports, perjury, and contempt. I get full custody.
Izzy did her time without complaint. Since she was such a huge bitch, she easily became someone's bitch. She and Alice are still together. Alice puts her in her place often. They see Rosemmet every other Christmas.
I have never been happier. I have fallen in love. His name is Jasper. He's even better than Izzy's strap-on. We want more kids. He says it's his turn this time.
Jasper says something is wrong. He says he has to take a big shit, but it hurts.
I think he's going to hurl, but instead, when he stands up, there's no shit on the white couch, just blood. Lots of it.
I think about calling our neighbor, Carlisle, who's really good with stains, but Jasper's screams make talking on the phone impossible.
Jasper falls to the floor, and I begin to think it's more than the taco bell he ate. Though that fire sauce sure can make my ass bleed.
I drag him outside to the deck, where our neighbor Jacob is grilling.
There's no time to admire him, when Jasper lets out a horrible scream.
I move my hands from my ears to my mouth when Jacob vaults expertly from his deck to ours.
I have to bury my face in Jacob's naked chest when there's a terrible ripping sound, but he pushes me away to kneel next to what used to be my loving husband's ass.
I look in time to see Jacob rolling Jasper's body off the deck, while cradling what looks a lot like something that once came out of my ass.
He says it's a boy. Half boy, half something 'fucking else.' Those are Jacob's words, and I cry, just for a second.
It latches onto Jacob, and I forget all about Jasper, who swore he'd never breastfeed.
It's then that I notice Jacob's nipples, all eight of them, and I wonder how many more we could have.