The Marauders Discover Fanfiction
Chapter Eight: Sex Ed with Paris
First Uploaded: June 4th, 2014
Re-done: April 29th, 2015
Disclaimer: I don't own the world of Harry Potter, nor do I own the (genius) oneshot they read in this chapter.
Special Thanks Goes To: Tabesco Lamnia Lammina Lamna for writing this hilarious oneshot, taken from their amazing story "Harry Potter and the Clichés of Doom". I replaced the characters so that they are from the marauders era, but the story is pure gold.
"This one looks interesting…"
"Why? Read the title and the summary!" Sirius commanded Remus.
"Well, the title is Sex ed. With Paris, and the description is Dumbledore decides that the population of Hogwarts should no longer be ignorant, so he gets a very special guest to teach them about birds and bees!"
"Wait, why is the title 'Sex ed. With Paris?' shouldn't it be 'in Paris?'" James asked.
"Erm, either it's a grammar mistake, or…" Sirius trailed off, unsure.
"Well, shall we read it?" James asked. "I'll read, okay?"
"What have we got first?"
"What does that mean?" Sirius asked.
"Obviously they're referring to classes. Just keep reading, Prongs." Remus said.
asked James around a mouth full of bacon.
"Nice…" Sirius said, pulling a face.
"Care of Magical Creatures," said Sirius, swallowing his eggs.
"Nice…" James retorted, sticking his tongue out at Sirius.
"Real mature," Remus commented.
"And then?" asked James.
Sirius glanced at his timetable and choked slightly.
"I bet three galleons we have double potions with Slytherin." Sirius said, causing Remus to roll his eyes.
"I bet we have History of Magic with Slytherin." Peter said.
"I bet we have Arithmacy." James said, shrugging. "Although I don't take that class, it sounds tricky, and Fanfiction!me might take it."
Remus shook his head. "You guys really are thick. Honestly. It's so obvious!"
Sirius frowned. "Why, do you know?"
Remus nodded, but, before he could reply, James continued reading (before a full-fledged argument broke out between the two).
James helpfully pounded him on the back until he stopped coughing.
"Thanks," wheezed Sirius, taking a large drink of Pumpkin Juice.
"So, what have we got?" said James.
Sirius didn't reply. Instead, he simply pushed his timetable towards his friend.
James grabbed the parchment and quickly scanned down the lists.
"Here it is!" he said. "Second class – SEX EDUCATION?!"
The four marauders burst out laughing.
"But Hogwarts doesn't even have Sex Ed!" Remus said.
"D'ya really expect them to care?" Sirius said.
"Moony, how did you know what class it would be?" Peter asked.
"It was in the title…" Remus said.
"Oh - oops." Sirius said.
The occupants of the Great Hall moved as one to stare at James.
"That would look funny."
James looked up in confusion.
"Since when do we have Sex Ed?" he asked.
"What I've been wondering." Remus said.
Dumbledore rose from his seat at the head of the Staff Table.
"Enter: Dumbledore!" Sirius said.
"Since today!" he beamed.
The marauders laughed again.
"Why?" asked James.
"Great reason." Peter chuckled.
"Shits and giggles," he replied.
"I can just imagine Old Albus saying that," laughed Sirius. "I can picture it in my head. I would pay to see that."
James looked around the classroom nervously. The entire sixth year was squished in the room and nerves were already being stepped on.
"I can imagine…" Sirius said.
Sirius checked his watch.
"They're late," he whispered.
"Who's they?" Peter wondered.
Suddenly, the door opened. The class waited with baited breath for their professor to appear.
However, the person who entered the room was a far cry from what any of them were expecting.
"I bet a galleon that it's Slughorn." Sirius said.
"I bet it's McGonagall." Said James.
"I think it's Dumbledore." Peter said.
"I say it's… Voldemort." Said Remus slowly.
"What?" Asked Peter.
"It's a far cry from anyone they were expecting." Remus replied simply.
An extremely skinny young woman with blonde hair strutted into the classroom, carrying with her a tiny little dog in a pink jumper.
"Does that sound like anyone we know?" James asked.
"Nope, or at least I don't know anyone like that," Sirius replied. "Honestly, both bets we've done so far have resulted in no one winning. What's the point in betting if nobody wins?"
"Who the hell is that?" muttered Sirius.
"If you squint, she looks like a horse!" whispered James happily.
"Oh, and that hair is so totally bleached," said Lucius Malfoy, patting his own hair with satisfaction.
The other three marauders also started laughing.
"Wait a moment," Sirius said, "Malfoy's three years older than us!"
"Nobody cares, Sirius."
"Like, OMG!" said their Professor. "Isn't this hawt?!"
"I don't even know why this is so funny." James laughed. "I really don't know – but it's hilarious."
"Who are you?" asked Remus.
"Exactly what I was wondering." Remus said.
"You, like, don't know who I am?" said the woman angrily.
"Nope!" said Remus, amused.
Remus, along with the majority of the class, shook their heads.
Their professor pouted and then quickly crossed her ankles and put one hand on her hip.
"Paris Hilton," she smiled.
"Who's that?" Sirius asked.
"No clue." Remus said. "But she sounds dumb, and superficial."
"DIE!" cried Lily Evans from the back of the classroom, pointing her wand at the blonde.
"Lily Evans kicks butt." James laughed.
"Go get her, Lily!" Sirius yelled.
But, to her shock, the spell simply dissolved, leaving Hilton untouched.
"Yeah, right," said Professor Hilton,
"I love how she's immediately become 'Professor Hilton'," said Sirius.
"there's, like, wards and stuff in here. Duh."
"Duh." Peter repeated, chuckling.
Lily blocked her ears.
"LA LA LA LA LA!" she sung loudly. "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"
"This is good!" Remus said, laughing.
"Like, whatEVA," sniffed Hilton.
"You're the one teaching us Sex Ed?" asked Peter, sounding as though he was dreading the answer.
"Yep, I would be!" Peter said.
Peter shrunk down in his chair.
"OMG! Like, totally!" beamed the professor. "Let's have a practical! Like, right now!"
Sirius cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Do you, um, think that the author is going to describe it?"
Nobody answered, so James hesitantly read on.
The eyes of the sixth years widened to a size that had previously been thought physically impossible.
Professor Hilton flicked her hair and posed.
"I think Moony will." Sirius said.
"Why would I volunteer?" Remus asked.
"I sense a pattern. I just know it." Sirius said.
"Oh, the same way how you just knew and won your other bets?" asked James with a smirk.
"Prat." Said Sirius, whacking James in the stomach.
Remus began wondering if he could break through the window.
Hilton scanned the rows of students.
"I pick …" she drawled, "you!"
"REMUS!" shouted Sirius.
"JAMES!" shouted Peter.
"MALFOY!" shouted Remus.
"EVANS!" shouted James. The others stared at him.
"What?" he shrugged. "It'd be totally hot!"
Sirius rolled his eyes. "It'll be Remus. Just trust me on this."
"What makes you so sure?" Remus asked.
"I know how these author's minds work." Sirius said.
Remus rolled his eyes. "As you've already proved when you correctly predicted everything else in this story."
"Shut up," Sirius said. "Anyway, I'll get the last laugh when you're forced by the teacher to embarrass yourself."
She beamed and placed her hand on Sirius' shoulder.
"HA! YEAH!" Remus shouted, punching the air.
"Nooo!" Sirius cried in despair. "WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME?!"
Peter and James were laughing so hard that James fell off the couch.
"Sorry, mate," he managed to choke out. "Looks like the universe hates you."
Sirius crossed his arms and pouted.
All four Marauders raised their wands and pointed them at their Professor.
"Phew," Sirius said. "Thank Merlin you guys are such loyal friends."
The other three scowled.
"What?" Sirius asked.
"Psh. It was be a lot funnier to see you embarrassed by the sex education teacher." James said.
Hilton withdrew her hand hastily.
"Shame…" Peter smirked.
"I hate you guys." Sirius with a pretend sniff.
"Not hawt," she pouted, "whatEVA. Where's my dawg?"
"And that means…?" James asked.
"Her dog. It's slang." Peter said. "Do you think it's a codeword for Padfoot? Maybe we'll see him embarrassed after all!"
"I think I need new friends." Sirius said.
"Wait, why is Bellatrix in our class?" Sirius asked. "She's two years older than us!"
The others shrugged.
"I hope this isn't going where I think it is…" Remus mumbled.
Avery covered his eyes.
Hilton dragged the dog out from underneath her desk
"As in, a dog that isn't Padfoot?" Peter asked.
"Yes." Sirius said firmly.
and began rummaging around in the handbag attached to its collar.
"Thank goodness, I thought for a moment…" Peter trailed off.
"Don't be too relieved yet," Remus warned them. "The chapter isn't over yet!"
The class breathed a deep sigh of relief.
"Hawt!" announced Hilton, waving a small disk above her head.
"What's that?" asked Sirius nervously.
"Like, my new, totally hawt, DVD!"
"What's a DVD?" Peter asked.
The other three shrugged.
proclaimed Hilton. "Ten Guys Go To Paris!"
Fabian Prewett threw up.
"Why's Fabian in our class? He's a year older than us."
"Sirius, when will you learn that these authors don't care?"
Hilton quickly inserted the disk into the conveniently located DVD player.
Remus raced across the room, and, with a leap to shame a toad, jumped through the glass window.
"Oh," Remus said.
"Great Merlin!" exclaimed Narcissa Black. "We're nine stories up!"
"Looks like you died, Moony," Sirius said casually. Remus glared at him.
But the class was distracted from the fate of their classmate by the opening music of the DVD.
"I feel so touched." Remus said dryly.
"Save me, daddy," whimpered Lucius Malfoy.
Sirius opened his mouth, but James cut him off. "Yes, Sirius, we know that Malfoy isn't in our class. You don't have to say it."
"Actually, I wanted to say that I would like to see Lucy Malfoy calling for his father," Sirius said indignantly.
Lily jumped onto her desk.
"Quick!" she exclaimed. "If you value your innocence, your sense of naivety,
The marauders snorted.
and your breakfast – kill that woman!"
"As always, Evans comes to the rescue." James chuckled.
"Like, you can't!" she said.
"We can't use magic!" cried Bellatrix. "We can't defeat her!"
Lily pointed at Hilton dramatically.
"Use the chairs!"
Hilton began to look nervous as the sixth years rose and picked up their chairs.
"Not hawt," she whispered, stepping slowly towards the door.
"Attack!" cried Lily.
"EEEEEEE!" screamed their professor.
"Merlin, I'd love to see this." James said, chuckling.
Professor Dumbledore tapped his glass for silence as he stood.
"I'm very sorry to announce the death of our Sexual Education professor, Miss Paris Hilton," he said gravely,
"So we killed her?" asked Peter doubtfully.
Remus shrugged, and said, "I guess…"
"it appears that while attempting to run from her classroom she tripped and fell, causing all of her arms and legs to fall off."
"Woah… Is that possible, Moony?" James asked.
Sirius was the one to answer. "Everything's possible in Fanfiction…"
The Headmaster looked seriously at his students over his half-moon glasses.
"We don't know why she was running," he said, "but take this as a warning to you all: it is not hot to not eat."
"So she was so thin all her arms and legs fell off when she tripped. That clears up a lot!" Remus said sarcastically.
The students all nodded solemnly.
"Poor Paris!" wailed Professor Binns, attempting to stroke the recently decesed's dog.
"Now that's a mental picture." James laughed.
Remus (who had managed to survive the fall with a few scratches) raised an eyebrow.
"So I didn't die." Remus said. "Yippee."
"Whimper," said the dog.
"Oh, the infamous dog survived too." Sirius said, rolling his eyes.
Sirius rolled his eyes.
"I liked this Fanfiction!" Sirius decided.
"Yeah, it was amusing," Remus agreed.
"Let's read the next one!" Peter said, eager for more.