The Rainbow Connection
A Neon Genesis Evangelion crossover fanfiction
Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based parody. Neon Genesis Evangelion and The Muppets are the properties of their respective legal owners. Please support the official release.
I had to write something silly after the shitty day I've had. So...
His father just... Just walked away. Leaving him there, all alone. He cried. He cried for what seemed like forever, his tiny world ripped asunder. There was nothing... Just... Nothing left.
And then he was in someone's arms. Someone warm and kind, who nuzzled his head. He looked up into wide blue eyes, and an unusually large nose. A silk gloved hand stroked his head, the kindness of a mother.
"Shh, shh... It's all right, it's all right," the woman murmured in strangely accented Japanese. "It's all right... What's your name?"
"I-Ikari Shinji," he mumbled through his tears. The woman smiled.
"It's all right... Tell me... Where are you going?"
"I... I don't know," Shinji muttered. The woman sniffed with her large, unusual nose.
"Well! I know exactly where you're going. Home. With moi." She beamed.
And Shinji... Found himself smiling back.
"You can't be serious!"
"I am completely serious. Look at him, he needs us! He needs me!"
"You can't just do this on a whim-"
"Look at his face! Is this a whim? Is this the kind of thing I'm prone to doing for no good reason? Kermie, look at him. He's all alone. His father just abandoned him, just left him there, after his mother died. I've done my research."
"... You want me to call this favor in... Because you're feeling maternal..."
"I want you to call in this favor because this boy lost his mother, and his father... And he needs me. And I... I think I need him."
"... He really means that much to you?"
"There's something about him I can't help but love... And you know how I am about those."
"... Get me my phone, Fozzie."
"Right, yes sir, yes sir..."
Nine Years Later...
"Let me get this straight," Gendo said flatly, glaring over the desk at the man assigned to raise his son, "you have been getting paid, in full, to lie to me about where the Third Child is."
The teacher sweated, but managed to keep himself composed. "Not... Not just paid. The er... Lady who took him was very persuasive."
"You knew how I would react," Gendo said.
"Yes, I did," the teacher said. "But the price... The price was right."
"I sincerely hope it was worth it," Gendo stated. "Now tell me... Who was it you let have the Third Child?"
The man took a deep breath. He sighed. "He's in America... In Los Angeles... With..."
He took another deep breath... And told him. Gendo stared in disbelief.
"... You have got to be kidding me..."
"Shinji! Come now! You don't want to be late for your karate lesson!" Miss Piggy said, striding into the stage area of the Muppet Theater. She looked around with a grimace. "Shinji! SHinjjiiiiii!"
She saw her green frog beau standing by the stage, flipping through a clipboard. "Kermit! Where is Shinji?"
"Hm? Oh, Gonzo had something planned and Shinji was enthused about trying-"
"Gonzo. Gonzo is trying a stunt that involves Shinji," Miss Piggy growled. While motherhood had softened her looks, brought out true beauty in the pig, but it had made her fury more powerful. Kermit gulped, and looked at his notes.
"He swore to me that he's in no danger... He's just..."
The curtains parted. Shinji was standing by a larger gatling gun, stuffed with rubber chickens. Gonzo was on the other side, wearing lederhosen and Mickey Mouse Ears.
"Ready?" Gonzo cried.
"READY!" Shinji shouted. He pulled the trigger, and fired the gun. Rubber chickens left the barrels of the gun at 1,000 rounds per minute. Gonzo was pummeled with the rubber chickens, and soon buried under a pile of them.
"... Et tu, Brutus?" Gonzo croaked.
Shinji bowed. "Ta da!" He said happily. He winced. "Oh... Hi Mom."
"What did I tell you about participating in Gonzo's ridiculous acts?" Piggy asked flatly. Shinji huffed.
"Not to be in front of the barrel, yes... But I'm not!"
"No, but you should tell me first!" Piggy ordered. Her face softened. "But you defied me! I will admit, I'm only a little angry. Mostly impressed."
"This was Kermit's idea," Shinji said.
"Don't bring me into this!" Kermit said quickly.
"Well, now I'm even angrier," she growled.
"Mail call!" Scooter said, coming in. "Hey, Shinji! You got a letter!" The little muppet handed the letter to Shinji. He opened it up and frowned.
"... 'Come'?" He asked. "And... A picture of a..." Shinji blushed. Scooter looked over his shoulder, as did Kermit. Scooter whistled.
"Wow! What a looker!"
"Huh! When your dad calls you back home, he doesn't mess around," Kermit observed. Piggy looked over their shoulders and glared.
"WHAT?! Your-Your father sent you lewd pictures of-of some SCARLET WOMAN?!" She glared at Scooter and Kermit. "AND YOU TWO ARE ENCOURAGING HIM?!"
"No, wait-!" Kermit tried.
"Not the face!" Scooter yelped.
Yes, I am crazy.