"Just once, Logan."
Those three words served as a painful reminder of the past that Logan simply hadn't been able to share with Scott. It served as a reminder of the life that Scott had known before Logan had arrived at the school, yet with those three words everything had changed. With a snarl Logan extended his claws slashing everything around him without hesitation. Two hours into the Danger Room routine and he'd found himself met with an unmistakable fury—caught up in the overwhelming jealousy when he slashed at the phantoms around him. With a roar Logan spun on his heel feeling the man in him overtaken by the beast, lost in a sea of rage and anger when he closed his eyes and thought back to the previous evening when he had Scott in his bed ready to take finally their relationship with one another to the next level beyond the fighting and the façades that they surrounded themselves with when Jean was still around.
"Logan," Scott breathed twisting beneath the weight of Logan's body when their kissing had led them down that same familiar path of groping one another. Time and time again it had left them both wanting more, needing a deeper physical connection, yet Logan held back refusing to cross that line with Scott until he felt Scott was truly ready to move forward, "I want you."
"I want you too Slim," Logan confessed kissing those same lush, ripe lips that had tempted him time and time again. He could remember the way Scott seemed to melt in his hands. He found himself longing for the warmth of Scott's flesh against his burning logic from his mind when they'd wound up naked with one another, caught up in tangled limbs and blankets preparing to cross the line from reluctant colleagues to full-fledged lovers, "but…"
"But what?" Scott's eager voice had questioned.
"I just want you to be sure," Logan confessed pulling back to search Scott's flushed features. Without the luxury of Scott's eyes before him there were so many things he couldn't see, yet he'd found himself longing to with each passing second, "If we do this—if we cross this line, then I need to know if…"
"What?" Scott asked reaching out to brush his fingertips over the stubble on the left side of Logan's face.
"I just want to make sure that you're ready. This isn't going to be like it was with Jean and I just don't want to hurt you," Logan confessed knowing the depths of rage buried beneath his inner beast.
"You won't hurt me," Scott assured him while arching up to collect Logan's mouth in a kiss, "Besides, it's not the first time I've ever…"
"You mean?" Logan paused when he withdrew from the kiss, "You've been…?"
"With a man?" Scott finished for him with a nod, "Yes."
"When?" Logan questioned uneasily.
"A long time ago," Scott hesitated when Logan felt tension coiling over Scott's slender frame.
"Was it….?" Logan inquired feeling another spike of jealousy burning through his veins.
"Just once, Logan," Scott stated simply offering up no other detail about the man he'd shared himself with at a time before Logan had been in his life, "It was before I was with Jean."
"Once," Logan had repeated struggling to take it all in when they were alerted that there was an emergency outside of the walls of the school. That had prompted the team to leave the mansion, putting aside any and all thoughts of temptation between Scott and Logan. However, even out on the mission Scott's words haunted him. With each move Scott made
Logan found him struggling to figure out who Scott had been with.
"Hank," a voice inside his head questioned when he thought of the man that had been lingering around the mansion recently. He and Scott had come together around the same time at the mansion and it seemed that Scott had a certain affinity for the good Dr. Mccoy, which had been more than enough to make Logan question Scott's history before he'd fallen into love with Jean. The more Logan thought about it, the angrier he was pondering if Hank had been the man Scott had given himself to in his youth, long before he'd offered his heart to Jean. Then again what if it had been someone else? Someone with darker intentions that had left Scott feeling emotionally scarred and…
"He wants you," a voice inside of him attempted to point out, "He doesn't have any reservations about this, yet…"
"Someone else had him first," Logan roared slashing at the air around him when a predatory, pulsating rage coiled over his body. It was enough to drive him forward, to forget about logic and reason when he found himself thinking about his attachment to Scott. Even though he knew he had no right to claim anything more than what they had between them, the idea of Scott being with anyone else bothered him. Heaven knew Logan had no right to be concerned given his less than upstanding history, yet Scott had seemed perfect in his eyes. Even in his relationship with Jean he'd seemed so young, so naïve and innocent in ways that someone with Scott's life never should've experienced. He was uptight and rigid in his sense of duty and order, yet when it came to passion and love Scott had come across as inexperienced and vulnerable except for the man that Logan realized had stolen Scott's innocence. Then again had it been stolen? Was it ripped away from him by a monster or offered up readily by a trusting Scott who had hoped for more from the man he'd allowed into his life? Had the man simply taken his body and walked away prompting Scott to simply settle for a life with Jean or did he still have a piece of Scott's heart on some deep, repressed level? That idea in itself was worse than the one where Scott was draped in another man's arms, wrapped up in his bed and experiencing things that Logan had yet to share with him.
Infuriated by the thought Logan snarled, huffing and puffing with each violent slash his claws made through the material before him. With each step his fury expanded him causing him to tear the room down around him. Each simulated sentinel was left in pieces, tattered to shreds like Logan wanted to do with the man Scott had given himself to in the past. The anger surged inside of him, overwhelming in his attack that he hadn't been aware that he wasn't alone any longer until he finally took in the scent of Scott. A moment later the program was terminated leaving him to the darkness of the room.
"What the hell are you doing Logan?" Scott's voice carried a deep disapproval in his tone.
"You shouldn't have done that," Logan spun around to face the man who'd consumed his thoughts, who up until the previous evening he'd been overly cautious with in regards to his innocence, yet in seeing Scott stand before him he found that there were still so many things that they hadn't known about one another.
"You've been in here so long that I figured not even your healing factor would keep you from killing yourself if I didn't stop this," Scott marched in closer to him, "What the hell is your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," Logan insisted turning away from him.
"Bullshit," Scott asserted, "You've been different since we left for our mission. You were less inclined to take orders than usual…"
"I never follow orders Slim. You of all people should know that," Logan rolled his shoulders back dismissively.
"Even so you wouldn't even look at me. When we got back here you walked away without so much as a word. I waited in your room and…" Scott's voice revealed the pain in his tone.
"I needed to burn off some extra energy," Logan replied dismissively.
"I don't believe it," Scott's tone shifted, "You're upset with me, aren't you?"
"No," Logan hesitated in his response.
"Yes," Scott stepped forward, "you are. Ever since last night…"
"Who was it?" Logan questioned turning around to face Scott once again.
"What?" Scott replied with a scowl.
"The guy you were with," Logan prompted him further, "Who was he Scott? Was it Hank?"
"Hank," Scott practically choked on the words, "you can't be serious Logan? Is that what's bothering you? You think that Hank and I…"
"You have a history with one another. It makes sense that he was the one that…" Logan remarked sourly.
"You're in here doing this because you think that Hank and I," Scott fought to repress the laugh that carried over his lips.
"I saw the way he was looking at you earlier Slim. There's something about him I don't trust and…" Logan continued with a low roar.
"It wasn't Hank," Scott's frown returned again, "and for you to be getting upset like this over…"
"Over the fact that some other man had you when…" Logan scowled.
"When what? You wanted to be the first?" Scott questioned in a neutral voice, "Does it really bother you that much to imagine me with someone else when…"
"I had to endure it with you and Jeanie," Logan blurted out with a shake of his head, "but now in knowing that there's another man out there who…"
"Fuck you Logan," Scott spat back at him defensively, "I don't owe you any answers about my history. It shouldn't matter with where we are now."
"I know it shouldn't, but your mine now…" Logan hesitated feeling as if he'd crossed the line into full blown hypocrisy.
"You don't even remember your past," Scott's knuckles clenched at his sides, "and I've never once made you feel as if you'd have to explain yourself or…"
"I know it shouldn't matter, but…" Logan fought to find the words when a growl carried over his lips, "I don't like it."
"I don't care. The fact to the matter is that neither one of us can change the past or…" Scott opened his mouth to protest when Logan lunged forward reaching out to seize Scott in his thick, oversized, muscular arms.
"Did you want him Slim?" Logan found himself gazing at the lush, scowling lips before him, "Did you crave him the ways in which I want you now? When it happened, was it what you truly wanted?"
"Don't do this to yourself, Logan," Scott frowned.
"You opened the door last night," Logan squeezed Scott in closer to his chest, "Did you ache for him?"
"Yes," Scott answered tightly, "more than anything I wanted him."
"You wanted him," Logan frowned.
"That's right," Scott nodded, "I needed him. Like the air I breathed. From the first moment we crossed paths I knew that when he came to me for that I'd never refuse."
"What happened?" Logan questioned when Scott stiffened in his arms.
"He left me," Scott's voice was distanced when he tipped his head to the side, "I spent one incredible night with him, but the next morning he was gone."
"Why?" Logan inquired.
"I don't know. You tell me," Scott forced himself to look at Logan again, "Do you think I'm worth keeping around after one night of passion?"
"This isn't about us. It's about…" Logan offered up when Scott shoved him in the chest and detangled himself from Logan's arms.
"Fuck you Logan!" Scott snapped in recoil, "Fuck you for thinking you have the right to be angry about any of this when I'm the one who had to go through and pretend as if it never happened. I'm the one that had to repress that part of my life for the greater good of everyone around me. Every day I think about it and every day I'm reminded of why I can't go back there to the one night when everything in my life felt right. You, on the other hand, simply fall behind the excuse that fate's given you since you can't remember anything in your past."
"Scott, look I know that…" Logan began watching the anger carry over Scott.
"No, you don't have the first clue what holding this in has done to me," Scott glared at him from his positioning across the room, "You have no idea what it's like to experience something so special that it changes you only to realize that it's a memory that you alone carry with you. Sure, maybe you had your past stolen from you Logan, but mine was taken from me as well. Believe me it's a hell of a lot worse when the thought lingers and there isn't a damn thing you can do to change it because you know you can't go back. Hell, even going forward doesn't feel easy anymore. Then again maybe that in itself is a sign."
"Scott," Logan frowned as Scott stomped out of the Danger Room without so much as a second glance leaving Logan to stew in his anger.
Logan made his way down to his bedroom fully intending on spending the night alone after Scott's outburst. Granted on some level he'd known he deserved the rage, yet on another he'd feared what a night alone with his overactive imagination and nightmares would bring to him without Scott in his arms. However, his fears were put to rest when he discovered Scott seated on the foot of his bed looking even tenser than he'd been when he'd left the Danger Room.
"Scott," Logan opened his mouth to apologize after he'd closed the bedroom door behind him to give them privacy.
"I was sixteen at the time Logan," Scott's face was tipped forward refusing to meet Logan's expectant eyes, "I'd just been through hell when it happened. Stryker's men had kidnapped me. They ripped me right out of my school and I was terrified…"
"Slim, you don't owe me any answers about," Logan attempted to offer Scott an out when Scott finally looked over at him.
"Yes, I do," Scott insisted twisting his fingers together in his lap, "I was so young Logan. As I said I was terrified, yet even through all of the torture I'd always hoped there would be someone out there who would save me. Granted Xavier eventually took me home with him, but there was a period of time when another man came to the compound. He was a victim of Stryker's as well and even though I couldn't see him…"
Logan watched Scott fall to silence again.
"He was so kind to me. I don't think he intended to be, but when he found me I was practically helpless," Scott gulped down harder, "He saved me from my cell. He helped me escape and before Charles arrived—things happened. There were others who needed help and I tried. I won't get into the details, but while in captivity the man who saved me changed something in me. We were only with one another for a short time, but…"
"But what…?" Logan questioned.
"We had a connection. He was hesitant to explore it, but times were so desperate and," Scott took in an uneasy breath, "we made love Logan. I don't think either one of us anticipated it happening when it did. Even after I'd often wondered it was a dream, but there was always something that wouldn't leave me. A part of me didn't want to let go, yet I forced myself to try to forget. I wanted to forget after I knew I'd never see him again, yet…"
"He was a fool to leave you," Logan softened his tone when Scott slumped his shoulders over and sighed.
"I thought so," Scott bit down on his lower lip, "but then after a while I realized it wasn't his fault. Charles explained to me later that it wasn't his choice to leave."
"What do you mean?" Logan watched Scott twist at his fingers once again.
"Stryker stole me from him much like he did most of his other memories," Scott raised his chin up again, "He wasn't with me because he didn't remember me. I didn't think I'd see him again until that moment Charles sent me out on a mission to find him and…"
"You mean you've been in contact with him?" Logan frowned when anger pumped through his veins.
Scott nodded, "I have."
"And does he…" Logan hesitated, "does he remember you?"
"No," Scott shook his head simply.
"Do you want him to?" Logan lowered his voice when he watched Scott's lower lip tremble with uneasiness.
"More than anything," Scott confessed in an impassioned tone, "Now more than ever considering that he's standing before me jealous of the man he was before when I was a skinny, frightened, clueless boy who offered myself to him all those years ago."
"Wait, are you saying that…" Logan's eyes widened in astonishment.
"It was you Logan. It's always been you," Scott blurted out with guilt crossing over his features, "I've known it from the first time I heard your voice in Charles' office. When you grabbed me I knew…I realized that…"
"You're saying that you and I," Logan's words tapered off.
"Jean knew," Scott lowered his head once again, "She saw it in my head almost immediately. She was surprised, yet…"
"Intrigued, but really all I wanted was for you to remember me," Scott divulged quietly, "Even though I was with Jean I wanted you to want me again like you did that night—like you did before you left."
"Slim, I—I had no idea that…" Logan confessed with a sigh.
"I know and I wanted you to remember on your own. I was hoping it would come to you, but then last night when we were here," Scott's fingers tapered off over the sheet beneath him, "Right before we were about to make love…"
"You were hoping that it would return to me," Logan realized, "When you told me you'd been with another man you were really saying that…"
"I was with you Logan," Scott explained shakily, "You're the only man I've ever been with and the only one I'd ever want to be with for that matter."
"Slim I…" Logan found himself at a loss when he stepped forward to take a seat on the edge of the bed beside Scott. Saying nothing he reached out to take Scott's long, slender fingers in his. He offered up a small squeeze before tipping his head to the side and scrutinizing Scott's sad features, "I wish I could remember."
"So do I," Scott finally sighed with disappointment carrying over his posture.
"Maybe over time I will," Logan conceded when Scott let out an ironic laugh.
"At this point I'm guessing not," Scott tipped his head to the side to look at Logan behind his ruby colored glasses, "Then again I've never really been much of an optimist."
"Neither have I, but…" Logan's gaze dropped down to Scott's full, pouting lips, "if I left that kind of impression on you those years ago, then it must say something."
"You're hard to forget Logan," Scott's breath quickened as he raised his chin up, "and even worse to remember when you leave."
"Scott, I had no idea that…" Loan hesitated before reaching out to touch the side of Scott's face. He brushed his thumb over the hollow of Scott's cheekbone before speaking up again, "You were really sixteen?"
Scott nodded, "You had your reservations about it, but not as much as you have about us now."
"So I really just…" Logan's gaze lingered to Scott's mouth once again.
"Yeah," Scott offered up a crooked half smirk, "and it was nice."
"Nice, huh?" Logan cracked a small grin, "How nice?"
"Nice enough that I might be tempted to try it again," Scott divulged leaning in to Logan's touch, "although you were a little rough around the edges I suppose."
"You like rough around the edges," Logan remarked bending down to sample a taste of the lips he'd been obsessing over for longer than he could remember.
"I might," Scott breathed, his words buzzing against Logan's lips when his long, slender arms moved in around Logan's shoulders, "although if we ever do this again, then we're going to have to really work on making sure it's a memorable experience for both of us."
"Trust me," Logan's lips tapered off over the side of Scott's neck, "being with you is something I would never willingly forget."
"Yet we both know you don't have an inkling of a memory about it," Scott arched away from him with a scowl.
"Yes, but you remember it all in very vivid detail," Logan answered with a small sigh, "which means one of two things. Either I go to Chuck again and ask him to try to help me fill in the blanks, which I'm pretty sure might be crossing a line he doesn't want to get into."
"Or?" Scott arched a speculative brow behind his lenses.
"You could help me fill in the blanks," Logan wiggled his brow suggestively, "Do you think you'll have a problem with that?"
"Lucky for you Logan," Scott reached out to embrace him once again, "I have a penchant for the details."
"Somehow I knew you would," Logan replied leaning in to kiss Scott once again as he found himself wanting more than anything to remember the past he'd shared with the man he'd fully intended on sharing a future with.