Doctor Who and the Big Fat Man


The Doctor's sleigh ride

By Lorraine Anderson

With apologies to Clement Clarke Moore

Twas the night before Christmas, and the Doctor had landed,

The Daleks defeated, the Time Lords were stranded,

Centuries had passed since that fateful year,

And he looked up at the stars with a little tiny tear.

Rose was with his double in another dimension,

And Martha had chosen to leave for another station,

Donna had forgotten him and was again on the phone,

And another Christmas, he was entirely alone.

Then in the Tardis, there arose such a clatter,

The Doctor sprang inside to see what was the matter.

To the control room, he flew like a flash,

And through the control room with a certain panache,

The back door was open, the Doctor ventured inside,

The air was cold, freezing like a cold yuletide,

Fog was filling the halls, the Doctor thought he saw snow.

And the pool door was open. Now why would that be so?

He heard the clatter of hoofs, and a slight little ho,

The fog cleared, and he frowned, and he went in tippy-toe,

The big man was looking at his miniature sleigh,

Stuck in the swimming pool, and the Doctor said,"Hey!"

"I thought you were dead," he said with a bound

And the man turned and stared, not making a sound,

He was chubby and plump, a right somber old elf,

And the Doctor backed up, in spite of himself.

"Um, I see you still have your flying reindeer,"

The Doctor said, with a tiny bit of justified fear,

"And your Tardis, all tied up and over your back,

Cleverly disguised like a tiny toy sack."

"I'm glad you're not dead," the Doctor said with humility.

"I feared that my actions were fraught with futility,

I didn't want to kill any of the good Gallifreyans,

So I gave them a universe of their own to stay in."

He ground to a halt, and the big man just stared,

The Doctor had never seen the big elf just glare,

"I had to do it," he said down to the ground,

"Time Lords were killing this world, and the space all around."

The man finally relented, and he spoke with a smile,

"I'm not mad at you, and haven't been for a while.

See, I had left Gallifrey quite a long time ago,

I could see what was coming, and knew I should go."

"I've developed a fondness for the young of this Earth,

They're so innocent and loving, and are from their birth,

I've become quite the icon," grinned the jolly old elf,

And the Doctor laughed when he saw him, in spite of himself.

"Father Christmas," he said, "Why'd you stop wearing Green?"

"Red," Santa said, "is more easily seen,

And I'm using the close cousin of my Gallifrey name..."

"Sinterclauselian," said the Doctor, "Almost the same."

"I was just about to go upon my once yearly ride,

When your Tardis decided to suck me inside,"

He looked at his sleigh, and he shook his old head.

And the Doctor said, "Sorry, let me unstick your sled."

He glared up around, and the pool then unfroze,

And the reindeer pulled the sled to the poolside snows,

A window opened up, and the Doctor did stare,

And wondered when the Tardis put an opening there.

"I really must be going," said the man, quite regretfully,

"Must you?" said the Doctor, sincerely, but fretfully,

"Why don't you come with me?" said the Elf, with a grin,

And the Doctor, not stopping, jumped his self right there in.

"I've always wanted to see how you bend time and space,

To deliver the toys in one night, and jump place to place,"

"Oh, it's easy," said the Claus, in a bright breezy air,

"You just bend time right here, and you fold time right there."

"Oh, easy," said the Doctor, as he bent his head down,

"I wonder that I hadn't figured it out before," he said with a frown.

And the Claus smiled at him, and took up the reins,

And said "you remember the reindeer's names?"

"I do, " said the Doctor, and Sinter just smiled,

And the Doctor yelled out, with his usual style,

"Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! On, Donner and Blitzen!"

The sleigh disappeared through the hole in the wall,

And the Doctor had a very good Christmas, after all,

And he heard Claus exclaim as they departed quite hastily

"So, have you heard from Meripopindular* lately?"

* For Meripopindular's story, see s/4480217/1/Meripopindular, in which I suggest that Mary Poppins is the Doctor's sister.