Disclaimer: This is not the Kishimoto you are looking for. You should look in Japan for him. Move along now…to the actual fic.
(Also, do not ask about Lucas.)

Rating: T

Warnings: mild language, some spoilers, a few well-veilled sexual references, parodic overtones, blatant avoidance of Japanese suffixes.

Canon: early enough as makes no difference, far as I know. Could fit in either world.

Pairings: one-sided Sakura/Sasuke, onesided Hinata/Naruto. Whether these would develop any further is up for debate…or omake.

Summary: In which an 11-year-old Naruto discovers by chance the concept of 'girl friends' a little earlier and more blatantly than otherwise. Carries up as a whole to Team 7's formation.

Fans Anonymous

Chapter 1: Artistic License Strikes Again!

—ox-oxo-xo—

"…and I really think we should just be friends…"

These were the words that ultimately changed a young Naruto's life for the better upon hearing them. Specifically, his…shall we say, turbulent relationship with his Academy classmate, Sakura Haruno.

Interestingly, however, Sakura wasn't the one to say these fateful words. In fact she wasn't anywhere in the vicinity.

In fact, the deathknell of romantic doom wasn't even directed at him.

—ox-oxo-xo—

In order to understand why these words had such an effect on Naruto, it must first be understood that for much of his life the newly-turned twelve-year-old had been forced to formulate his social skills by drawing upon a wide, eclectic array of sources both willing and unwitting.

The friendly proprietors of Ichiraku's Ramen had perhaps the largest influence on the young jinchuuriki's 'public' face – always smiling, and usually quite loud (not exactly the logical choice for ninja, but certainly fitting for the staff of a food stand). The constant succession of hostile villagers and their invective merely strengthened the 'loud' part (everyone's angry and either ignoring or yelling at you? Well, yell back at them!), adding a fairly impressive selection of curses to make a sailor blush and all three 'Densetsu no Sannin' scoff at the sheer physical impossibility of the profanities described. Throw in supercilious chuunin and the odd silent ANBU, the kindly Old Man Hokage and the sneering Academy instructors, and toss in the frequent portrait in exasperation from Sensei Iruka while you're at it.

Now cram all that in a metaphorical blender until it overflows, shove the lid down and crank that mother up to its maximum setting. Watch it explode out and splatter in chunky bits all over the bench, the walls, and everything else in the vicinity. And finally, take whatever's left in the jug and throw it at Naruto – and thank your lucky stars that he's a fictional character and therefore can't prank you in retaliation.

Got all that? Now consider the unfortunate but highly entertaining fact that many of these people are Konoha ninja, and would therefore be declared clinically insane en masse if the clinic wasn't also run by Konoha ninja.

The upshot of all this? The appellation of 'Konoha's Most Surprising Ninja (to be)', applied further to Naruto's social skills: sure, he could surprise just about anyone sometimes, but that still wouldn't stop Orochimaru from driving Manda through half the gaps while the Kyuubi played Nine-Tails Twister with the rest of them (Kyuubi not being much for Dance Dance Revolution, having stomped the would-be inventors back during the October 10th Stompathon…praise Kyuubi).

Next, Naruto's actual personality must be taken into account. The relevant traits to keep in mind here could be phrased in such terms as 'prone to selective fixation' (jutsu, ramen, Sakura, awesome headwear, etc.), along with 'attention span of a hyperactive eleven-year-old' (self-explanatory)… as well as the (perhaps overly long-winded) 'curious like the quadripedal tailed beast with pointy ears, fur and whiskers that isn't actually a cat but can be mistaken for one because it's so damn curious'.

So when Naruto Uzumaki heard the life-changing truism in question, he was in fact hiding in a bush near a relatively secluded clearing, having come to spy on the pair of pubescent chuunin on the off-chance that (1) they might show off a cool jutsu that he could try to work out later, or that (2) they might show off some lovey-dovey behaviour that Sakura would probably expect him to know about when she inevitably became his girlfriend even if he did find parts of the concept a little icky, with the ever-present each-way bet on (3) one or both of them doing something funny. But he was quickly disappointed and soon began losing interest when the couple began to exude a dreary miasma of melodrama and foreshadowed tragedy that reminded him of Sasuke's fangirls in 'Heartbroken Sigh of Saaasuke's Rejection' Mode.

So it was that he continued to listen with half an ear, torn between encroaching daydreams of awesome jutsus and/or impressing Sakura (that much at least, he had no problems with!) and toying with the idea of just pranking the uncooperative pair on his way out. And so it was that all three lines of inquiry tangled each other up and fell over as the 'unpredictable' part of him decided to drop in and pay up its tab.

"…and I really think we should just be friends…"

Incidentally, the male chuunin rejected that purported offer of 'friendship' in time-honoured fashion and they both stormed off in opposite directions. This was a good thing for Naruto Uzumaki, as there was thus no witness to his voice subsequently ringing across the clearing:

"…YOU CAN JUST BE FRIENDS WITH GIRLS…?"

…

A few miles away, in the Hokage's Tower, Hiruzen Sarutobi sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. This was just sad.

Hey, don't knock it. Even Hokage need entertainment sometimes.

…

…Well, no material witness. Not that he was in any condition to notice either way, given that Naruto was in the grip of an epiphany.

'All this time, there's a DIFFERENCE between girlfriends and girl friends…? Why the hell did I never spot that?' Because it all made such sense now! Girl friends to just be friends with, friends who just happened to be girls – girls to talk with, and play games with, and go out and eat with, and just treat like normal friends! (Not that he had any, but he saw friends doing that all the time, so that had to be right didn't it?) And as for that 'girlfriend' stuff, that was what all the sticky kissing and naughty touching was for! No wonder it had felt creepy when he thought about it – he'd been thinking the wrong thing all this time! 'Man, no wonder Sakura always got so mad! She wouldn't want to do that any more than me!'

Then the 'attention span' issue kicked in. Only, instead of blasting his train of thought through the side of the tunnel and into the Great Broth-Lake of RAMEN! or something similar, it blasted his train of thought off on a related tangent through sheer luck (read: artistic license).

'…Yes she would… just…not with me. I bet she'd do it with the Bastard, though.' He wasn't stupid. (For a hyperactive eleven-year-old, at least.) All the things he did when he thought he wanted a girlfriend, Sakura did when she was around Sasuke. She even did other things, like stalk the bastard. And it wasn't just her, either – just about every girl in their class did it. Ino, Ami, hell, pretty much all of them except Hinata did it.

Maybe that was another difference between boys and girls? Apart from the obvious. This was the future creator of the Oroike no Jutsu, after all – not to mention the mandatory 'this is how babies are made, so don't do it unless you want a baby or you're ordered to do it by the Hokage and/or your clan head' lecture back in the Academy that even Naruto had been certain to pay attention to because he didn't want a kid yet. Maybe they all wanted babies with Sasuke? But what was so damned great about the Uchiha? 'Heh, and he hates it too. Just goes "Hn," the emo bastard…'

Naruto sniggered, momentarily cheered over the constant entertainment of Sasuke in agony over his legion of fangirls. Then his attention span issue wandered back in and slammed his face into the sewer, again with unusual, fortuitous accuracy.

Well, metaphorically. Certainly he felt like he'd rolled around in a sewer afterwards.

'Oh kami, I'M A FANBOY…!'

And it got worse, like his face was being pinned down in the shit.

'Oh kami, I'M FANBOYING OVER SAKURA LIKE SHE IS WITH SASUKE!'

…Now that tasted foul. Not in a million years would he have inflicted the perfumed hell that was fangirls on anyone he cared about. And yet he'd done it to Sakura, only without the perfume.

'…No wonder she doesn't like me…'

The thing about having so very few people willing to call you 'friend', even if for only a week before their mother got to them and made them leave you alone again: you never learned how much it hurt to let them down.

But Naruto's worldview did not allow for cowardice. He had wronged a girl who he would call friend. So, the only thing to do was to make it right!

Ending A/N: So, a short one to start with. The other chapters (four more, total) are undergoing final draft, and should be up within the week. Epilogues in omake-form to follow – got a few bouncing around in there.

So, yeah. Review and stuff? Tips on how to do it better? Etcetera? In the meantime, thanks (or screw you too! Whichever fits better…) and I hope you enjoy the next instalment.