A Modest Proposal


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Topic: A Modest Proposal

In: Boards ► Break Room
All-Seeing Eyes (Original Poster)

Posted on June 27th, 2011:

Our present situation, dear readers, is dire. Our world, our civilisations, our communities are under threat of annihilation by three monsters. I refer, of course, to the Endbringers, who attack on a rotating basis leaving little but devastation in their wakes. No one knows why they time their outings in this manner, although many have speculated. My own personal theory is that they are attempting to maximise our existential dread in order to give us the best apocalypse possible. How nice of them.

Naturally, no good apocalypse is complete without some resistance and our resistance comes in the form of parahumans. Now, your friendly neighbourhood parahuman may be a gallant hero or a skittish supervillain, but in truth there is little difference as both serve humanity by fighting the wily Leviathan or implacable Behomoth. However, there are months between these Endbringer attacks and it would be unreasonable to expect your local parahumans to just sit around making productive uses of their abilities during this time. And so, villains and heroes are born. Of course, no good game of cops and robbers is without oversight and this is where the PRT and Protectorate make their debut. Both excel at their goals, with the former facilitating inter-Endbringer attack activities and the latter co-ordinating parahuman resistance to these attacks.

For example, take the hilarious Brockton Bay duo Über and Leet. Their nerd related hijinks amuse us all on a near weekly basis and provide a welcome reprieve from our hopeless situation. Now, they may break a law – or a prostitute – now and then, but that's what the PRT are for. They cart our smiling boys away so that justice can be served and so they can be out to entertain us next week. And when it comes to Endbringer attacks, these two are just vital to the resistance effort. Can you imagine what the world would be like if the inflexible, pre-PRT system of justice prevailed over these two boys? The thought is so scary that I won't even try. The same applies, even to our less entertaining parahumans. The murders, the drugs, the occasional ensalvement, these are all just minor nuisances compared to the Endbringer attacks. For example, if the PRT had cracked down on the Empire Eighty-Eight before Leviathan hit Brockton Bay, the damage would have been much worse and the embarrassment immeasurable.

And really, if Lustrum was Alexandria, then who wouldn't forgive her a daily castration

Unfortunately, dear readers, a remnant of the old system still remains – The Birdcage! I can hardly believe that Dragon, world-renown for her tinkering and sheer intellect, would have created such a thing. I can only suppose that some dastardly higher-up in the Protectorate is strong-arming her, otherwise she wouldn't stand for such an inefficient solution to bad P.R.

My friends, I propose that the Birdcage be abolished!

We desperately need its residents to fight the Endbringers, as can be seen through our recent poor showings on the battlefield. Why don't we just admit this? Is not honesty the best policy? Let's take some examples from the birdcage to show how this could easily work:

1.) Glaistig Uaine: As Queen of the Faeries she'll add some sorely needed class to our efforts – the occasional stolen child is a small price to pay.

2.) Canary: This recent birdcagee would be an amazing boost to morale. Just have her sing before jetting off to fight the Simurgh and stay happy as the harpy screeches into your soul. The occasional enslavement is a pittance compared to the boon this could bring us.

3.) Crane the Harmonious: Most parahumans can't throw a punch and with Crane out they'll sorely regret that as she'll train them up so we can pit them afresh against the Endbringers. Handing her a few children every few years isn't a problem. After all, those adoption lists are rather extensive these days.

4.) The Marquis: Courtesy and chivalry is in short supply these days and the addition the suave bone-meister would be more than welcome. His motivational methods are another plus – can't have the men slacking off now can we?

I'm sure you good people can think of many more examples of parahumans that would be of great benefit if not imprisoned in the birdcage. As you can see, the world would be a much better place if it were abolished – for us all, parahuman and non-parahuman alike.

The truth of this proposal is self-evident. I only ask that you see it.

Ciao.

(Showing page 1 of 4)

Darth Chevalier (Unverified Normal)
I hope this is a joke. Bad taste, OP.

Literally_Hitler
You do know that nobody of importance will see this, OP?

Tin_Mother (Moderator)
All-Seeing Eyes: This post seems like bait for questionable content. One strike from you and it'll be locked.

AllTrades
An excellent proposal, All-Seeing Eyes. You have my support.

Vista (Verified Cape)
We do our BEST to keep Über and Leet off the streets. I really don't like those guys.

Top_Hat
Vista: I guess you don't play many video games then.

Vista (Verified Cape)
Top_Hat: What's that got to do with anything?
Top_Hat
Tin_Mother: Language warning. Vista's a minor. Two day ban.

OursIsTheSlurpee
Can we go a thread without a banning? Also, how are you EVERYWHERE?

Tin_Mother (Moderator)
OursIsTheSlurpee: If we can go a thread without someone swearing at a child, then yes.

Coffee, mostly.

GirlOnFire
Assuming this is serious, OP has some issues.

AllTrades
GirlOnFire: Honesty, mostly. However, that can be worked on.

Tanuki_Troubles (Candide)
OP and AllTrades are cynics. This kind of view of human nature is partially why things aren't going so well. We all need to take a more positive outlook. :)

AllTrades
Tanuki_Troubles: On the contrary, I revel in human nature.

ZYZA:
The OP's logic is all over the place. This whole rant is random and disjointed, not to mention vaguely disgusting.

Orcs...
Does anyone know why Glaistig is in the Birdcage to begin with? Didn't she kill some of the Slaughterhouse 9?

OP makes a good point about Alexandria and Lustrum. Would we put up with the Femin zi if she could fight Endbringers?

Vigo
Orcs...: Probably. Hell, you could have Panacea in the other room after Lustrum, eh, "relieves" herself.

Private message from Tin_Mother:

Tin_Mother: Watch yourself. You've come close to rule breaking lately.

All-Seeing Eyes: Just blowing off steam. My mind gets away from me sometimes. :)