Destiny: Secret Love By Kate O'Riley

Time: Starts about five seconds after "Caretaker" Rating: PG Codes: J/C

Captain's personal log, supplemental; I once thought the universe was such a huge place. I've just discovered I was wrong. And right. Since my last log entry, I've been too busy to add anything. Suffice it to say, Voyager's been thrown into the Delta Quadrant. We've got a 70,000 light year journey ahead of us. Something like that makes you think of our galaxy as huge. I suppose it is. It'll take the rest of my life to get back. If I live that long. And of all the people to be thrown into the Delta Quadrant with, it had to be him. And now, he's out there, wearing practically the exact same uniform as I am. On the bridge. In command of my ship. And there's nothing I can do about it. Not unless I want a mutiny. The rest of my life, with the cadet I had the biggest crush on. And still do. He's as handsome as ever. But I'm the captain. There's nothing I can do about it. I have to keep a personal relationship out of this. I know the hazards of being in command. Possibly having to send someone you know on a suicide mission. A friend.a husband. What am I going to do? When I was a freshman at the Academy, I met him. He was a third year cadet. His class was working with mine in the outdoor survival skills. He was assigned to my team. We were randomly selected to see what posts we'd have, and then thrown into the wilderness, to fend on our own. He was team leader. I was in charge of rations. It was one of the first field exercises I'd ever been on. He was the only third year cadet on my team, and so patient with the rest of us, who barely had any clue what we were doing. When the shelter one of the other cadets had constructed fell down, he comforted her. I knew her pretty well, and she'd been having a rough time at the Academy. He helped her out a lot with that, and she told me later that if he hadn't encouraged her, she'd have never gotten through the trip. Seeing his smile when he thanked me for passing him the food I'd collected.He was perfectly polite, patient, quiet. By the time I got back it was a miracle if I made it an half hour without thinking about him. Every time I saw him, my stomach was in knots. Normally, I was so calm, so self assured. When he was around, I was tongue tied and shy. Like the incident in the courtyard.I was so embarrassed. I wanted him to hold me more. But he was just being polite. I got away as quickly as I could, so I wouldn't embarrass myself, or him. I kept track of his career. Then I heard he defected to the Maquis. I was a lieutenant commander at the time. I convinced myself that I had gotten over him. Then, several weeks ago, I was placed in command of Voyager and told to track down a ship commanded by one Chakotay, a former Starfleet officer. Just seeing the pictures of him made all my old feelings return. I felt so dishonest. I'd spent the day looking at his picture. For no reason other than the sheer pleasure of it. Then I spent the evening with Mark. Mark was - is - so.it's hard to say. He's Mark. But Mark never made me feel like Chakotay did.

I just thought of something. Mark is very similar in height to Chakotay, with many of the same traits. Is that why I liked him so much?

Chakotay never even really noticed me. I doubt he remembers me. Oh, but I remember him.

And he's living in the quarters next door to me. And working on my bridge. And sitting in my chair. It's he who gives me reports.

But I have to keep my feelings hidden. Voyager will get home someday, and I'll be able to love him openly.

No. I won't. He'll probably never think of me as anything other than his captain.

Never as someone he loves.

End log.