A/N: So this story is told from Sam's POV and covers from Abandon All Hope to Swan Song. I wanted to give Sam's side, as in the previous stories he kinda comes over as a dick. There's also some back story. Sam and Gabriel's high school romance for those who want to know how that went down.
Chapter 1: Regrets? There Will Always Be More
Sam pressed his fingers into his eyes for the fifth time in as many minutes. It was a battle not to cry, though he knew Dean wouldn't blame him if he did. They'd lost friends. - No, family. They'd lost yet more family and it was all their fault. Actually if he was truthful, at least with himself, it was his fault. Not just because he'd started all this when he released Lucifer. When he'd listened to Ruby instead of his own brother. The brother who'd sold his soul for him. But because there had been a chance he could have save Jo and Ellen. All he would have had to do was pray. One little prayer to an archangel and they wouldn't be stood over a fire mourning again.
But Sam couldn't bring himself to do it, anymore than he could have said yes to the devil. He knew it was selfish but he feared what Gabriel would demand in return. 'Cause all angel's wanted something, right? So he'd stood there and watched as his friend bleed to death, and then as the building was engulfed in a ball of fire.
He stared down at the photograph they'd only taken yesterday. A moment captured in time that was meant to last forever, and would have if Bobby hadn't insisted on burning it. He'd said he couldn't stand to look at it. So there it was, turning to ash, just like the women themselves.
Sam startled suddenly and turned to look to his left. There was nothing there but he felt something. A shift in the air, like just before someone touched you. Inhaling sharply he felt his gut tighten and his head spun at the sudden scent of fresh air and honey. He could taste it on his tongue. Could feel the phantom touch of fingers over his back, biting into his muscles. He stared, his jaw tightening. He was there. Sam couldn't see him, but he knew Gabriel was there.
Anger and frustration bubbled up beneath his skin. He took a calming breath and turned away from the fire and his brother. "I need some air." he murmured, walking silently through the house to the back door. Pausing only long enough to grab a bottle of Bobby's whiskey from the cabinet. Then he yanked open the door furiously and stepped out into the cool night air. He could have called the bastard out right there in front of Dean, but his brother could never know what had happened between them. That's he'd slept with Gabriel. He didn't know if Dean would be disgusted, he really shouldn't be. It wasn't like he'd known it was Gabriel, and it wasn't like he'd slept with him as a guy. He'd thought the bastard was a girl. A girl he'd cared about once upon a time. When he was young and naive. - Though it seemed he was still naive. The past couple of years had taught him that.
Sam stepped down from the back porch and began to make his way across the yard towards the garage. The bottle hanging numbly from his fingers. As he entered the darkened hut, he glanced at the Impala. Still covered in dirt and grime from their trip to Carthage. He knew some of it came from the explosion and he felt his stomach roll at the idea that there might actually be a part of his friends clinging to the car. Sucking in a breath he walked around the vehicle to a stool in the corner. The only light in the place came from the open door and the windows on either side of the garage. Taking a seat, Sam twisted open the lid and instantly threw back half the bottle, because there was no way he could deal with Gabriel sober.
"I know you're there." Sam announced into the darkness, lowering the bottle to sit against his thigh. His voice rough with sadness and pain. "What are you doing here?" he didn't turn to look at the door. He didn't need to. He knew the archangel had followed him into the building. "I told you I'd kill you if I ever saw you again." he reminded him coldly.
The last few weeks, since storming out of Katherine's apartment. - Assuming the place had been hers. Which of course it had to be. It had had all her stuff. Assuming it was really her stuff. - had been a new kind of torture. As much as he didn't want to admit it, he hadn't been able to forget about that night. He'd found himself replaying it on long drives. He dreamt about it and woke hard and frustrated….and sick to his stomach.
"And yet." Gabriel scoffed, sending a spark of fury through Sam. "I just wanted to make sure you hadn't done something stupid."
Sam's head snapped up to glare at the angel with narrow dangerous eyes. He'd done something stupid already. He watched Gabriel lift himself up onto the workbench, his legs instantly beginning to swing back and forth like a child.
Sam turned back to his bottle, throwing back a little more. "Why'd you do it?" he asked roughly the moment he lowered the Jack Daniels. He waited for an answer, hating the way the silence felt suddenly suffocating.
"Why'd I do what Sammy? I've done a lot of things." Gabriel replied flippantly, and Sam's fingers tightened around the neck of the bottle.
"Don't call me Sammy!" he snapped furiously. "You know what I'm talking about. New York?"
"I thought you didn't want my excuses?" the angel scoffed dismissively.
Sam grunted and took another mouthful of whiskey. He wished he'd never come out here. Wished he'd never walked into that bar with Dean. Wished he'd never met Katherine Graves.
"Besides, you wouldn't believe me."
"Probably not." Sam grumbled in agreement.
There was another long pregnant silence. Sam sat staring into the darkness around him, grateful he hadn't switched on the lights. It was easier talking to Gabriel when he couldn't see him.
"I'm sorry about your friends." Gabriel suddenly announced, breaking the eerily comfortable silence.
Sam scoffed. "I don't need your sympathy." he spat viciously.
"I can't stop him you know. - Lucifer." Gabriel said quietly.
Sam felt anger boil over. "Have you even tried?" he snapped; turning to fully meet the archangel's gaze in the moonlight.
"Yes! But you wouldn't listen to me!" he snapped defensively. "Like every other damn human you just ignored my warnings."
"Maybe you should have been clearer!" Sam argued back.
"You mean tell you right out that that demonic whore you were screwing was going to screw you, and turn you into a fucking junkie? That you were destin to be my big brothers prom dress? Huh, and you'd have believe me?"
Sam sucked in a breathe, leaping to his feet and marching furiously towards the archangel. Unsure who he was angrier at. Gabriel was right. He'd tried to warn him. But hindsight was twenty/twenty wasn't it? How was he meant to have known the angel, that he hadn't even known was an angel, was warning him against Ruby? "Maybe if you'd told me who you really were!" he yelled. Getting closer. "Maybe if you'd told me before all of this!"
"You mean when you were fourteen and didn't want anything to do with this life?" Gabriel countered coldly. Aiming directly at one of Sam's many raw nerves.
"Yes! Instead you manipulated me! You lied to me! - You let me….." he cut himself off, throwing the half empty bottle of Jack across the room to shatter into a million pieces. Smiling inwardly at the way the big, tough, dangerous archangel flinched in the shadow of his anger.
"I was hiding. It's not like I planned to cross paths with you. - Besides you hit on me, remember? "
Sam felt his stomach tighten at the smirk that spread across the archangel's face.
"You kissed me."
Sam clenched his fists. "I was fourteen and I thought you were….."
"A girl? I'm technically neither, we're genderless. Ask Cassie."
Sam glared at him. Looking the angel from head to toe, disgust printed all over his face, instantly rising to Gabriel's heckling.
"And may I remind you, Mr high and mighty, that you knew exactly who I was when you were buried ball deep inside me a month ago." the angel spat, victoriously.
Sam's face tightened, his heart pounding manically. His lips turning white as he pressed them into a thin line. His whole body shaking with anger and disgust. When Gabriel smirked once more, it took everything Sam had not to swing for the man.
"Just imagine what it'll feel like in this…."
Sam had no idea why he did it. Why he'd flown at Gabriel, crushing their mouths together. Nothing made sense to him anymore. He just couldn't fight the need to discover if the taste that still lingered on his tongue was Katherine's or the archangel's. He prayed it was the former. It would make things so much simpler. He closed his eyes tight, forcing himself not to think. Just allowing his sense to run riot. He didn't touch though. He pressed his palms against the workbench. Not caring that small splinters and shards of scrap metal bit into his skin. He felt the tug on his hair and couldn't fight the groan rumbling from his chest, just as he couldn't help pressing closer to the angel.
He gasped for breath when Gabriel pulled back. The man dragging his lips down the column of Sam's neck. He curled his fingers into his palms and breathed. His eyes still squeezed shut. His heart racing and as Gabriel's teeth sank into his collarbone, he rocked his hips against the edge of the bench, desperate for some kind of friction.
Then there were warm hands clawing at his bare back, beneath his shirt and reality crashed into him. He scrambled backwards, desperate to get away. Breathing hard. What the hell was with him? He didn't like guys. He hated Gabriel. He glared at the man. It was his fault. He'd tricked him, again. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" he yelled.
"Me? Hey pal, you kissed me! - Again!" Gabriel shouted back, leaping off the work top. He stalked towards Sam. "Don't act like the fucking innocent party here Sammy." he growled.
"You kissed me!" Gabriel interrupted. "Just like you took me to bed, even though you knew who I really was."
"No I didn't!" Sam yelled; standing his ground. Knowing he was lying. He'd know. That's what made it all so much worse. It's what made his stomach curl and crumble in on itself.
"Maybe not at the beginning, but that last time, before you lost your shit and ran for the hills, you knew it was me, and you still fucked me into the mattress. - In fact….." he took another step forward, shrinking the gap between them to barely an inch. "You were more enthusiastic that last time. So tell me, Sammy, how long have you wanted to fuck me?"
Sam felt sick. He hadn't enjoyed that last time any more than the first. He hadn't. And he'd never wanted to fuck the archangel. Not once. The guy was screwing with him. Trying to mess with his head. Suddenly he was angry. No, beyond angry. There wasn't a word for the fury raging inside him. His knuckles connected with the iron jaw, sending blinding pain through every bone and up his arm. Sam cradled his hand, gasping for air. He shouldn't have done that. Dean had warned him what happened when you got into a fist fight with an angel. Like hitting solid steel.
As if conjured up just by thinking his name, Dean's voiced echoed into the garage. Sam's gaze snapped to the door, his heart leaping into his throat. Dean couldn't find Gabriel there. He couldn't discover what had happened. He turned back to the archangel with pleading eyes and saw nothing but antagonism mirrored back at him.
"Enjoy life Sammy. What's left of it." Gabriel spat before vanishing.
Sam blinked at the now empty space in front of him. His sore hand still cradled in its partner.
He startled at the sound of Dean's voice so close and turned sharply to meet him. He knew he was flushed, he could practically feel the heat engulfing his face.
"What happened?" Dean asked; moving closer. His hand reaching out for Sam's.
"Nothing." Sam snapped, snatching it back. He turned his back on his brother, rubbing his thumb over his wrist joint. His body still trembling from the shock of his 'conversation' with Gabriel.
"You should tape that." Dean murmured behind him.
"I'm fine Dean….just….drop it."
There was a heavy silence, broken only by the sound of Dean's footsteps retreating. Taking a deep breath Sam dropped back onto the stool, his eyes flickering over to the workbench. Unconsciously he dragged his tongue across his lips and cringed at the lingering taste of sweetness. Sending a spark of heat though his treacherous body. Grunting furiously at himself, Sam shot to his feet and marched out of the garage, cursing the archangel's name as he went.
~~~~Unrequited Sabriel: Masquerade~~~~
Sam woke up with a pounding head and a lead weight in his gut. He'd hoped that drinking himself unconscious would have erased the foolish mistake he'd made in the heat of the moment, but as he squinted up at the sunlight peeking thought the window, his mind replayed the previous night with vivid clarity. He could even taste honey on his tongue. Could smell the scent of fresh air and sugar. Could feel the scrap of stubble against his chin and the solid line of a prominent erection pressing into his thigh and what made the whole thing worse to deal with was that laying there in the early morning, hung-over and disgusted with himself, he'd never been so turned on.
Rubbing at his face, Sam groaned; trying to swallow away the haunting taste in his mouth. Closing his eyes was a mistake. All that he saw was a smirking archangel with amber eyes that held too much glee, instead of perfect darkness.
"What?" Sam replied sharply. Straightening on the floor, eyes red, wide and guilty. "What?" he repeated a little more gently a few seconds later.
Dean frowned at his brother. "You okay?"
Leaping to his feet Sam marched into the kitchen, straight to the sink. Running the cold water; he grabbed a glass from the cupboard. He tried to breathe evenly. He forced all his thoughts away. Dean couldn't know. There was no way he could know. Hopefully he'd been too caught up in his own grief to see that Sam was keeping something from him.
Gulping down the water, Sam slowly turned to face his brother, glade to see there was no hint of knowing. If Dean had known Sam was sure he'd see disgust. Fury. Disappointment. "I'm fine." he sighed regretfully; clearing his throat. "Rough night."
Dean looked at him with understanding, which only left Sam feeling worse. He'd done it again. Messed up. Gotten in bed 'literally' with a monster. Archangel or not, Gabriel had killed people. Killed Dean. They'd hunted him. They'd tried to kill him.
"You ready to get back to work?" Dean asked cautiously.
Sam looked at his brother like he'd just grown a second head, but it quickly vanished when he remembered that this was how Dean dealt with shit happening. When people close to them died, Dean threw himself deeper, harder into the job. It was his coping mechanism. Just as it had been for their father. "Tomorrow." Sam grunted. "I need at least a few hours to get my head together." because there was a lot for him to try and deal with right now, and being stuck in a car with his work obsessed brother was not a calming prospect.
Dean stared at him with concerned eyes for a long silent moment before inhaling slowly and nodding. "Okay." Then he turned on his heels and headed for the backdoor. Probably planning on hiding behind working on the Impala, not that Sam blamed him. If he had something, an anchor like that, he'd be hiding too, as it was he was left alone in the silent house with only his thoughts and memories.
He dropped onto the kitchen chair and rubbed at his eyes. Maybe Dean and his dad had it right. Maybe working, throwing ones self into a case was just what he needed. It would keep his mind of the Trickster. Keep him from thinking about New York, and the garage. Keep him distracted from the senses taunting him when he was alone and his mind was free to wonder.
~~~~Unrequited Sabriel: Masquerade~~~~
Sam tried to put the whole sorry mess out of his head, desperately tried keep himself busy so his mind wouldn't drift back to those two nights. He tried not to think about the way Gabriel's lips had felt beneath his own. He tried to forget the dreams that had him waking hard and frustrated. Which since the incident in the garage had gotten more frequent and way more intense…and disturbing. Because it wasn't Katherine he was seeing anymore, it was Gabriel.
Of course then Dean had insisted on helping out Martin and bam, he couldn't run any more. It was that damn psychiatrist's fault. Prodding and poking around in his head. Asking questions he didn't want to answer. Thinking about things he'd successfully been able to ignore for weeks. Was it really any wonder he'd snapped? Was it?
And where had it gotten him? Locking in a padded room. Handcuffed to a bed, freaking out and angry as hell. Replaying what Dean had said to him.
"Hey kiddo. Nice place you've got here."
Sam rolled his head back on the bed to see Gabriel smiling down at him. His heart skipped and then began to race. "What….what are you doing here?" he asked in a hushed voice. His eyes scanning the room. Fearful that someone might see the archangel. - That Dean might see him.
"Thought I'd drop in. Say hi. - You look like shit." he smiled nonchalantly. Walking calmly around the room. Tapping his fingers against the white cushioned walls.
"Get me out of here!" Sam part pleaded, part demanded. His face reddening as he strained against the bindings. "I need to get to Dean before the wraith does."
"Wraith? Whoa, nasty." Gabriel frowned; shaking his head as he moved closer to the bed. "Has it got in your head Sammy?" he ran his fingers through Sam's hair, leaning forward.
Sam hated that he melted into the touch. His eyes fluttering closed for a moment. "Gabriel." he murmured softly. When he opened his eyes again, the angel's face was mere inches from his.
"You know you want me, Sammy. Just admit it." he moved a little closer till Sam could feel the warmth of Gabriel's breath on his lips. Smell the honey sweet scent that he'd come to associate with the Trickster. "Say it. Go on. Just say you want me Sammy and I'll….."
The sound of the door opening had Sam's head snapping up to stare. When he turned his glaze back to Gabriel's in a panic, he was gone. Sam hated the way his stomach dropped. "Hey! Let me go!" he yelled; channelling all that hatred and anger towards the nurse who stepped in, shaking her head and cooing that he was too dangerous to be out in the real world. As she moved closer to his bed, Sam's gaze caught the mirror in the corner of the ceiling and his breath caught in his throat. Shit. How hadn't he….. "Its you!"
"Of course its me. - I've got to say you hunters don't exactly live up to your rep." she taunted; moving around his bed. Carefree and emotionless.
Sam watched her cautiously from the bed. His stomach somersaulting. He told himself to look on the bright side. At least he wasn't crazy. It was all down to the wraith. She was screwing with his head.
He flinched away from her touch; struggling against the cuffs.
"Crazy brains…." he said with a insane evil smile. "They get soaked in dopamine and adrenaline and all sorts of hormones and chemicals that make them delicious. And the crazier they are, the better they taste."
"You did this to me." Sam growled. Still struggling to free himself.
"Well, I helped. But that rage…..no, no, no that's all you. I don't make crazy, I just crank up what's already there."
Sam sucked in a breath. He suddenly felt sick. That same sick feeling he'd had in New York.
"You build your own hell, I just give you the Lego's. And when your ripe I make all of your problems disappear."
Sam closed his eyes. Listening to the roar of his rage in his ears and the pain in his chest from Gabriel's abandonment. Except it hadn't been Gabriel had it. He realized that now. It had been just another illusion created by his mind to torture him. Offering him something he wanted when he needed it most and then snatching it away.
When Dean stumbled over the threshold, Sam thought it was another illusion, right up until his brother stabbed the bitch in the chest and crouched down beside him.
~~~~Unrequited Sabriel: Masquerade~~~~
Sam slouched in the passenger seat as they put as much distance between them and the asylum as humanly possible. His head aching painfully. Dean's words pounding against his brain. Over and over. "You're going to take all that crap and your going to bury it. Your going to forget about it."He hadn't been talking about Gabriel, but it rang true all the same. He'd just bury it. Ignore the phantom touches his memory conjured up. Ignore the dreams, because it wasn't real. It didn't mean anything other than he was feeling lonely and alone, and he missed having someone. - Who wasn't Dean. - to turn to.
~~~~Unrequited Sabriel: Masquerade~~~~
Ignoring it this time, lasted less than a month. Three weeks after the Asylum, they were heading on a routine hunt, something just to help then relax and forget the shit storm brewing on the sidelines when he was blown out of the water by waking up in the body of a sixteen year old.
Being trapped in the body of a teenager was some kind of universal punishment. He was sure of it. At first he'd even suspected it was Gabriel screwing with him again. - Because apparently the archangel was a constant presence in his mind now. He blamed the so-called therapy sessions at the asylum three weeks ago. Between the wraith and the doctor, he'd been forced to face up to the hurt and humiliation Gabriel's lies had caused. Which had obviously led to anger.
Since then he'd tried to lock everything involving the archangel and Katherine away where no one would ever find it. Except the harder he tried not to think about the angel the more he found the man on his mind. And it was slowly driving him crazy.
Now he was surrounded by teenagers in the middle of some unknown high school with no way to contact his brother, no idea how he'd gotten there and with a certain trickster angel ignoring his summons.
What made the whole thing worse was being in a high school was bring back memories a long time forgotten.
Lincoln High School.
New York. 1997
Sam didn't even bother complaining any more. It wasn't like his dad and Dean even listened any how. He simply followed his brother up the steps of the school and to the office. He collected his schedule and locker combination, parted ways with Dean with a sigh, before heading off to another set of classes he wasn't going to be seeing though to the end of the semester.
He stared into his new locker. The twelfth this year. His nose crinkling at the smell, though he'd smelt worse. Much worse. He didn't really have anything to stash away, he just wanted a distraction and an escape from Dean who'd been even more loud and obnoxious than usual.
Sam took a moment to casually scan the hallway, watching his fellow freshman trying to avoid the upper class-men for fear of their lives. That's when he saw her. Stood staring into her locker as blankly as he stared into his. She was new too, Sam figured. He recognised that look. He'd carried that look until he'd learnt it could get you beaten up within ten minutes of stepping foot on school grounds. Now he just kept his head down and didn't ask questions.
Sam continued to watch her covertly. Staring as the girl's fingers tightened around the locker door, the glow of frustration on her face. Suddenly her head snapped around and their eyes met. Sam inhaled sharply at the intensity in those eyes. His heart began to pound madly in his chest, and he felt torn between moving closer and running away.
The decision was taken out of his hands as the bell rang, breaking the moment. He blinked and she was gone.
Sam pulled himself back to the present and forced himself to concentrate on now. He needed to figure out what was going on. He needed to get in touch with Dean. - Or Gabriel. He was caught off guard when a hand landed on his shoulder, sending him into the lockers. Hissing at the sharp stink from his left cheek hitting metal. Something's it seemed never changed.
A/N: So how was that for a start to Sam's side of the story. I hope you enjoyed it.