She can't understand what's going on.
The last thing she can remember is the darkness after the beeping had run flat, the sudden sensation of not feeling - of not being - and suddenly she's here, in a place where she's never been, that she doesn't know, and it terrified her.
Everything is loud and hectic, phantom touches and distant voices come and go, clawing with vigor against her sensitive eardrums and clanging together like pots and pans in the center of her brain.
All the while, the entire time she was withering in near pain, an invasive energy slithered past her skin and into her blood. She couldn't help but squirm against the strain because it grated against her insides, it wasn't normal and it shouldn't be happening.
There is a horrid screeching sound, too bright lights, and an overwhelming all consuming feeling of claustrophobia because oh god somebody was wrapping her up! Taping the limbs she can hardly feel so close to her sides that she couldn't move an inch if she were capable.
She's terrified and unsure, she's trapped in someone's arms and can hear someone crying way too high and loud for her sensitive ears to handle and with a moment of clarity she realized that - oh sweet Jesus the screams were coming from her.
A hand appeared at her back in a gesture of comfort as the sobs shuddered out into hiccupping gasps. A rhythmic pat that the body - the small, wailing body that isn't - shouldn't - couldn't be hers but she knows it is - instantly shimmered down at and she, for a split second nearly sinks into docility.
But then blurry eyes forced themselves open because she shouldn't be here. Because this shouldn't be happening and goddammit, she refused to give in because she still doesn't understand!
And though she knows what has happened in the innate way that one knows the back of their hand it just isn't the kind of knowledge she was seeking. She isn't sure if she should shout in relief or terror but that is a different matter entirely.
A voice breaks through the buzzing hum of the rest and where the patting fails, these words succeed, stunning her into a simpering silence.
The tone is full of tension, worry, and a unique kind of desperation and it makes her stomach flop with uncertainty.
"What's wrong with her?"
It takes her scrambled and unsure brain about a few minutes for her fundamentally English thought process to translate what the woman said from the Japanese language she hadn't used in over four years into something comprehensible. Through some kind of miracle she managed to pull the sentence together from the depths of her jumbled mind.
"I can't be sure, Sasana-hime." Another woman said as a glowing intrusive, probing hand settled on her chest and against her will she can feel her muscles contract and relax; she can't help but feel violated after everything is through.
She shivered violently.
"It could the feeling of unfamiliar chakra circling around hers," The woman went onto explain with a worried twist of her brow. "But most newborns assimilate after being in contact with other beings. So we will just have to wait and see and of course I will be here to watch over her."
Everything slowed down, froze, and something broke in her at the word newborn.
Something fractured, something spun and dipped, and a digging feeling of panic nestled its way into her chest and curled around her heart.
She was a baby.
She had died and become a baby.
She wanted to cry.
She wanted to cry so very bad but those tears that she so desperately wanted to shed welled not a drop out from behind her eyelids.
Whatever that woman - that horrid woman - had done manipulated her range of expression so instead of expelling her fear outwards it sunk into her stomach and burned something painful.
Trying to struggle from the languid hold of stoicism that woman had placed her under she raged a futile war from the inside out. Knowing the angry, scared, and confused howls wouldn't leap from her throat until her condition wore off she allowed herself just this once to settle into the woman's arms as she listened with diluted attention in on the conversation.
She may be this person's - dear god she couldn't even think it - product of meiosis but it didn't mean she could be insured to trust them. She needed to figure out more for the sake of her sanity.
"-picked out a name for her Sasana-hime?" The other woman asked. "From my understanding Tajima-sama has given you permission to name the child if it is a girl."
There is a moment of consideration, heavy like a loaded gun before words are re-exchanged.
"Madara." The woman says without a second of hesitation. "I want her to be named Madara."
The nurse - for who else could she be to tend to a previously pregnant woman - let out a chuckle.
"It seems like you've given this a lot of thought to give me a name so quickly." She said with a raised brow.
Sasana nodded with a sheepish smile as she stroked a finger down her nose. "Madara" had to fight herself not to flinch in disgust at the completely unwanted touch. If the woman noticed she didn't call attention to it.
"I had been hoping for a girl after birthing so many boys Asa." She confessed with a small shrug. "I honestly thought that Madara would end up male and though I am happy I fear Tajima is not."
Asa the nurse patted the woman's knee in a sign of comfort. "I think it is good Madara-hime is a female. Tajima-sama has other male heirs in line before her and maybe some after." She placated with a soft tenor. "One girl will not change that."
Sasana gave an unfair curl of her lips before cuddling her closer and looking down into her face.
Though her eyes were blurry and she could barely see, she could make out the dark hair and similar colored eyes and she wondered if she looked the same before the feeling of the invasive energy washed over her.
"It's been a long birth and I think both Madara-hime and you deserve some rest." Asa said gently. "Sleep, I will wake you when the next day comes."
And so she did.
When she first opened her eyes to behold her new surroundings the newly dubbed "Madara" - what would be the use of using the name that no one here would ever acknowledge her by? - cycled through her grief like a well oiled machine.
Denial came first and it ripped through her like a storm.
She diligently rejected the reality of this fucked up situation, ignoring the calm insistent voice in her head telling her to face the facts and stuck her proverbial head in the sand.
She knew it was a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions and she was drowning. It was that classic defense mechanism that buffered the shock and she blocked out the words, hiding from what was plain in her face.
Soon after came anger and it burned through her veins like molten lava.
As the effects of denial and isolation wore off, reality and its pain re-emerged with a vengeance.
She was not ready.
The intense emotion was deflected from her vulnerable core, redirected and expressed as a rage that left her gasping and breathless. And she aimed this anger at everything that crossed her mind.
The nurses, that woman who birthed this body, Tajima - she thought with a hiss -, herself and rationally, she knew that none of them - or at the very least herself and the nurse - were not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, she resented all of them for preparing her way into this place. Sasana for getting pregnant by Tajima, and Asa for delivering her.
But once the anger faded away, a pleading feeling took hold and she began the next stage of bargaining.
If only she had gotten help sooner she wouldn't have died.
If only she wouldn't have she died she wouldn't be here.
If only she go back and change this.
If only, if only, if only!
Secretly within the recesses of her mind she began to pray to the God she never thought existed in an attempt to postpone the inevitable. She knew this defense was weaker but she had to try something to protect herself.
Depression coiled around her thoughts in a vice grip as sadness and regret warred for supremacy inside.
She would never get to do all the things she wanted.
She would never see anyone she held dear to her again.
She would be forced to start over with a family she wasn't sure she would ever be able to accept and she had never felt so alone.
This was a part she loathed, she had never been one to pity or feel sorry for herself but right now she couldn't seem to help it.
Gradually realization filtered in as she lay still in her bed, barely moving an inch.
It wasn't her being brave when she accepted her situation.
It was her giving herself a chance to be here, to be alive and not go crazy. It was either embrace it or lose her mind at this point and it wasn't a hard decision to choose. So with tears streaming down her face she started to scream and cry, not halting even when the woman known as her mother rushed in and held her close.
If anything that made it worse, being faced with the outcome of her choice so soon. Or when she called for the nurse Asa and she could feel the energy flicker in an attempt to placate around hers.
Eventually, whether if it was because of the energy she spent bawling for hours or some other factor she drifted off into an odd but not overly troubled sleep.
Madara would deal with this when she woke up again, she had enough for today.
So I finally got this out there! I was actually scared that someone else would do it before I could but I'm sure there are no SI's for Madara. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. This will be a Hashirama/fem-SI-Madara. I feel that if canon!Madara was a girl then they would have gotten to together. Opinions?
Now imagine the options an SI as him having the chances to shape the future. She'll figure out where she is next chapter. I'll try to make to at least 3k but no promises.
I also have an updating schedule that I will post on my profile today so check it out to see when your favorite story will be updated.