**The Big Bang Theory Slash! Yup yup. This is unrequited love and contains spoilers from the season seven finale.**
Give Me Love (Ed Sheeran)
It hurts to see him with her; seeing Leonard with Penny. I know it makes him so happy, and when you love someone you're supposed to let them go, and let them be happy, right? But...it just hurts so much. I wish I could ignore this pain I feel every time I see them together but I just can't. He has become such a large part of my life. Is it sad that I...envy Penny?
Give me love like her.
I remember what it was like before she came. We were only together for a little while, but we still got to know each other. We started out as roommates but our relationships grew quickly-for me anyways. He became my only friend soon enough and he lead me to gain more friends. I have him to thank for that. But...we also met Penny together. It wasn't until Penny and Leonard first started dating that I noticed how much I actually loved that small scientist. I realized how much I needed him in my life. But I can't say anything. It's too late now.
We just got the news today that they're engaged now. They got engaged on the day I had finally worked up the courage to tell Leonard. I was going to tell him today. That makes the pain even worse. It's still sinking in for me. It really is too late. I can't do anything. I can't turn back time like in 'Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home'. If only I could borrow the Enterprise, or even the Tardis, to turn back time and correct my stupid mistake before it even happens. I know I do not make any mistakes but I admit that this time I did and...I only have myself to blame. I didn't tell Leonard when I had the opportunity to do so...and now I have to suffer for it.
Damn this Eidetic memory of mine. Because of it, I can remember everything; everything I want to remember...and everything I don't want to remember. Images of him with Penny come to my mind now, causing my throat to tighten slightly and my eyes to burn harshly. I blink them rapidly to try and at least decrease the amount of tears in my eyes but it's really no use. I just can't take this.
All I want is the taste that his lips allow.
I look down at my empty glass. When did I drink that? I'm really starting to lose it. I order another alcoholic beverage from the bartender. I know it's so...unlike me to actually be drinking alcohol but I need it to sooth the pain; I need it to sooth the burning hole in my heart. But even the alcohol doesn't seem to be doing anything to ease my troubled mind because I know my troubles will still be there when I'm sober. I know my love for Leonard will still be there when I wake up the next morning with a killer hangover. It feels as if my blood is drowning in all the alcohol in my system. Yet I can't bring myself to stop drinking. Maybe I just don't want to go home yet. Maybe that's the real reason I keep drinking glass after glass, even as the buzz of people around me starts to die down. I don't want to go home to an empty apartment because I know he'll be with her.
Maybe I should let him go.
But that's not fair. I had him first. He was my roommate first. I just...want to hold him in my arms. I want to be able to call him mine. But I can't. All I can do is sit back and call him my friend. Soon I won't even be able to call him my roommate. Penny will take him from me. That thought alone makes an involuntary sob escape my throat.
Give me a love like never before...because lately I've been craving more.
The more I see them together, the more I want to be Penny. I just want to be her so I can have his love. I know Leonard will never love me. Heck, I don't even know if he likes males at all. Yet I just wish he would look at me differently. I wish he could just see and feel the way I love him. I wish I could have just told him before any of this happened; before he became Penny's.
And it's been a while, but I still feel the same.
I have loved him for so god damn long now. I fell in love with him during our second year as roommates. That feels like a lifetime ago to me; a lifetime of being in love. And my feelings still haven't changed for him. If anything, they've only grown. I don't think my love for him will ever change and I'm not sure if that's good or bad. Thinking about him and Penny together makes me think it's a bad idea.
We'll play hide and seek to turn this around.
Soon there will be no more waking up to Leonard being in the next room to me. Once they move in together, I'll be all by myself. He won't drive me to work or back home anymore. He won't take me to the comic bookstore on Wednesday. He won't be there to play video games with anymore, or watch old sci-fi movies. He'll have a wife to worry about, and a child will probably be soon to follow. Leonard had learned to live with my ways for so long...and now it's all over. She ruined it. I ruined it by not telling him.
Everything Leonard and I have grown to accomplish will eventually be ruined by her. She'll destroy our roommate agreement and everything in it. She'll take my roommate away from me. She'll probably also be taking away my best friend. I think what's worse than that is the fact that...I won't be Leonard's best friend anymore. I'll be replaced by Penny.
Everything is finally sinking in, and it's making me sick to my stomach. Suddenly all the drinks I've had don't seem to agree with my stomach and I quickly get up, sprinting to the bathroom. I open a free stall just in time to bring up everything that was sitting in my stomach. I'm not sure if I'm sick because of all the alcohol in my stomach or if my thoughts are catching up to me.
One thought sinks deep in my mind. The words are repeating, echoing in my brain and it only causes me more pain.
I've really lost Leonard. He's no longer mine. But he was never really mine to begin with.
Give a little time to me. Please...
Give me love...
**Thanks again for reading another one of my stories. I appreciate all my readers and your reviews are appreciated. Love you all! **