The Saiyan Birds and Bees
A Dragonball Z one-shot fanfiction by Andrew Joshua Talon
Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan work of prose. Dragonball, Dragonball Z and Dragonball GT are the property of Funimation, Toei Animation, Fuji TV and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release.
In another universe...
"Kakarrot! A word!" Vegeta said with an imperious sneer. Goku turned away from Piccolo and smiled cheerfully.
"Hey Vegeta! How's it going? We're training for the androids!" Goku said. Piccolo scowled at Vegeta. Vegeta scowled back.
"Yes, yes, I know," Vegeta said. "I'm here to talk about something else."
"Something other than training?" Goku asked. "Like food?"
"No," Vegeta stated. "I'm here to talk about your brat Gohan."
"Gohan? Oh yes, she's a cute little girl! Really powerful, blows stuff up good! Where is she, anyway?" Asked Goku. Vegeta stared at him, and looked over at Piccolo. Piccolo pointed to the nearby river.
"This is probably something we should do together, Kakarrot," Vegeta said, looking increasingly uncomfortable. Goku tilted his head.
"Really? Something we should do together? Should Chi-Chi be here for this?"
"What, so she can fill your daughter's head with nonsense?" Vegeta asked flatly. "I saw how she dresses her! Even if she's a half-breed, she should be brought up in the proper way of Saiyan females!"
Piccolo's antenna rose. "Please tell me you're not going where I think you're going with this."
"Where do you think I'm going with this, Namekian? And what do you care? You consider her your surrogate daughter too, Mummy Dearest?" Vegeta asked mockingly. Piccolo snorted.
"Still got that pink shirt I see-"
"DON'T YOU START!" Vegeta snarled, pointing his finger at Piccolo.
"Uh, guys? I think I'm missing something here," Goku said. Vegeta sighed, and pinched the bridge of his nose.
"You really choose to hang out with him?" Vegeta asked. "Really?"
"Oh, hey Vegeta," Gohan said, walking up in her Namekian-inspired clothing. Vegeta huffed.
"Well, at least I can get this over with," Vegeta grumbled. "Brat! How old are you now?"
"Um... Almost ten," Gohan said.
Vegeta sniffed. "Almost on the verge of menstruating. Early for you-"
"I'm-What?" Gohan asked in disbelief, a slight blush on her face. "H-How are you-Why are you-?"
"That's just my point," Vegeta said, pointing at her. "We need to talk about things! And since I'm the Prince of All Saiyans... Dear God... This is my job. So! Come on. We're talking about what you need to know!"
"You mean... Reproduction?" Gohan asked, grimacing. "Um... I've read that in my books and I'm completely-"
"The technical stuff? Oh God, this is worse than I thought," Vegeta grumbled. "Come on! Let's sit around. Tell your woman to make us food, Kakarrot!"
"Okay! I always love to do that!" Goku said cheerfully, practically skipping off to his house. Piccolo and Gohan watched him go. Gohan looked up at Piccolo plaintively.
"Uh... Mister Piccolo, can we please-?"
"No, look," Piccolo said, "he's uncomfortable about this." The Namekian smirked. "This is going to be hilarious."
"Probably not for me," Gohan mumbled.
"I hate you. Hate you sooo much," Vegeta growled.
"But Chi-Chiiiii! Vegeta's my friend! He won't do anything bad to Gohan!" Goku whined.
"He's the monster who tried to kill you! Repeatedly! AND OUR DAUGHTER!" Chi-Chi snarled. She waved around her frying pan. "What do you think he's going to do?!"
"Um... I don't know, but I bet it's nothing bad! He's changed, really!" Goku said happily.
"Uh huh... And you're going to let him subject our darling daughter to who knows what?" Chi-Chi stated.
"As long as he doesn't teach Gohan how to cook badly, I don't see how this is going to end badly," Goku said with a bright smile. Chi-Chi sighed.
"Goku... If you insist on this..." Her eyes glinted ominously. "You know what I want in return."
"Awww... But the straps chafe!" Goku whined.
"We'll use the edible ones," Chi-Chi sighed. Goku beamed.
So the two full Saiyans, demi-Saiyan, and Namekian soon sat around a picnic table nearby Goku's house. A plate of bacon sat in the middle of the table, and a pitcher of water slightly off center for Piccolo. Gohan looked between the uncomfortable Vegeta, the happy Goku, and the smirking Piccolo.
"Well... You are familiar with the technical aspects of mating and so on," Vegeta said. "Despite the company you keep..." He glared at Goku and Piccolo.
"Well, yeah," Gohan said.
"But you are unaware of the nature of the practices of mating! And this is vital for Saiyans, given you are essentially the last Saiyan female around!" Vegeta lectured.
"Wait... Are you coming onto my daughter, Vegeta?" Goku asked, in between bites of bacon. Vegeta grimaced.
"Of course not!"
"Good," Goku nodded. "That'd be weird..."
"And highly illegal," Gohan pointed out. "And creepy."
"Bah! If I ever have an attraction to females with the figure of a ten year old girl, you'll be the first to... Yeah, there's no good way to finish that," Vegeta muttered. Piccolo snickered. "SHUT UP!"
"So, what's the point of this?" Gohan asked. Vegeta rolled his eyes.
"The relationships between male and female Saiyans is a complex affair!" The Prince of all Saiyans raised his fist.
"Now, a true Saiyan male would hunt down his mate, tear her clothing off and fiercely take her as is his right! But the female cannot give in too easily. That is the thrill of the hunt!"
Little Gohan's eyes widened.
"Unfortunately for you, there are no Saiyan males so you must contend with weak, pitiful human males."
"Uhh..." Gohan tried. Vegeta continued, snorting at Goku who was still stuffing his face.
"At least Kakarott found a strong human woman, but you will have to get along with pitiful human males who will woo you with songs and candy and beg for your attention," Vegeta sneered.
"I like candy-" Gohan tried.
"Bah!" Vegeta snarled. "It disgusts me... Yes they should bow in fear of us, but really! They're only doing it to get into your pants, not out of fear of your might!"
"... Oh," Gohan managed. "Um, Vegeta? What does this have to do with anything?"
"Just the thought of you mating some weak, perverted human disgusts me! If you have no pride in your Saiyan heritage, then I shall have to have it for both of us!"
"Now then, based purely on strength... Humanity has little to offer. There is the midget monk though, he at least has some skill as a warrior... But I do not reccommend it! He is small and perverse and weird. Midgets across the galaxy are a perverse lot! Damn space midgets!" Vegeta snarled.
"He's thirty, I'm ten," Gohan stressed.
"And that beta male always sniffing around the woman! They're both pathetic enough to try for you the instant you turn legal!" Vegeta growled. "Do not be fooled by what they say! They will do anything, anything, to make it with a Saiyan hottie such as yourself! When you make it to that age!"
"Seriously, creeped out right now," Gohan muttered.
"Mmmm! Pepper bacon, yay!" Goku moaned happily.
"You're so convinced she's going to be attractive when she grows up?" Piccolo asked.
"Mister Piccolo!" Gohan gasped.
"Saiyan bitches grow hot as suns, Namekian," Vegeta sneered. "Not that you could appreciate that, without a dick-"
"Excuse me! What are you talking about?" Chi-Chi demanded. Goku beamed.
"Hey Chi-Chi! So, what flavor are the bindings gonna be?"
"Bindings? What sort of-?" Vegeta began, but Chi-Chi raised her frying pan.
"What are you talking about?" Chi-Chi growled.
"Thank Kami," Gohan muttered. "Vegeta was... Um... Teaching me about-"
"How to avoid soiling herself with weak, pitiful males in the future!" Vegeta boomed. "She is a Saiyan! And as such, she needs to avoid having anything to do with the wrong sort of men!"
"Well, I just have one thing to say to that, you monster," Chi-Chi snarled... Before sitting down happily at the table. "Tell me more!"
Gohan stared at her mother. "Um, Mom-?"
"Obviously they need to be well off! Like a doctor, or a lawyer," Chi-Chi said. Vegeta snorted.
"Only if they can fight! They need to be strong, and not sniveling perverts like the rest of the idiots Kakarott hangs out with," Vegeta stated. Chi-Chi beamed and nodded.
"At last, you're talking my language!"
Gohan looked at Piccolo. "Mister Piccolo?"
"Sorry Gohan... But this is turning out even better than I thought it would," Piccolo snickered.
"Mmm! Butter!" Goku said happily.
Christ, I don't know! The muse tells me to write, I write! I have no idea why this is happening.