a/n: so, recently I've been getting into Doctor Who. Because I don't have nearly enough obsessions right? That and writing my novels has kept me away from FFN but I really needed to get this out of my system so take a gander if you'd like. As usual, we have a slight bit of plot (enough to not make this pointless smut), and a 'healthy' dose of smutty smut. So enjoy!
The Doctor's Nightmare
In the days following their frightening adventure on Sanctuary Base Six, Rose noticed something different in her Doctor. He was no longer the New Doctor, as she'd been calling him in her head. No, for a while now he'd been her Doctor. Before regeneration she'd become very close with the Old Doctor and she might even admit that she had fallen for him, should someone fill her with enough sherry and tickle her into submission. The answer, the thought was just for her now; to dwell over and attempt to push aside. She'd watched her Doctor; the Doctor step into that space suit and she'd felt the fear of losing him again. The very real fear she may never see him again. It wasn't death exactly that she'd been afraid of, for life without him would have been something like death. Even if she'd made it home, in her own time with Mum and Mickey, things would never be the same.
Life would never be the same. Not without her Doctor. How would she go on, never hearing his laugh, seeing that smile? The mornings would be odd and empty without him, fighting over the one bathroom in the TARDIS and demanding to know just how long it would take him to do his hair. The Old Doctor had never had that problem, though she had waited for half an hour once while he'd decided between two identical black jumpers. Always waiting for him she was. Always. Waiting for him to leave the loo, to come back to her, to say those words she was too afraid to say herself. She'd nearly said it, nearly when the Old Doctor had exploded before her eyes. But she hadn't been able to, whether it was fear of him or what would happen if she did end spill her true feelings.
Then things changed, he changed…only he didn't really. His voice, his hair, his face were all different. His laugh more cheerful, but still the same. The way he held her hand, that feeling did not change. The effect he had on her with a single touch, a single look had told her then and there that this was the same man. And so, over time she'd become accustomed to the New Doctor. And he'd become her Doctor. She wondered about his life before her, knowing he'd led many. And yet, it was hard for her to care when he looked at her a certain way. Everything just melted away and there she was in his arms and all that mattered was her and him and the TARDIS and where they were going next. Only, they weren't going anywhere next.
Sanctuary Base Six had been exactly fifty six hours, nineteen minutes, and four seconds again. She'd thought he had set a course for a new place, a new planet but he hadn't. Being one with the TARDIS told her that they were floating in space, simply circling through stars and around planets. The first day after he'd pretended to be fine, really he had. There was music and laughing and he'd made himself look busy with the switches and pulls on the control board, and she'd gone about cleaning the wardrobe room, deciding what she would like to wear next. The following day they'd eaten in near silence and he'd pressed a kiss to her forehead afterwards, but did not say goodnight before he retired to his room. Then the whirring of the engines, the hum of the reactors and easy almost unnoticeable beeping of the course modificationer were the only sounds.
Rose had given him one more day of sulking- or whatever it was he was doing before she promptly marched to his room and began banging on his door. To be honest it had taken her a minute to find his room as normally he slept on the jump seat so he could be near to the controls but all her unsupervised time with the controls had informed her that the TARDIS was on autopilot. There was no answer for the first ten minutes and her mood quickly changed from mild annoyance to straight out panic. Would he have regenerated again? Did he really have three heads this time and that's why he wouldn't come out? Did something happen down there while they were apart that had hurt him so badly? Her patience wore thin, and throwing decorum aside she opened the door.
The Doctor's room was dark, the only light coming from the doorway she stood in. Stepping aside she looked around, taking in the simple furnishings. One dresser. One bed. One small table. One chair. He rarely spent time here and so he didn't much care for it, but she'd never seen a space of his so unloved before. She neared the bed, finding him asleep, only it wasn't a peaceful sleep. His face was twisted in fear, in confusion. His body covered in sweat and the sheets he may have pulled over himself at one time were half off the mattress, half tangled around his legs. She slowly reached out a hand towards him, lowering it to his chest in a hope to still him.
At once his movements stopped, and she sighed, but so did his breathing. She moved onto the bed next to him, shaking him, calling his name. Pleading with him to wake up. The days of silence on the TARDIS had begun to drive her a bit mad and she had no intention of going through the fears of losing him again. She'd seen him like this once before in her flat on Christmas only this time she had a feeling he would need more than a simple cup of tea to get him back on his feet. She shook him more violently when he still refused to respond and began beating at his chest; the fear and desperation getting the best of her. She felt the tears falling from her eyes but did not stop to brush them away.
Suddenly, too suddenly the Doctor sat up, his eyes wide and searching, his hands locking around her neck and pinning her on the bed beneath him. The shock and the movement had winded her and she tried to call his name, tell him it was her, that he was safe but she could not speak or even scream. Just as quickly as he'd attacked her, he released; recoiling from her. "Rose! Rose I'm so sorry. Please forgive me."
She sat up from his mattress and massage feeling back into her throat. When she spoke her voice cracked but she cleared it, seeing the pain in his eyes. "It's alright Doctor. You were just having a nightmare."
He looked ashamed and in the small amount of light she saw his shoulders begin to shake. "Oh Rose, you must hate me for how I've treated you."
"Shh." She soothed, feeling a bit more like his mother than his friend as she brought him into her arms and lay his head against her chest. "Everything is going to be alright."
She pressed a kiss to his forehead as she'd done on the helmet when he'd left her at Base. For a while they just sat there together until the Doctor finally lifted his head. She did her best to tug his hair back into the familiar, yet oddball way he had it done but it was no use. She'd seen his alien wax's and creams in the bathroom. Those were definitely needed to pull off his look. "How long have I been in here?"
"A while." She whispered, letting him move away from her. She watched him lay down and would have stayed sitting had he not pulled her next to him. She curled up against him, so close they were sharing the same pillow and wrapped her arms around his back.
Her nose was cool, and the Doctor could feel it against his neck. He thought of how much time could have passed in this room, how he'd driven himself even more mad locking himself away from her. But he could never tell her of the things he'd seen in the pit. Of the things he'd learned. Of the things he'd been tested to do. She might think he'd failed, she may judge him. And he couldn't lose her love again. Seeing the fear, the unfamiliarity in her eyes when he'd woken from his tenth regeneration had almost been enough to break his heart. He'd barely had time to get used to his new teeth, his new voice and hair himself. But he'd comforted her, calmed her and that had been his only job at the time. Rose, his Rose had needed him.
And now he needed her, and here she was ready to support him, comfort him, calm him but he couldn't tell her how to help. Because there was no way for her to help. He'd looked into the eyes depths of hell, of pure evil and he'd survived but at what personal cost? He could not spend the rest of his many, many days flying in a giant circle in the TARDIS, nor could he waste another moment of her perfectly precious life. "Rose, I offer my sincerest apologies. I have no explanation to give you for my actions, nor a reason that would satisfy you."
"You hardly ever give me a satisfying reason for most things Doctor, as long as you promise me you will be alright, I believe I will live."
He wrapped his arm around her, holding her tighter to his chest. The sweat had dried on him now and desperately ached to shower, but the last thing he wanted to do was leave this bed and her embrace. More time past, could have been minutes or hours and neither of them cared. The comforting hum of the big blue box lulled them into a sense of security; false or not and she nearly drifted to sleep before he cleared his throat, pulling back to look down at her. "Rose, I do have one thing to ask."
"Anything, Doctor. You know that."
"Will you really stay here, with me? Forever?"
"I will be here with you until the day you force me from the TARDIS and back into Mum's arms. I'm stuck to you, no matter where or when we go."
The Doctor leaned up on his elbow then, looking down at her. Rose wasn't sure if it was their shared connection with the TARDIS or something about their connection for each other, but in that instant both of them knew they were done for. They'd both seen each other at their weakest, their strongest, their happiest, their saddest and there wasn't nothing more you could ask for in a companion. A time travelling partner, or a life one. Neither of them spoke again, for they didn't need to. It was clear to both of them, for the first time that words didn't matter anymore. He gently slid his hands on either side of her face and kissed her, relieved when she wrapped his hands around him waist and pulled him close. Explanations could be handled later; or never. Right now there was nothing between them other than clothes and space.
Doctor opened his mouth when she pulled back from the first kiss, but she shook her head and laid a finger to his lips. Tonight wasn't about worrying to say the right thing. It was about feeling, about doing. She was tired of thinking, tired of planning everything out to the last second and then the whole plan blowing up in their faces. There was a whole world outside of them, of this TARDIS that needed saving, but this moment was reserved for them. They needed the release, they needed the connection.
He tasted like chocolate, he smelled like heaven, and he felt like stone. He was hard and strong and comforting and safe. She had been feeling scared and lost for so long, and all this time, all she'd needed was to be in his arms. He kissed her like it was his last day on earth, held her like he was moments from being executed. Everything was intense, every emotion epic, every touch unyielding. Their hands burned over each other and buttons were undone and clothes were shed. Lips attacked lips, fingers attacked hair. Their bodies met in a perfect symphony of lust and passion and love that had them breathless, aching and naked within minutes.
Doctor lifted her up, sitting her atop of him. He kept his eyes locked on hers, watching the emotions flash across her face, the wordless pleas on her lips. Rose's heart beat with the sound, long and loud pounds as Damon's fingers stroked her slowly, painfully drawing out each sensation so her body could feel every second of painful pleasure. His two hearts raced louder, exhausting him and spurring him on. She cried out, but the humming of the TARDIS, the beating of their hearts drowned out her voice. Doctor felt her tremble and brought his free hand into the base of her hair, tugging her neck back. His tongue ran along the length of her throat, tasting and savoring her like a fine wine. She was intoxicating and far more potent than any drink he'd ever had on any planet or time he'd ever visited. She was addictive as any drug and he found himself losing grip on reality as she captured his lips in a kiss that seared him right to his soul.
She moaned into the kiss, his lips muffling any curses as the first waves of torturous, unabashed pleaser rocked her body. Somewhere, on some planet in some time the TARDIS landed, smoothly without the Doctor at the reins trying to tell her what to do. No one noticed in the moment and Rose couldn't focus on anything but her Doctors hands as they ghosted over her body and made her boneless. She still hadn't gotten the main event, and as her body ached for him she could feel the heat from him radiating off like a sun, melting her fears and any unknowns. This was pure, this was love. They could look at each other and communicate a thousand words with one glance. His fingers dug into her hips as he fought back the urge to slip inside her, but she coaxed him on and he knew he couldn't deny her anymore than he could keep denying himself.
He palmed one breast, kissing it lightly before moving up her collarbone to her neck. She was unbelievably smooth, incredibly soft and he found it impossible to stop touching her. How could something this small and innocent be so powerful and strong? How could she been everything he needed, wanted, had been looking for since the beginning of time? He held her like porcelain, worshipping her and pleasing her, and then he lost the control, lost the want to care and he let go of the careful Time Lord. He'd lived lifetime after lifetime, face after face but never before had he experienced a love like this. He didn't know how to tell her with words, so he did the only thing he knew how to do. He loved her with his hands, made her moan and cry with simple touches over silk skin.
The moment they were finally joined was like magic. She clung to him, for life, for love, for stability. He'd always been there for her, a rock to hide behind or protect her. He was the one that saved her, the one that she saved. She adjusted and relished in the feel of him, accustomed herself to the emotional pull and draw now that they were joined. She hated saying complete, because she'd never believed that another person could complete you, but in this moment she did feel whole. She felt connected and safe, and like she could say or do anything. His hands cupped her ass and pulled her closer, rocking his hips up into hers as she rolled down onto him. Her heart hammered in her chest as she clung to him, ran her fingers through his hair, framed his face, caressed his chest. She couldn't get enough of him, couldn't get enough of the feeling of being whole.
As they moved together, a new connection solidified, one that would make it impossible for them to ever forget each other. No compulsion or old age would ever make her forget the look in his eyes right now, the love and the need he felt. It was all for her, and she'd never felt more beautiful in her life. The past flashed through her mind as they made love, as they moved together. Every move he made, every choice had been to ensure that this moment would come, that she would be alive and that they could be together. She was his, and he was hers, and there was nothing or no one in any galaxy or time that would ever be able to take that away.
The memory of tonight would not be tarnished; it would be recalled and attempted again. She would make sure of it. She would make sure that this man before her, the one that gave her such pleasure, filled her with such love knew how special he was. She would spend the rest of her life making sure he knew just how much she appreciated his love, and how real her return of emotions was. They rode together and moved together, cresting and falling and moaning. Their lips were glued to one another as she tried to devour him. He couldn't get enough of her, he would never be able to get enough of her.
She wanted him, only him forever. He could sense it; he could feel it in her touches and taste it in her kiss. Their releases came, but it felt like an eternity to them. Even after it was done and she was pressing her cheek to his chest, and his arms were wrapped around her trembling body, she could still feel the intensity of moving together, of the bliss that goes with the first time. She didn't think it was possible to love someone this much, and as she looked up at the Doctor, her Doctor, brushing the sweaty hair back from his forehead, he understood exactly what she meant.
They still didn't speak, they didn't even part an inch. He moved them into a laying position and grabbed the sheet from the floor. Exhaustion from worry and lust had Rose asleep in moments, but he lay awake for a while longer, taking it all in and memorizing every moment they'd just shared. She would never know how close he had been to letting go, to giving up and simply taking her home. Knowing they would never see each other again. She would never know how alone and lost he had felt until he saw the look in her eyes and felt her first kiss. She had brought him back to the land of the living, and he would never be able to thank her enough, but he would be certain to spend the next span of his many lifetimes trying.
a/n: I think I would like to go back and rewatch their season so I can get a better handle on how they think, but to be honest I don't know if I can go through all the feels again. Is it less painful the second time? Perhaps one day I will find out.