Author: Sorceress Fantasia
Warnings: Duo POV, slight angst?
Still working on more! ^^
Disclaimers: I asked Santa to send me Duo, but on second thoughts, I decided that having Heero hot on my heels was too unnerving. Therefore, the all the charas here do not belong to me. They belong to people who have enough money to buy explosives and let Heero self-destruct a million times, a.k.a. Bandai and so on. You know the drill.
I think… I've been a gundam pilot for much too long.
Either that, or I've watched far too many movies.
You know, in many of those supernatural flicks… the character's just walking down a street, eating dinner, driving, or just daydreaming… and when he turns around, he sees a bloodied corpse of himself, or his own tombstone? And that's when he suddenly realizes he's dead? Suddenly remembers he had been knocked down by a car, shot by some psycho, cut to pieces by laser sabers, pushed down from a plane in flight… or even the plain o' committed suicide?
It happens to me all the time.
Although, my imagination stops at the part where the feeling comes to me.
Sometimes, when I'm just taking a stroll on the streets, I'd suddenly feel a strange sensation wash over me. There's this titanic urge to look around, to see if there's a commotion nearby. If there is, I'd verify if the cause of it was me lying in my own blood. Or perhaps, I'd just find myself on the ground, abandoned by humanity.
I check, just to make sure I hadn't been involved in some accident.
Just to assure myself that I'm not injured, and that all my limbs are still intact.
Just to know for certain that I'm still alive, and breathing.
I feel as though I've been injured, but I can't find the blood.
I feel as though I've been hurt, but I can't find the tears.
Those are the times I hate most.
It's like you're seeing everything around you, but the feeling of not being there is so profound. Everyone is just moving on, not minding you, not hearing you, not seeing you, not *feeling* you.
Almost like you don't exist.
It's a surreal feeling. But sometimes… I wonder if it's real.
Many things in my life feel surreal, like it's not there.
There are things that I *know* is there. Like my hurt, my pain, my sorrow. But others… I'm not so sure.
Sometimes, I wake up, expecting to not see him beside me. Expecting to not be in his arms, close to his warmth. Expecting to not receive a good morning kiss, feeling his warm breath. Expecting to not see him again when he leaves the house for work.
I'm not being pessimistic.
It's just that I've been living in the world for far too long.
Been a gundam pilot for too long. Been a Preventer for too long.
From what, I don't know.
Maybe it's time I leave this place, and ask myself, 'Am I still alive?'
If I see myself, I'll know.
And if I don't…
…I hope Heero'll be at home, waiting for me to finish my stroll.
Sorceress Fantasia @ 28th October 2002
Proud Member of 1x2ML, HDML, GWML, SDDI