Title: GW Computer Wars Episode 1: The HC Menace

Author: Sorceress Fantasia

Pairings: Implied 1x2

Warnings: Humor, Relena bashing, Ocs, AU (In fact, this takes place in our world)

Disclaimer: The people who own GW has the money to build an entire fleet of Leos and Virgos. Since I currently own only a book bag and some worksheets that are due really soon, that can't be me. Yeah, so I don't own GW. Kurama and Hiei from YYH, who make a guest appearance, do not belong to me either. They belong to their creator.

Notes: This struck me in a moment of insanity, so expect it to be stupid. This is what might happen if the GW guys manufactured their own personal computers and sold them. And I know most salesman don't allow customers to play around with the computers so much, but just take it as artistic license. ^^

Ian entered the electronics store, and began to look around. He cursed his luck, as he found himself in foreign territory. To him, computers were only used for typing, reading fanfics, and sending comments to other writers on the MLs. Whatever else computers could do, he had no idea.

He had gone to a Yaoi Convention last week, and much to his glee, met a few of his favourite writers at the yaoi discussion panel, bought loads of anime merchandise and doujinshis and took rolls of photos of various cosplayers. He should have known his luck wouldn't hold out. When he returned, he found that his computer had broken down due to his sister's so called innocent meddling. His school's computers were just too slow for him to read all those fanfics on his MLs, and even slower at downloading all those yaoi fanart. Furthermore, he wanted to share his photos and experience at the convention with his web friends so badly! Nearly drooling at those thoughts, he decided to get a new one quickly. He just couldn't wait.

"Good day, Sir. Do you need anything?"

He turned to the man in a white suit, undeniably a salesman, who was standing beside him. "Erm, I need to get a new PC…" Ian took a glance at the salesman's nametag. "…J."

J immediately perked up, and quickly led Ian to the computer section. "Oh yes, Sir! We've just had a new shipment of PCs! They're all very new, barely developed a few months ago! Take a look! I'm sure you'll like one of them!"

Ian winced as he was dragged away, his mind musing. 'This guy must've not sold a single thing for a very long time… No surprise there, though.' His mind was still a little far off when J let go of his hand, and was most certainly a little stunned at the sudden halt.

J moved over to where several computers were set up at various counters. He gestured to one of them, "See this? This is the Relena Computer, a fantastic computer for pacifists and diplomats! Many world leaders use this!"

He would have said more, but Ian interrupted with a grimace and a disgusted look. "Please! It's completely PINK! Even the keyboard and the mouse are pink! The world leaders don't buy it for themselves! They buy it for their daughter's Barbie dolls!"

"Okay, okay. How about this one?" J quickly moved over to another one.

Ian sweatdropped. "Haven't you read the latest PC World Magazine? The Lady Une computer is notorious for switching between working well, and going absolutely bonkers! And you are recommending it to me? C'mon! It's for schizophrenics!"

J quickly showed him another.

"Hmm… this looks fine to me." Ian finally said, scrutinizing the dark coloured PC. He placed his hand on the mouse, and clicked on an icon. "What? Groceries list? I don't want this…" He grumbled, and closed the window. Opening another one, he was disgruntled to find yet another supermarket's groceries list. When he tried a third icon and saw another list, he turned to the old salesman. "All this computer does is show me groceries list, when I don't even want 'em!"

"Well, the Hirde computer is meant for people who want to buy daily necessities from supermarkets online. Depending on which icon you click on, you can find groceries lists of various supermarkets." J explained, giving him a nervous smile.

"Do I look like a housewife?"

"Homemaker?" J suggested, laughing uncertainly.

Ian spared him another glare. "And you look like an idiot! Gimme another one!"

The salesman jumped a little at the shout, and quickly ducked behind a sleek white computer. "This one?" He asked in a timid voice.

Ian gave it an appreciative glance. "Nice screen saver." He laughed, as he saw a chibi pink-clad girl with wheat coloured hair getting shot repeatedly. By the time she fell to the ground, she vaguely resembled a beehive. He moved up to try it out. When he placed his hand on the mouse, he grumbled, "Hey! Why does this mouse only have the left button? Why did the right one go?"

"HC's mouse has only a the left button. According to the creator, it saves energy because there is no reason to work both fingers when you can work fine with only one." J answered.

"HC?"

"It's the abbreviation for Heero Computer. Although, people who like it call it Handsome Chap, while those who hate it call it Hateful Cur. Depends on every user."

Ian nodded, and looked back at the screen. After he moved the mouse, the screen saver disappeared and he could see the wallpaper. "Cool! I like this one!" He exclaimed, unconsciously letting out a wolf whistle. The wallpaper featured a violet-eyed boy with long, chestnut hair taking a shower. Mist was strategically placed to cover his modesty.

"Ah yes, most users like this wallpaper as well. But you should read the words at the bottom." J advised.

"See, but no touch." Ian read aloud, although he found it hard for the words to register in his mind with the seductive wallpaper staring back at him. "Try touching, and omae o korosu!" He sweatdropped, and gave up looking. The threat was stupid, but… it was better to play safe.

The teen clicked on the Internet icon, and he blinked when he saw the default homepage. "101 ways to kill Relena Peacecraft?" True to the title, the page listed many ways of murdering the most renowned and unfortunately, irritating politician in the world. Some methods were pretty conventional, like shooting her in the head or knocking her down with a car. But others were rather… innovative. There was one that suggested genetically altering her eyes so she would be unable to see pink forever, and she would die of misery. Another suggested telling her that Heero Yuy was gay, so she would die of a heart attack.

Ian chuckled. Whoever designed this web page certainly didn't like the girl the slightest bit.

Satisfied, he closed the Internet window. Then, he spied a weird looking icon. With a frown, he clicked on it. A new window opened, and showed a boy wearing a green tank top and black spandex shorts. A whole array of buttons of various shapes and sizes were at the right of the screen, while a bunch of numbers and tables were on the left.

"What's this?"

J took a look, and quickly explained, "This is a special program, found exclusively only in the HC. It is used to measure and show the flexibility and elasticity of spandex when worn in different situations. For instance, if you entered 'climbing a ladder' in the text box over here…" He typed the action in the box, and the virtual boy moved up a wooden ladder. A set of numbers appeared immediately on the left side of the screen. "See? The elasticity of spandex when you are climbing up a ten-ring ladder is 1.2 E, where E is elasticity."

"…I see. But what's the use of that?"

"Well, some people like wearing spandex all the time, so they might want to know how many pairs they need to bring with them when they're out on a mission or…" He seemed to have realized his mistake, and hastily added, "I did hear the creator of the HC is a huge fan of spandex."

"Okay…" Ian gave the HC a disbelieving stare, and shrugged. He closed the window. Seeing another weird icon below the spandex program, he clicked on it.

Another window popped up. This time, two people were in the middle of the screen. The left and right sides were occupied by various buttons and command boxes. "And this is?"

"The virtual Kama Sutra."

Ian choked. "THE WHAT?!"

"Virtual Kama Sutra. It comes only when the DC is purchased together. It shows the various sexual positions you may achieve with either one, or two partners. See? You can choose to have three people on the screen too, and you can enter the position you want them to demonstrate. Furthermore, you can design the characters you use too. For instance, people with a hair fetish may want the characters to have long hair. The best thing is that you can also choose the character's gender, so you can put two boys or two girls together."

"I know what the Kama Sutra is! What I want to know is why is this here?"

"You'll have to send a letter to Wing Inc. and ask the creator." J smirked. "Anyway, this program of the HC is pretty popular among young teenage girls. They always seem to be mumbling something that vaguely sounds like 'lemon scenes', 'yaoi' and 'fanfics'… whatever those are."

Ian perked up at the idea. He could use one of those too, and finish writing that steamy lemon scene between Kurama and Hiei… Luckily, he caught himself before he could drool on the keyboard.

"Wait, you mentioned something called DC…"

"Yes sir. The DC is the Duo Computer. Its creator is on fairly good terms with the creator of HC, so some of the features come together as a set."

"As a set, huh? Like what?

"For instance, the Kama Sutra shows up in both computers if bought as a set. Also, if you buy them together, you'll get other accessories in addition to the ones that come with only one computer." J paused, catching his breath. There were just too much to say. "If you buy the HC with the DC, you'll get two bottles of lubricant and a box of condoms in addition to the workable cannon if you had bought only the HC, and the hairbrush, lock picks and a miniature scythe if you had bought the DC alone."

"…Oh. I guess if I want an explanation, I would have to write to the creators?"

"Yes."

"…Okay." Ian decided it was safer for his sanity to ignore that. Fanfics aside, it was weird to have condoms and lube coming with computer purchases. It felt like the computers were the ones using them… He shuddered at the thought.

Banishing that thought, he opened up a word document. Settling his hands down on the keyboard, he started to type some random words. Suddenly, just when he was in the middle of a sappy scene between Kurama and Hiei, a 'Ninmu' appeared on the screen. Ian blinked. He was certain he hadn't typed that. He shrugged, and deleted that word away. Then, after some typing, a 'Ryoukai' appeared. He blinked again.

"Are you having problems with the keyboard?" J asked.

"Yea. Words that I don't type keep appearing on the screen! I know I have the tendency to type wrongly, but it can't be that bad…"

J moved up and pointed at the keyboard. "Quite a few new users of the HC also had this problem initially. See these buttons?"

Ian took a closer look. On the far right side of the keyboard, there were a few strange buttons that had the words 'Ninmu', 'Ryoukai', 'Kanryou', 'Hn' and 'Omae o korosu'. "What's all these?"

"They're special buttons that gives you word when you press it. Like, if you pressed the 'Hn' button, 'Hn' would appear on your screen immediately. It saves time."

"But for what? These words are useless!"

J shrugged. Ian got an idea that he needed to ask the creator… again.

"Anyway, if you buy the DC together, we'll give you a special keyboard."

"What's so special about it?"

"Apart from all these special buttons, there's another that goes 'baka'."

Ian sweatdropped, and turned back to his document. On habit, he saved the document. "Oh no… I gotta delete this away." Saying so, his hand moved over to the 'delete' button on the keyboard. Finding none, he decided to ask for help… from the computer that is. He clicked on the 'Help' function.

Almost immediately, a red word flashed on the screen. It read 'Baka', and after that faded away, a set of instructions appeared. As Ian read the instructions on how to delete the file, the word 'Baka' kept flashing on the screen.

"Hey! What's this 'Baka' crap about?"

"Oh, it's the 'Help' function."

"I know! But why is the HC calling me an idiot?"

"You asked for help." J answered, not a bit sympathizing.

Ian growled, but finally got the idea of how to delete his file. He clicked on the file's icon, and dragged it to the recycle bin. When the file got into the recycle bin, Ian heard a sound booming out of the speakers.

There was the distinct sound of paper being torn up, and someone said, "Omae o korosu."

"What the hell?"

"That's the recycle bin. It sort of tears up the deleted file, and says 'I will kill you' to the user." J replied with a grin, who was getting a kick at seeing someone freaked out by the HC. God knows how shocked he was when he first used it.

Ian muttered something to himself about 'crazy old man', but continued trying the HC. Suddenly, a big yellow box appeared in the middle of the screen, and started flashing. He read the black text in the yellow box.

"Warning: Pink within vicinity!"

He nearly laughed out loud. "What? Pink within vicinity?"

J snickered. "Yes, it is a unique characteristic of the HC. It gives its users a warning sign when it senses the presence of any pink object within a 10 meter radius."

Ian laughed harder. When his laughter died down, he returned to the computer, and he noticed that the warning had disappeared. It probably meant that the pink object had moved out the HC's radar system. Suddenly, Ian noted an increase in computer speed.

"Hey… the computer's speed is increasing."

"Oh, that must be because the HC sensed the presence of a black object within 20 meters."

"What?"

"Like the warning it gives when it senses pink, the HC perks up when it senses black. Supposedly, its speed increases even more when it senses black, purple and chestnut together. I haven't tried that yet, though. I'm worried that the HC will work so fast that it gets overloaded."

Ian chuckled. Too bad he didn't know the creator of the HC. Surely, he'd have a really interesting story about the computer to inspire his next fanfic. Turning back to the HC, he continued exploring. Who knew a PC could be so fun?

He must have worked it too hard, however, for the HC suddenly jammed. "Oh no…" On instinct, Ian pressed the 'escape' button on the keyboard, much to the horror of J.

"NO! Don't press that!" The old man yelled, running away as fast as the chopsticks he called his legs could carry him.

Ian was left there, pretty much bewildered. "Hey… what's wrong with pressing 'escape'? Weird old fellow…" Then, he heard a voice coming out of the computer.

"Ninmu ryoukai."

And it exploded.

Minutes later, the smoke cleared away. Ian was still standing there, although his clothes were charred, and his skin covered with soot.

"I tried to tell you," J said as he walked back to the computer counter cautiously, "But you were too fast. The HC explodes when you press 'escape' because it's a mission failure!"

Ian coughed, and a puff of smoke was seen. "Does this also happen if I reset the HC?"

J thought for a moment. "No."

"Okay, I'm buying it. She'll never know what hit her the next time she messes with my computer!" He grinned.

~End of Episode 1~

Sorceress Fantasia @ 2nd November 2002

Proud member of 1x2ML, GWML, HDML, SDDI