Title: GW Computer Wars Episode 6: Special DC installment

Author: Sorceress Fantasia

Pairings: implied 1x2

Warnings: Humor, OCs, AU (In fact, this takes place in our world), Relena bashing

Disclaimer: The people who own GW has the money to build an entire fleet of Leos and Virgos. Since I currently own only a book bag and some worksheets that are due really soon, that can't be me. Yeah, so I don't own GW.

Note: This struck me in a moment of insanity, so expect it to be stupid. This is what might happen if the GW guys manufactured their own personal computers and sold them.

"Hi Stanley!" Ian said, waltzing into his friend's room. Well, technically, it was Owen's brother's room, but hey, Stanley was a good friend too.

"Hey man! It's been a while since I last saw you!" Stanley replied, turning around in his chair. He gestured to his bed, and Ian and his younger brother flopped onto it carelessly. "What brings you here all of a sudden?"

Ian smirked. "Nothing much. But Owen told me about your new computer, and I just couldn't resist the urge to come and take a peek. What's it anyway?"

"Deana has got the DC, right? Well, the one I just bought is the newest version of the DC. It's got quite a few new features, from what I heard."

Owen nodded. "Right. I went online and searched around the official website of the Maxwell Company, and it explains that there's quite a bit of differences in the two versions. There are new pre-installed programs, new components, new accessories and new abilities."

"That many new stuff? Oh, Deana is gonna be so upset when I tell her about this," Ian sighed melodramatically, much like the ill-fated female protagonist of some old soap opera. "She shouldn't have bought her DC so soon."

"Ian, don't bully Deana," Stanley advised, "You'll be at the losing end when she whines about it to your parents."

He groaned, recalling the time when Deana had complained about him refusing to return her purse. In the end, their parents had confiscated his wallet and all the money inside. It was just so unfair; obviously, their parents preferred a girl. "Don't remind me, or I may be tempted to actually do it. My parents can't take away my HC!"

Owen sniggered.

"So," Ian pushed himself off the bed, "can I explore your DC now?"

Stanley shrugged, and vacated his seat nonchalantly. "Go ahead."

Ian plopped himself onto the cushioned chair, and eyed the new DC warily. Vaguely, he wondered if the DC would finally have a functioning 'escape' button. Would it explode like his beloved HC now? Then he brushed the idea off. Owen had damn near murdered him when his QC had exploded; he would probably carry out that threat if his brother's brand new DC blew up in his face now. And no one would ever find all his body parts if Owen went Zero on him.

It was better to try out the new programs, he mused. Safer too. "Hey, what new programs are there?"

"Try the last three icons on my desktop," Stanley answered.

Ian obliged, and clicked on the first one. The screen blanked out, and soon, a line of text scrolled across the screen. It read, 'The Study of Japanese Boys' body language'. Now that intrigued Ian, because as far as he knew, the creator of HC was of Japanese descent. Why would the DC have this program pre-installed? Added to the free condoms and lubricant given if the HC and DC were bought together, and the virtual Kama Sutra, Ian was seriously thinking if the creators of the HC and DC were involved, one way or another.

The text disappeared, and a book materialized on the screen. It flipped open on its own accord, and settled on a page. There was the title of the program on the top left corner, and a search box appeared below it. The right page of the book-like screen was empty.

"Just type anything. Any actions," Owen prompted.

"Okay…" Ian said, and typed 'raise an eyebrow'.

Almost immediately, a list of results appeared below the search box. Ian clicked on the first one. "If said action is directed at a friend, it means that whatever suggestion the friend had just said is completely stupid, irrelevant and should be immediately discarded," he read.

He clicked on the next one, and the explanation appeared on the right 'page' of the screen. "If said action is directed at someone who has shown contempt at the Japanese boy or his companions, it means that the 'someone' should book a room with the nearest hospital, or if the contempt is especially offensive, he should also call up his lawyer and have his will written."

Another click. "If said action is directed at female blonde airheads, especially those whose name starts with R and dresses in all pink, it means the blonde is sinfully irritating and should be carted away immediately. Else, the place may get wrecked in a matter of minutes with the usage of a gun or two. And everyone in the area should start running away if there is a bazooka nearby."

The last option, which was if the action was directed at American boys with braided chestnut hair, meant that the Japanese boy probably wanted to do something that needed an extraordinary amount of lubricant.

Ian raised his eyebrow.

"You're not Japanese, ya know?" Owen drawled, and Stanley stifled a laugh.

Ian just glared at them via the screen, typing another action into the search box. However, he soon found out that it was the same; while the actions usually meant nothing good to others, they all meant something… sexual with regards to 'American boys with braided chestnut hair'. Now Ian finally understood why a box of condoms and lubricants came free of charge with the purchase of both the HC and DC.

Suddenly, a little icon started to blink. "Stanley, what's this mean?"

Stanley peered over his shoulder. "Oh! It's an update! Well, new actions are occasionally added to this program, as soon as the creator of the DC has more of them. And he just includes the new action into the program, and we get updates! Pretty cool, huh?"

Ian blinked at him. "Yeah, real cool…"

With a short and crisp request, Ian downloaded the update. However, he had gotten bored with the program already, and shut it off. Staring at the next icon suspiciously, he double clicked on it. The screen, like before, blanked out, and the words '101 pet names to call Chinese boys' popped out.

"What is this?" Ian asked incredulously.

"Apparently, the creator of the DC likes playing pranks on Chinese boys. It's cute, if you ask me," Stanley replied.

Ian was suddenly relieved that Irvine wasn't here with him. If he had, he'd probably kick up the biggest fuss he could manage over the program. Then again, he could still use whatever this program taught him to go ruffle Irvine's feathers. He smiled evilly over that thought.

The program finished loading, and like the previous program, the screen was shaped like an opened book. On the left page was a set of instructions.

"All the pet names that are given are in no way meant to hurt, unless the Chinese boy has a fragile heart, in which case it is better to not use this program. In other cases, please feel free to use them to pester your Chinese friend. However, also take heart that all the pet names should not be used on females, as they will very likely put laxatives in your coffee at the earliest possible chance. And one more thing to note: before you start calling all these, it is highly recommended that you are able to run at least 5 kilometers to get away from the irate boy who may be wielding his katana. You are also advised to purchase a bullet-proof vest if the Chinese boy owns a gun."

Ian noted them all; he would have to be careful about using them on Irvine later. Irvine had a katana and a set of knives that came with his TC, but Ian was pretty sure he had no gun. That was a good thing, because that meant that he only had to train up to run the 5 km, and that his bank account was seriously running low on funds.

"And just to make it easier on users, all the pet names will be applied on a common (we think) Chinese name: 'Wufei'. The name has no special meaning to it, except to anyone who coincidentally has this name. If so, the Maxwell Company sincerely apologizes… well, not really."

They all smirked.

"Let's see the first one. Fei-chan. Wu-chan. Wu-baby. Wu-bear. Wu-buttercup. Wuffles. Fei… Wow, there's quite a lot of them… It'll take me loads of time to copy or remember all these… Hey, Stanley. Can I just download the program into my HC?"

Stanley shook his head. "Nah. This program can't be downloaded into any other computers or even copied. I heard it's because the creator of the DC's worried that the program would end up in a WC. Says it'd crash."

Ian pouted disappointedly. "Damn, and I was so hoping to use them on Irvine."

"Better not," Owen cut in. "Irvine has a katana, and he's not afraid to use it on you. 'Sides, he's on the school track team. You'd never outrun him, and before we know it, you'd end up in pieces. I think he sharpens his katana on a weekly basis. How else does it look so sharp every time I see it?"

"Point taken," Ian's voice came out much like a squeak. He had forgotten about that.

"Too bad the new DC doesn't come with body armor…" Owen said. "Otherwise, you might still have a chance."

Stanley reached under his bed, and pulled out something. "Oh yes it does. When I bought the DC, they gave me a body plate. It's supposedly to protect the abdomen from punches at that area. But hey, Irvine probably won't be slashing you at your stomach. He'd take your head off." He grinned.

"Is that the new accessory?" Ian asked curiously. "Anything else?"

"Yeah. They gave me a silver cross too. Said it's for decoration purposes. I think I'm supposed to attach it to the monitor, but I think it looks nicer on me," he replied, putting the necklace around his neck and grinning.

Ian raised his eyebrow, but decided that it was better for his health to not think too deeply into the issue. "You know, there's something I don't like about the DC. It's slow! My HC is much faster and more efficient!"

Owen grinned, shooting him a look that indicated mischief. "Oh yeah? Just wait till you see this!" he exclaimed, and climbed off the bed. Taking a small bowl of sugar that was on the table, something that Ian didn't notice before, Owen got to the CPU. Carefully, he slid open a small compartment at the side of the CPU, and put in a few tablespoons of sugar, ignoring Ian's wide-eyed looks. "Okay! Try using the DC again!"

He obliged. To his amazement, the computer did indeed operate much faster. "How!?"

"Well, the sugar makes the DC go on a sugar frenzy. Gives him more energy too," Stanley answered casually as if he had been talking about the weather. "The bad thing about is that sometimes ants will come too. But they say you can try putting coffee powder too. Must be the caffeine."

Ian nearly fell over in his chair. "My god…"

Owen leapt forward to take the mouse. "And if you think that's cool, wait till you see the new game!" He clicked on the very last icon on the desktop, and the screen quickly turned pink. A sledgehammer swung down, and the pink screen shattered into glass pieces, disappearing from view. Words popped up onscreen, reading 'Fall of the Pink Mansion'.

Then the words faded away like a gust of wind, and a pink mansion appeared. The screen panned in, and showed the house from all angles possible as though it was a blueprint under intense scrutiny by the gamers.

"What in the world is this?" Ian asked, but was quickly hushed by his friend.

The screen zoomed into one of the windows on the second floor, and a girl who resembled Relena Peacecraft, the notorious politician whom both the creators of the HC and DC seemed to hate with fervor. Whatever did she do to them to warrant such violence against her? Then he shrugged, not really concerned with that since he didn't like her all that much either. Probably a lot of people don't like her too, he mused, noting that sales of the HC and DC were rocketing according to news reports.

"So what am I supposed to do?"

"You're an assassin, and you're supposed to sneak inside the pink mansion and kill Relena Peacecraft," Owen answered.

"She's really Relena Peacecraft?" Ian asked, startled.

Stanley nodded. "We think so… She really looks like her. Anyway, this game is rated E for everybody, so it has got to be her."

"She's got a lot of enemies, huh?"

Owen and Stanley nodded sagely. Ian decided to turn back to the screen.

He raised an eye at the screen, when it zoomed into the main gate and icons appeared beside it. A sentence appeared: Choose something to open the door. He looked at the choices available. There was a hairpin, chainsaw, and a key. He picked the key, and the gate swung open. Doing likewise when he arrived at the door of the mansion, he finally got in without a bit of effort. Inside, many servants were shocked to see him.

His onscreen persona yelled, "Where is she?"

Suddenly, all the servants started to point up the stairs. "Up on the second story, third room from the right!"

"Man… and I thought my house had security problems!" Ian exclaimed, as his character rushed up the stairs amidst some wild cheering.

It wasn't long before he got into the room the Relena look-alike was in, and she shrieked loudly and shrill enough to shatter the windows and everything made of glass in the room. Luckily, Owen had turned off the speakers a second before she started to scream or they would all suffer from poor hearing from then on. Once it was over, Owen turned the speakers on again.

Various icons popped onscreen. Ian grinned when he saw them. Bazooka, rocket launcher, tank, laser cannon, bulldozer, tractor, chain saw, katana, .44 magnum, laser saber, sword, spear, darts, butter knife, arsenic, DDT, pesticide… you name it, they have it. He picked a simple can of pesticide and sprayed at her, and she promptly fell to the ground all curled up like a bug.

"You're lucky you didn't choose a whip, man. It turns S&M if you do," Owen said, shivering involuntarily from the image it brought. Ian and Stanley did likewise.

Suddenly, the computer screen went blank.

"Hey, what happened? I didn't do a thing!" Ian yelled.

Stanley slapped his forehead. "If I'm not wrong, that idiot next door just pressed 'escape' on his HC. Again. It's the third time this week!"

"I don't see what that has got do with this," Ian said, gesturing to the now quiet DC.

"Somehow, the new DC has the ability to shut down when a HC nearby self-destructs. They say it's some sorta defense mechanism against depression… I don't know…" Owen answered with a shrug. Inwardly, he was thinking that at least his QC didn't have this problem.

Ian sweatdropped, then his eyes took on an unholy gleam. "You know… I think I'm going to trade in Deana's DC for the new one."

"Why?" The brothers asked in chorus.

"Because every time she tries to press 'escape' on my HC, her poor DC is not gonna work either," he replied sinisterly. And he started to laugh crazily until Owen punched him in the gut.

"Oww…"

Stanley quickly slid the body plate under his tummy.

-owari-