The jump to fly before the fall
Warning – Possible triggers for suicidal thoughts/suicide and other related issues. Please read with caution.
When we are born we are destined to die. This is the one inevitability that not a force on earth can control. However, if you think about it, death is a strange concept but, then again, so is the life we are born to live. Even now with the wind blowing harshly against me as I stand as still as a statue with my iron gripped hands against the cold metal rail behind me these thoughts swirl throughout my fogged mind of confusion, self doubt and self hatred.
Questions such as 'what's the point of all this?' and 'why can't we decide our own fates?' swirl around in my thoughts as I desperately search the corners of my mind to grasp at answers I will never receive or won't believe. It almost seems like a trap sometimes. Life I mean. We're born from our mothers and brought up in the best society's they can provide for us and then maybe afterwards when we're older we'll repeat their histories by getting jobs, falling in 'love', having kids and raising them to follow the rules and regulations we've been restricted to throughout our whole lives. If we fail to abide by the rules we are punished. If we refuse to comply we are forced. If we are different we are branded with hurtful labels which regardless of what they entail are judgemental. But at the end of this, regardless of who or what we are, there is the one constant companion that walks hand in hand with all life. Death.
This is what I'm contemplating high up in the beautiful city of London. My eyes follow the few people who seem like ants at this height as they rush towards their homes after probably a hard day at work so they can reach their loving wives or husbands or children etc. I'd call them lucky and be jealous but in all fairness they'd look upon my achievements and probably feel the same.
I don't have a bad life. I never claimed anything horrific or traumatising had ever happened to me as a child. My parent's had never beaten me, hated me or got divorced and yet they never smothered me either. I wasn't the most popular among my friends but I never had none neither. My relationships weren't hard to look back upon but they weren't perfect. The one man I've always loved cares for me but he never loved me.
In fact to be quite honest so far I've had a pretty good life. I have a famous vlog, I'm a radio host, I have supportive friends and family, millions of fans, all I could ever want and yet…The darkness seeps through into me constantly and has slowly but gradually turned me against myself and everyone who loves me. Speaking of love…
I suppose that's something that people are always striving for right? The other half to make yourself whole? Soul mates? The only person who could possibly be yours? Bullshit. I mean, don't let me put you off any of this if it's what your believe but at the same time try and understand that I'm not exactly on board with the whole idea. I mean it sounds good but in theory it's…Well, just another theory in this pretty fucked up world. Maybe I believed in it once upon a time but now…Not so much. But then of course there's him.
I smile slightly thinking back to when I met him. I can't resist. He has a funny way of doing that whether it's from the words he says or the gestures of love, comfort and friendship which he has always given me. He's what I can only describe as the constant light in my darkened world and the one person I believe in. Even now I don't want him here inside my mind but from that moment I met him 5 years ago at that train station in Manchester and he wormed his way into my life it was then that he became my life. The one which, if he was here right now, he would be telling me that I'm throwing away. But in the end no matter how much he tried to he'll never understand. I mean how can you explain something to someone that you don't even understand yourself? My hands loosen their grip slightly as more sinister thoughts return telling me he'd be better off without me anyway and that I'm too flawed to be a part of such perfection. Although that might be true I can at least bask in the joy of having spent these years with him regardless of how they were spent.
The bright light of the sunset would blind me if I dared to tilt my head ever so slightly from where my eyes had become fixated towards my inevitable demise. I just let myself imagine for a second what it would feel like to leap forwards and throw myself from the balcony. To soar down towards the ground where my body would meet its bone crushing impact and instantly take away the life I was supposed to hold so dear. Would it feel like I was flying? Even just for a second? Or would it just feel like my mind does now, spiralling down?
This is the only way to end the darkness and madness that's constantly etched through the dark corridors of my brain and consumes it in this negativity. I thought about the possibilities of heaven and hell and all that other religious shit that everyone always seems to be arguing over or going on about and to be quite honest I don't care about any of that. I'm not doing this for any pearly gates and clouds or fiery pits and pitch forks. I'm doing this for the silence. No more words. No more sounds. No more lingering darkness. Just complete and utter nothingness.
Fighting the urge to keep holding on I rip my gaze away from the ground and twist my whole body round so I'm facing with my back towards the ground and looking at the inside of my flat. I almost reconsider and climb back over. I could turn the TV on and just sit there and wait for him to come home and he'll greet me with one of his famous hugs and then proceed to tell me what embarrassing spectacle he made of himself in public today or if he saw any fans or other amusing adventures he embarked on without me. I'm not resentful. In a way I suppose you could say I'm envious. I envy his carefree nature and his childish ways. The way he can face each day with a smile. His beauty, his strength, his charm just…Everything about him is what I craved to be. He was my idol from a young age and I'm incredibly grateful that he allowed me to spend my life with him. And accidentally fall in love with him of course but that's not important right now.
I only just noticed the tears slowly gracing my cheeks as my breathing becomes staggered. I smile at the irony that thinking of someone whose caused me so much happiness could cause me to cry when I don't even shed a single tear for my own life which I'm about to destroy. Damn him. But bless him too. I think I'm ready now.
I failed to notice him enter the apartment as I close my eyes. However they fly open when I hear him approaching me. Time felt endlessly frozen as he stared as me. Even the wind seemed to have halted its movement as he came closer and asked me what the hell I thought I was doing. Even when he tried to be angry I can see the fear and horror reflecting in those beautiful eyes. You were never meant to be here or see me like this. But even now I can't stop what I'm doing. I gestured him to come closer by reaching with an outstretched hand in his direction. He moved closer and gripped my arm tightly, eyes full of ushered tears. I pulled his body roughly towards me and enveloped him in an inviting hug and he begin sobbing and begging me not to leave him. Although I don't believe in love I can feel my heart being abruptly town to shreds as he cry in my arms for me. How can someone like him cry for someone like me when I can't even cry for myself?
He pulls back slightly and tugs the back of jacket as if signalling for me to climb back over and that everything was going to be alright. Deep down I think he must have known that wasn't going to happen. But I saw this as an opportunity to be selfish just one more time.
I surged forwards and crashed my lips against his in a passionate kiss pouring every last emotion my body could handle onto his lips. When his mouth moved hotly against mine it was in desperation and love in an attempt to save me. In all honesty I never really wanted it to end but like life all things come to an end. Mine quite literally.
He whispered my name against my lips as I broke the kiss and this time I finally spoke to him.
"I love you, Phil"
He smiled his wonderful watery smile and opened his mouth to reply.
"But you can't save me" His eyes widened in horror
Pushing off of him sent him flying back away from my tumbling body as the wind clouded my ears.
I heard his hoarse voice screaming my name as I closed my eyes, remembering and savouring his sweet scent and the taste of his lips before-
AN – Thank you for reading! Please feel free to leave a review! However I would like to request that any negative feedback given towards this story please not be directed at the thoughts which are written as unfortunately they are quite personal and recent. Other than that I hope you enjoyed!