Bakura's Guide to Fighting...Dirty

By: Neko-chan

A/N: ^_^;; Firstly, before I go on with the fic, let me tell you that this was inspired by Blue Diamond's review for chapter four of "Youth of the Nation." So I give Blue credit for this fic (and also a scene with Ryou and Bakura in chapter four! LOL!). Anyway, I hope you guys like it. I may or may not write more chapters to this. It depends on the reviews that I get. *innocent cough* And, of course, this story is dedicated to you, Blue Diamond. ^_~

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh! and this story's idea goes to Blue Diamond. Oh, and Lavender-Monkey-Sama writes my stories. So I can't even claim to own THEM. ;_;

Lavender-Monkey-Sama-Who-Writes-Neko-chan's-Stories: Yeah, that's right. *smirk smirk*

...hey, Lavender-Monkey-Sama, did ya know that in India, they eat MONEKY'S BRAINS as dessert? *innocent smile smile*

Personally, there's one thing that I think every person needs to know, and that's how to fight. Yes, that's right. Every person needs to know how to fight. Aibou doesn't agree with me on this, but that's why he always gets his ass kicked whenever the bullies pick on him. Hopefully, this Guide will help him. (I'll probably get yelled at later for this Guide, but who cares? Yuugi punches harder than my aibou, as much as I hate to admit it.)

So, let me introduce you to... "Bakura's Guide To Fighting...Dirty."

Lesson Number One: "Oh, By RA!"

You're alone, you're cornered, and that big nasty bully who you absolutely HATE is slithering up to you with that glint in his eyes. You know you're about to get into a fight and you decided that you aren't gonna call your yami----LIKE SOME AIBOUS THAT WILL GO UNMENTIONED... So this is what you do:

Point to the sky behind the bully with a terrified look on your face, scream "Oh, BY RA!!!" at the top of your lungs. When that idiot turns around to see what you're pointing at, kick him in the balls. End of fight.

Easy, huh? Now, if only CERTAIN AIBOUS THAT WILL GO UNMENTIONED will just take my advice and DO it. But I'm sure my audience is smarter than certain unnamed aibous, ne?

Lesson Number Two: Whack It, Whack It Good

Imagine the same scenario as above. You're alone, you're cornered, and you STILL WON'T CALL YOUR YAMI!!! And, to top it all off...the bully that you're fighting is actually SMART. So lesson number one is already ruled out.

So what do you do? You look around yourself. You see a big, heavy, long stick. And, as much as I hate my aibou's calculus, it's like a math problem:

Point A is the Stick. Line B is the Air. Point C is the Bully's Head. Line D is the path you take to get to your house and Point E is your House. So, you start with Point A. Point A travels along Line B and connects with Point C. After Point A connects with Point C, you travel along Line D until you reach Point E.

See? Lesson number two isn't so hard to understand, now is it? Probably a lot easier than those damn word problems that aibou likes so much...

Lesson Number Three: Peppers Are Good

This is an invention that I LOVE. And how often do you hear me saying this? Not often, you idiots! Anyway, if this invention had been invented back in ancient Egypt, just imagine how many times I would have been able to get away from Pharaoh's guards! It almost makes me regret not going to school to learn stuff. Anyway, if you hadn't guessed it, this invention that I'm talking about is so ingenious, so marvelous,; and yet, it's so simple. It's...Pepper Spray.

So, once again, you're backed into a corner. You STILL refuse to call your yami. But, you DO have that small object that he gave to you the night before. You don't want to use it, but you also don't want to get popped one from your yami because you STILL aren't taking his advice. And so you take out the Pepper Spray your yami gave to you.

It's simple to do, too.

You take it out, you aim, and you press that little button at the top of the can. And Pepper Spray sprays everywhere!...but mostly in that bully's eyes. So, while he's fighting and crying like a baby (and your yami is cackling manically in his Soul Room), you run as fast as you possibly can. After all, you don't want to be around when he flushes it out of his eyes, do you?

Lesson Number Four: Use Your YAMI!!!

Now, by some miracle (mainly your yami smacking you on the head so many times that you think you might have brain damage), you finally decide to use your yami. This is a smart move. USE IT! CALL YOUR YAMI!

So, you call your yami. They do these things: Kill the stupid idiot that would ever even DREAM of touching their aibou, they mind crush 'em, they torture 'em, they make the stupid idiot go insane, they send them to the Shadow Realm, they lock them in a closet with Pegasus for a couple of hours, or (my favorite) they play a 'game' with the idiot.

And see? Problem solved right there.

A/N: Anyway...if I decide to continue this, I'll be having four lessons each chapter. And YES! I AM accepting submissions! Any suggestions to "Bakura's Guide To Fighting...Dirty"? Well, send 'em in via review! (I'm too lazy to check my email. x.x;;) Ja! ^_~