Disclaimer: I don't own the Legend of Zelda. If I did, well, I probably wouldn't be writing this right now. xD
"Help Wanted" is rated "T" for some mild language and adult themes.

Help Wanted
A Legend of Zelda Fanfiction



The cranky old man raised his eyebrow at me, the numerous hairs on his unibrow swaying back and forth with the faint breeze that swept the stench of old men, sweat, horse dung, and gobs and gobs of rupees across Castle Town. During the earlier part of the job interview, I became so bored of his useless blabbering about how Garters and Thongs was the greatest clothing store in all of Castle Town despite the intense competition from cheaper and—quite frankly, better—retailers that I counted all of the individual hairs on his unibrow. (There are three hundred and sixty-eight, if you're morbidly curious.) Even though the business was losing a crap ton of money—obviously—he was still stubbornly hiring a new employee (according to him, preferably a good-looking female, wait a minute, did he think…?) anyways, because that would help promote business as he was doing Castle Town's still-struggling economy a "favor." I discreetly mumbled something about how the name wasn't really helping his cause earlier, but I don't think he caught the memo.

He gave some sort of an exasperated sigh—seriously, and he thought he was frustrated, try being forced to listen to your own nonsense for three hours—and set his fancy Flouncy Co.'s exquisite quill pen daintily, well, as daintily as a fat man wearing a suit three sizes too small could. Wait a minute, Link, didn't you say you've been listening to him for three hours in this interview and he just now asked for your name? Are you being an unreliable narrator and exaggerating things heavily? Yes, the dude rambled about his holiness-ness for a whopping three hours before he even bothered to ask me my name. It's the goddess-damn unfortunate truth.

"A proper Garters and Thongs employee has a full name, Mr. Link."

I sighed. Most human beings have full names, regardless of whether or not they're an employee of your shitty company. I really hated when official stuff demanded my full name. The story behind "Link" was a bit of a long one and a bit of a tear-jerker and quite frankly I didn't want to tell it, especially not to Mr. Head-Up-His-Ass.

"I do not go by my real name anymore," I finally said quietly, unable to hide the tinge of sadness that filled my voice. "I just go by Link."

"Well," he said with an excruciatingly loud smack of his lips as he pushed up his foggy glasses up his bulbous nose and made a mark on my interview paper disapprovingly with a tsk-tsk sound over and over again. "Do you have a proper place of origin, then?"

I narrowed my eyes at his gratingly condescending tone, taking deep breaths and remembering what Ilia said about my temper. I liked to think I was a pretty easy-going guy, but if you got me angry, then, well, things got…messy.

"I come from Ordon," I finally said, cringing at how fake my own voice sounded. "It is a small village in the outlying province of Ordona. As you can see from my résumé, I worked with…"

"Do you have any retail experience?" Mr. Pompous Ass asked, ignoring me completely as if he could not hear a damn word I said. I couldn't stop my fist from clenching, a rush of anger coming over me. It took all of my self restraint to keep those fantasies of me wringing his neck and throwing him into a pit of darkness in my head where they properly belonged.

"I come from Ordon," I finally repeated, making no effort at this point to keep my voice sickly sweetly fake. "We had one store, sir. There simply wasn't a demand or opportunity for me to work retail."

Not that I would have, anyways.

Another disapproving cluck of the tongue as I watched him write savage dog from the prairie on my interview sheet. I tried to focus on how the flab rolled on his chest like some sort of ballet of the obese, as that was at least pretty funny and not that this guy was a total asshole with absolutely no respect for Ordon or the hardworking people in this world and it's shitheads like him that make me lose hope in humanity and wish I never rescued them in the first place and…

I took deep breaths again as my own thoughts became rambly and incoherent. Calm, Link. Keep Calm. You've faced so much worse than this.

"What are your skills, Mr. Link?"

I closed my eyes, resting a hand on my weary forehead. I had one skill that I guaranteed not a single soul in Hyrule did, one skill that made me special, one that made me stick out of the pack…

"I am the hero who saved Hyrule."

It was quiet, tentative, as if I didn't even believe the words that came out of my mouth, but it was the truth.

I cringed at the maniacal laughter that echoed throughout all of Castle Town. My face burned bright crimson as everyone in the plaza stared at me, the twenty year old so-called "hero" who couldn't even get a minimum-wage job, the country bumpkin who was a useless savage from the prairie. Although they made but one sound, all I could hear was their own fitful outrageous laughter, so loud that it echoed, echoed, and echoed…

Unable to contain my inner rage anymore, I knocked over the table, feeling a tinge of satisfaction as the action caused his quill ink to smack right in the middle of his lime-green ensemble and I relished in his unhappy expression, crushing the wooden chair in two due to his immense weight, and he finally cannonballed into the stone. He was so lucky that it was only a table and that I didn't have my Master Sword…

"Thank you for the opportunity," I finally said more confidently than I felt, walking away and desperately trying to ignore the gasps and stares of the citizens of Hyrule. As I walked, that annoying voice in my head jabbered at me.

C'mon, you didn't get pissed at Bokoblins and a stuffy Castle Town employer is what causes you to lose your cool? What kind of hero are you?

"What kind of hero am I?" I repeated aloud, this time my voice was soft and barely audible as I wandered into a back alley to sit and sulk for a moment. Three years ago, I was on top of the world. Sure, it wasn't easy fighting all of those baddies, there were moments that truly terrified me, and I lost my first love, but my life had purpose. It had meaning. I was needed, wanted even. After I returned to Ordon, I continued my peaceful life as a ranch hand, but something was missing, something didn't feel quite right, and I left for this wonderful place a week ago. I did have a reason for coming here, something that would make me feel whole again, but I just couldn't face myself to…

"Excuse me good sir, I happened to hear that you were the man who saved Hyrule," I suddenly heard. I turned, raising my eyebrow slightly as I saw a bumbling old man donned in some oversized brown cloak. I couldn't make out his face, only massive thick glasses that obviously weren't for vision and that he was a scrawny thing. His voice sounded a bit odd…like it was unnatural, yet it was somehow familiar…

"Yeah, that's me," I said in a slightly cynical voice, as I studied the person from head to toe. "Who are you, old man?"

I know, I know. It's rude to call an elderly gentleman "old man." But there was something about this geezer…

The old man waved his arms, the oversized sleeves whacking me in the face with so much force it nearly broke my nose. "I am but a humble old man with a little side business, and I could use a strong lad like you to…"

I took a step closer, not to intimidate the poor sap, but to observe closer, as I just couldn't shake the feeling that I not only knew this strange man, but I knew him well…

With every step I took, the guy took another back, as if desperate for me not to see the face underneath the hood. He continue to ramble, as I continued to block him out and try to use my thick head for once and pay attention to the small details until I heard…

"…I need you."

It was those very words, the words I'd selfishly craved to hear for these past three years, that banished all sense of depression and self-deprecation out of my heart. It was with those very words that I knew exactly who was standing before me, despite their very—pathetic, if I may say honestly—enthusiastic attempts to dissuade me. Not saying anything, I moved closer and closer until I back my companion into a corner, with them unable to take another step away. With them pinned, I had them, I had them trapped, and I reached for their hood…

Pulling down the retched hood that covered their face, I leaned in before they had a chance to react and deeply kissed the one before me.

"Thank you, Zelda."

Huh, a little shorter and more serious than I was originally anticipating, but you know I let things write themselves. This is inspired by my current job hunt, as I am very qualified for some of these positions yet for some reason people less-qualified than me get the job. It's very frustrating! This was also a very interesting side of TP Link I haven't really explored yet.

Anyways, please leave a review! It would fill my heart with spaceships and cookies. :)