Disclaimer: Why do we even have these?! If we were the owners of HELLSING, would we not be utilizing these ideas of ours and turn them into actual episodes?! And another thing…*rants and raves on and on and on*

'Made Man'

(Or otherwise known as 'How Walter Gained Alucard's Respect')

A young man strode the lengthy halls of Hellsing Manor. He descended at every set of stairs he encountered, eventually ending up further and further in the bowels of the old English mansion. He passed by many of the armed personnel of the 'HELLSING Institute'; the younger soldiers look upon the young man with awe and reverence, while the older men shook their heads at him and the tragic folly of youth. A deafening silence descended wherever the young man passed and some of the men even lined on either side of the marble corridors in a row, flanking the way for him like some perverse 'guard-of-honour' for the dead. And as he filed passed them, the silence was broken as men whispered in hushed voices.

"Och, thare goes a brave soul.

"Aye, brave yet foolish."

"E's really goin' ha'ead with hit, hizn't 'e Jack?"

"Oi reckon!! But 'e hain't gonna succeed!! Himagine what that monster's gunna do t' 'im--"

 "That's ehnoof outta of all ye!!" Barked their commanding officer Captain Montgomery Harrison who suddenly appeared. "Get back t' work ye fooking layabouts and let the dead lad walk!!"

As the soldiers shuffled off mutely to do their duties (some stole a last glance at the retreating figure), Captain Harrison glanced at the end of the corridor the young man disappeared to. His hardened features softened while he released a wistful sigh before shaking his grizzled head.

"Crazy. Fooking crazy."

*          ~          *          ~          *

The young man was still making his way down towards Hellsing Manor's subterranean vaults. Finally, he stopped before massive basement doors, took a deep breath and allowed his senses to adjust to the murky gloom of the underground corridor. Closing his eyes, the young man lowered his head as if in prayer. But he was actually deep in thought and trying to calm his nerves. If he succeeded in his risky, exceptionally perilious venture, then the payoff would be tremendous. If he did not, than he would be immortalized in a different way than that of the prey he was about to launch an offensive upon.

Let's do this!

Opening brilliant green eyes, the young man raised his black haired head in a slow controlled fashion that showed nothing of the nerves that had once plagued him. Walter con Dolneaz gave a confident grin and glanced at his watch before entering 'Hell's Bedroom'.

5:43 PM.

T'was twilight, though soon 'twould be night…

*          ~          *          ~          *

In a subterranean crypt, more specifically in a velvet-lined coffin, a certain vampyre gave a huge yawn, one that showed off his impressive fangs. Alucard's day, er, 'night' was about to begin and as much as he'd rather forget this particular awakening, this moment would be one that would remain in his memories indefinitely. The first thing that he'd rather forget is that there was another body laying beside him (pressed against him really) in the cramped confines of his coffin. And it wasn't a corpse for it was breathing. The second thing he'd rather forget is that the body belonged to an adult male homo sapien. The third and probably most distressing thing that Alucard would rather forget is that the male body was clad in boxer shorts and nothing more.

The body seemed to have sensed the awakening of the vampyre for it rolled over towards Alucard and propped its head upon one hand.

"Hey there Sleeping Beauty. How come you didn't wake up when I kissed you?" Whispered Walter to the distressed vampyre; he had attempted a tired, yet sultry sound to his voice to give the impression of a lover still in the throes of passion. And the look upon HELLSING'S resident headache was priceless. Alucard went absolutely rigid and just stared at him in mute shock; eyes wide with surprise and confusion while his jaw went slack.

Walter raised himself into a sitting position, which was rather hard to do when one is cramped in a narrow coffin with another body (a real corpse this time). He too gave a large yawn and stretched his arms languidly, nonchalantly, as if he had all the time in the world. The overall effect gave off the impression that waking up beside an Unholy Undead creature (who had the absolute power to maliciously murder the 'coffin crasher') was a commonplace incident in the life of Walter con Dolneaz.

After several quiet moments of stretching (Not even a peep from Alucard. He still had not moved and his face STILL registered shock, though now there was a certain look of panic) Walter eased his legs over the wooden sarcophagus and hopped off, but not before giving a pert peck on the still stunned vampyre's cheek, an affectionate slap on the other cheek. A cheery 'Thanks!' was said for letting Alucard share a lovely nap with him, along with a promise to 'Do this again sometime!'. Walter then grabbed his clothes and walked out of the crypt, a jaunty spring in his step and a happy tune being whistled from his lips. He left (a traumatized) Alucard as he had found the Undead, alone in the velvet-lined coffin though not as peaceful as when he first entered the crypt.

*          ~          *          ~          *

Later that night, Alucard hurried to his Master's office on the fourth floor of Hellsing Manor for he had been summoned with the utmost urgency. He was still rattled about his rude awakening and the human that dared to invade his inner sanctum. But he was far more distraught at the fact that another person, a human and a MALE to be exact, had taken a fancy towards him in that way and had laid beside him in his coffin for God knows how long!

Curse that queer of a human! Took me completely by surprise! Must be a 'newbie', all of the HELLSING personnel avoid my crypt and I've never seen him before. He'd better pray that our paths don't cross again…

Upon entering his Master's luxurious office, he found his Master, Lord Hellsing, and another human waiting for him. Nodding a greeting to the leader of HELLSING, Alucard shot an apprehensive look at the other human, who turned out to be a familiar looking young man with long black hair and green taunting eyes. To Alucard's consternation the human was very familiar…WHAT IN THE NAME OF HELLSING…?!! IT'S THAT SAME BLASTED QUEER HUMAN FROM THE CRYPT!!

But before Alucard could give a roar of surprise and lunge for (a grinning) Walter con Dolneaz, Lord Hellsing began to speak, his voice carrying an authority that even Alucard paid attention to.

"Ah Alucard, so glad you could join us." He indicated to the young man standing beside him, "We'll make introductions later, for right now we have a far more pressing issue to attend to. It appears that we must begin the new section of HELLSING ahead of schedule for there has been a considerable increase of ghouls not to mention the underlying threat from a particular Nazi group …" Lord Hellsing turned around to his desk, picked up a few papers and continued speaking, his back towards Alucard and Walter.

While Lord Hellsing had his back turned, young Walter took this opportunity to make a debonair wink in Alucard's direction while at the same time he grinned lecherously in a fashion that would make anyone uneasy. Alucard however, resolutely ignored him. As the head of HELLSING continued prattling on about the duties of the 'Elite Trash Disposal Unit', Walter gave a suggestive wiggling of his eyebrows and had blown a silent 'air-kiss' at Alucard that not even he could pay no attention to. The soon-to-be 'God of Death' sniggered; the vampyre didn't know whether to appear alarmed or incensed. But Alucard had decided on a panicked expression when Walter did a few more 'passes' at him. Admittedly, the way Walter was sexily licking his lips was unnerving the usually confident Undead subordinate, but it was the bold 'butt-squeeze' that finally got his proverbial 'goat'.

"So Alucard," the vampyre snapped his attention towards his 'Master' who had turned around to address the him and Walter (Alucard had so far recovered from his panic and now looked as though he was about to 'straighten' out Walter permanently), "I have already briefed our young friend upon the objectives of this new unit, items of issue that you yourself already know. What I have failed to inform the both of you is that the current members of this new branch are two: Walter con Dolneaz here and yourself. Essentially, you two are to be close working partners."

Alucard looked horrified.

"Close working partners?" Echoed Walter questioningly before Alucard could object, though his intonation was not lost upon the vampyre.

"Is there a problem with that, Mr. con Dolneaz?" Lord Hellsing inquired. Though he had a reputation as a hard and ruthless leader (and he had to be in this business), Lord Godfrey Pryor Jagendorf Hellsing surprisingly expressed a sensitive concern for the well being of the soldiers under him; after all these men had the daunting task of fighting the Undead.

"Problem? Well, yes Sir there is. I was just concerned about matching Alucard's abilities with mine. I'm not exactly upon his level of, ah, expertise."

Lord Hellsing looked kindly at him, pleased with his modesty and forethought.

"A fair enough issue, but you needn't worry, I have full faith in your abilities Mr. con Dolneaz. But if you are worried about your performance and abilities perhaps you should ask Alucard here," he gestured the vampyre, "for instructions?"

Normally Alucard would have taken A LOT of pride at such words coming from his Master (Lord Hellsing has yet to learn that inflating Alucard's already colossal ego was hazardous to one's health) and the vampyre would have also taken a perverted sense of amusement at the completely legit possibility of tormenting a human and a HELLSING employee at that! But tonight was the exception, for instead the vampyre was trying not to visibly squirm under Walter's gaze, who was looking him up and down in such a manner that could only be described as a 'frank sexual appraisal'. How could his Master take no notice of this clear case of sexual harassment?! Alucard only knew one certain thing: he had to get out of the room…

"Eh heh heh, I don't think there is any need Master. I, uh, have a feeling that Mr. con Dolneaz is very uh, talented, eh heh heh." Lord Hellsing and Walter exchanged confused looks, though Lord Hellsing's expression looked genuinely perplexed and young Walter's looked suspiciously put on. "Erm, your pardon Master, but I, uh, must be off. I have things to attend to, er, things that need to come out of my closet--COFFIN!" Alucard had allowed his frequently wandering mind to…wander again and land him, not for the first time, in trouble. He quickly corrected himself. "Things to come out of my coffin. Yes, that's it. I have some cleaning to do. Heh heh heh."

Lord Godfrey Pryor Jagendorf Hellsing just politely blinked at him in bewilderment and Walter merely raised an eyebrow. Then uncertainly the hereditary leader of HELLSING and the third Master to Alucard said,  "Ah, right. Of course, you have my leave to go." And go Alucard did, a crimson blur that disappeared into the far west wall of his Master's office.

"Looking forward to working with you!" Walter called after him good-naturedly. But inside he was brimming with a wicked sense of pleasure; his plan was a triumph!! The great Nosferatu Alucard won't be giving this 'newbie' a hard time. In fact the great Nosferatu Alucard won't have anything to do with this 'newbie' at all


Walter was in such a state of elation that he almost missed what his commander was saying.

"Hmmn, I wonder what's the matter with him?" Asked Lord Hellsing to Walter, jerking his head in the direction that Alucard hastily departed. Or retreated in all honesty. Walter feigned innocence and gave an expressive shrug.

"Eh? Oh! Well who knows, Sir?" Said the young 'God of Death'. "Perhaps a fang ache? Or maybe he got up on the wrong side of the coffin?"

Both men laughed heartily at that, though Walter con Dolneaz's had a wicked edge to it.


'The Slumber Party Crasher'

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEKKKKK!!!!!!!" Came the screams of many young girls. Walter con Dolneaz's head immediately snapped up from his housework, feather duster in hand poised in mid-brush. Then the clumping of a person running was heard coming closer towards him and judging by the sound it was his young charge Integra Wingates Hellsing.

"WALTER!! TELL HIM TO STOP!!" Screeched a 13-year-old Ms. Hellsing who appeared in front of him, dressed in her PJs. She stomped her feet in frustration while Walter politely blinked at her in bewilderment. He had just removed his pink apron he used for housework and was half way through pulling on his special gloves for his garrotte. After deciding that the screams were a possible emergency or dangerous situation (though Walter was pretty sure it was a dangerous situation; he did work for HELLSING after all) he had automatically prepared himself for action.

"I beg you pardon young Miss?" He queried lightly. Though she was but a young girl, Integra possessed a magnificent temper that he'd rather not provoke.

"ALUCARD!! HE WAS SNEAKING AROUND MY ROOM AND WAS EVESDROPPING ON MY SLUMBER PARTY!! HE'S RUINING EVERYTHING!! MAKE HIM STOP!!" Integra was in hysterics and she had good reason to: her and her friends were playing 'Truth or Dare' and Integra had chosen 'Truth' rather than the 'Dare' ("Integra, we dare you to go and kiss…"). The 'Truth' question was "Who do you like?" asked in a typical 13-year-old immature curiosity, which Integra sheepishly refused to answer. Much to her horror, Alucard was listening in on the 'girl chat' and appeared from the wall to divulge information about his 'Master' (including who she liked). But rather than be gleeful at the chance of gossip the young lasses screamed instead, for Alucard was using the guise a hellhound.

Now as the young mistress of HELLSING and her butler were talking, more screams from the frantic little girls were heard followed by the maniacal whooping laughter of a mad vampyre. Integra looked imploringly at Walter. Walter smiled warmly in return, monocle flashing

"Of course young Miss I'll take care of him, don't you worry. Besides, he's been avoiding me all night and I have to give him something…"

That same night, from the balcony of her bedroom, Integra and her 'gal pals' giggled with glee and pointed at the sulking vampyre in his hellhound form, with many eyes covering his body and ears flat upon his skull. He was tied outside to a post by a silver leash. As Walter approached him with a bucket, hose and a bottle of 'FREAK Brand: Flea Shampoo' in his hands, the hellhound's tail tucked between his legs at the oncoming prospect of a bath…

Author's Drivel:

HOORAY FOR WALTER CON DOLNEAZ!! INTEGRA SHOULD GIVE HIM A RAISE!!! *waves a 'Walter' banner* Heh, this one's for Walter fans, both the 'fic and the omake. I had to write something humorous about him, he's a character that I'm beginning to like plus he deserves it given his loyal, solemn and dedicated service to Integra and her family. Please excuse Walter's last name for I know HELLSING is a series that is notorious for its discrepancies with character's names among the fans. But I have decided upon con Dolneaz because that's what he's called in the translated manga that I have.

And if you're looking for an explanation about the first title, it stems from the game 'Grand Theft Auto 2'. In the game 'Made Man' was a cheat to get the maximum amount of 'respect' or 'street cred(ibility)' (the game was about being hired by different gangs and earning cash by doing illegal 'jobs'. Good, pure Christian fun!! *grins evilly*). A perfect title to describe how young Walter con Dolneaz earned Alucard's, heh, respect.

This will possibly be my last humour 'fic for a while for I wish to branch my modest talents towards the serious regions of the written prose, so perhaps I'll try my hand at a drama 'fic that requires chapters (Chapters? What are they? ^-^). I am not certain if my next project will be an 'AxI' 'fic or 'Alugras/Intecards' as I call 'em (bless those two!! ^-^), or even HELLSING at all. But I actually have an important message concerning future projects, so please go check my 'Bio Page' for the announcement.

On a completely different note, I had my haircut not long ago. Wanted a 'Halle Berry' look, but instead I have cut that makes me look like young bishounen Walter!! And what's worse is that I have black hair…*sighs*

As always, this story is dedicated to 'FanFiction.net' fans that burn the midnight oil reading FF member's stories.

And many thanks again to those who review and to those who have reviewed my other fics!! *grins like an idiot and hugs*