Okay, so I wanted to update my other stories, but this idea kept popping up in my head and just wouldn't go away... so in order to get it out of my mind I wrote the first chapter down.

A little warning, this story is going to be sad (better keep a box of tissues close while reading it, lol) and I am not sure if there will be a HEA in the end, but I will try my best to get them there... There will also be another of my favorite book characters showing up around chapter three or four... maybe you can guess who it is...

And lastly, since I have five stories I need to finish, I won't update this story until at least two of them are complete, which will probably be by the end of the month... so this is more like a preview ;-)


Three months. It's been three months since I last saw Christian Grey; the man I fell in love with; the man I have given my virginity. They say people do anything to be with the one person you truly love... well apparently six strikes with a belt were enough to make me leave. Leave the man I love and to realise that I was not as special to him as I thought to be.

For the first couple of days I felt like I had entered a new universe, one of eternal darkness, where the ocean was made out of my tears. And the pain, I never thought that getting your heart-broken could cause this amount of pain. It was and still is making me physically sick. Just thinking about that day and how I left. I should have stayed... maybe we could have worked things out. And all of this maybes and what ifs are stuck in my head, torturing me.

Kate thinks I am depressed and that I need to get out and find a new guy. But I know that is not what I need and it wouldn't be fair to start a new relationship just to get over a broken one. Besides, I can barely muster up the strength to get out of bed and work every day. Even thinking about making an effort to go out sounds exhausting and I am just not ready to do it.

I think I have aged years in the last couple of months. Looking in the mirror I hardly recognize the pale woman with dark circles and hollow cheeks staring back at me with her way to big blue eyes. Kate is forcing me to eat at least a bit every day, but most of the time I just stare at the food and eat nothing at all. What keeps me going are some vitamins and energy drinks, though they are making me jumpy.

I have lost so much weight that I went down from size four to zero and even clothes in size zero are slowly getting too big for me. It's pathetic, what I have become since the day I have left Christian and the worst part is that I have brought this on myself. He didn't want me to leave, but I had made up my mind.

I prayed that he would contact me. An email, a phone call, just some pathetic acknowledgement of my existence, but nothing happened. Days turned into weeks and weeks into months and I had to come to terms with the fact that Christian had moved on. At some point about four weeks ago I was ready to swallow my pride and beg him to take me back, but last-minute I couldn't do it. I was to afraid that he was going to reject me and I know it would have made me feel even worse. I've heard his voice over and over in my mind "You can leave any time, but if you do that's it. There is no way back"

And so I tried to move on, focus on my new job at SIP, but it's hard. I was supposed to go to conference in New York shortly after I started and I thought maybe by seeing a new town at least for a little while it would help me. But just my luck, the trip got cancelled. We are going next week instead, but I have to get through today before and I have no idea how to make it.

Today is Kate's 23rd birthday and because she is engaged to Elliot now his family insisted to throw a huge party for her. I tried to tell Kate I couldn't make it, but she is the only friend that I have, I can't miss her birthday. Even if it means seeing Christian and going through hell because I know he isn't effected by our break up. He probably had a new sub the second that I left never even wasting a thought on the stupid little coed that fell in love with him.

At least that thought makes me angry; angry is good, because I don't want to reduce myself to a blubbering mess once I have to see him tonight. No, I will not be weak. And with that thought in mind I take Kate up on her offer to go to a beauty salon to get pampered for tonight.

After a day of getting beautified and having been dragged through endless boutiques I again don't recognize the girl I see in the mirror, but this time it's because I actually look nice. I am wearing a gray cocktail dress, black high heels and my hair falls all the way down to hips in big glossy curls. The dark circles under my eyes are gone and by some miracle there is actually some color in my cheeks. Still, I can't hide how much weight I have lost, but at least being super skinny is in right now.

On the way to the Grey mansion I try to convince myself that this is going to be a nice evening, that I am going to enjoy myself. I need to think positive. Maybe Christian won't even show up, maybe he has too much work to do to make it. And maybe, just maybe I can survive this evening without having to see him.

Arriving at the Grey Mansion we are greeted by Christian's parents and Mia.

"Ana, it's so good to see you again." Dr. Grey gushes and I give her a warm smile before Mia grabs my wrist and drags me with her in the garden where a huge tent is placed for the party.

"So, Christian is coming a little late, do you think you guys can work things out?" she asks and I sigh.

"Mia, I think he has moved on and I ... it's complicated, please I don't want to talk about Christian tonight." I plead and she pouts, but just when I am about to say something I see her exchanging looks with her mother.

"Wait, is that why Kate insisted for me to be here tonight, so I could see Christian again?" I ask and Mia looks caught.

"Well, it's just... Elliot and Kate think that you are depressed and Christian is more grumpy than ever, so we all thought maybe the two of you just need a little push." she murmurs and in this moment all I want to do is leave. But I can't it's Kate's birthday. I have to stay for her.

"Mia, I don't want to fight about this... just look, Christian hasn't contacted me since we decided not to see each other again and I guess that is very telling... so please leave it be."

Thirty minutes later we are all seated in the tent and I keep looking at the empty chair next to mine. I am seated at the family table with all the Grey's and Kavanagh's... well minus one Grey, namely Christian, who hasn't arrived yet. Maybe he is not coming at all, I think to myself when the first course is served. But just when I take the first spoonful of soup I catch a glimpse of Mia and she is staring open-mouthed at something behind me. She looks like she can't believe what she is seeing and I turn around and my world stops.

He is here, Christian is here... and he is not alone. He is walking towards the table all smiles holding hands with a very beautiful brunette in her mid twenties. She is smiling brightly too and suddenly he stops, looks down at her and kisses her softly. I feel sick, this can't be happening. This woman can't be just a sub... and then I see it. While they are kissing her hand is resting on his chest and he isn't even flinching.

I want to look away; see anything but the sight in front of me, but I can't look away. If I thought the last three months were hell, then I have now entered a place that is worse than hell. How can he allow this woman to touch him and I couldn't. I feel the tears burning in my eyes and I am sure that there is a look of utter disbelieve and horror on my face. Oh God, please let this be a nightmare. I want to wake up now, this can't be happening.

But it is happening and I am awake and before I know it they have arrived at the table.

"Christian darling, I had no idea you would bring someone with you tonight" Grace says, her voice showing her disbelieve.

"Well, I thought today would be a good day for all you to meet my girlfriend. Michelle and I have been seeing each other for almost three months now, so it is time to make it official..."

I can't listen to this any further, so I excuse myself and leave the table, somehow managing not to let the tears fall until I am in the privacy of one of the stalls in the portable restrooms.

They have been seeing each other for almost three months... that means he has started to date her almost immediately after I've left him. No wonder he never contacted me... he was busy with his new girlfriend... and she can touch him. Just thinking about it makes me cry harder. I would have done anything if he would have allowed me just once to touch him, yet he didn't and it seemed so easy for him to let her touch him.

I guess now it is crystal clear that I was the only one in love. All of his promises to try for more, the gliding... just everything was just him trying to get me to sign his damned contract. He never saw me for more than a new toy and now he has found love...

After what feels like ages I leave the stall and make my way to one of the sinks where I quickly fix my make up, but I look a mess. Shit!

"Do you need help, I have some make up, your mascara is smeared." I turn when I hear a woman say this and freeze. It's her, Christian's girlfriend.

"No, it's okay, thank you."

"Please, let me help you, I'm good with make up." she says and shit she seems to be really nice.

"Okay" I murmur and she gestures for me to come closer. While she fixes my make up she smiles at me.

"I saw you at the family table, are you a Grey or a Kavanagh?"

"Neither, I am Kate's roommate and best friend."

"Oh, I see. I hope you don't mind, but Chris insisted that I take your seat. It was the only free one left."


"Christian, I like to call him Chris, reminds him not to be so awfully stiff all the time." she giggles and I try to smile, but I am sure it looks more painful than anything else.

"So, is it okay if I sit where you sat earlier?"

"Sure" I murmur. By all means, take my seat, after all you already took the love of my life, do you need anything else? Maybe my shoes or hey, you could have my broken heart and kick it around for a while... great now I am sounding like a bitter old hag...

"Thank you, so you are perfect again, I'll better get back or else Chris is going to worry" she gives me a big smile and leaves. I have no idea what to do. I should just leave, after all I don't even have a place to sit anymore, it couldn't be more obvious that I don't belong here. So, I decide to tell Kate that I am not well, I just need to leave, I will never make it through an entire evening of watching Christian with his new girlfriend.

I leave the restroom and take the deep breath, praying to find the strength to go back to the tent even if it is just to tell Kate that I am leaving. I can do this. I take a step in the direction of the tent when I hear foot steps behind me.

"Miss Steele?"

I turn around see Taylor and smile. "Hi Taylor, it's good to see you again"

"Miss Steele, I need you to follow me." he says all business and I frown.

"Why, what is going on Taylor?"

"Mr. Grey has asked me to remove you from his parents property, I am to remind me that after your relationship has ended you are not to come anywhere near him or his family, it is all part of the NDA you have signed. He is not going to press charges this time, but he wants me to tell you that this is your one free pass and that as soon as Miss Kavanagh is married to Mr. Grey's brother, this also applies to her."

I feel like someone has just pulled the rug from underneath me. How can he do this to me? Kate is my only friend and kicking me out from my best friends birthday party... I have no idea what I have done to deserve this.

"Miss Steele, do you understand what I have just told you?" Taylor asks and I nod slowly not able to hold back my tears.

"Good, then please follow me."

"That won't be necessary, Taylor, I can see myself out. And you can tell your boss that kicking someone who is already lying on the ground is a really classy move" I hiss through my tears and start to walk towards the gate. I have to force myself to keep moving, because I know if I stop even for one second my legs won't support me any longer and I will just fall to the ground and cry. I can't humiliate myself like that and I won't, not here, not where Christian could witness to what he has reduced me.

Once outside I just continue to walk without even knowing where I am going and when I finally look around I have no idea where I am. The street is empty, but in the far distance I can see a truck coming closer with way more speed then it is allowed here and for a moment I think to myself how easy it would be to just lie down on the road and wait for the truck... wait for all the pain to just go away ... to end it all...

So, let me know what you are thinking ...