Talk Dirty To Me


Maybe it was the alcohol running his brain, or the loneliness of the empty hotel room, or the tiredness cranking out bad idea after bad idea. Maybe Finland shouldn't have grasped that bad idea, and now he couldn't let go. It pestered him incessantly, buzzing in the back of his inebriated mind, and he just had to do it.

He just had to ring Sweden up for phone sex.

The first time, his call went to Sweden's voicemail. Finland chucked his phone into his bed with a growl and crossed his arms, figuring it was fate telling him that this was a horrible idea and he should just finish off his bottle and go to sleep.

Then Sweden called back. Finland lunged at his phone, fumbled with it until it was nestled against his ear and he was playing with the hem of his T-shirt, fingers skating softly across his stomach.

"Hullo, Fin. Everythin' all right?" Sweden's voice was laced with concern. Finland practically melted into the dulcet tones he adored so much.

"Mm, yes, everything's all right here, Sve. Except for…" he took a deep breath and paused, counted to three in his head.

On three, Sweden promptly asked, "'Cept for…?" prodding for more.

Suddenly, Finland's voice was heavy and seductive. "I'm terribly lonely without you, babe."

Sweden grew wary. "Fin, no."

"Please, Sve?"

"Fin, y'know I'm awful at phone sex." They've tried it before, and Sweden ended up too embarrassed to continue before he even had his pants off. He's promised himself never again, even though Finland had had other ideas. Seriously. Couldn't they just sext instead?

"C'mon, Sve… I really miss you. It's been two days."


"Please just stay on the line?" pleaded Finland, "I want to hear your voice. Tell me about your day, honey."

"Don't y'go touchin' yerself to me talkin' about my day," warned Sweden.

Finland chuckled. "I can't promise that, babe, but I promise I'll listen."

Deciding that was good enough, Sweden settled in and began to speak. "Been a usual day. Took Hana fer a walk, let'er chase th' squirrels 'round a bit. She almost caught one," he said proudly, as if it were he who had almost caught the squirrel rather than Hanatamago, their puppy.

"Mm-hmm, go on…"

"Sea went t' see Th' Fault In Our Stars with 'is friends. Been thinkin' that we should go see it too. An' th' dishwasher finally broke. Had t' wash 'em by hand."

Finland purred. The image of his strong husband, sleeves rolled up and elbow-deep in soap suds was a good one to start on. He palmed himself through his sweatpants. "We'll shop for a new one when I get back," he said breathily.

"Fin…" Sweden's voice darkened, sending shivers of arousal down Finland's spine. He gave himself a gentle squeeze before reaching up and rubbing his palm over his chest.

"I like it when you say my name like that," teased Finland. Upon hearing his husband's exasperated groan, he pinched his nipples. "Go on, babe. What else did you do today?"

Sweden shook his head. "'S all. What're ya doing?" he asked.

"Oh, I'm just lying here, listening to you" Finland answered lightly. Sweden could practically hear the smirk curling his lips, the terrible minx of a husband. Fine. He could play Finland's game, but he'd be playing by his own rules.

"No," Sweden said, "What're ya doing to yerself?"

Finland gave a sharp tsk and Sweden swore he could see his lip spread over his top teeth in the feral grin he issued whenever he wanted to be dominant. Finland seemed to be in thought, planning out a reply that was sure to make Sweden's blood boil. In the meantime, though, Sweden shucked his pajama pants, stroking his flaccid cock gently to the sound of Finland's heavy breathing.

He counted to ten slowly, and Finland was still silent. Humiliation crawled under his skin, but if he called it quits now, that meant Finland won. He had to press on. "Ya tease me, then disappear. Y' embarrassed, love?"

A rustling of sheets, and Finland returned. "No, I was just taking my clothes off," he said cheekily, "I want to get comfortable. I know what game you're playing, Sve, and I'm not going to let you win so easily."

Sweden's grip tightened around his now-erect cock. A naked, dominant Finland was one of his biggest turn-ons, and he could practically see his love crawling towards him, eyes sharp and hungry, trapping him beneath his small body. "Wish you were here," he whispered, "want t' feel ya."

This time, Finland's chuckle was genuinely sweet. "I know, babe. I'll be home tomorrow morning, though."

"I'll be waitin' in th' airport. Seal'nd made a sign."

As much as he loved his adopted son, the last thing Finland wanted to hear when he was hard and naked and willing was anything involving Sealand. "Is he asleep?" he asked quickly.

"Fell asleep with th' headphones on listening t' uncle Germany count sheep," Sweden answered before quickly changing the subject. "Didn't let me finish. Gonna make love t' ya when we get home."

Finland hummed in approval.

"Carry y' up to the bedroom and lay y' on the bed."

"Like our wedding night," added Finland, smiling fondly.

"Jus' like," agreed Sweden, "Then I'm gonna rip off yer travelin' coat. Throw all yer clothes on th' ground. Leave ya naked 'n raw 'n open, all fer me. This ok?"

The thought of himself, spread eagle and on display for Sweden's hungry eyes, fueled Finland's fire. One hand trailed down to tug on his erection, the other reaching down to prod at his hole teasingly. "That's not how our wedding night went," he choked out, "but go on…"

Coming up with words to say was usually quite tiresome for Sweden, but damn, Finland had gotten him into this and now he was neck-deep in the sound of Finland's voice as he touched himself on the other end of the line to one of Sweden's most secret fantasies. Leave it to Finland to make him lose control, as always.

"Gonna lick y' all over, ev'ry last nook 'n cranny." Delicious.

"Even my…?"

"Yea. Gonna rim ya, too."

Finland squirmed, edging a finger in and out of his tight hole, pretending it was Sweden's tongue probing him shamelessly. "Feels good, Sve," he sighed, "I'm grabbing your hair and pulling you closer, it feels so good."

"Y' like that?" he pressed the speakerphone button, put his phone on the bed, and knelt on the covers, fisting his cock. "Imagine me explorin' ya, down there."

Finland let out a high-pitched keen as he thrust up into his hand. "God, Sve, you're just teasing me now."

"Y' deserve it, ya little minx." It was true. Finland had tempted the beast with his wily ways, knowing and embracing this side of the Lion of the North. Sweden's thighs trembled, struggling to keep balance on his knees as his hips shot back and forth into his closed fist, mimicking the motions he would make if Finland were there in front of him.

"I can't take it anymore, babe," cried Finland, "I need you. I need you to fuck me, Sve. Fuck me good."

"Love hearin' ya beg," breathed Sweden. At the rate he and Finland were going, he was going to come soon. Heat fizzled through him, racing from his head to his toes only to manifest as desire between his legs. "Get ready; gonna fuck ya hard into th' mattress. Make th' whole house shake."

"Yes, yes!" cried Finland, thrashing on the hotel bed as he fucked himself down onto his fingers and up into his own fist. "God, Sve, babe, fuck me fuck me fuck me…"

Sweden bucked wildly, legs spread, struggling to form words as Finland wailed in pleasure on the other end. He was so close, and he could hear that Finland was, as well. So damn close to the best orgasm ever. Just a little more pushing...

Then Finland yelled, "Ahh, Sve, make me your slut!" and Sweden exploded. His orgasm slammed through him with such a ferocity that he toppled onto his back, breathing ragged as he came into the air in powerful spurts that landed across his chest, his neck, even his face. He grit his teeth, hauled the phone up to his lips, and roared:

"Yer mine, Finland!"

At this, Finland came violently, wailing like a banshee as ropes of cum shot from him, painting his stomach and chest in white. His hole, reddened from stretching, throbbed in protest as he withdrew his fingers and focused on milking every last drop of seed from himself, all the while calling his husband's name. Despite speakerphone being on, Sweden kept the phone pressed to his ear, drinking in the sound of his name, Oh, Sweden! being sung in the throes of his love's ecstasy.

In the quietness that followed, Finland and Sweden came down from their dizzying highs to the sound of each other's labored breathing. Finland was the first to regain his ability to speak.

"God. Damn," he panted, "best phonesex ever."

Sweden only groaned in response. That had taken a lot out of him, and going to bed without showering was starting to seem like a better idea than it actually was. "Thank ya," he said quietly, "didn't know how much I needed that."

Sweden's yawn prompted Finland to realize how tired he was. "I guess we should get to sleep, huh?"


"Then I'll see you at the airport tomorrow morning?" Finland asked, and Sweden marvelled at how absolutely adorable his husband's voice was.

He smiled. "Be waitin' at th' terminal with a sign for ya."

"You better give me the best damn 'welcome home' fuck of my life, honey."

"Seal'nd doesn't get home from school 'til three."

Finland chuckled. "I love you so much, you big teddy bear. Can't wait to see you and our little doodlebug, too."

Sweden would have given his left arm to wrap his arms around Finland's sleepy body and nuzzle his face into freshy-washed hair. Instead, he made a quick kissy sound into the phone. "G'night, love. Sleep tight. Got a big day ahead of us."

The last thing he heard before hanging up was Finland's sonorous laughter.

AN: omg Sve ur so hot but so awkward but still sooo hoooot

Dirty-talking Sweden was a horrid idea but it came out so good

SuFin is such a malleable pairing like who even wears the pants? Nobody. No one wears the pants. They are both naked and take turns with stuff like this.

Just so happens that it's Sweden's turn. ;) Finland doesn't seem to mind.

I've kinda hit a wall with Mr. Queen so I've been thinking about other things at the moment. This practically begged to be written.

(also btw I loooove The Fault In Our Stars, but weirdly enough I cried more at How To Train Your Dragon 2… /heartless bitch)