A/N: my first Destiel story in an age. I've been meaning to write this one for a while. Its based on a set of video's I made a year or so ago. I'm splitting the story into four, just like the video's. This is the first part obviously. AU and while it contains a mish-mash of episodes, it doesn't follow the canon time-line exactly. It picking up from the end of season four, but then takes its own turn. Slash obviously.
Subtitle: Song by REO Speedwagon - Which you may remember appeared in the season two episode Simon Said.
Hope you enjoy it.
Can't Fight This Feeling Any Longer
"Are you sure you want to do this Dean?" Sam asked as they stared into the jewellery shop window.
Dean glanced up at his brother. "I thought you were okay with it? You said you didn't care."
"I don't care. I just…this is big Dean and well…" the large hunter shrugged. "You don't exactly have a great track record with commitment."
"Hey, I tried okay. It wasn't my fault Cassie thought I was insane, and I wasn't going to stay with Lisa when I only had a few months left. That wouldn't have been fair."
Sam sighed. "I know. - But Dean….look it's just…."
"Spit it out."
"It's Cas, man. An angel…" he whispered. "this isn't going to exactly be simple. He's already on the powers-that-be's hit list. And while I'm sure you…."
"I what?" Dean glared.
"Care about? Wow, hold it there Sammy. Questioning my commitment issues is one thing, but don't you dare question…."
Sam's hands shot up in defence. "Wow, okay, sorry. I'm just worried that your rushing into this."
"Damn right I'm rushing into this." Dean snapped. "With the way our lives are, with everything that's coming, I can't afford to wait and see if we make it out of this. - And I've already lost him once. Twice if you count that near miss in Pontiac. If you think I'm going to waste any more time, your sourly mistaken Sammy."
Sam sighed, glancing back into the window. "But you've never been with a guy before. - Have you?" his head snapped back with a questioning look in his eyes.
Dean swung back to the display, his eyes locked on the silver bands. "No. - But what's the big deal?"
"Seriously?" Sam gaped. "You know what the big deal is, Dean."
"Look aren't you supposed to be the one with the 'out and proud' banner? Aren't you supposed to be telling me that it doesn't matter? What gives?"
Sam shrugged. He really didn't know why he was having such a hard time with this. Probably because it had come so out of the blue. Sure he'd known Dean and Castiel were close, closer than he's seen Dean with anyone ever. And he had to admit he'd been a little jealous about it. Might have even been part of the reason he'd rushed head first into the mess with Ruby. But that didn't mean that Dean was feeling what he thought he was feeling. Thinking he'd lost Cas three months ago had shaken Dean, and Sam wasn't sure if he was mistaking the relief he felt for something more.
"Sam! Sammy!" Dean snapped, shaking his shoulder.
"Dean, I just don't want you to do something you'll regret, or something that might screw Cas up, he's new to all this. Humanity. Does…." he flushed, hating himself for what he was about to voice. "Does he even feel that way about you?"
Dean stalled for a moment. Obviously he hadn't thought about that part. "Well…He hasn't said anything but…."
Dean shrugged, staring sadly at the rings before turning and walking away. Sam wanted to kick himself. Dean had been like a different person the last few days, calm and at ease with the world in a way he hadn't been before and now thanks to Sam's big mouth he was back to square one. Good going Sam Winchester. He scolded himself.
"Dean! Dean wait up. I'm sorry okay. I shouldn't have…."
"It's fine." Dean snapped, that old familiar dismissive tone back. "Lets just get back to work."
Sam climbed back into his seat and sighed. Why did he have to be the sensible one? Why couldn't he have just let Dean live his own life? Because he was the sensible one, and he wasn't about to stand by and watch his brother mess out the only solid relationship he'd ever had. All he wanted was for Dean to be sure. Sure of himself and Cas.
"Maybe you could, you know - just ask him?"
"Ask who what? Is this about the case? Are you in need of assistance?"
The car swerved slightly across the road.
"Jeez Cas, how many times have I told you, no surprise visits while I'm driving." Dean panted, shifting in his seat.
"Are you alright Dean? You look flushed."
Dean shot Sam a look before answering. "Of course I'm flushed, you just sacred the crap out of me and almost made me crash my baby."
"Apologises Dean. - How is the hunt going?"
"Good. Is there a reason you dropped in? How's the God search going?" Dean snapped, his tone harder than usual.
Sam looked from his brother to Cas, who looked confused and hurt. Way to go Sam.
"The search is progressing….slowly."
"Yeah. Figured." Dean scoffed and Sam had the strong desire to punch him. Sure he was pissed but there was no reason to be a dick to the guy not ten minutes ago he was contemplating marrying.
"Ignore him Cas. He got out of the wrong side of the bed."
Castiel brows furrowed as he watched Dean with concern. And like that Sam really wanted to throw himself under a bus, and take his huge feet with him.
"I see." Castiel murmured after a few minutes. "I will return when you are in a better mood."
"Wait….Shit." Dean swore as Castiel vanished from the backseat of the car, slamming his hand into the steering wheel. "You see what you did!" he snapped. "You and your big mouth."
"I was just trying to help okay. If the roles were reversed you would have done the same."
"Yeah, only you wouldn't have listened." Dean snapped, the jib filled with unspoken meaning that made them both wince.
"I guess it make you the smarter brother then, huh." Sam murmured, slouching down in the passenger seat and turning his attention to the window.
~~~It's Not My Time:Beware Promises of Always~~~
"What?" the hunter grumbled from his place at the table where his head was buried in the computer.
"Huh, listen about what I said earlier….." Sam watched as Dean's back stiffened. "….maybe you shouldn't listen to me…."
Dean sent him a side ways glance. "Then or now?"
Dean didn't reply, turning back to his work.
"I mean, what do I know?" Sam rushed on, needing to ease the weight that had been crippling him all afternoon. "I mean….you know Cas better than I do right? - And you know what you feel…."
"Sam, we're working." Dean snapped.
"Yeah, right." Sam murmured, dropping his gaze back to his books for only a few seconds. "But if you really want to do this Dean, I'm behind you one hundred percent. - I owe you that at least."
Dean slammed the lid down on his computer and shoved the chair back. "I need some air."
Sam watched warily as Dean marched furiously out of the room.
~~~It's Not My Time:Beware Promises of Always~~~
Dean sat at the bar cradling a cold bottle just staring at the faded, damp label. He'd been rolling over what Sam had said all day and he hadn't to admit that his brother might be right. Maybe he was only think about settling down with Cas out of some kind of insane fear of losing him. He knew he wasn't gay, Sam was right about that too. But….he just couldn't shake the feeling that his and Cas were right. He wished he could look Sam in the eyes and tell him that he'd always felt an attraction to guys, if only to get his kid brother off his back. But he couldn't, because he hadn't. But he'd always felt an attraction to Cas. From the very first day, from the moment he'd looked at the angel he'd felt it, and it had freaked him out. It was so intense, so strong.
He'd come back from hell changed in so many ways. Dean shook his head trying to dispel the memories but he couldn't, he had to face them sometime. He'd done a lot of evil shit in hell, stuff that was never going to wash off. Cas knew it, all of it. Cas knew stuff he hadn't even told Sam about. Not just stuff that he'd done, but the things done to him. Things he despised himself for, because part of him had like it. Had wanted the pain and humiliation as just punishment for all the sins he'd committed over the years, for letting his brother and father down. But Cas never looked at him with disgust, or like he was a monster. He never pressed for explanations or punished him, because he knew Dean punished himself enough already. Cas never watched him like he was going to lose it. Not like Sam did. He'd caught that look in Sam's eyes more than once. The disgust, the hate, the disbelief. He'd even see fear on occasion, but Cas never looked at him like that.
And isn't that all he'd ever wanted? Someone to understand him and his life and except it because it was who he was. He was a hunter, through and through, that was never going to change. But he wanted a life outside of hunting, he wanted to have a family to escape into and forget what was going on out there.
Before he'd thought he could have that with Lisa and her son, but he wasn't fool enough to think that that was going to work. Lisa might know what his life was, but he knew she would want to be pulled into it. - And he didn't feel anything close to what he felt for Cas, for Lisa. And surely that was the most important thing, right? The bond he and Cas had would see them through whatever the future held for them.
Dean's head spun around to meet the bright green eyes of a pretty blonde, her lips pulled into a smile Dean had seen all his life. It said she was interested. That she wanted him. And for the first time, he didn't like seeing it.
Dean's heart leapt into his chest as his head snapped around to face the angel behind him. He wonderful for only a second what the girl was thinking about Cas's sudden appearance, but then decided he didn't care, because Cas was there. "Hey Cas." he tried not to smile, but he knew the corner of his mouth had curved upwards. "What do you want?"
Cas looked behind him at the blonde, his features utterly motionless. Dean swallowed and turned to the woman behind him. "Oh, this is…."
"Jodie." she smiled, looking between them.
"I will leave you to your…."
"No." Dean snapped, his arm shooting out to grip the trench coat tightly. "We were just chatting. Stay." He even surprised himself in the intensity of the request.
"Oh." Jodie gasped behind him, Dean's head snapping around to meet her green gaze.
She looked between them, looked Dean from top to boot and then straightened. "Sorry, I….you just didn't seem the type."
"Type?" Cas frowned, looking at her with his characteristic head tilt.
Dean smiled apologetically. "Yeah, sorry." he shrugged lightly. "It was nice meeting you though."
"Yeah. You two have a nice night." Jodie smiled warmly and strolled away.
"What were you talking about?" Cas frowned.
Dean watched her go for a few more seconds before turning back to Cas. "Nothing. What a drink?"
"I don't need to drink."
"That's not what I asked." Dean tapped the stool next to him. "Sit. Two beers. - Thanks."
The bottle were placed in front of them and Dean pushed one to Cas. He watched as the angel eyed the bottle uncertainly before finally raising it to his lips. He watched at those plump chapped lips opened and curved around the head of the bottle and Dean once again surprised himself when a spark of intense arousal shot through him. He sucked in a breath, his heart racing hard against his chest. His gaze shifted to Cas's throat, watching as his Adam's apple bobbed at he gulped down the whole beer without taking a breath and Dean's mind exploded with visions of Cas on his knees, those lips wrapped around solid warm flesh rather than cold glass. Dean shifted on his stool, quickly lifting his own cool beer to wash away the heat that had blanketed his body. Eat that Sam. He heard himself think.
"So…." Dean said once he'd found his voice again. "…what are you doing here?"
"I will leave if you…."
"jeez, man. I just asking a question."
Cas looked at the bar top. "If you are still feeling annoyed Dean, I would rather leave than have to…."
"I'm not annoyed Cas. I'm just tired okay. We've been working no stop for weeks, we've got Lucifer and the apocalypse breathing down our next. I just wish…." he sighed warily.
Dean turned to meet the angel's blue eyes, allowing himself to be drawn deep into their core, feeling the peace come over him as it always did. "I just wish I had a place to relax sometimes. Someone to help me forget the chaos that is our lives." he murmured, never breaking eye contact.
Cas sat silently, staring at Dean for a long moment, his brows drawn tight together. "Maybe when this is over Dean." he said in a soft voice. "You could find that. - If we survive."
Dean stared at his friend. "Actually I was thinking of finding it….now." he murmured a little nervously.
Cas didn't react, he just remained motionless on the bar stool, his eyes fixed to the top. "Would it really be fair to….the woman to drag her into this when there's no guarantee that your going to survive it?" he asked matter-of-factly. "Unless you were considering finding a fellow hunter? - Maybe you're acquaintance Jo?"
"Jo?" Dean frowned. "You know about Jo?"
"Of course Dean. I know about all of your friends. It's my job to know." he looked at him like Dean had lost all the sense God gifted him with.
"Right. - But no. Jo's….great, and I love her, but…." he shook his head, fixing his gaze on the bottle in front of him. "…I kinda see her more as a sister, you know. I think we could have had something once, back when we first met, but now." he shook his head. "Nuh. She's not what I want." he added, glancing at Cas out of the corner of his eye.
Dean wanted to tell him that he was what he wanted. That he could be that person to help him escape, but something caught in his throat. Sam's voice haunting his thoughts. What if Cas didn't feel the same? What if this was all in his head, that Cas only saw him as a responsibility. "What about you Cas?"
"Ever thought about….well cutting the apron strings?"
Cas looked at him confused and Dean kicked himself, he really had to remember to talk in plan English.
"I mean, quitting, stop being an angel?"
"I will always be an angel Dean."
"Yeah." Dean sighed. "But you've cut all ties with Heaven now, what if….do you really want to go back?"
Cas dropped his hands into his lap. "I hadn't actually thought about it Dean. I'm an Angel, my place is in heaven."
"Your place is wherever you want it to be." Dean grumbled.
"And if I did fall….?"
Dean saw the shiver pass through his friend and his gut clenched tight. Cas couldn't even contemplate leaving Heaven.
"….what would I do? Where would I go?"
"You could join with me and Sam. We could….all hunt together. One big family."
Cas looked up at him. "I would not wish to come between you and Sam, Dean." he shook his head.
"You wouldn't be coming between us, Cas. Sam's my brother. He'll always be my brother, no matter how much he messes up…."
"I don't think it is fair to blame him for what happened with Ruby, Dean. - I was as responsible as her. I could have told you what was happening."
Dean's hand snapped out to grip his friends shoulder. His palm landing higher that he consciously intended, causing his fingers to brush against the collar of the angel's shirt. It lay there, Dean unwilling to withdraw it, while his heart thundered. He had to fight the desire to slip his fingers up till he touched the flesh of Cas's neck. Cas turned to meet his gaze and once again Dean was lost.
"Dean?" Cas whispered.
"You….did right in the end Cas. You stood by me in the end." his voice got low, husky.
The pair's heads snapped around as Sam came rushing over, an apologetic look on the hunters face as he looked between his brother and the angel, his eyes settling on Dean's hand, which he quickly pulled back.
"What do you want?"
"I think I've figured out what's going on."
Dean sighed as his private moment with Cas vanished in a puff of demon smoke. "Okay, out with it."
"I think it's a sharp-shifter."
"Huh?" Dean frowned. "You sure?"
"Fine. I guess we're hitting the sewers. You coming Cas?"
The angel shook his head. "I should get back to my search Dean. Sam." he nodded.
"At least leave with us, okay. Don't want to scare the patrons."
Cas nodded and got up from his seat, strolling calmly out of the bar at Dean's side. They paused beside the Impala, and Dean nodded over to Cas from the driver's side door.
"Let me know how things go with the god hunt, huh."
"I will Dean. - Be careful with the shape-shifter."
Sam shifted awkwardly on his feet for a few seconds before leaping into his seat, leaving Dean and Cas staring silently at each other. He buried his eyes in the city map until he heard the other door open and close. He finally looked up to see Dean looked frustrated and Cas gone.
"For what?" Dean asked as he started the engine.
"Interrupting your date."
Dean shot his a hard stare but there was a smile behind it. "It was…it's fine. Occupational hazard."
"Did you talk about….you know?" Sam pressed as the Impala moved away from it's parking space.
"Kinda. I guess. - I…told him I wanted to settle down."
"With him?" Sam watched his brother intently.
"Meaning not at all."
"He doesn't want to give up being an angel." Dean announced matter-of-factly.
"Oh. - But….maybe he…." Sam frowned down at his map. "So you're not going to ask him."
"Is there any point?" Dean huffed.
"There's a point if he says yes, and you won't know unless you ask. So…ask."
"What happened to I'm only doing this because of my fucked up emotional responses?"
"Like I said, I might have been wrong."
They drove on in silence for a good ten minutes before Dean spoke again. "And what if he says no? We'll be an angel down on the brink of a war."
"You know Cas wouldn't abandon us. Not now. This fight is as important to him as it is to us."
"And after?" Dean murmured.
"After? - Well…." Sam shrugged.
"Exactly. It'll be over. Finished. Caput. He'll go fluttering off back to heaven."
"He could do that whether you ask him or not. - At least give him the option."
Dean huffed and stared out at the night. He reached for the radio, twisting the knob till the vehicle was filled with music.
I can't fight this feeling any longer.
"See, even your baby's trying to tell you something." Sam laughed at the song continued.
A/N: I don't know how often I'll be able to update but I'll trying not to leave it too long between posts. Thanks for reading.