The boat roars across the unruffled cobalt waves, skimming the surface as if it were merely flying across it with moderate ease. The scenery is a blur around me as I try to divert my thoughts from what seems to be occupying them more and more these days. I don't know what it is about him, but I just can't get him off of my mind.

The smell of salt invades my nose but I don't notice for I am too preoccupied with my daydreams. There's a new one today, an exciting one. It involves me, him, and a deserted island where we're the only people for miles around. Just sand, water and tall palm trees shading us from the fierce rays of the summer sun. I sigh to myself, imagining what it would be like to leave Tracy Island for a while and taking him with me.

I turn my head as I'm brought back to veracity by familiar voices. Alan looks at me and I pretend not to notice. If I met his sapphire eyes with my own, I know he'd read the pain I'm keeping inside. He knows me too well and to have him figure out my secret before I'm prepared to share it would break his heart - and our relationship.

I glance around at the other people occupying the speedboat: Alan's brothers are all here, apart from John who is our eyes on the world from the vast eternity outside of our planet. Jeff, their father, is at the back trying to sort out the sandwiches Grandma packed us for lunch as the boat bounces over the swells, guided proficiently by Virgil.

I rest my gaze on the pilot, who has become our captain for the afternoon. His chocolate hair is swept back by the wind, blowing it free of his deep russet eyes. The vibrant shirt he wears over a plain white one is open, riding the breeze like a leaf as it flaps around him. Subconsciously, I feel my heart skip a beat and I take a shaky breath before looking away.

But I am unable to redirect my feelings for long before I find myself helplessly staring at him again. He turns, talking to Scott about something, and I see the smile on his tanned features. It makes my heart melt into a puddle at my feet and I feel feeble against my emotions.

I don't know what has come over me these past few weeks. I've become submissive and astray and I'm not sure what to do about it. I can't talk to anyone; word travels fast between such a close-knit family. Alan would find out and I don't want to ruin what I have with him. I desperately want to tell Virgil of my newfound feelings for the far-fetched chance that he feels the same way. I want so much, but don't at the same time.

The boat swerves and he laughs, a sound I've come to replay in my mind for days after I hear it. Waves toss high in the air, sprinkling us with their sodden droplets. I'm deaf to everything around me, and my eyes focus on only one person in the boat. Jeff hands me a sandwich and I barely notice but murmur a thank you as he moves on, giving one to each of his sons. I unwrap it mechanically, as if I don't have any control over my fingers, and take a bite without comprehending that it's one of my favourites - ham and cheese.

My heart is tearing in two as I look at Alan. He breaks off a piece of his sandwich and gives it to a sea gull that has landed on top of the cooler. The bird takes it and hops around, looking for more food from anyone willing to give it some. I'm not hungry and the small sacrifice of a corner of my crust isn't something I give a second thought to. Alan looks up at me and I can sense him studying the distant expression I know I'm displaying openly on my face.

I have everything I've ever wanted - a large family, though we aren't exactly related, and friends who make life worthwhile, not to mention a boyfriend who shows more interest in me than anyone ever has. So why do I feel so horrible, and why am I all of a sudden engrossed in thoughts of his older brother? I don't know what's wrong, but I wish it would just go away and things would return to normal.

Scott takes the wheel and Virgil and Alan begin a drunken dance around the boat, swaying to its rhythm on the waves. I want to die, to have the floor open and swallow me up. I don't want to feel this way, I never did. I didn't ask for it, but I can't make it leave. I feel so guilty, so horrific for not being satisfied for what I have. Isn't that what happens more often than not, though? We have what we desire, and then we wish and hope for more than we can obtain.

I have Alan, and I love him. I can't have Virgil, but I crave him.

My eyes rove around my surroundings and finally settle on the distorted ocean soaring by underneath the boat. The sun glints off the water, creating a bright reflection of its lustrous golden shape floating in the sky. I wait until my vision clouds before letting my mind wander back to that secluded island, where there aren't any problems to deal with. There, at least, I can seize what I want without destroying what I already possess, in the silence of my conscience.