Warning! Though heavily censored this story may still offend some. Seinfeld is my measure of PG-13 for this and all stories.
Author's notes: Big thanks to Angelica for heavily, so heavily, censoring this story. A lot of the punch lines had to die but hopefully there's still some funny in here. Thanks to all these shows, movie and TV, for warping my mind over the years. 'Mr. Show with Bob and David', 'Mad TV', 'Kids in the Hall', 'Dirty Work', 'Late Night with Conan O'Brien', 'Dennis Miller Live', 'I'm Gonna Git You Sucka', etc.
Joss Whedon is my god and owns all things Buffy. All movies and things of pop culture I mention are owned by their respective owners. I make no claims! Real people own themselves and thanks to the Buffy authors who volunteered their names to this fic. That be that…
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Announcer: Tonight, on A&E's Biography. He was the darling of an industry, the idle of millions, and rich beyond his wildest dreams. But in a flash it was all gone. Tonight, the story of Xander Harris: man, myth, porn star.
Camera settles on the announcer after a collage of images from Xander's movies. He's standing in a room. It looks very refined and is filled with expensive items.
Announcer: Hello, I'm Steven Seagal. Tonight, we'll be examining the life of Xander Harris, also known as Xander Banger to his fans. The year 2000 was a year filled with many momentous occasions. Celine Dion had just retired; we still had hope Kenny G would do the same; and the comedic bit of Late Night with Conan O'Brien "In The Year 2000" had just be retired in favor of "In The Year 2001". But most important of all, it was the year that a young man, filled with the hopes and dreams of a nation, found his calling.
Cut to footage of Xander, looking in his early twenties, siting on a chair in a relaxed setting.
Xander: In all my wildest dreams, I never thought it would happen to me.
Steven: It was that innocence and humility that made the young man so appealing to then up and coming pornographer, David Michael Hunter.
David: Well, y'know, I had just gotten out of my falling out with, uh, Britney Spheres. A huge ego on that girl. Plus she didn't want to have sex with me anymore! What's up with that? I mean, look at this package! (David points to his groin) Who wouldn't want some of this? (David shakes head; he looks disturbed and disappointed) So I was in no mood to get involved with another girl and try to build her up. I decided to get into the male managerial side of the business. And I still had my girl stable on the side so it was no biggy.
Steven: And then, as luck would have it, a major client of David's brought to his attention a young man by the name of Xander Harris.
Xander: I was just sitting at home one day when the phone rang. It was the radio station and they were having some sort of contest. The question the DJ asked was, "On Days of Our Lives, who was possessed by Satan?" Before I knew it, I had blurted out Marlena. It seemed pretty humiliating a second later. I guess they wanted to give it to some housewife because the prize was a ticket to a Ricky Martin concert in LA. (Xander chuckles) Then one of my friends reminded me there would be a lot of girls there so I was happy.
Steven: It was there, sitting in the front row, that Xander found himself in a strange situation.
Xander: Near the end of the concert, one of the security guys came up to me and said that I was supposed to go backstage. This totally boggled me but I figured what the hell. It was LA and there was bound to be some girls back there.
Steven: Although the party still hasn't disclosed the events following, it's widely known that it was Ricky Martin who put in a good word with David.
David: Yeah, I was talking with Ricky. Y'know, making sure my girls went over well and that there weren't any problems. You cannot get a bad rep in this business. Then Ricky happened to mention that there was this young piece of meat there named Harris. Said he had it where it counts. Less then a day later Harris was in my office. (David leans back and looks pleased with himself) That's when charm came into play.
Xander: He asked me if I wanted to (BEEP) girls for a living. My answer was, "Hell yeah!" Well, duh!
Steven: And with that, Xander Harris had become Xander Banger.
Cut to Commercial:
Camera shows an amusement park. It's a very sunny day and many people are around.
Announcer: (Speaking in a deep voice that sounds forced) Come to Ten and a Half Flags to find all the best rides. The Gouger (shows giant teacups), the Flipper (shows a tiny Ferris wheel), and the Eliminator. The Eliminator the biggest roller coaster of all time. Built with over a ten thousand tons of steel and at ten miles long it is guaranteed to flip you, pull you, and push you till you can't stand any more. And if that isn't enough, it goes underwater for five minutes. That's right...five minutes. No other ride can guarantee you such a life threatening experience.
Camera shows the Eliminator coming to a stop at the beginning of the track. Several of the people are unconscious. The attendant walks over and inspects.
Attendant: Damn it! Not again.
Announcer: Let's talk to some of our satisfied customers.
Camera shows a reporter running over to a man who's giving CPR to another man.
Reporter: Excuse me? Did you just get of the Eliminator?
Man: God, my brother's dying.
Reporter: But did you like the ride? That's what we really want to know.
Man: Did you hear me? My brother's dying.
The reporter turns back to the camera.
Reporter: 'My brother is dying'. (He smiles) You don't get a better endorsement than that.
A man runs out in front of the camera making a devil gesture with his hands. He is not wet.
Man: Eliminator! WOOHOO!
Announcer: The Eliminator... Send the in-laws.
Cut to Program:
Steven is looking at the camera. He looks angry.
Steven: What are you looking at?
Person in the background: Nothing (It can be heard faintly).
Steven: Come here. Don't worry about it, come here.
A stagehand steps into the view of the camera. He looks hesitant and is walking slowly. Steven motions him to come forward.
Steven: Come here.
Steven motions for the stagehand to stop. Steven sweeps behind, places his arms around his neck and snaps it. Steven drops the stagehand's body to the floor.
Steven: Sleep it off. (He looks back to the camera) Welcome back. Xander Harris had just been discovered. Now came the hard part. To make it in the porno industry you need three things; stamina, discipline, and a big penis. Xander only had one.
David: Yeah, the first movie I got him was the role of the villain in "Never Say Bend Over Again". It was the ninth movie in a long line of James Bond parodies. James Dong, of course, being the star of them.
Steven: The director, Alex P Keaton, immediately noticed the appeal of the young man.
Alex: Xander was awesome. I'd never seen someone so enthused to work. And he didn't care how long it took. Three takes, ten takes, working into the wee hours of the night. He didn't care. In fact, it was in my movie that he earned his nickname.
Xander: Quick Shot. (Xander smiles and suppresses a laugh) What can I say, I was excited. But I can reload like nobodies business.
One of his costars in the film, Angelica Swallows, remembers it all too clearly.
Angelica: I'd never seen so much white in all my life! I thought it was snowing. And his underwear could have stopped a bullet by the end of the shoot. (Angelica begins to laugh) You should have seen him when Britney did her Mickey Mouse on him for the first time.
Interviewer: What's the Mickey Mouse?
Angelica: She does this thing with her chest... And I'm amazed she hasn't broken someone's neck yet. Xander practically spasmed off his chair when she sneaked up behind him and tossed those cannons onto his little head. He's an excitable boy.
James: We used to have this joke that Xander could buy us all house with the amount of sperm he put out there each day. But he's a good guy. Taught him everything I know. And he never accidentally grabbed my goods so that's cool. (James pauses) He had a bit of a problem with the kink in the first movie, though.
Xander: I like my porn clean and intimate. What can I say?
Camera cuts to footage from "Never Say Bend Over Again". Xander is tied to a bed. He's wearing leather underwear and a leather mask with a zipper where his mouth is. Angelica's dressed in a T-shirt and boxers.
Angelica: Come on!
Xander: Stop yelling at me! This isn't the most comfortable position in the world, y'know.
Angelica: (BEEP)! We've been here for five minutes already.
Xander bangs his head against the headboard.
Angelica: Alex, bring me Britney's Supernova. I guess I'll just have to improvise.
Camera cuts back to Steven. The body of the stagehand is still lying by his feet.
Steven: "Never Say Bend Over Again" was released and met with critical acclaim from the porno community. Although it wasn't a major commercial success it gave the public a taste for Xander Banger. And the public wanted more.
Xander: "Golden One Eyed Monster" was my second movie. The title stemming from the fact that my character's penis was cut off at the end of the previous one, so it had to be replaced with a golden prosthetic.
Steven: This meant that Xander had to go through the process of having his penis painted gold for the duration of filming.
Xander: It wasn't actually that bad. It felt kind of like a lightsaber or something. I'd swing it around and see if I'd chop somebody's hand off. I know Bunny got a kick out of it.
Bunny: Oh, that was like so cool! I kept like, waiting for him and James, to like duel or something!
Steven: It was during the filming of this movie that the bond began to develop between the two male stars.
James: Working with Xander is always a blast. For the double shots he's always generous. He let me be in control and I know Shannon liked the cooperation.
Shannon: The fingercuffs scenes were always a little weird for me. But both Xander and James treat me with respect so it was cool.
Steven: It was another step in the right direction for Xander. Though, with his next two movies, he'd truly become a star.
Cut to Commercial:
Camera shows a lady standing in her kitchen. She looks upset and is looking at all the paper bags lying on the counter.
Announcer: Is this how you live? Bags, bags, everywhere. Well now there's help.
A cardboard box appears on the counter.
Announcer: Introducing the Bag Hutch. Our team of Harvard graduates have looked at this problem for a long, long time. And after 10 million dollars, four years, and countless test products we bring you the Bag Hutch. The Bag Hutch is a scientifically engineered product that is designed to store your bags. That's right, store your bags. Why it's so easy that even your stoner son can use it.
Camera shows a teenager in his underwear putting a bag into the Bag Hutch.
Stoner son: Wow!!! The bag goes into the Bag Hutch! WOW!!! (The stoner son breaks into hysterics and falls onto the floor)
Camera shows the lady standing in the kitchen. She looks proud and the Bag Hutch is sitting on the counter beside her. A man walks into the kitchen.
Man: Hey, honey, where's all the bags?
Lady: In the Bag Hutch.
Man: No way!
Giggling can be heard. The man puts his hands on his hips and looks towards the floor.
Man: Are you stoned again?
Stoner son: Yep.
Giggling continues. The lady smiles too.
Lady: Oh well. With the Bag Hutch around I guess he can afford to get stoned sometimes. Hey, and maybe you can take up that crack habit you've always wanted!!
Announcer: The Bag Hutch can be yours today for only three easy payments of $39:95.
Cut to Program:
Steven is looking at the camera. Two more bodies are lying at his feet.
Steven: Once again, welcome back. It was soon after the success of "Golden One Eyed Monster" that both Xander and James were offered roles in the same movie. Only this time Xander was offered the lead and James the supporting role. The movie was "Deuce Bigdodo: Man Hoe".
Camera shows Xander and James sitting in chairs, on set, ready to be interviewed.
Interviewer: Now who's playing who?
James: I'm playing T.P. He's Deuce's he-pimp or male madam if you prefer.
Xander: And I'm Deuce. I'm the guy who T.P. introduces to the fabulous world of man slutting.
Camera cuts to footage from "Deuce Bigdodo: Man Hoe". Both Xander and James are standing in a room.
James: Now check it here, Deuce. To be a he-bitch in my stable you have to know how to work your manjina.
Xander: What's a manjina?
James: Y'know, your he-penis. The man whore has to know how to work it.
Xander: Work what?
James: Goddamn it, white boy! Don't make me he-bitch, man slap you!
Xander: What the hell are you talking about? You're whiter than I am.
James: Only on the outside. And check it out.
James drops his pants to the floor. Xander gasps.
James: I even got some dreads.
Steven: "Deuce Bigdodo: Man Hoe" was released and immediately became a hit. Xander Banger was no longer in the small league. He was now sharing the same level of success as fellow porn stars Ron Jeremy, James Dong, and Carrot Top. His next film was a biography-porn about a man who shared a similar fate as Xander Harris. He was a man who also reached the peak of fame and then fell into obscurity. That man was Billy Ray Cirrus. And the film's title was "Billy Ray: Comin' Today".
Xander: I loved this movie! I really got to show off my acting skills.
Camera cuts to footage from "Billy Ray: Comin' Today". Xander runs into a room with a mass of camera flashes behind him. He slams the door and then falls onto the floor. His hair length is below his shoulders.
Angelica: It isn't easy is it? Playing the same damn song every night, knowing that sooner or later it's all going to be over. That they'll find out you're a fraud.
Angelica walks out from the back of the room where she was standing in the dark. Xander looks up at her.
Xander: What the hell are you talking about?
Angelica: Oh, come on. I know what you're going through. It feels like hell, don't it?
Xander: Don't I know it. (Xander begins to sing in a mock tone) Don't break my heart, my achy breaky heart. I mean, can these people be any more stupid?
Angelica: But 'It Could Have Been Me' is a good song.
Xander: I know! (Xander pauses) At least you never had to deal with anything this big. All you ever did was malls.
Angelica: Hey! You trying singing 'I Think We're Alone Now' in half the malls in this country and see how you like it!
Xander walks over to Angelica. She's reluctant but then the two begin to kiss.
Angelica: Oh Billy...
Angelica backs away. She looks furious.
Angelica: Michael! You call me your (BEEP) boyfriend's name!?!
Angelica: Oh (BEEP) you, hillbilly! Go back to your precious boyfriend. You can forget about me peeing on you! Sick (BEEP).
Camera cuts to on set footage of an interview. The name at the bottom of the screen says 'Daniel Johnson'.
Interviewer: And who are you playing?
Daniel: I'm playing Michael Bolton, Billy's gay lover.
Interviewer: But you and Xander don't actually have sex in the movie, right?
Daniel: Nope. Xander has in written into his contract that he doesn't touch another man's penis. Not that I wouldn't mind, since the man is a piece of grade-A meat. (Daniel winks)
Interviewer: You wouldn't happen to be gay, would you?
Daniel: Does Bill Clinton make a good shake?
Interviewer: Well, why are you in this movie? And how do you get yourself prepared for the scenes?
Daniel: Believe it or not, there isn't a hell of a lot of work in the gay porn industry. So I have to have sex with all these women. (Daniel scoffs) You want to talk about a hard job. And to get prepared... (Daniel looks to someone behind the camera) I just think of that hunk over there. Yo, William.
Spike: Sod off! (He sounds far away)
Spike is now in the interview chair.
Interviewer: So who are you, and what is your job on the set?
Spike: I'm the buffer, or fluffer, whatever you want to call it. It's not the best job in the world, but not many people will hire me and I'm friends with the stars.
Interviewer: And what does a fluffer, or buffer, do?
Spike rustles in his chair. He looks uncomfortable.
Spike: I just, basically, make sure that the star keeps his, uh... focus between shots.
Spike: I keep him up, okay! Bloody Daniel doesn't want a (BEEP) girl as his buffer so I've got to do it. There, are you happy now?
Daniel: Oh, William. (Sounds far away)
Steven: It was an interesting time in American history when "Billy Ray: Comin' Today" was released. We were in the midst of the 'Al Gore sex' scandal, so America was quite tolerant of sex and everything that came along with it. This was the key to the movie's astronomical success, and it's becoming of the most successful porno of all time.
Camera cuts to an awards ceremony. Xander is walking up to a podium smiling.
Steven: "Billy Ray: Comin' Today" won seven Chubbies that year, including: Best Actress for Angelica Swallows, Best Supporting Actor for Daniel Johnson, and Best Actor for Xander Banger.
Xander standing at the podium holding a statue of a man with a giant penis.
Xander: My thing sure can dance! (Xander looks to his groin) Dance for me!
Camera cuts to footage of the crowd applauding.
Steven: Xander Harris was on top of the world, but his greatest accomplishment was yet to come, along with his greatest defeat.
Cut to Commercial:
Camera shows a fast food restaurant. It's sunny and everything looks very clean and professional.
Announcer: Here at Chunky Burger we respect our customers.
Camera settles on a clerk working the till.
Clerk: Yo! Who ordered this frigging hamburger, fries, and drink!
Lady: I did.
The lady takes her order from the man. She looks at her drink closely.
Lady: Is Sprite supposed to look this yellow?
Clerk: Just drink it, slut.
Announcer: We take the greatest care in preparing our food.
Camera shows one of the cooks on a fryer. The janitor is standing beside him.
Cook: The meat's a little dry, dude.
The janitor takes some of the water from his mop pale and dumps in onto the paddy with his hand.
Cook: Good call, dude!
Announcer: And our customers respect us for it.
A family is rushing out of the restaurant.
Man: This is the worst restaurant I've ever eaten at!
Clerk: Shut the hell up! Take your hillbilly brats and go buy your mamma another Jeff Foxworthy tape.
Little boy: Kiss my ass, jerkwad!
Lady and little girl: Yeah!
The Chunky Burger mascot comes running out form the back. He looks like an overweight clown.
Chunky Burger Mascot: Nobody puts down my restaurant. RAAAAHHH!
Announcer: So come to Chunky Burger. Hey, we're better than Denny's.
Cut to Program:
Steven is looking at someone behind the camera again.
Steven: Come here.
Person: Don't you dare do that. (From behind the camera)
Steven: Who are you?
Person: I'm the guy who's going to whoop your pansy ass.
Person2: Oh my, god! Stone Cold Steve Austin!
Stone Cold: That's right. This man has broken his last neck. Bottom line folks, I may be a bit older, but he's going down.
Steven: I studied in Japan. I'll beat your ass.
Stone Cold walks into the view of the camera and gets into a tie up with Steven. After a few seconds Stone Cold gives him a body slam. Steven lies on the ground and looks in pain.
Stone Cold: If you want me to break his sorry neck, give me a "hell yeah".
People: HELL YEAH!
Stone Cold picks up Steven from off the ground and gives him the Stone Cold Stunner. Steven's neck makes an audible crack. Stone Cold turns to the camera.
Stone Cold: You don't break the help's necks, and that's the bottom line, 'cause Stone Cold said so.
Person2: Hey, Stone Cold, can you finish taping the program for us? It'll be hard to get a replacement on such short notice.
Stone Cold: Hey, no problem. Celebrity Deathmatch is in hiatus right now anyway. You mind starting the TelePrompTer. (He pauses for a second) It wasn't long after "Billy Ray: Comin' Today" that Xander received another script that had him excited. So excited that he managed to get the entire cast back together from his first movie "Never Say Bend Over Again". But all was not well on the set. Jealously was brewing between the stars and particularity between Xander and his onetime best friend, James Dong.
Camera shows Xander on set, ready to be interviewed. He's wearing a wig that looks like a small afro and a black spandex jumpsuit with the word 'Pubes' written in big white letters on his chest.
Xander: The movie is called "Late Night Orgy". It's based on the characters of Late Night with Conan O'Brien. Obviously I'm playing Pubes.
Stone Cold: What made this script especially appealing for Xander was the inside feeling that the writers brought with them.
Camera shows two men sitting beside Xander. The names at the bottom of the screen say 'Conan O'Brien' and 'Andy Richter'.
Conan: Me and Andy have been planning this for a long time. I've missed working with him and working on this script gave us a reason to give it a go again.
Interviewer: Will you two be making appearances in the movie?
Andy: We'll be making cameos but we won't be... taking part in any of the crucial plot scenes. We're here mostly for consultation.
Conan: We want this to be as accurate a portrayal of the inner workings of the show as possible.
Daniel: Yes! Yes! Willy my wonka! (Sounds far away)
The three men turn their heads and look off camera.
Spike: Shut up!
Camera cuts to another interview. James, Bunny, and Daniel are sitting in a row of chairs beside each other. James is dressed normal, while Bunny is dressed in a bright yellow dress, and Daniel is dressed in a giant bear suit that's wearing a diaper.
Interviewer: Who's playing who?
Daniel: I'm playing the Masturbating Bear.
Bunny: I'm playing Dr. Joyce Brothers.
James: And I'm playing two characters, the Man with Suicidal Feet and MC Scaredofbees.
Interviewer: Isn't MC Scaredofbees supposed to be black?
James: Yeah, but since this is a reunion movie, we couldn't get another actor to come play him. Xander wanted this to be as much of a family atmosphere as possible.
Daniel: I'm just here because Big Willie over there can't resist me. (Daniel smiles devilishly)
Interviewer: How did you prepare for your roles?
James: I was already familiar with MC Scaredofbees and the way he talked after T.P. Y'know, "that Honey Nut Cheerios Bee made me cry like a beeoo-tch". Stuff like that. And for the Man with Suicidal Feet, I visited a physical therapist so I could learn how to make my feet seem beyond my control. I really wanted to give the impression that my feet were trying to commit suicide. Whether by hanging themselves or swallowing a bunch of pills.
Daniel: I was already pretty familiar with my character and his hobby. In fact, one scene has me choking my own chicken while these two and Britney are getting it on. I'm having sex with a man so that's good. (Daniel pauses) I wish they'd written a scene where I get it on in a big bowl of cereal like on the show. Wearing chaps would be good too.
Stone Cold: "Late Night Orgy" further helped to secured Xander's position as biggest porn star in the world. And thanks to his contract payment of a percentage of the box office, is wealth further increased. "American Pie: Good Eating" kept his string of hits going.
Angelica: This is my favorite item from the movie. (Angelica holds up a sleek black item) It's a specially modified version of the Supernova that can act as a flute. You should see Britney on this; she's such badass.
Xander sits down in the chair beside Angelica.
Xander: She can get some great sounds out of that thing. (Xander gives a suggestive wink)
Stone Cold: Xander Banger was on top of the world, but nothing lasts forever.
Cut to Commercial:
Camera shows a man in a computer store. He's dressed in a nice black suit and looks extremely happy.
Man: Hello, I'm Daniel Jay. You may remember me from such stories as "A Story for the Hell of It" and "Grande River Burning". Here, at this computer store, you have access to all the Buffy the Vampire Slayer stories at the web. But with Daniel Jay stories, I give you a guarantee that you will always, I mean always, see at least one swear word in the story. How do I do it? I don't know!
The camera shows a young boy sitting by a computer. He looks sad and Daniel walks over to him.
Daniel: Hey, Timmy, why so glum chum?
Timmy: It's this stupid story. There aren't any swear words it in
Daniel: Fear not, Timmy, just click on over to Slayerfanfic.com or Fanfiction.net and go to my author index.
Timmy clicks on the mouse. Timmy looks excited.
Timmy: Wow! In 'Players and Pawns' a man says (BEEP) and crap in the same sentence. And then he's decapitated!
Daniel: That's right, Timmy. With Daniel Jay stories you will get none of that 'friggin' and 'poop' crap that's become so common place.
Timmy: Because of the Man, and his trying to keep the artist down.
Daniel: That's right, Timmy. The Man is our enemy.
Camera shows Daniel standing in an isle running through the computers. He begins to walk down it.
Daniel: You'll get none of the conventional bull when you read Daniel Jay stories. I guarantee you'll see one of these words at least once. (One big long BEEP). Or you'll get your money back. These stories include:
Titles begin to scroll down the screen.
Daniel: The Other Ascension, This would have happened if..., Players and Pawns, A Story for the Hell of it, Buffy & Faith: Every Man's Dream, Buffy the Vampire Layer, and the Greatest Story Ever Written.
Announcer: Warning, the last three stories don't exist.
Daniel: Come to these sites right now and you'll receive this free T-shirt saying, 'I was a fool to think I'd receive a free T-shirt!'
Angelica's World: http://www.geocities.com/televisioncity/set/6061/index.html
Lin's Buffy Obsession: http://www.geocities.com/televisioncity/taping/2323/index.html
Daniel: And if by some god forsaken reason you don't see a swear word in the story, I personally guarantee you will get some explicit violence or strong sexual undertones. It's that simple. So come on down. I guarantee you will love all you read. Cause I love you... and you love me.
Announcer: Warning, not an actual guarantee and feelings are not mutual.
(Author's Note: Yes! I see the irony in censoring something that advocates free speech. BEEP it, I'm selling out to the masses. Now give me some money!)
Cut to Program:
Stone Cold it standing in the room. A six-pack of Coors is on the chair beside him and the bodies are removed.
Stone Cold: By this time Xander Banger was the most popular, and well-paid, porno star in the world. And that was by no means a minor feat. Xander was often hounded in public and flooded with fan mail. But this was becoming too much for the man, now in his mid-twenties. As his fan base grew, so did his ego.
Camera cuts to an interview in the living room of a house. Two people, both in their late forties, are sitting on a couch together.
Interviewer: Mr. and Mrs. Harris, it's good to be seeing you.
Mr. Harris: Whatever.
Mrs. Harris looks at him disappointed.
Mrs. Harris: Oh, don't mind him. He's been like this ever since Nash Bridges was canceled.
Interviewer: Yes. If you don't mind me asking, with your son as big a star as he is, why are you living in such… meager accommodations?
Mrs. Harris: He's such a good boy isn't he? I've even kept his room exactly the same in case he comes by to visit. (Mrs. Harris sighs) Why, I remember that ever since he was 13, he would lock himself in his room and practice for hours! And now look at him, he's fulfilled his dream.
Mr. Harris: I doubt he was thinking about that when he was in his room. He was probably thinking about that damn Madonna with her bra out to here. (Mr. Harris holds his hands out a foot from his chest)
Mrs. Harris: Jim, please!
Mr. Harris: And I'll tell you why we're not living in a damn mansion. I don't want his bloody (BEEP) money. I made my money working with my own hands.
Interviewer: Some can say he did the same. Remember his solo scene in "Billy Ray: Comin' Today"?
Mr. Harris looks angry.
Mr. Harris: Well, aren't you just a little smart-ass? Get the hell out of my house! If you want a souvenir you can get some of his old socks. And the white stuff on them isn't Tide.
Camera cuts to the inside of another living room. It looks very extravagant and a leather recliner is set before the camera. A noise is heard from the entrance to the living room and the camera pans to see. Xander is standing there dressed in a white rob, wearing sunglasses and with his arms extended to the air.
Xander: Where's my Dawg at?
A poodle runs out from underneath a couch and over to Xander.
Interviewer: What's your dog's name?
Xander: Dawg. Why do you think I said that?
Xander sits down into the leather recliner. Dawg sits on his lap.
Interviewer: Mr. Harris…
Xander: Mr. Banger, please.
Interviewer: Mr. Banger, why do you think the world has embraced you as it has?
Xander: Well, I'm a multifaceted actor. For example, I'm the best at phone sex. Bar none. And I can talk pretty dirty on the phone, too. The phone can be kind of gross, so I don't use them much.
Interviewer: Mr. Banger, how do you see the other actors of the porno community? Rumor has it tensions are running high between you and fellow actors James Dong and Carrot Top.
Xander: Carrot Top is an (BEEP). I have nothing against James but that freckle-faced man is an ass. I hear he even uses a stunt (BEEP). A real man has the balls to put his own penis on camera, even if he doesn't have any hair down there. (Xander pauses) The only reason he's in the business is because he runs girls on the side. And not very nicely
from what I hear. Got his mom doing some dirty shots. That just ain't nice.
Stone Cold: It wasn't until after Xander's next movie, "Saigon Hoe", that all communication broke down between Xander and James. Xander's arch rival, Carrot Top, tells us why.
Camera cuts to a room that looks like an office in a high-rise building. It looks expensive and a plate glass window is behind a hardwood desk. The man behind the desk is dressed in a very expensive suit and has curly red hair that is fluffed outward.
Carrot Top: Yo, yo, yo, thanks for coming.
Interviewer: Thanks for having us.
Carrot Top smiles and shrugs.
Carrot Top: Anything for the media.
Interviewer: Now you claim to know what happened on the set of "Saigon Hoe"?
Carrot Top: I should, I'm partly responsible.
Interviewer: How so?
Carrot Top: Well, you see, I'd recently taken James under my wing. And as such, he's taken a part in managing the girls under contract with me. It wasn't long after that, that James began sampling the product, if you know what I'm saying? (Carrot Top pauses) James took a shine to one of the girls in particular, by the name of Lotta Booty. Fabulous girl that one, could suck the 'p' out of the Pope. But that's not what I'm here to talk about.
Interviewer: I guess so.
Carrot Top: So when casting began for "Saigon Hoe" I knew Lotta would be perfect for it. She went in for an audition, got it, but James wasn't happy about it. Who would be, right? Your girl going at it with some other guy. And by your former best friend, no less. (Carrot Top sighs) It wasn't long after Lotta called it off with James, she began seeing Xander. The poor boy was crushed.
Interviewer: Now people who are watching this may be asking, "Why is this man talking about this?" and bringing up all these bad memories for his friend?
Carrot Top: James, practically, insisted that I do talk about. He's a businessman and I think my mentor, Flyguy, said it best. "My bitch better have my money, through rain, sleet or snow. My hoe better have my money. Not half, not some, but all my cash. Or I'm going to put my foot dead in her ass." She hasn't paid up for our part in managing her career. We want to point that out.
Stone Cold: The rumor was confirmed when production began on "Late Night Orgy 2: Pimpbot 5000's revenge" and James wasn't involved. A former Late Night employee gives us the mood of the set.
Camera cuts to a small black dog with brown highlights sitting on set. The name at the bottom of the screen says 'Triumph the Insult Comic Dog'.
Triumph: Yes, yes, this set is about as happy as my uncle after he had his nuts cut off.
Interviewer: Seriously? What's the quality of the movie so far?
Triumph: It's really, really good…for me to poop on! No, no, but seriously, I've seen better writing on Suddenly Susan. Which is to say it's really good (Triumph pauses) for me to poop on!
Interviewer: What do you feel is the cause of all the distress?
Triumph: It's that (BEEP), Lotta. She's a sick one she is. Likes to be pooped on. I've seen it happen. No, but seriously, why am I not in this movie? I'm a hell of a lot more hung than these mutts. It's like watching Alien when I get erect. It happens quick, fast, and everyone is in shock after. And I don't need the help of surgery like these mutts.
I'm exactly the way I was born. I hear that Daniel has had more scars removed from his penis than a man given oral sex from a vampire.
Stone Cold: "Late Night Orgy 2: Pimpbot 5000's Revenge", despite a massive promotional effort, opened to a disappointing box office. But that didn't stop Xander. He went immediately back to work by making a cameo in his friend Daniel Johnson's first leading movie, "Arnold and Sylvester: Tight Buddies".
Xander: I'm just happy to be helping a friend.
Camera shows Xander, Daniel, and another man.
Daniel: This is Brad. He's going to be playing the part of Arnold while I play Sylvester. And we actually have to act in this one. (Daniel turns to Brad) Let's go over our lines.
Brad: Okay. (Brad looks serious as he's preparing. He begins to talk like Arnold) Sylvester, Sylvester, get down!
Daniel: Yo, Arnold, I'm pushing as hard as I can.
Brad: Hah-der, Sylvester! HAH-DER!
Xander begins to clap.
Xander: You don't get better acting than this.
Stone Cold: "Arnold & Sylvester: Tight Buddies" opened to a better than expected opening for your average gay porn. Some say it was Xander's guest appearance as PeeWee Herman that gave the movie the extra boost it needed. Others said Leonardo Dicaprio and Justin Timberlake's coming out opened up the market to thousands of teen aged males. But on September 23, four days after the movie's release, people wouldn't be talking about Xander's movies. They would be talking about the day the king lost his crown. Well, the tip of it anyway.
Cut to Commercial:
Camera shows the Fox logo.
Announcer: You better buckle yourself in, cause this month of Fox is going to blow you away. This week, on the X-Files…
Camera cuts to footage from the X-Files. Mulder and Scully are sitting in a dark from filled with alien paraphernalia.
Mulder: Scully, check this stuff out, new evidence has appeared that we are not alone in the universe.
Scully: I'm a doctor, Mulder! It'll take a lot more than some stupid 'evidence' to convince me that there are aliens among us.
Mulder: But hell Scully, you've been abducted once, you've become a host for one of the aliens when that bee stung you, we have seen more paranormal activity than anyone could every dream…
Scully: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give me some evidence and then I'll begin to believe you!
Mulder: Well, excuse me! I'm going to go find this evidence and then leave it with some supporting character so they can be killed and then can be stolen by government agents.
Scully: Sounds good to me.
Announcer: Then, on hopefully the last episode of Time of Your Life.
Camera cuts to a bar where Sarah is standing behind the bar. She's talking on the phone. Some girl is standing beside her.
Sarah: What do you mean Party of Five is being canceled?! I can't stay here; it's a death zone!
Some girl: Jennifer, you know we're filming.
Sarah: I don't give a crap! It's not like anyone is actually watching! (Sarah pauses) Yeah, maybe a karokee video. God knows I sing enough in my shows and movies. Yeah, I can do it just wearing a bra.
Some girl: Jennifer! Some people have angst and pining they have to get through!
Sarah: Hey! People who actually have careers are talking on the phone.
A man walks into the bar wearing a plaid shirt with brownish, blond hair.
Man: Y'know, you guys shouldn't have let me in here. I am 16.
Some girl scoffs.
Some girl: Yeah, and I'm proud of the work I do on this show. (Some girl pauses) You're James Van Der Beek. What the hell are you doing here?
James: I saw the sign 'pointless show with unrealistic characters and people who look too old to look like teenagers' so I figured this must be the new Creek set.
Some girl: No, that's two doors down.
James: My mistake.
Announcer: What's on next? 90210! Heck no! That's this month on Fox. Pray that I have a job next year.
Cut to Program:
Announcer: WARNING, the following program contains scenes that some may find offensive. Viewer discretion is advised.
Stone Cold: It was exactly 9:15 when paramedics got the call. The house was familiar to the paramedics, men with a little too much time on their hands. It was the house of an idol that would soon fall.
Phone call plays along with text.
Operator: Hello, 911.
Xander: Yeah, I need an ambulance!
Operator: Address please.
Xander: 123 69th street, a big white mansion.
Operator: And what is the nature of the emergency?
Xander: The nature of the emergency is that my (BEEP) is gone! She bit it off! I was just joking with her. Saying, "That's the Saigon Hoe who bit my nose off!" And then she bit it! She bit my thing!
Operator: Just stay calm, sir. Do you know where the missing…piece is?
Xander: She swallowed it!
Stone Cold: What followed was a long surgery to save Xander Banger's penis, and his life. It was dubbed 'Operation Save His Dung' by the press. And to an extent they were successful. Only Xander Banger wasn't the same man he was before. He was two inches shorter.
Camera cuts to old news footage.
Daniel: Get well, Xander. I've yet to have sex with you and you can't rob me of that dream!
Angelica & Shannon: Get well, Xander!
Stone Cold: It would be several months before Xander would ever work again. And it was his most controversial film to date. 'Nazi (BEEP)' was its title. The tale of several American soldiers who are sent across the sea to stop Hitler the only way they know how. By having sex with every German girl they came across.
Camera cuts to footage from 'Nazi (BEEP)'. Xander and Brad are standing in an underground tunnel.
Xander: Did you do it?
Brad: Yeah, every girl down in this building has had sex with an American. There's no way they can go back to German (BEEP) now.
Xander: That's right. Hitler will be so sexually frustrated that he won't be able to concentrate and they'll lose the war. (Xander looks at a door in the hallway) I think he's in there.
Brad cocks his gun.
Brad: Let's go kick some Nazi ass!
Brad and Xander rush to the door and open it. Their expressions turn to those of disgust.
Xander: What the (BEEP) is he doing with that donkey!?!
The donkey neighs wildly.
Stone Cold: Needless to say the last scene of the movie didn't sit well with viewers. The fact that it ran for a half-hour didn't help matters either. Xander Harris was in trouble and his self-confidence was shattered. He did the only thing a movie star could do. He went under the knife for plastic surgery. (Stone Cold pauses) But something went horribly wrong in the operating room. While trying to restore his penis to its former glory, the doctors accidentally left him as limp as Superman with kryponite underwear. The only interview Xander Harris gave in the next 12 years was to a group of film students who managed to track down the recluse. Here's their footage.
Camera cuts to a dark room. Xander is sitting on a lazy boy recliner. He's wearing a white muscle shirt, has long hair and a thick beard, and is wearing no underwear. A cigarette hangs on his lips while he holds a beer in his hand. He's put on at least 40 pounds.
Interviewer: Hello, Mr. Banger.
Xander: Banger is DEAD! My penis don't dance no more! Don't you get it! MY THING DON'T DANCE NO MORE!
Interviewer: Okay. Mr. Harris, why have you dropped out of society?
Xander: Sh! Did you hear it?
Interviewer: Hear what?
Xander: Him! The Carrot Man! He's evil! EVIL!
Interviewer: The Carrot Man?
Xander: I'll give you a b/j.
Xander: You heard me. I need to keep buying my Pokemon collector cups. Talk about your addictions.
Stone Cold: It was five years till Xander Harris took an active role in society again. Today he's married and has a job as an English teacher.
'No Sex' by Limp Bizkit begins to play.
Xander: I swore I would never step inside another classroom for the rest of my life. But I said the same thing about masturbating to pictures of B Arthur. Both promises haven't worked out well.
Fred: Went to fast, way too soon.
Interviewer: What brought you out of the rut that you sunk into after your surgery?
Xander: Nothing, really. You were expecting some climactic event that changed me life forever, right? Just one day I decided to go back to school and earn my degree and now here I am. (Xander pauses) Somewhere along the way I ran into my wife, she just got out of the hospital. Making her Mrs. Faith Harris was the best thing I ever did.
Fred: Sex has become all I know about you, memories of those filthy things that we do.
Interviewer: How's your…little buddy?
Xander: Okay. He can still dance, provided he gets a shot of viagra about an hour before he goes out into the dance hall. But I don't think people want to see a drugged star so I'm out of the adult film industry.
Interviewer: If you could do it all over again, would you make the same choices?
Fred: Should have left my pants on this time! But instead you had to let my dive right in! You let me dive right, you let me dive right in!
The music stops. Xander smiles.
Xander: Oh yeah.
Camera cuts to Stone Cold. The six-pack of beer he had is gone.
Stone Cold: That's all for tonight's program. Tune in next week when we examine the life of Joss Whedon. Who knew he was actually a god?
Cut to Commercial:
A bunch of kids are standing in a library. As the kids talk a text runs at the bottom of the screen.
Announcer: If you can read this, you can read. Brought to you by the American Society of Readers.