Warning: This could seriously be triggering for a multiple amount of reasons. Please read with caution. Fluff at the end though!
"Have you ever had thoughts about dying? I have
Some would say too much.
Not necessarily about killing myself exactly, although I've had those too. The process of swallowing pills and waiting, of piercing burning wrists and watching the blood drain away, wrapping material around a fragile neck and the sensation of air being sucked from the body and the life leaving your eyes. But those aren't what I'm talking about right now.
The thought that whatever you do or wherever you go in life it ultimately leads to death. Whether it is accidental, intentional or just 'your time' it's still coming for you. That scares me more than the actual thought of dying I think. The fact that you can achieve so much and do so many wonderful things that in life you're praised for, worshipped for or even just respected for and then it can all be snatched away in an instant.
Even if they raised a monument in your name people would eventually just look upon it and question 'who was that again?' 'Cause time forgets and always moves forward. It doesn't stop for you or anyone else and we all have to just shut up and live with it whether it's right or not.
Speaking of death I think an amazing controversial topic should be brought up.
Now, I'm not going to claim I'm an expert because I'm definitely not, but, I was raised as a Catholic so I'm supposed to believe in God and Heaven and Hell. But sometimes having faith is a little bit hard to have in certain times. I don't want to start any massive shit storms but I sometimes question not just my religion but practically all of them. They're essentially the same thing right? Believing in a higher entity and the promise of eternal life after death? It sounds nice and all but it's a little hard to grasp. Look at the sufferings we all have to endure every single day of our living lives. Would anyone or anything that claimed to love us so much turn a blind eye to the way we suffer? I don't think so which is why I question it. I admire those who can believe but I don't think I'm one of them.
Maybe it's why I have such dark thoughts. Having no faith and failing to find hope in such a bleak world…But maybe I'm wrong as well…Past all this self hate and depression that seems endlessly consuming there is a light in my life.
When I was young I'd hear all these stories of how people fall in love and do insane things such as run away together or make love passionately in obscene places just because they became caught up in the moment and would think to myself 'Yeah right. That doesn't exist.' Or 'That's all just fairytale bullshit.' But then of course I met Phil and my opinion changed quite drastically but in such a weird way.
Before I had met him I'd had those horrible thought's I'd mentioned earlier about death, except they seemed more tempting at the time. I guess you could say that he saved me both physically and mentally. He still does in fact.
When I fell in love with Phil there weren't any grand gestures or romantic declarations (none that weren't half joking anyway) with us. We just talked at first. About everything and then about nothing at all but it seemed to be enough for us. We just connected in the kind of way I literally only thought could exist in stupid stories and fanatical fantasies.
He was there to pull me out of myself.
If I had a panic attack he'd hold my hand and comfort me until it passed. If I was afraid he'd hold me until I wasn't. If I had dark thoughts about myself he'd sit there and listen then tell me the exact opposite of everything I claimed was horrible about myself. Hell even if I was just sad and needed to talk at sometime ridiculous he'd always answer the phone no matter what. He always just knew what to do and say.
He was…No, he IS my idol, my best friend, my lover, my everything really. He's the one light that guides me through the dark corners of my mind and back into reality regardless of how harsh and cruel it is. The reason I wake up in the morning and sleep peacefully in his arms at night. Why, despite my tormented mind making me question so much, I actually enjoy life
Because he makes it worth living.
There's a light in the dark for everyone and can be found if you just don't give up and search for it. And if I found mine despite the odds then I'm sure you can find yours.
So I guess in a way this is a message to people to not give up on life. Whether you're failing exams, having family trouble, religion trouble, relationship issues, suicidal/harmful thoughts or even just feeling randomly sad please remember.
Somewhere in the dark you will find a light. It doesn't matter if right now you can't find it just take comfort in knowing it's there in some shape or form and one day you'll find it and when you do…
Life will feel like it's worth living for."
"What are you doing?"
Phil questioned, smiling as he entered the lounge and found Dan curled up typing away on his laptop.
"Nothing. Just leaving a personal message for people out there who might need it"
Dan smiled at Phil with ushered tears in his eyes as he shut his laptop and set it aside. He then spread his arms wide, grinning. Phil chuckled slightly as he fell quickly into his embrace and rest his head upon the younger's chest. A soft kiss was pressed into ebony hair causing him to glance up and brilliant brown met ocean blue eyes with the only sounds being the unattended TV and breathing.
"Are you okay?"
Concern was written all over Phil's face as he gazed at Dan and he couldn't help but squeeze the older boy tighter as he replied.
"I've honestly never felt better, Phil. Especially right now."
With that Phil smiled gently, aware that he was being referred to, and leaned up slightly too gently caress soft lips with his own before settling back into the warm embrace which Dan provided. Both let out a content sigh and mindlessly watched TV whilst enjoying each others company.
Life was worth living. Even just for theses moments. And that put Dan's tired mind at ease.
He had his light.
A/N: Again this is kind of a personally story so please be kind! Also first time writing in 3rd person…Hope I did it justice! Please Review it means a lot!
Also I want to dedicate this little one shot to my friend 'AccioPhandom' as she was my inspiration for this :) in a way she's been my light recently and I just wanted her to know that (so I did it in a cheesy way ahaha!) (Also this isn't a confession or anything! Just a internet bestie dedication! xD)