Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, so unless you're Rikka whatever-the-fuck, get on my level.
ZAP! Before anyone could do anything about it, Yugi was sucked against his will…
Into the television world, you gutterheads.
"Whoa! Holy fucking shit!" Yugi screamed.
"Watch your language, Yugi-boy," Pegasus said firmly. "You're in my world now, and this is a family show."
Yugi sat down across from Pegasus. It was a black empty space, or if you're conservative, what you probably think Obama's head looks like. The only thing there was a table with two chairs, one of which was occupied by the creator of Duel Monsters and homosexual rape himself: Maximillion Pegasus. "You sucked me against my will!"
"Not until the third date, I won't," said Pegasus. "I brought you here because I wanted to duel the one who defeated Seto Kaiba. I expected you to be taller, considering Kaiba's about eight feet tall. Ah, and I also want your puzzle."
"Why didn't you just challenge me in person?"
Pegasus pouted. "Because Kaiba already showed you the holograph duel monsters, I had to top you somehow!"
"I don't think I ever want you topping me," said Yugi. And with that, he suddenly and mysteriously turned slightly taller and more spiky-haired! "'Sup," Yami said.
"Whoa! Your millennium item gives you a growth spurt! It's giving me a growth spurt too, if you catch my drift. I'm going to have to re-adjust my torture machines to account for this!"
Yami's eyebrows cocked. "Did Yugi drop me off in the middle of a nightmare again?"
Pegasus nodded, understanding. This was a split personality who could spontaneously generate lifts in his shoes. Two mental scarrings for the price of one! "I'm afraid not. This is all too real."
"Who are you?!"
"I am Maximillion Pegasus," he said, trilling the "l"s in his first name to make it flamboyant. "I invented duel monsters and gay rape!"
"Duel Monsters?!" Yami said, horrified.
Yes! It's true! And now you're in my world! If you want your little body-friend to go back to his cushy life as a card-playing nerd with no parents, you're going to have to duel me first!"
"Oh, cool, no prob," said Yami. He pulled his dueling deck and Pegasus pulled out his. Just a side note, the phrase "Pegasus pulled out his" is not a phrase you want to read in any other fanfic besides mine. Fair warning.
They shuffled their cards and drew. Before either of them said another word, Yami raised his hand. "Hey, I'm going first."
"Interesting," Pegasus drawled, his twisted smile widening. "Why?"
"Because Kaiba made me go second last time and- wait, shit, that caused me to win. Can I take back what I said just then?"
Pegasus laughed. "Nope! Your move! Good luck, Yugi-boy!"
Yami's mouth curved into a shape that resembled the AVGN's signature frown as he put a card down. "Fucking Koumori Dragon in attack mode, I guess."
Fucking Koumori Dragon
DEF: lyke ttly def, yo
"AHA!" Pegasus did a fist pump. "I activate Dragon Capture Jar!"
"You can't do that!" Yami protested. "I'm going first!"
"No you ain't, Yugi-bitch," Pegasus countered. "While you were wasting your breath about who's first, I set a trap card. Get on my ma-fuckin' level."
"You cheap-ass," Yami growled. "If I were me from Season 0, your ass would be so grass."
"The only thing my ass is going to be in about five minutes is covering your face. Take the rest of your turn, or are you finished?"
"I'm finished," Yami said.
"Good. Now, for my next trick, I'm setting a monster in face down defense mode and ending my turn!"
And that he does. Yami draws and, once again, is compelled to smile devilishly. "Pegasus, do you want to see the combo that defeated Seto Kaiba in one turn?"
"I've always wanted to see Kaiba brought to his knees," Pegasus said in a tone barely above a whisper. "Go on ahead."
"Very well. First I set my Dark Magician in attack mode! "
Yami sets the card down, and awaits the materialization of his most favorite card. And awaits… and awaits…
"Very funny, Yugi-boy," Pegasus said, and yet he was frowning. "Now tell me what your actual move is."
"That is my actual move!"
"No it isn't. Yugi, this is a 15-minute duel, and you aren't taking it seriously, which upsets me because neither am I and one of us has to."
"You didn't tell me that! And I am taking it seriously, you pointy-shouldered mincing-"
"Oh, my God," Pegasus exclaimed and frantically waved his arms around like he was passing a kidney stone shaped like Adolf Hitler, "I just read your mind and you're dead serious! Yugi, you can't summon that monster without tributing two weaker monsters from your side of the field!"
"Yes, you silly little man! You've never read the instruction booklet that comes with the starter decks, have you?!"
Yami stared at Pegasus like his nose and his dick just switched places, then made a face like the one you made just now when you imagined that. I AM WATCHING YOU. "You mean there are people who DO read those? I just thought whoever included those had a fetish for murdering trees."
"No, that would be the manufacturer of the cards themselves, BUT THAT'S BESIDE THE POINT! Yugi, you and Kaiba played the game entirely wrong!"
"What, you mean the way we were both taught?! The way everyone else has played the game?! I'm not so sure YOU'RE the one who isn't playing it wrong!"
Pegasus stood up, revealing to Yami that he was wearing absolutely no pants to speak of whatsoever. "Ew, gross!" Yami exclaimed. "If you're going to force somebody to duel you in the dead zone, at least have the decency to cover your bright white legs first! Looks like you were carved out of expired mayonnaise that someone shaved in!"
"Okay, that is just far out of line, Yugi, and you know that," Pegasus huffed. "I have the right to feel comfortable in my own Shadow Realm, and if you don't like it, you can get out!"
"Okay," said Yami, "and how do I do that?"
"You can't leave until we finish dueling!"
"Or if I don't like you feeling comfortable in your own Shadow Realm, we just went over this, now let me out of here."
Pegasus groaned and put his hand on his forehead. Yami sighed, knowing it wasn't going to be that easy. One might first mistake Pegasus as the sort of guy who gives it up easily, but they'd be wrong; he's the kind of guy who makes YOU give it up.
"Look," Pegasus said at long last, "you leave me no choice. I have to teach you how to play correctly, and set you up with Kaiba for a re-match."
Yami backed away from the table. "Yeah, not really interested in entering a student-teacher relationship with you, Pegasus. Or, scratch that, any kind of relationship."
"Then I have no choice but to declare yours and Kaiba's duel voided, and then declare Kaiba's entire winning streak before that voided as well!"
"I just can't believe you didn't know Kaiba was playing the game wrong this entire time," Yami shrugged. "Does that mean you're going to go out into the public and tell everyone that every duel competition you've ever held was a sham?"
Pegasus slapped his own forehead several times. "SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!"
"Isn't this supposed to be 'a kid's show?'"
"FUCK kids," screamed Pegasus, not caring how that sounded. "That little Kaiba-boy has me right by the testes, doesn't he?"
Yami remained silent, not wanting to touch that one.
"Anyway, I hereby retract my last statement and declare the absurd new rules the official rules of the game! Also, I'm never gonna marathon Funny Bunny during all my tournaments again. Also, the fifteen minutes are up, the duel is a draw, and I'm kidnapping your grandpa."