Chapter 44: Secrets and Pain.

Normandy SR-2 (Omega):

On the bridge of the Normandy there was a palatable sense of tension. Garrus was pacing to and fro and glaring at the doors to the elevator.

"Something is wrong" he said for the fifth time, "Something is very, very wrong."

"Try the commanders quarters again Ms Chambers" ordered Miranda.

"I'm sorry Officer Lawson" Chambers replied after a moment sounding distressed, "There's still no response. He's specifically said he want's to be left alone and he's cut off communications to his cabin."

"And the door is locked" muttered Miranda glaring at her omni tool, "Right dismissed Chambers."

As Chambers retreated Garrus turned to her, "What the hell, something is very wrong, he's never like this."

Miranda nodded "I agree. Given the little Samara told us about the way the Ardat-Yakshi manipulate and coerce their victims, combined with Shepard's previous mental trauma at the hand's of Sovereign it's not difficult to imagine what he may be suffering from."

"Right then I'm going up there damn it" replied Garrus, "I don't care is I have to put on a hard suite and cut my way in through the outer pressure hull."

"Garrus wait" Miranda caught his arm, "I agree someone needs to go and see him but it should be me not you."

Garrus spun and looked at her dumbfounded, "You?" he asked incredulously, "Are you out of your damn mind? Absolutely no way."

"Garrus it absolutely has to be me" Mirada replied fiercely.

"What possible reason could there be for you going instead of me" snapped Garrus angrily.

"Three reasons" replied Miranda, "One I'm the XO, it's my job. Two whatever's the matter with him he doesn't want us to see him. When he want's you he'll ask but in the mean time I can make sure he's okay without him lashing out at his best friend, the one person on this ship he needs most. Lastly and most importantly I'm the only one who has the command codes to override Shepard's authority and access deck one without his permission."

"I can hack those codes in five minutes" snapped back Garrus, not backing down.

"Garrus listen" Miranda said firmly, laying a hand on his arm, "If you go up there and talk to him now you'll be his best friend seeing him in his moment of weakness. If I go I'm the officious, interfering Cerberus bitch on his case when he needs a break. He'll be angry with me but won't feel humiliated or weak."

What she didn't say was that she felt deep in her gut that Shepard was in pain and she felt a desperate raw need to help him, to be there for him and to ease his suffering if she could. She didn't know and didn't have time to analyse where this feeling came from and what it meant. She knew on a deep instinctual level that Shepard needed her and she needed to be there for him.

Garrus looked at her, his eyes narrowed and when he spoke his voice was hard, "If you take advantage of him…."

"I wont I promise you" Miranda said quickly, "You have to trust me on this."

"Alright" replied Garrus reluctantly, "I'll trust you Miranda, don't make me regret it."

Miranda stepped out of the elevator on deck one, she had used her command over-ride codes to access this floor without Shepard's permission. An intrusion, but not a major one.

What happened next however would be a different matter entirely. She was about to enter Shepard's cabin without invitation or permission, indeed when she along with everyone else had been specifically ordered to leave Shepard alone.

Not the most auspicious first visit to the COs cabin since Shepard had taken command, but she was confident in her belief that Shepard needed her, whether he admitted it or not.

So she pushed down her doubts and activated her omni-tool, using her Cerberus override codes to open the locked door to Shepard's quarters, and stepped inside.

Immediately she was hit by the acidic stink of acidic bile and knew something was badly wrong. She stepped quietly inside and heard the sound of retching coming from the bathroom.

"Shepard" she called softly and was answered with the sound of more vomiting and coughing.

"Shepard" she called again walking slowly towards the bathroom. She stopped at the door, one hand on the frame, looking inside. Shepard was kneeling hunched over the toilet, he was pale and shaking and with a heave he retched again and was violently sick.

Pulling his head back and spat into the toilet before turning to look at her with a venomous glare, "I told you to leave me alone" he snapped waspishly, grabbing a wash cloth and wiping his mouth.

Miranda stepped back surprised by his harsh words "I'm sorry" she said softly.

Shepard rose and turned to the sink running a stream of water, "All I want is a moment of peace to myself. Is that to much to ask? I mean is it really?" he snapped angrily as he rinsed his mouth out.

"I'm sorry" Miranda said again softly, caught on the back foot by Shepard's appearance and apparent anger.

"No I'm sorry" he snapped hurling the wash cloth to the floor. He kicked it ineffectually with a snarl and then kicked the bulkhead hard.

Taking a deep breath Shepard visibly composed himself, "I'm sorry" he said again more calmly, "I'm…..I'm sorry…It's just…this is a weak moment. No one is supposed to see me like this."

Gently Miranda stepped forward and took his hand, "Shepard no one would judge you for being traumatised by what happened."

"That's not the point" he snapped sharply, tugging away his hand angrily, before taking another breath. "It's just…..an enemy hurts me or my friends I get angry, or I grieve. That I know how to deal with. But what she did, I feel….."

He trailed off but Miranda probed gently, "Go on Shepard."

He looked at her for a long moment, looking very frail and tired "I feel weak and small and scared, helpless, like a child."

He looked away again and shook his head bitterly again.

Miranda took his hand again, her other hand went to his cheek and gently but firmly she turned his face to hers so he was looking directly into her eyes.

"Shepard you are not weak. You're the strongest person I have ever met. You have done great things and you have bought all of us to greatness with you. I cannot imagine what you have been through but believe me when I tell you that there is nothing that Asari bitch could have done to you to break your spirit or take away who you are. You're James Shepard, you are so much better than her, you beat her, so don't feel scared and don't feel week and don't you dare feel ashamed."

Shepard glanced away, "Easy enough to say Miranda but for the first time since I was a street rat I felt totally powerless. I hate that feeling, my own weakness…..I don't know how to deal with that."

"Well that's alright Shepard because learning how to deal with personal failings is something of a specialty of mine" replied Miranda gently, "So how about you take a page out of your own playbook and let me help you."

Shepard sighed, "You know sometimes I hate it when you use my own arguments against me."

Miranda smiled and gently took his hand, still cupping his face with her other hand "You're hurting, I get that and maybe I can help you, maybe I can't, but you don't have to hurt alone."

Tenderly but firmly she guided him out of the bathroom to the couch in his cabin. She gently pushed him down onto the couch, at the same time using her biotics to grab a blanket from the bed and wrapped it around Shepard's shoulders. The she sat down and put an arm around his shoulders, pulling him close, his head resting on her shoulders.

"Thank you Miranda" Shepard said after a moment. Then he let out a little chuckle, "You know never in a million years would I have thought the Cerberus Ice Queen would be here taking care of me."

Miranda gave a gentle snort, "The number of times you've checked up on me I'd say it was my turn. But if it helps think of this as the manipulative Cerberus bitch taking advantage of your momentary weakness to learn your deepest secretes. That's what everyone else will think."

James gave a gentle snort of his own, "Nice try but I don't buy it, besides you already know everything about me."

"Not everything" admitted Miranda, surprised at her own honesty in admitting a failing.

James sat up a little, glanced at her and raised an eyebrow, "Well ask away, I'm an open book. No secrets from you Miranda."

She gave a small smile at that, at the same time wondering what she should ask. Nothing about Morinth for sure, that could come later, she needed to get his mind off the trauma he'd been through.

"Why do you trust me Shepard" she said after a long pause.

Shepard smiled gently, "Because you're you."

Miranda rolled her eyes, "Coming from anyone else I wouldn't believe a word of that."

Shepard smiled, "I'm just me remember, simple."

"Simple maybe, stupid defiantly not" replied Miranda, "You seem to keep forgetting that while I'm here it means Cerberus has an insider in your team."

"Wrong" replied Shepard with a smile, "It means I have one of my team in Cerberus, watching my back and looking after my people."

Surprisingly and totally unexpectedly and Miranda felt a swell of warmth and pride in her chest and had to look away for a second. Gathering her thoughts quickly she turned back to him, "Okay then soldier boy. Tell me this did those corny lines ever work on a woman."

Shepard snorted, "Not exactly. My track record with dating is abysmal."

"It can hardly be worse than mine" replied Miranda with a snort of her own, "Alright next question tell me something else I don't know about you."

"I have always wanted to own a boat" replied Shepard with a smile, "Nothing fancy just a small, old fashioned wooden boat, painted blue, which I can take out on a lake somewhere and get away from it all for a few hours sometimes. Just me and maybe a dog for company."

"Not like you to want solitude" replied Miranda with a raised eyebrow.

"Well….maybe not total solitude" replied James with a small smile at her.

Miranda rolled her eyes and hoped that the flush she felt in her cheeks didn't show. She decided to move on quickly but for a moment was caught off balance and unable to think of anything.

Then a thought struck her, something she'd often wondered and never found an answer to. Now seemed like the perfect time to find out.

"Why is it no one ever calls you by your first name?" she asked curious, "Even Garrus doesn't use it very often. I know the alliance military uses surnames when on duty but you seem to take it to an extreme. Do you not like it?"

Shepard laughed slightly, "Well there's no great secrete there. When I joined the commando training academy as a snot nosed new recruit there was a girl called Lauren James on the same intake. Damn good commando, she's a major now and a battalion XO in 8th brigade."

"I know" replied Miranda, she rolled her eyes at the look he gave her "Oh don't look at me like that, it's me. Of course I know who and where all of your academy class maters are and what they're doing. But what does Major James have to do with you and your name."

"Well our first training sergeant was not the most laid back person I've ever me" replied James with a smile, "And in our third week, after the fifth or so time he'd called for 'James' and the wrong one of us appeared he went ballistic and shouted at the entire group 'From now on anyone who refers to those two by anything but their surnames gets my boot up their ass'."

James shrugged and chuckled, "So that was it, after that no one ever referred to either of us by anything but our surname for the next year and a half until we graduated from the academy. By that time it was just habit to think of and refer to myself by my surname, it was how I introduced myself and how people introduced me so I was just 'Shepard.'"

To her surprise Miranda found herself chuckling to, "Well that makes sense, the small idiosyncrasies of life I suppose. Initially I assumed it was a way to keep distance and set yourself above everyone else. Then when I got to know you a little better I assumed you just didn't like your first name."

"Well you can call me James any time you like" replied Shepard.

"I…I don't think that would be appropriate" replied Miranda with a slight stutter.

"What you mean like Kas calling you 'Miri"" asked James a slight teasing tone in his voice.

Miranda gave him a cold glare, "You know about that?" she asked annoyed.

"Of course I know, I'd have to be deaf not to" replied Shepard with a wink.

"Then why did you never get in on the joke" replied Miranda sniffily.

"Because despite what you might think I don't actually go out my way to annoy you" replied Shepard with a smile. He saw her expression then shrugged, "Well not all the time anyway" he conceded, "I knew you hated it so I never did it. Shame though I think it's cute.

"It's infantile," Miranda muttered sniffily.

"It's sweet" countered Shepard with a smile.

"It's childish and ridiculous," replied Miranda with a glare.

"I like it" Shepard said with a hint of mischief in his tired voice, "Although I might have gone with 'Blue Eyes'."

Miranda's eyes widened and her glare intensified, "Don't you bloody dare" she replied trying to sound outraged.

"I can't help it" replied James with a smile, "The first time I woke up on that operating table I remember being scared and confused and then looking up into your beautiful blue eyes and suddenly feeling safe and calm."

As he spoke he looked intently into her eyes, she met his gaze for a long moment. They sat there looking into each others eyes, before Miranda looked away, "Yes well…..that feeling probably had something to do with the huge amounts of sedatives we were pumping into your body."

James chuckled and sat back in against the sofa, "You're probably right" he replied with a long yawn, "It probably isn't that important then…..Miri."

Miranda rolled her eyes and turned to glare at him, a biting retort on her lip.

Then she stopped, her expression dissolving into a rye smile. Shepard's eyes were closed and his head was slumped against the sofa and his breathing was slow and soft, his expression calm and peaceful.

Miranda watched him sleep for several seconds, shaking her head gently and smiling. Never in a million years would she have imagined she would be here watching Shepard sleep but she was and she was glad she was and that he seemed to have calmed down. She felt a swell of protectiveness and concern for him, the like of which she had only ever felt for one person before.

Totally spontaneously and without thinking about it she leaned in and brushed her lips against his cheek.

"You can call me that….James" she whispered softly with a quick smile.

Then she rose and headed for the elevator, glancing back at Shepard, sleeping peacefully on the sofa.

Having left Shepard to sleep Miranda was planning on heading back to her cabin to finish some reports, but she paused on the way, her eyes drawn to the starboard observation lounge.

Samara would be in there, probably alone and undergoing terrible emotional turmoil after her ordeal on Omega. Normally Shepard could be counted on to talk to her and help her deal with the emotional aftermath but he was in no condition to do so now.

Miranda frowned, she could ask Kelly Chambers to go and see Samara but she felt a sudden kinship and deep sympathy for the justicar. Besides she was the executive officer and if the commander wasn't able to discharge his duties it was her responsibility to step up and do it in Shepard's place until he was rested and recovered.

Miranda headed for the starboard observation lounge, pausing at the door and trying to plan what she would say. She realised that there was nothing she could say which would take away Samara's pain but she might be able to help her process the traumatic events of the past few days by providing an outlet for her grief. She decided to go and talk to her as an equal and just see what Samara wanted to talk about.

Samara was sitting cross legged on the floor with her eyes closed, meditating, a ball of biotic power pulsing between her open palms.

"Samara…..I apologise for disturbing you" said Miranda after a long pause. Damn it she had to get better at this.

"That is quite alright Ms Lawson, I appreciate your presence at the moment. Being along with your thoughts is not always a blessing" replied Samara softly as she rose and walked to the window.

"Yes well…..Commander Shepard would be here but the experience…..well he's rather tired and needed a rest" Miranda said quickly as she walked over to stand next to Samara. They stood motionless, side by side, staring out into the black of space.

"I understand" replied Samara calmly, "The experience of having your mind forcefully ripped open against your will by an Ardat-Yakshi would be deeply traumatic. To have resisted and overcome her seduction shows great strength on the part of the commander but would also cause incredible pain. I hope the commander has not suffered any permanent damage from his ordeal."

"He was shaken" admitted Miranda, "But he's strong, he will recover" she spoke with conviction and certainty, believing what she said one hundred percent.

"I'm certain you're right" agreed Samara, "The fact he was able to overcome Morinth's hold on him speaks volumes for Shepard's strength. Never before has anyone been able to break her hold. He is truly remarkable."

Miranda felt a sudden and unworthy flash of jealousy. She squashed it down instantly. "He is indeed. As are you Samara. To do what you did took a strength of character and purpose I have never seen before."

"I take that as a great compliment indeed coming from you Ms Lawson" replied Samara, "Your commitment to your cause is extremely admirable. You're steadfast in your convictions and you're dedicated to your duty in spite of the sacrifices required. I respect that."

"Thank you Samara" replied Miranda with a smile, feeling flattered by the Asari's words, "But I know what those sacrifices have cost me and I've never been forced to do what you have."

Miranda paused trying to find the right words, "What I'm trying to say is I understand you had to do your duty Samara but the emotional impact of this must have been devastating for you. How are you feeling?"

Mentally she kicked herself for not being able to come up with something more substantial.

"One of my daughters is dead" replied Samara sadly, "My hopes, my dreams were all bound up in my children. But my feelings have always come after my duty Miranda, the same is true of you."

Miranda was about to agree wholeheartedly when a sudden image flashed into her mind. Tall…dark hair…..strong rugged features….that irritating crooked grin.

What Samara had said would have been completely accurate up until recently, now…..well.

"Yes" she finally said not knowing what else to say, "But I never had to make such a terrible sacrifice in the name of my duty Samara. I know it's no comfort Samara but you have my deepest sympathies and respect for the way you have dealt with so much trauma and pain through life and remained so composed and strong. It shows great character."

Samara inclined her head, "Thank you Miranda. Coming from a woman with your strength I take that as a great compliment. The pain of the day that changed my life. It is a well healed wound but ever present."

"I can only imagine" replied Miranda, "How did it happen?"

"I spent my youth on the move" replied Samara, "One adventure after another. I killed people, mated with them or just danced the night away. I learned so much, experienced so much. And then my matron days came. I could finally sit back and enjoy my family. But in one moment, it was all taken away."

She looked at Miranda and her voice was full of exhaustion and sadness, "I sat in a med lab while a near sighted doctor droned at me and I learned that nothing was as I thought it would be. As you say it is impossible to convey this feeling to one who hasn't experienced it."

Miranda blinked and in her minds eyes she saw…..

A cold, sterile medlab, the smell of antiseptic…..the doctor talking to her….the studied compassionate but serious tone that medical professionals used to deliver bad news and the feeling of numbness and total desolation as the bottom dropped out of her world.

"No…no I'm sure it isn't" she managed, caught off guard for a couple of seconds before she got a grip and her practiced ice cold detachment reasserted itself.

"Well I have matters to attend to. I'm glad that you're feel able to continue our mission Samara and again I'm sorry for your loss."

Samara nodded, taking this with her usual calm and grace. She inclined her head to Miranda and then turned and headed back to face the window, lost in her own troubles.

Miranda turned and strode out of the room, heading briskly to her office. Her face a mask of cold composure, she ignored passing crewmen and focused on her office.

She made it inside, the door closed behind her and she locked it and made it to the couch, before her resolve failed and she crumpled and collapsed onto the sofa sobbing hard as the pain overwhelmed her.

A deep pain, and old pain, well healed but always there and above all a secrete pain. She couldn't tell anyone about it. Not Samara, not Kasumi, not Ori, not even James.

Especially not James.

So she lay on the couch alone and cried.

After a long and surprisingly peaceful sleep James awoke feeling much better. The horrors of Morinth's violation of his mind had not yet filtered through into his dreams. James was under no illusions, sooner or later he'd face sleepless nights as those memories re-surfaced. For now though Miranda's ministrations appeared to have worked and soothed his troubled mind.

He washed, dressed and headed down to the CIC to check the ship's operational status. Happy that everything was running well he headed down to deck three. Garrus was waiting for him, clearly having been tipped off, probably by Kelly.

"Morning sunshine, hope you enjoyed your nice long nap while the rest of us were busy working" Garrus said with a snort before stepping in closer and dropping his voice, "You alright brother" he asked.

"No" replied Shepard simply and directly, "But I will be. I just need some time to come to terms with what Morinth did to me."

"I here you" Garrus said, "Tell me what you need?"

"Right now I need to take a few minutes to relax and shoot the shit" said Shepard with a grin.

"So….beer?" asked Garrus.

"No, coffee" replied James, "And I need something to eat."

"Fair enough, let's get a sandwich" replied Garrus

They grabbed coffee and sandwidges in the mess and sat down.

"So what happened?" asked Garrus, direct and to the point.

"Short version, she climbed inside my skull and tried to tear my mind apart and made me want her to do it" replied James grimly.

"Figures Brother, the best offer you've had from a woman in years and it involves soul shredding slavery" replied Garrus with a snort. Then winced, "Sorry."

James snorted, "Do me a favour and never give up making those jokes, while your sense of humour is appalling it's at least constantly appalling and I need a little consistency in my life. Besides witch if I can't laugh at all this I don't know what I'd do."

"Tell you what I'd do, throttle the person who made these sandwidges" replied Garrus grimacing at his food.

"True enough" replied James glaring at his own sandwidge and removing a large hunk of raw onion. "I need to explain to Gardener how one cooks onions, the first pre-requisite being that you actually cook the damn thing. Onions should be fired nice and brown and crispy with garlic and a little chili powder to give it zing."

"Here we go again, Shepard's treaties on cooking" said Garrus with a snort.

"Philistine, you and Gardener, philistines the pair of you. I am a superb chef" replied James.

"Uh huh, keep dreaming" replied Garrus, "So what did Miranda say to you?"

"Honestly she was very supportive" replied James with a smile, "You know with an ice queen touch."

"Right" replied Garrus dryly, "You do know there will be a long game with her right?"

"Maybe" replied James, "But she hasn't steered us wrong yet and she's always had our back when we needed it. Besides which just because she's a stone cold badass dosen't mean she isn't a good friend."

"Well I do like that about here. About time we got another badass on the team, I was starting to feel lonely" replied Garrus with a wink.

"Screw you brother" replied Shepard with a snort.

"Right back at you" winked Garrus and they clinked mugs.

"Right" said Garrus finishing his coffee, "I have some calibrations to finish on the torpedoes."

"People are going to start talking about you and those torpedoes if you spend any more time with them" replied Shepard with a snort, "I'll leave you to it, wouldn't want to cramp your style."

As Garrus left, giving him the talon, Shepard decided he would check in with Miranda and say thank you before he went to see Samara.

Miranda was sitting at her desk when he, seemingly focused entirely on her work.

"Hey Miri" he said with a smile as the doors closed behind him.

She looked up and gave him a glare, punctuated by a raised eyebrow, "I thought you were asleep damn it."

"I was…..mostly" replied James with a smile, "Just awake enough to hear you say that."

"Oh good" replied Miranda sarcastically, but sounding a distracted.

"Are you alright?" asked Shepard.

"Fine Shepard" she replied quickly. "I spoke to Samara by the way, she seems to be doing reasonably well all things considered."

The surprise showed in Shepard's voice as he responded, "Thank you, I appreciate you taking the time for her."

"That's okay Shepard" she replied quickly, "I felt I should make sure she is operationally effective, but you should talk to her as well, you're better placed to access her state of mind."

Shepard paused and looked at her intently, "Thanks I will. Are you sure you're alright Miri" he asked.

"I'm fine Shepard, just the usual frustrations of dealing with an undisciplined crew and a semi-literate commanding officer" she replied with a rye half smile. "So nothing out of the ordinary. I'll manage I just need to focus for a while."

"You sure" asked Shepard still concerned.

"Absolutely" replied Miranda with a smile, "Now go get out of my way. Go talk to Samara."

"Alright" he said with a nod turning to leave, "I'll talk to you later."

Miranda smiled, drawing on all her skills of emotional detachment, deception and misdirection. If he hadn't still been half stunned from his own trauma with Morinth then Shepard would have been more concerned at the forced levity in her tone. He certainly would have noticed and been worried about the fact she didn't tear him a new one for calling her Miri. But as mixed up as his mind was he didn't notice and so for now at least she got away with it.

James headed to the starboard observation lounge, having first refilled his coffee. Samara was inside meditation in her usual position, the ball of biotic power dancing between her palms.

"Hi Samara, how are you" he asked softly.

Samara rose and walked over to the window out into space, "Morinth haunted my dreams and waking hours equally" she replied gesticulating expansively to the cold darkness of space outside. "How am I you ask Shepard, I am free. For the first time in four hundred years I am free. I am a ruined vessel of sorrow and regret, but I am free. It is not a feeling I can describe."

"What about Morinth?" asked James softly, "She may have been a killer but she was still your daughter."

"She was the strongest and smartest" replied Samara her voice choked with emotion, "She would not accept the injustice thrust upon her by the galaxy. She fought to the very end. I am so proud of her."

"And yet you still killed her" pointed out Shepard.

"I did and I would do so again" replied Samara, her voice becoming resolute. "But I also know what it means to leave everything behind and fight constantly just to survive. Do you realise that she went on the run at the age of forty. I do not know human years well, but that is very young for an asari."

"So in the end…..was it worth it?" asked Shepard softly.

"It was never a question of worth but of need" replied Samara turning to face him, "I had to take the action I did as did she. This was never a tale that would have a happy outcome."

"I am truly sorry there was no other way Samara" said Shepard, "Just know that you're not along in this. You can deal with this however you want, take as much time as you need. We'll be here for you if you need us."

"Thank you Shepard" replied Samara, "I am grateful to you and to Miranda for your support. I am truly glad you're here."

"Well I'm glad that things are getting taken care of without me" James said with a nod, "And that you've got past your reservations about working with Miranda and Jacob."

"Jacob is an earnest young man" replied Samara, "Event's on our mission will either mould him for greatness or break him. Miranda is a hard woman. I respect her commitment to her cause and her devotion to duty but her single mindedness is troubling yet..."

Samara paused and looked intently at him, "I sense something deeper in her. Something which has changed since I met her. I was surprised that she chose to come and speak to me and enquire as to my welfare."

"Well it is her job and as you say she's nothing if not committed to her duties" replied Shepard with a shrug, doing his best to sound casual.

Samara fixed him with a steady, unblinking look, "It is more than that Shepard. You have influenced us all but I believe her more than any other. You have bought out a side of her which I doubt even she knew existed. I for one am grateful for it. There is too much darkness in the galaxy already for a bright star to be hidden, now more than ever when we need light most."

James smiled and shook his head, "Well it's hard to argue with that Samara but the same's true for you. The Galaxy needs you and so do I."

Samara looked at him shrewdly, "Thank you Shepard, I will be faithful to your cause. May I ask you a question?"

"Of course Samara, anything" he replied.

"How did you resist Morinth. I have never heard of anyone able to resist the seductive power of an Ardat Yakshi."

James winced uncomfortably, "It wasn't easy, she was in my head and in total control, she broke down all my defences. But in the end I drew strength from the one thing which she couldn't touch. My friends and…and well yes that was enough to drag me back. I drew strength from you all. I just couldn't let you all down. That's why I need you Samara, without you all I'm nothing."

"I will be with you until the end Shepard," replied the Justicar with grim determination.

"I appreciate that but it sounds awfully fatalistic Samara. I fully intend to get this job done and bring back everyone in one piece" James said a note of concern in his voice.

"I know Shepard but my path is not a peaceful one. Weather it is now or a centaury hence when I die I will not die in bed" replied Samara serenely. She turned and headed to look back out of the window into the inky blackness of space.

"You still control the direction of your life" said James reminded her gently, not liking her fatalistic tone.

"I have chosen this path freely replied Samara still sounding serene, "Do not fear for me Shepard, this is where I am meant to be."

James decided this was his que to leave and quietly slipped away.

It took several days for Shepard to get back to a point where he felt his head was clear and he was ready to go back into action. He took his time to process what had happened.

True to their word and to form the team supported him magnificently. Miranda coped effortlessly with the additional workload and kept the ship running without troubling Shepard and everyone gave him space and time but made sure there was always someone there to talk when he needed it.

Putting aside her own burden Miranda had focused on her mission, supporting and taking care of Shepard. What she was feeling was not important, it was her job to support Shepard and ensure he succeeded, to do that he needed to be combat capable. So she threw herself whole heartedly into her task.

The first thing she did was to speak to Kelly Chambers. Squashing down her earlier anger and jealousy she summoned the young Yeoman to her office.

"You wanted to see me Ms Lawson" said Kelly, fidgeting nervously as the doors closed behind her. While she had no idea why she was aware that she had earned Miranda's ire and that was a very dangerous place to be.

"Yes Ms Chambers. You arranged to have dinner with Commander Shepard" Miranda said matter of factly.

"Well yes Operative Lawson I felt….that is I thought…..well it is my job to…."

"Of course" replied Miranda in the same tone, "Bring it forward."

"I….excuse me" asked Kelly surprised.

"Bring it forward" repeated Miranda stonily.

"I….I'm sorry I don't understand" replied Kelly.

"I'm telling you to have dinner with Commander Shepard as soon a possible, what exactly do you not understand?" asked Miranda.

"Well why….why would you….erm…why" managed Kelly lamely.

"Oh for...Commander Shepard has recently had a deeply traumatic experience which he is in the process of recovering from. You are responsible for the crews mental health. I want you to assist Commander Shepard in his recovery and I believe that can be accomplished in a relaxed and non-threatening environment such as dinner in his Cabin. Is that simple enough Ms Chambers or do I need to draw it in crayon."

Kelly shook her head quickly, "No…no Operative Lawson I understand. I'll do as you order" and she beat a hasty retreat under Miranda's withering glare.

Miranda looked down and realised her fists were clenched so tight her knuckles were white. She took a deep breath and forced herself to relax.

Her efforts though personally unpleasant bore fruit, her surveillance devices showed that Shepard had become increasingly relaxed as the evening wore on and he had the opportunity to talk to Chambers and unload some of his worries. Chambers showed her skills in helping Shepard come to terms with what he'd been through.

They talked late into the night and the next morning she even offered to feed his fish for him.

This aggravated Miranda intently.

Fortunately Shepard was smart enough to politely decline, even though this would doubtless condemn countless fish to a horrible death.

She's also thought of other less direct ways to aid Shepard. While she was in the mess talking to Kasumi she casually mentioned Kenn the Quarrian they had met the first time they had been to Omega to recruit Mordin and Garrus. She wondered aloud if Shepard had seen him again this trip.

She made sure she did so within Tali's hearing.

She knew the Quarrian would never have trusted her normally. But hearing Miranda's comments, apparently casually and without her knowledge meant Tali didn't assume she was being deceived. Instead she went straight to Shepard and asked him about Kenn.

Shepard immediately decided that he would go and check up on Kenn and taking Garrus and Tali he immediately headed out into Omega to find Kenn

This was exactly what Miranda had expected. She'd wanted Shepard to see and be reminded of one of his smaller and much more personal successes, to see the difference he made to peoples lives.

Her plan succeeded beyond her wildest hopes. Shepard returned smiling broadly and talking animatedly with the other. Miranda found out later that Kenn had been extremely grateful for Shepard's previous help and glad to see Tali.

However when Shepard had found out that all that Kenn needed was a thousand credits to purchase his ticket off Omega he immediately took matters into his own hands. He gave Kenn the thousand credits straight off of the bat and told him to get the hell off Omega.

The result was that Shepard was in a much more positive and relaxed frame of mind.

Later that day, blissfully unaware of Miranda's manipulation of everything that had happened, Shepard headed down to the port observation lounge. He wasn't alone, Garrus and Tali were both there already chatting with Kasmui, telling her about their day.

"How are you feeling Shepard" asked Tali.

"I've been better" admitted Shepard, "But I'll survive."

"You look like you need a drink" said Kasumi reaching for a bottle.

"I do, so no" replied James shaking his head, "I'll have a drink when I want it not when I need it. In the mean time till I've got my head sorted I'm sticking to coffee."

"You're the boss" replied Kasumi reaching for a coffee cup.

"Please don't encourage him, his egos big enough" said Garrus joining them.

"Hey working with you makes anyone looks good" replied Shepard.

"Keep dreaming" Garrus snorted, "You've never looked good in your life."

"Jerk" replied Shepard raising his coffee cup in salute.

They headed over to the window, lapsing into companionable silence.

James stared out of the window, sipping his coffee.

"So what's our next move" asked Garrus eventually.

"We'll I feel pissed off and in the need to reveal some stress" replied Shepard.

"Well I'd suggest you need to get laid but at this point I'm pretty sure that's a lost cause" Garrus said with a laugh.

"Oh screw you" replied Shepard.

"No way" replied Garrus holding up his hands, "I don't care how stressed you are, I'm not doing that. I love you Brother but I have my limits."

"That is a truly horrible mental image" replied James with a grimace, "As I was going to say before you butted in I need to relive some stress and I can't think of a better way than taking it out on an ancient genocidal killing machine."

Garrus smiled evilly, "Oh I like your thinking."

Shepard smiled back, "Time to go find that IFF and while we're at it if we get to turn that ancient reaper into scrap metal then so much the better."