Conspiracy Theory

The alarm clock blared loudly in Stan's room, which he now had to share with his twin sister Lily. He awoke groggily and slammed the off button. Lily looked up from her bed, blinked owlishly, and the collapsed back on the pillow. Stan smiled at the antics of his twin. She was not a morning person. He sighed sadly as he looked up at her in the top bunk bed. He couldn't believe that he had accepted to do this. To his twin sister! He pushed the thought out of his mind and slowly crept into his parent's room. They were already awake and downstairs, so no one saw him enter. He walked over to the dresser and rummaged around through the top drawer, and then pulled out what he had been looking for. He placed it in the secret inside pocket of his jacket and then walked back to their room. He gazed at Lily, who was asleep again and sighed. He stood on the ladder of the bunk bed and shook her lightly.

"Lily...get up," he said. "Come on, I said we would meet Wendy and Bebe down at the new pizza place that just opened up." Lily raised her head and stared at him.

"Why am I included in this?" she moaned sleepily. "Wendy knows that she annoys the crap out of me, and I happen to know that she doesn't like me very much, either. Bebe hates my guts since I'm going out with Cartman." Stan sighed.

"I just wanted you guys to be friends," he said, grabbing her hand and pulling her out of the bed. She fell out and they both toppled to the floor. Lily started giggling hysterically as Stan crawled out from under her.

"For the love of God, Lily, why do you have to be such a giggle maniac?" he said, brushing himself off. "Sometimes I wonder how I can be related to you..." She continued laughing, getting up and running for the closet. She grabbed her clothes and then ran over to Stan. She grabbed him by the shoulder's and gave him a big, sloppy, wet kiss right on the cheek and then ran from the room, laughing hysterically.

"You know you love me!" she called back. Stan growled and started to run after her. Lily looked back and screamed and then locked herself in the bathroom.

"Hey!" he shouted, pounding on the door. "Let me in, you bitch! That was a cheap shot!"

"Stanley, what's going on up there?" Randy called up the stairs.

"Nothing!" he and Lily both shouted at the same time. Stan put his mouth up to the keyhole.

"I'm going to kill you when you get out, bitch," he whispered. He heard some giggling and then something squirted into his mouth. Stan backed away, spitting, and Lily made her escape, running down the stairs.

"Good morning Lily-" Sharon started, but she plowed past her. Stan was close on her heels as they ran out the door.

"Ahh!" she screeched. "Someone help me!" She looked behind her. Stan was gaining. She turned back around, desperately trying to find somewhere to hide, when she ran into something. She looked up and a smile grew on her face. It was Cartman! She leapt behind him.

"Save me!" she shouted. Cartman looked around right as Stan plowed into the two of them, knocking them all down.

"Ahh!" Lily cried. "Cartman, get off, you're crushing me!" Stan held Cartman down.

"No, you stay right there," he said. "I don't want Lily going anywhere!"

"No, Cartman, get up, please," she said. "Stan is going to kick my ass!" She struggled madly underneath him. Stan shot Cartman an evil glare.

"If you even think about getting up, Cartman," he said. "I'll do more then hurt Lily...I'll kill her!" Cartman stayed where he was. Lily gasped.

" wouldn't!" she cried. "I'm your sister!" Stan shrugged.

"So?" he asked indifferently. He got down right in her face. She stared at him, her eyes wide with shock. She had never seen Stan this mad at her before.

"Lily," he said, his voice deceptively calm. "What the fuck did you squirt into my mouth?" Lily closed her eyes tightly, struggling. She shook her head. Stan grabbed her by the shoulders and yanked her out from underneath Cartman. He tossed her impassively onto the ground and then knelt on her throat.

"What was it, Lily?" he asked, his voice deadly. Even in her perilous state, Lily had enough confidence that her twin wouldn't kill her, so she managed a giggle.

"I spat in your mouth-ack!" Stan leaned down all the way. He had a crazy look in his eyes. Lily was honestly afraid now. Stan looked like he had gone crazy.

"I'm so sick of you," he said. He pressed down as hard as he could on her neck. "Ever since you came to South Park, Lily, my life has been a living hell. Mom and Dad have paid way more attention to you then to me and Shelley doesn't beat the shit out of you. Even Sparky sleeps with you at night instead of me!"

"Uh...Stan, you need to chill out dude," Cartman interrupted. "She's your sister, not some slut on the streets-"

"Shut up!" Stan cried, and pulled out what he had taken from his dad's room that morning. He stood up and aimed it at Cartman. Lily gasped, rubbing her throat.

"Stan!" she cried. "You stole Dad's gun!" Stan chuckled insanely as he leveled the gun at Cartman.

"First," he said. "I'm going to get rid of you, so you can't help your little girlfriend out. And then, I'm going to kill her, too!" Stan slowly started to apply pressure to the trigger. Cartman stood there, frozen in fear. He saw something run in front of him just as the gun fired.

"No!" Lily shouted. The bullet hit her in the chest and she crumpled to the ground. Cartman stared between her and Stan, horrified. Stan lowered the gun, staring at it in shock.

"Lily!" Cartman shouted. He got down on the ground next to her. She was conscious and her eyes were filled with tears. She stared up at him, totally defeated. Cartman looked up at Stan, who was staring down at the gun.

"Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?" Cartman cried. "You just shot Lily!" Stan dropped the gun to the pavement, and then started to back up, staring at the pitiful scene. Lily had taken her mitten and placed it over the wound, trying to stop the blood. She was weak, her breath coming in shallow gasps.

"Jesus, Lily, why did you have to do that..." Cartman said softly, rubbing a gloved hand down her face. "You saved my life..." Lily stared up at him, her eyes wide with pain.

"I couldn't let him hurt you," she said, barely audible. "This is between me and Stan and I couldn't let you get involved..." She sighed, the tears coming fast now.

"Why did he do this to me?" she asked. "I've never done anything to divert the attention in the house from him to me. It must be something else." She coughed a little and then grabbed Cartman's hand.

"Help me," she said. "I don't want to die right now..." Cartman nodded his head, trying reason something with his brain, which thought way slower then the speed of light. He looked up and down the road and was relieved to see someone coming their way. He got a closer look and saw that it was Kyle.

"KYLE!" he yelled. Kyle started to run over.

"What?" he yelled as he was coming.

"Get over here, hurry!" Kyle ran faster and arrived in front of them, panting and out of breath, thirty seconds later. He saw what happened to Lily and gasped.

"Jesus, Cartman, what the fuck happened?" he asked. Cartman shook his head.

"No time now!" he shouted. "Go call 911. I'll stay here with Lily until the ambulance comes." Kyle ran off as fast as he could for his house. He gathered Lily up and placed her upper body in his lap and put his arms around her. She felt strangely limp and lifeless, as if it was more then the physical wound that had hurt her.

"Why would Stan do this to me?" Lily said weakly, losing strength. "Why would he hurt me; I thought he loved me..." She closed her eyes, fading into unconsciousness. She forced her eyes open and looked up at Cartman.

"Stay with me," she said. "Please, don't leave me here..." She slipped off then, and Cartman ran his fingers through her soft, wispy, blonde hair.

"I'll be here, Lily," he whispered. "You just have to stay alive." He could hear the wail of the sirens in the distance as Kyle came running back.

"Dude, Cartman, what happened?" he asked. Cartman shook his head.

"I...I can't tell you right now, Kyle," he said. "Maybe later when we're at the hospital." The ambulance pulled up then, taking Lily from Cartman and placing her on a stretcher. They put an oxygen mask on her and rolled her in. Cartman and Kyle followed, and they drove off towards Hell's Pass.


Stan heard the ambulance whiz pass him, the sirens blaring. The lights cast themselves upon him for a second, and then it was gone and he could hear the Doppler effect as it sped away. He knew Lily was inside that ambulance, probably bleeding to death. He lowered his head and cried bitterly. Why hadn't he fought them off? Why had he let them do this to him? His thoughts went back to when Wendy and Bebe had confronted him...


"Stan!" Wendy called. "Stan, can you come over here for a second?" Stan smiled and waved.
"Sure," he said. "Just let me give the ball to Lily so she can pitch it." He walked over to his twin and gave her the ball.

"Here, you pitch," he said. "I gotta go talk to Wendy." Lily rolled her eyes.

"Jesus, I can't stand her," she said.

"Come on, hoe, pitch the damn ball!" Cartman yelled from the plate. Lily gave him the finger and turned back to Stan. She saw the look he gave her and she sighed.

"I know how much she means to you, but ever since she and her little groups of friends found out that I liked Cartman, they've hated my guts. I have no respect for her," she said. Stan punched her lightly in the arm.

"Just shut the fuck up and pitch the ball!" he cried as he walked off. Lily grinned and wound up. She threw it as hard as she could and almost beaned Cartman in the head. He ducked just in time, and Stan could hear him cursing up a storm as he walked towards where Wendy was standing. He smiled and shook his head. His sister sure had a way with people. He smiled as he stood next to Wendy.

"Hey," he said. She placed her hand over his mouth and dragged him off into the bushes surrounding the playground. Bebe was waiting there.

"You don't say a word," Wendy said. "Bebe and I just heard that the Miss Third Grader pageant was going to be held in a week's time. We knew that we would be sure to win, as we have every year, but this year, we have some competition. Bebe?"

"Lily," Bebe said maliciously. "We can't have her in the pageant, because she will win! All the guys like her now instead of us." She walked over and grabbed Stan by the throat, lifting him off the ground.

"You're the closet one to her Stan, with her being your...twin and all," she said the word twin like it was a disease. "You've got to get rid of her!" Stan stared at them, shocked.

"Are you out of your fucking minds?" he cried. "I can't get rid of her! My parent's would kill me! And besides, I like Lily!" Bebe tightened her grip on his throat, and then Wendy came over holding something.

It was a juicer. She grinned evilly as she held it to where Stan's balls were.

"Okay," she said deadly. "I can make the decision really simple for you. Either you kill your twin sister..." She pushed the juicer against his nuts and he cringed.

"Or you lose your trouser trout," she said. Stan lowered his head, defeated.

"All right," he cried. "All right, I'll do it!" Wendy smiled and put the juicer away. She chuckled and Bebe put him down.

"I knew you would see it our way," she said sweetly. "Now, this is what you must do..."

(End Flashback)

Stan sat down on the curve, hot tears of rage falling out of his eyes. He should have never let them do that to him, ever! He looked down at his watch, wiping the tears from his eyes. It was almost noon. Wendy and Bebe said that he was supposed to meet them at the new pizza place then. He got up and started walking again.

"I'm sorry, Lily," he whispered. "I never...ever wanted to hurt you..." He walked the rest of the way in silence, thinking about what he had done. Before he knew it, he was at the door of the pizza restaurant. There was sign with a big menorah painted on it that read: Sheila's Place: Jewish Pizza. Stan shook his head. He pondered what Jewish pizza could be as he walked into the shop. He saw Bebe and Wendy immediately and made a beeline for them. He sat down at the table, hoping that they wouldn't be able to tell that he had cried. Luck was with him.

"Did you do it?" Wendy asked immediately. Stan nodded his head, his heart feeling like she had taken a sledgehammer to it.

"Yes, but I'm not sure if she's dead," he replied. "Cartman was there, and he..." Bebe shook with rage and pointed and accusatory finger at him.

"You're not sure if you killed her?" she exclaimed. "And what does that fat shit have to do with any of this?" She banged her fist on the table and leaned over in a secretive manner.

"This was supposed to go smoothly, Stan," she said. "You fucked this up!" Wendy intervened then.

"No, this isn't necessarily bad," she said soothingly to Bebe. "As long as the stupid bitch isn't at school, then she can't be nominated! So, not all is lost." She stared at Stan.

"You just make sure that she's not in school," she said hotly. "Or else I'll make you beg that you were never born..." Her and Bebe got up then and walked out the door. Stan got up also and started walking towards Hell's Pass. He had to tell Lily what really happened. If she wasn't dead, he reminded himself. He heard something walking at his side and looked over. It was Sparky. He leaned down and patted the dog's head, sighing.

"Oh Sparky, what have I done?" he asked. "I've just probably murdered the only person in my family who I give a rat's ass about." He sat down on the curb and placed his head in his hands.

"I don't know what I'm going to do," he said. "I'll shoot myself if she's dead..." He buried his face in Sparky's fur and cried. He rubbed his hand through his ears.

"But you still like me, right Spark?" he asked. The dog licked his face and wagged his tail. Stan gave him a little smile and hugged him.

"All right, we've got to get to the hospital," he said. He looked over at Kyle's house as he past and saw his menorah in the window. Ike was climbing on it. He sighed and kept walking. He had his sister to see.


Cartman had explained all of what happened to Kyle while they were waiting for word on Lily's condition. Kyle was thoughtful and silent as he told him the story. When Cartman was done, Kyle just stared straight ahead, not speaking. After a few minutes, he shook his head.

"Stan wouldn't do something like that," he said softly. "He thinks the world of Lily! They're more of friends then they are brother and sister. He wouldn't do something like this unless he was pressured to, I know it!" Cartman shrugged, his eyes hard.

"I don't care why he did it," he said, his voice hard. "All I know is that if she dies, then his ass, balls, brain, body and everything else, are mine."

"Huh? You're gay, Cartman?" Kenny walked into the room. "I heard a gunshot, and I was wondering what happened. Why are you guys here?"

"Stan shot Lily," Cartman said. Kenny's eyes widened.

"Wait a minute, back up," he said. "Did I just hear what I thought you said? That Stan Marsh, who would eat an eight-foot high pile of horse shit for his sister, just shot her?" Kyle nodded.

"You heard him right," he said. "But I don't believe he would have done something like that without someone holding a gun to his head."

"Or a hammer to his nuts," Kenny said. He sat down on the bench with the other two. "Do you know how she's doing?" Cartman shook his head.

"They haven't given any word about her condition yet," he said. "We've been waiting here for a fucking hour-"

Right then, two things happened. A doctor came out, holding a clipboard, and Stan walked in through the door.

"How is she?" all four boys asked simultaneously. Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman all turned to stare at Stan.

"Why are you here?" Cartman asked. "You're the one who-"

"Boys, do you want to know how your friend's doing or not?" the doctor said. All four boys turned towards him, immediately silent. The doctor nodded.

"All right then," he said. "Well, we had to operate on her to get the bullet out of her chest, and that was pretty straightforward. She's doing fine now and she's resting if you all want to go see her..."

The four boys leapt up and ran down the hall.

"It's room 487!" he called after them. "Fourth floor!" They all crammed themselves into the elevator and Cartman maddeningly hit the 'four' button.

"Come on you mother fucking piece of shit, go!" he cried. "Get moving, you big tin piece of-"

"Yelling at it isn't going to get us anywhere," Kenny said. "Anyway, we're moving." All of their eyes turned and met with Stan's. He sighed and leaned against the wall.

"Well?" Kyle said.

"Why?" Kenny asked.

"I should kill you for that," Cartman said, raising his fist. Stan lowered his head and a few tears slipped out.

"I didn't want to do it," he whispered. "I never wanted to hurt her, she's my sister!"

"What made you do it, Stan?" Kyle asked gently. Stan didn't seem to hear him as the elevator door opened.

"I never wanted to do it," he repeated. "Never..." They came to the door marked '487' and walked in. Lily was lying there, her eyes closed. They couldn't tell if she was just resting or sleeping.

"Shh," Cartman said. "We don't want to wake her up if she's asleep." They all nodded and sat down by her bed. Cartman reached for her hand and found it.

"Hey Lily," he said. "It's me, Cartman." He felt her squeeze his hand as she opened her eyes.

"Hey," she said, her voice barely above a whisper. "I was right about to go to sleep, too..." She gave him a little smile. Cartman sighed in relief. She looked around the room.

"Hey Kyle," she said. "Hey Kenny, hey..." Her eyes lit up when she saw Stan.

"Stan!" she cried, and then she remembered why she was there. Her eye's lost their happy glow and she looked down sadly. Stan sighed.

"Lily...I never wanted to do that to you," he said. "Wendy and Bebe said that if I didn't try to kill you they'd put my nuts in a juicer." All of them couldn't help snickering at that.

"Wow, that's sounds painful," Kenny said. "Tell Wendy I said she can stay away from me!"

"Me too!" Kyle said. "Ouch!" Stan grabbed onto Lily's other hand.

"Lily, you know I care about you more then anything, right?" he said. Lily thought, and then nodded.

"Yeah," she said softly. "I know, Stan. That's why I was so confused..." Stan leaned over and hugged her tightly.

"I'm so sorry, sis," he said. "Whatever I can do to make it up to you, you got it." Lily smiled through her tears.

"Anything?" she said.

"Anything, Lily," he said. Lily's grin grew wider.

"Well, I would like..."

(To be continued...)