Written from the perspective of Weiss Schnee
Summary : In order to get a certain blonde idiot to stop pestering her for a date, Weiss offers to teach Jaune Arc some of the finer points of writing a love letter.
"Jaune Arc, you have a problem and I, Weiss Schnee, am the solution."
"You are?" He looked at me confused. I had asked him to come with me to the library for a private chat where I was to explain to him my brilliant plan. "Wait a sec. What's my problem again?"
This was going to be a long day.
For the past week, Jaune found creative, and unbelievably embarrassing, ways to proposition me for a date. He wrote a song and sang it out in the courtyard with Ren on bass and Nora on drums. He himself had lead guitar but no idea how to play it. Then there was the cake that said 'Will you-" because Ruby had eaten half of it by the time I got to read it. His most recent attempt involved spelling out my name with a pack trained monkeys that ended up hurling feces at anyone and everyone in the gymnasium.
It was getting just a tidy-tiny bit out of hand.
If I am to enjoy the rest of my school life here at Beacon free of Jaune Arc, he must cease his unwanted and absolutely-destined-to-fail advances on me. But shooting him is ineffective; the oaf only comes back more determined. No, if I were to be free of him, I'd need to give him good reason to cease asking me out.
So what better way than to get Jaune Arc a girlfriend?
The idea came to me in a wave when I opened my locker. A flood of love letters professing their undying love for Weiss Schnee in a variety of pink, white, and red envelopes. Each saying smutty things and showed absolutely no decency and respect towards a lady.
But as I picked up the letters to toss into the incinerator, I realized the answer was in my hands.
If Jaune Arc could woo a girl with a love letter then he'll stop asking me out!
"You want me to write a love letter to Pyrrha?"
"Of course. She likes you after all."
The look of utter surprise on his face spoke volumes of his ignorance.
"So what I need you to do is simple." I took out flowery stationary, a nice pen, and a lovely envelope I picked out myself from the Beacon Gift Shop. Laying it all before him, I instructed, "you are to write a love letter to her and I assure you she will go out with you."
He stared at the items before him.
"Weiss… There's just one problem."
"What is it?"
"I've never written a letter before. I don't even think I could write a love letter."
Are you joking me?
"W-what about that song you wrote about me in the courtyard!?"
"Ren wrote it. He's a fantastic writer by the way."
I looked at him in disbelief.
"Okay. This is okay," I said aloud. This wasn't okay. This wasn't okay at all! "The answer to this problem is simple: you must practice writing a love letter. Yes! Practice. Practice. Practice!"
Jaune tilted his head.
"No idea where to start."
"It's fine! Because you have me! I've read literally thousands of love letters! And I've been to countless marriage interviews from buffoons to prince charmings. I know all there is about wooing a lady's heart." With a pound of my fist on my chest I proclaimed, "I will be your Love Letter Writing Coach!"
"Thanks? I think?" Jaune looked down at the stationary before him. "So I'm guessing I'll start off with a 'Dear Pyrrha'..."
"What? Isn't that how letters are supposed to start?" The sheer ignorance of this babbling buffoon was beginning to irritate me to no end. Taking a seat beside him on the library table, I explained to him why he was wrong.
"Oh you poor unrefined fool. This is a love letter. A love letter. Keyword being: love. You don't show any love by addressing someone as 'Dear So-and-So'. If you want to impress then you need to treat her like a woman! Seduce her from the very first words!" The stupidity of the self-proclaimed-male beside me was destroying my understanding of reality.
"Okay. How do I do that?" Jaune looked at his paper intently. "Do I write 'Dear Miss Nikos'?"
"Does Pyrrha look like a grandmother to you? Address her by her first name!"
Jaune slammed his forehead onto the table.
"Just kill me, Weiss."
"Gladly but I don't believe the Schnee Dust Company has enough money to get me off the hook for murdering a classmate, as much as I'd like to." Lawyers are expensive after all.
"What about this?" Jaune wrote down something on the paper. "Here, read it and weep!"
I read the line.
"Well I read and I am weeping…"
Oh good dusty heavens to donkey oats. This is so bad. What he wrote was insulting and demeaning and showed no tact at all for a lady. It was so bad I smacked Jaune once over the head with a spare book laying around on the table.
"Does Pyrrha look like someone who would be flattered being addressed as 'Cutie Redhead'? Do you think girls like being told 'you'd look great with my arm around your shoulders'? Blah! You sexist pig!"
"I don't know! Maybe?" Jaune twiddled his thumbs. "I'm just thinking about what my dad told me about women. What girls want is confidence right? You know, like they enjoy being treated like… girls! Yeah… Uh? Weiss…? Can you please stop glaring at me…"
My fury could not be quelled.
I took in a deep breath.
"You are an infuriating, worthless, sexist idiot who could not formulate a coherent response if your life depended on it. You are the absolute definition of a waste of human flesh and dust. You could not court me or any other girl during the course of your miserable, pathetic life even if you had my wealth and were the last male on this planet. I did my best to help you but now I have realized the error of my ways. So please, just leave me alone."
Saying that in a voice as calm as I could managed, I rose from my seat and left the library.
I didn't look back to see what kind of face Jaune was making.
But I heard crying.
Later that night, I sat in my room, staring at the wall. I wondered what would be the next antic that maniac Jaune would pull. Or maybe he would take me seriously and leave me alone.
Either way, I stopped caring.
The idiot was hopeless.
The next day, I heard nothing from Jaune. He didn't acknowledge me. I didn't acknowledge him. He chose to sit alone at lunch away from our group and during class he chose seats farthest from me. So all in all, Jaune did leave me alone.
So I guess my plan did work.
And I certainly didn't feel bad about it. Why should I? It was his fault, the deplorable pig.
For the next few days, there was nothing out of the ordinary. Jaune kept his distance and so did I. The others were curious, of course, but who cares? It was his fault and by and far, he admitted it himself when the others went to ask him about it.
Pyrrha also stopped eating with us at lunch.
She sat next to Jaune. From what I could see, she did all the talking. Jaune just sat silently and moped around about whatever it was that was still bugging him. Why couldn't he just get over it already?
About a week later, I happened to cross Pyrrha and Jaune in the halls.
They were walking arm in arm. Pyrrha was smiling and joking. So was Jaune. Pyrrha said her hello and Jaune smiled at me.
I waved and nodded.
When I turned back, I saw Pyrrha leaned in and give Jaune a peck on the cheek.
Jaune returned the favor.
On the lips.
They seem so happy. Good for them.
But It made me angry. I'm not sure why.
At least I knew my plan was a complete success.
Why am I the loneliest of them all?
Love Letter Fin
This went a lot darker than I originally intended. But I must face the reality that the Weiss and Jaune ship keeps burning in harbor. Why can't it sail? Why? IS IT SO WRONG FOR THAT SHIP TO SAIL?