Sailor Ranko - Just Add Water: Chapter 1 Slippery when wet

The ongoing saga of "Sailor Ranko", set after "Sailor Ranko: Tunnel Vision"

Based on "Sailor Ranko" by Fire and "Twice in a Millennium" by Kevin D. Hammel and acknowledging "Black Moon - Eclipse of the Sun" by Arthur Hansen
By Bill Heineman

I don't own these characters. Please don't sue me, kill me or sell me to the gypsies.


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The story so far...

A long time ago in a district of Tokyo far far away. A boy's life was turned into a living hell by his well meaning but idiotic father. He was dipped into a cursed Chinese spring that changed him into a girl when splashed with cold water. Hot water would change him back into a man. After several years of torture otherwise known as life in Nerima, he was sent away with his prearranged fiance to Juuban for four months where 'she' was recruited by the Sailor Scouts and became Sailor Sun. Since his life was not already ruined enough, they recruited his bride Akane and made her Sailor Io. So, we have the 'husband' and wife team of Sailor Sun and Io, and you thought Sailor Neptune and Uranus were weird.

The boy's friends have also suffered from his presence. Ryoga got married to Akari Unryuu and was having a difficult time dealing with the fact that he should be happy and content with his life. Wanderlust was calling him collect. Shampoo thought that Mousse beat her up so that now she had two men to torment into marriage. She refused to declare acceptance of Mousse as her husband because she still wanted the boy of our tale. This of course frustrated Mousse to no end. Ukyou and Konatsu found about our boy's secret identity and wanted to sign up as Senshi at the next recruitment drive.

Who was this boy you ask? The boy was Ranma Saotome, heir to the "Anything Goes School of Martial Arts", part time Ranko, part time Sailor Sun, part time target of someone's wrath. Pity him.

We return you to our regularly scheduled programming.


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Ranma sighed for the third time. He sat in the little dining room table of his Juuban apartment clutching the letter he got from Juuban High School. Akane just shook her head. "You know Ranma, the note you got from Dr. Tofu was going to be questioned sooner or later. C'mon, did you think that a 'Back Problem' was an excuse they would buy forever?"

Ranma knew what this meant. He was going to have to attend gym classes. As a martial artist, he would have welcomed anything that would have allowed him to train and maintain his body. But his curse had a dark side and he wanted to avoid the problems he had while at Furinkan. "Well, I'm getting an exam from the school nurse today. If I pass, I will be in gym shorts in the afternoon."

Akane grinned and pulled out a pair of red girl's shorts, "Do you want me to pack your clothes?"

Ranma closed his eyes and contemplated what mayhem this was going to cause. He was not looking forward to going to school today or ever again. He had so far kept his curse a secret to his new school, but now it was only a matter of days before everyone knew about his little problem. Ranma took the crumpled up note from school and smoothed it out and folded it neatly. He placed it in his backpack with two sets of gym clothes, one male and one female. He trudged out the door to another fun filled day at Juuban High School.


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"Mr. Saotome! Please come in here." The school nurse called Ranma into the little nursing station. Ranma earlier in the day was trying out different ways to intentionally throw out his back, dislocate his shoulder or annoy Akane to beat him senseless. He wanted to fail this exam.

The nurse took one look at Ranma and knew that the note from Dr. Tofu must have been a misunderstanding. Ranma was a prime specimen of maleness. His chest was solid muscle and his arms were fully defined. He had no trace of fat on him and looked like he could take on Rambo without trying. The nurse wondered why a person like this would want to be excused from gym class. "Please remove your shirt." She pulled out a stethoscope to listen to his heart.

The nurse had to resist wanting to run off with Ranma right then and there. She saw his bare chest and wanted to bury herself in it. She calmed down a bit and held the stethoscope against his ribs listening to his lungs. "Inhale. Exhale." Lungs were fine, heart rate was low but that was because he was in prime physical condition. She examined his back and it was flawless.

She looked at his head and saw his ears were pierced. "Do you wear earrings regularly Mr. Saotome?"

Ranma shot a glance at the nurse. He was shocked at the question. "No."

"I noticed you have pierced ears. If you do wear an earring, make sure you keep it sanitized to prevent an infection. Men tend to forget that."

"Huh? But I never pierced my ears." Ranma touched his earlobes and felt the tiny holes. He thought, "How did that happen? Oh, right, when I'm Sailor Sun, I have earrings. Oh man, what other side effects are there?"

The nurse nodded her head. She wondered how could he not have known his ears were pierced. "I also see there is an error in your file. It says you have a scar on your left arm." She pointed at his perfect skin on his arm. "Do you have a scar somewhere else?"

Ranma looked at his arm to see the scar he got from his battle with Herb. It wasn't there. There was no trace of injury on any part of his body. He flexed his muscles, "I guess it healed."

"I guess it wasn't a scar then." She had seen enough. "Ranma please put your shirt back on." She looked at his student record and sighed when she saw that it was marked that he was a married man. Darn.

"I'm clearing you for gym class. Instead of study hall, please report to the gymnasium." She made some marks in his student record. "It appears that you have fully recovered from your back problem." She handed him a hall pass.

Ranma gave a deep sigh; he left the nurse's office to get back to class. He thought about jumping off the roof to snap his spine. He thought about Akane cooking something for him and eating it. He wanted to do anything to avoid gym class.


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Rei, Makoto, Minako, Akane and Ranma met at lunchtime at the usual tree in the courtyard. Usagi was late as usual.

Rei sighed, "My grandfather wants me to transfer back to T*A Private Girls' School."

Makoto gave a look of sadness, "Do you have to go?"

Rei slowly chewed on her apple and swallowed, "I don't know. He really wants to send me back. I'm trying to convince him that I should stay here. It was hard enough to get him to let me join you girls here in the first place."

Ranma glared at Rei, "Watch who you're calling a girl!"

Rei giggled, produced a cup of water and held it in a threatening manner. Ranma backed off. Rei changed the subject, "Ranma, why would you want to ditch gym class?" She took a final bite of her lunch and washed it down with cold water.

Minako chimed in, "Someone with your skill would make a great addition to our volleyball team! You should sign up."

Ranma groaned. He fell onto the grass, "Minako, you are on the girl's volleyball team."

Minako smiled, "So?"

Rei took her water and splashed Ranma's face with it. "There, now you can join the volleyball team." The girls gave out a small laugh. Minako glowed at the thought of Ranko playing at her side.

Ranko was not happy. She blinked her eyes and stared at the cloudy sky. "Why couldn't it last?" She just stared aimlessly at the clouds above.

Akane knew what was troubling her. "Rei, could you get some hot water for Ranma. He really needs to change back before class starts."

Rei shrugged, "Sure, but why the secrecy? This isn't something you can hide forever. What if it rained?" Rei got up with her cup to go to the ladies room. She glanced over her shoulder at the sighing Ranko and briskly walked to fetch the hot water.

Minako slid over to Ranko. She noticed a small tear was welling up in her eye. "What's wrong Ranko?"

Ranko blinked her eyes to absorb the tear. "You'd never understand." Ranko got up and followed Rei to the ladies room. She caught up with Rei, snatched the cup from her and ran straight to the men's restroom. Ranko stopped just a moment before embarrassing herself and switched to the ladies' restroom.

Rei blinked and smiled. She turned and sat back down with the assembled group.

Usagi ran up with her lunch. "Hi there! Whoops!" She tripped on a tree root. Usagi's lunch went airborne and Akane instinctively caught it. Usagi hit the dirt with a thud and grimed up the front of her school uniform. "Oh, mom is going to be mad at me!"

Akane handed Usagi back her lunch. Usagi was happy it wasn't ruined. She started to wolf down her food in record time.

"What's wrong with Ranma?" Makoto asked Akane.

Akane stared at the grass. "Have you thought about what life is like for Ranma with that curse of his?"

Ranko gave out a scream from inside the ladies' restroom. "WHAT!? IT'S BROKEN!" She bolted from the restroom and ran to the cafeteria.

Minako saw where Ranko was going, "I guess the hot water isn't working in the restroom."

Ranko got to the cafeteria and cried out, "I need some hot water! Can I get some?"

The attendant looked at Ranko with fear. This redhead was psychotic, "We're closed." Ranko stomped the ground and threw her cup down. "ARGH!" She took a few deep breaths and slowly spoke with an air of defeat, "I guess it's time to face the music." Ranko walked off to class holding her head down with excitement of a woman walking toward a guillotine.

Akane held back the other girls. "Rei, you should be ashamed of yourself."

Rei watched Ranko walk slowly away. "I know, I'm sorry. I didn't know that the hot water wasn't working in the restroom. It's not that big a deal is it?"

Akane was flustered, "Yes it is! We had to keep it a secret because of what happened at Furinkan."

Usagi wanted to hear gossip, "What happened?"

Akane kept her eyes on Ranko as she walked away. The peanut gallery wanted to hear the tale. "Once we thought like you do now. We didn't think his curse was that big of a problem. However at Furinkan, we kept the secret for a while until a Gymnastics competition where Ranko was competing in my place. She announced her name as Ranma to everyone. She thought she didn't want to hide her curse anymore since it was so much trouble to keep it a secret. We didn't have a clue of the repercussions. After that everyone at school knew about her curse. Well, then the problems started."

Usagi slid next to Akane, "Go on."

Akane thought about why she hated boys in general, "Well, the boys at Furinkan were perverts. When Ranma had to take his shower at the end of gym class. He had to disrobe and go to the bathing stalls. Now, since the showers were hot, there wasn't any problem. But when you have a room full of naked male perverts who only had to shut off the hot water and switch it to cold to get an instant naked girl... Well..."

The other girls froze at that though, "Oh..."

Akane turned to face them, "It doesn't end there. The pervert squad would lay in wait trying to use squirt guns or garden hoses to get a free wet t-shirt view of Ranko. Since she doesn't wear a bra as a guy, you can just imagine what that looked like. Ranma for years tried everything he could to get rid of his curse just so he could try to lead a normal life."

Akane leaned face first into her hands with her elbows on her knees for support. She felt sadness for her husband. She lowered her voice so only the present company could hear her, "Did you ever wonder why Ranma didn't want to join the Sailor Scouts? When he committed to the team, he had to pay a huge price. He can never be cured or we lose a teammate." Akane closed her eyes and felt empathy for her husband's feelings. "I hope you can understand what Ranma sacrificed to join the scouts."

The other girls finally realized why Ranma was so hesitant to join the Sailor Scouts. Usagi looked at the ground, "I never thought of it that way."

Akane just stared at the grass. "If he finds a cure and stays a man, he loses Sailor Sun. If he stays a woman..." Akane felt a tear in her eye, "He can't give me our child." She took a deep breath, "to have both, he has to be tormented by the random sex changes and the pervert squad for the rest of his life."

There was a collective gasp from the rest for the girls.

Akane brushed herself off and stood up. She looked down at the group. She positioned her hand to grab her henshin stick from subspace but didn't produce it. "Some secrets can be kept forever." She turned to Ranko, "Others can't. Now that his secret will be out, it's going to be just like Furinkan again." Akane sighed and walked to class.

The girls gulped. Minako and Rei shot guilty glances at each other and felt sorry for what they had said earlier.


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The teacher noticed something funny about Ranma. His hair was red and he seemed shorter somehow. He walked over to his desk and saw that the person sitting there was not Ranma Saotome. "Miss, you appear to be in the wrong classroom."

Ranko looked up at the teacher. She sagged down not looking forward to saying what she had to say. "I am in the right class teacher."

"Miss, that is Ranma's seat. You are not one of my students. Please go to your proper classroom." The teacher pointed toward the door. Usagi and Akane looked at Ranko with hurt looks in their eyes.

"Teacher, I am Ranma Saotome. I was hit with cold water and I change into a girl. I have a Chinese curse." She braced for impact.

The teacher had heard of dozens of excuses before, but nothing like this. He gave out a small laugh, "You expect me to believe that? What is your name and what classroom are you from?"

"I already told you, my name is Ranma Saotome. My wife is sitting over there." She pointed to Akane. Akane gave a stunned look on her face as the class gasped at the thought of a girl pointing out another girl as her wife.

The teacher rubbed his temples, "Miss, you will be reporting to the principal's office if you don't stop this nonsense. Now, for the last time, what is your name?"

"Fine! My name is little red riding hood! I'm hiding from the big bad wolf!" She crossed her arms and her face went flush with anger.

"That's it!" He turned to Akane, "Akane, please escort this troublemaker to the principal's office." He stormed off to his desk and filled out a hall pass. Akane stood up and held out her hand to Ranko. Ranko didn't get up. She stayed at her desk.

The teacher handed the hall pass to Akane and shot a look of disapproval to Ranko. "Miss, please leave my classroom!" He turned to Akane, "Akane, find your husband and get him in here or he will be given a detention alongside this troublemaker."

Akane started twitching her eyebrows, "That troublemaker is my HUSBAND!"

He looked at Ranko and back to Akane. "What sort of joke is this? It is not funny and it's very disrespectful. Why are you trying to pass this off as some sort of excuse for Ranma to miss this class?"

Ranko stood up, "We have magical girls running around town blowing up youma and you can't accept the fact that I have a curse that changes me into THIS!"

Akane looked around the classroom for any water that was hot. She saw a cup of tea on the teacher's desk. She walked around the teacher to get the tea. "Mrs. Saotome, where are you going?"

Akane grabbed the tea and felt the cup. It was iced tea. "Er..." She turned around to the teacher, "I need hot water to change him back."

"You can change her into anything you want to Akane, in the principal's office." He pointed to the door and glared at Ranko. "Now both of you, OUT!"

Ranko grumbled and grabbed her books and trudged out the door. Akane stared at the teacher with the look of 'I'll get you for this'. The two girls left.

Usagi gave out a pitiful sigh. Deep inside she knew what responsibilities she had for being Sailor Moon. She truly felt honored that Ranma would go to such lengths to be one of her warriors. She just didn't know what to do for her right now.


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"Sorry I got you involved." Ranko sat in the reception room of the principal's office.

Akane smirked; she was holding two large cups of water, one hot and one cold for their meeting with the principal. "Wanna bet he faints? Or will he start pouring water on you ten times like Ukyou did when she found out?"

Ranko gazed at the ceiling, "You'd think with all the youma and the Senshi running around, that they would be more open minded about these things."

"Mrs. Saotome and Miss... Saotome?" The secretary called them to the office and held the door open for them. Akane gave a little bow and went in with her water. Ranko followed waiting to be treated like a freak show.

"Please have a seat." The principal gestured to the two girls to sit down. "Now, I understand that you are claiming to be Ranma. Is that your name?"

Akane put the hot water cup over Ranko's head. "She has a curse. Watch." She poured a little water and she changed to Ranma.

Ranma gave his well-practiced line, "Sorry about that."

The principal dropped his jaw. "Your hair just changed color and you... Uh..."

Akane poured a little cold water on Ranma and he changed to Ranko. Ranko wiped some of the water off of her brow.

"How is this possible?"

Akane poured the hot water again. Ranma turned to Akane, "Please stop that." He turned to the principal, "I have a Jusenkyo curse. Hot water, I'm a guy. Cold water, I'm a girl. Any questions?"

The principal picked up the phone and called the records office, "Please give me the student file on Ranma Saotome." He hung up and went over to Akane. "Which cup changes him into a girl?" Akane handed him the cold-water cup. He stared at Ranma and poured the entire cup on him. He witnessed the transformation up close to make sure it wasn't some sort of trick. "Well, I'll be!"

"Now you know. Can we keep this a secret?" Ranko pleaded.

Akane bent over to whisper in her ear, "I think it's too late for that." Ranko sank in her chair.

The secretary came in with a very thick file and handed it to the principal. She turned to leave and stopped to notice the large puddle of water under Ranko. "Mrs. Hayashi, please have the janitor come by to clean that up. Oh, and I'm sending these two back to class, please make hall passes for them."

Akane poured the hot water and got Ranma back. Ranma asked, "Can I be excused from gym class?"

The principal looked up from the file he was reading, "Why?"

Ranma gave a blank expression, "Uh... Do I use the boy's shower or the girl's shower?"

"Oh, you've got a point. What did they do at..." He looked down at the file, "Furinkan High School about this?"

"I had to wait until all the men were done taking showers and then I was able to take mine in private."

"I see. I'll have to discuss this your former principal at Furinkan and your gym teacher. Now, please go back to class."

Ranma and Akane shrugged and left. The principal leafed through Ranma's school records and found a long history of vandalism, fights, and just plain mayhem. Nothing was mentioned about a spontaneous sex change. He picked up the phone and made some calls.


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Ranma was sitting back in his seat in class. The other students were whispering to each other noticing how Ranko and Ranma looked alike. Ranma thought, "By this time tomorrow, I'll be ducking water balloons and squirt guns."

The teacher had to raise his voice several times to get the students to quiet down from their gossiping. He kept shooting glances at Ranma after he noticed that Ranma was wearing the same clothes as the girl at the start of class.


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Ranma changed into his male gym uniform. He kept an eye out for anyone with a water weapon. The other guys wondered why Ranma was so on edge. Some whispered to each other that maybe Ranma was gay and that was why he acted so funny around the other men. They started to avoid him.

Ranma was on the track. He ran faster than any of the other students. He didn't use his ki to enhance any of his jumping ability to avoid attracting any more attention to himself. He was always on guard for any sign of water from any source. Ranma started loosening up and started getting into the spirit of competition as his desire for martial arts training began to take hold. By the end of the class, he was actually having a good time and let his guard down.

Ranma stood back as the other men bathed. He saw steam coming from the washing area and knew it was safe. He disrobed, put a towel around his waist and went to the showers. He saw fifteen men in various states of washing up. Ranma went to the nearest empty stall and started the water without having any touch him. Once he saw steam rise, he removed his towel and jumped in.

Kato, a man from the same class as Ranma took notice of the way Ranma avoided water. He took his towel and dipped it in a sink and soaked it with water. He wanted to see if what that red haired girl said was true.

Ranma finished his shower and turned off the water. He started to dry himself off when Kato came by. "Hey Ranma! I'm Kato! Nice to meet you." He made a little bow to Ranma.

Ranma was rather surprised. He already knew Kato from class but never was formally introduced. He was about to bow when his danger sense kicked in. Kato held out his towel above Ranma's head and wrung it out. Ranma hopped to the side to avoid the water. "Hey! What do you think you are doing?"

"I just wanted to see if it was true." Kato gave a look of glee seeing the fear in Ranma's eyes.

The other men stopped what they were doing and looked at Ranma. Yoshi, a shorter man near the lockers asked, "True? What are you talking about?"

"Ranma here says that he changes into a girl with cold water." He paused and added, "He's also gay."

Ranma was pissed. "What did you say!" Ranma was about to punch the guy's lights out when the shower was turned on with cold water. A moist Ranko smacked Kato in the stomach in a blow to knock the wind out of him. Kato fell over. Ranko spun around and kicked Akira in the groin and away from the shower controls. She then shut off the cold water and turned the hot water back on. It took four agonizing seconds before the hot water came out of the spigot, but that was more than enough for the guys to be convinced of the terrible truth. The guys got a free show and they wanted more.

Ranma looked at his soaking towel and begun to wring it out. He calmly walked out of the shower to his locker and pulled out a spare towel. He quickly dried himself off and put on his clothes. He took a deep breath. Ranma walked back to the shower area to the stunned men and stood next to the concrete wall.

"If any of you perverts get any funny ideas..." Ranma ki punched a wall and left a noticeable fist sized hole in it. Ranma stormed out of the locker room.

Yoshi turned to the rest of the guys, "Wow. She's a natural red head!" The perverts got into a huddle and began to plan.


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Akane was waiting outside for Ranma to come out of the locker room. She was glad that everything was going smoothly. She was wrong. She heard Ranko's scream when the cold water hit her and the quick punches that followed. She gritted her teeth about what must be going on in there. She took a few steps away from the boy's locker room door to avoid any flying bodies that may emerge in the next few seconds. She breathed a sigh of relief after no one seemed to have been hurled into orbit or out the door.

A few minutes passed and then a very irate Ranma emerged. Akane stood alongside her husband and they walked off the school grounds together.

Ranma didn't say a word on the walk home. Akane followed Ranma as he walked on the top of fences and rooftops like they usually do. They got to their apartment and Ranma went straight to the bedroom and plopped down on the bed. Akane closed the front door and sat down beside her husband.

Ranma finally let his guard down. He began to shed a tear. "It's started. The mayhem I thought I left behind is back."

Akane shook her head. She bent down to her husband's ear. "What made you think that the mayhem had ever left?"

"I thought things would be different here."

Akane let out a little laugh, "We're Sailor Scouts. We beat up youma. How is this different from Nerima?"

"It isn't is it?" Ranma turned to his wife.

Akane looked up at the ceiling. "Hmm, I think it's worse."


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Author's Notes: None right now.

Bill Heineman
November 18, 2002
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burger@contrabandent.com
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